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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I made a huge mistake? (Kitten and autistic toddler)

35 replies

worriedabouttoddler · 26/02/2023 17:43

I have a three year old who is autistic (diagnosed). He is high on the spectrum and is speech delayed with no words, and his communication/socialisation is still estimated in the 0-12 month mark. We are getting support with Portage and we’re on the waiting list for speech therapy. He is a very loving and caring little boy but he has meltdowns and for the past few months has been taking out his frustrations on himself by hitting himself in the head over and over. We have learned strategies to help with this and continue to practise the ones advised. Due to needing one on one time he struggled with a nursery environment and there are not any SEN play schools near here so he is currently not in nursery. We have been told to push for SEN schools early.

My partner and I had been discussing ways to help him and we had looked into things like therapy pets. My son does not like dogs but has always liked our family’s cats, always very intrigued by them. We did some looking and read some studies about how cats can help children with autism, especially with socialisation and anxiety. I read some threads on here and also some ASD websites and found that one of the best cats for ASD children are rag dolls (amongst others that I can’t remember the name of!).

We decided to go for it and today got a ragdoll, he came from a family with five young children and two dogs so has been very well used to youngsters!

We first took our son inside to meet the kitten and he was so happy, smiling and laughing and stroking the cat with care which we were really surprised about. Things looked good so we brought the kitten home and have been home for two hours.

At first DS kept looking in the carrier and smiling, the kitten is super confident and has straight away had a sniff around and is very comfortable and cuddly with us. But since being home, DS looks almost pissed off by the cat. He has been quite hyper which is to be expected but he’s just not interested. He’s not scared of the kitten, he’s been sitting next to him fine, but every time we’ve encouraged him to stroke the kitten or to come a bit closer he’s hitting his head and just wanting to play away from him.

I know things will take some time to settle, and I’m not giving up hope just yet (it’s only been a couple of hours!) but have I made a mistake here?

I’ve been reading so many positive stories and it was one really heartwarming story about how amazing cats have been for their ASD children that made me take the plunge (she had a ragdoll and many of the comments shared similar stories) and I’m really hoping this is right for my son too.

I’d love to hear any thoughts or stories. Please be kind, I’m really trying my best.

Thank you xx

OP posts:
Fidgety31 · 26/02/2023 17:47

Give it time. Let the cat settle in and don’t force your son to interact with it too soon .
They both need time to get used to the change.

Original poster
worriedabouttoddler · 26/02/2023 17:51

Thanks @Fidgety31 i am currently leaving him to make his own way over when he’s ready, just hoping they do settle together as I thought it would be really wonderful for DS. Just me panicking!

OP posts:
AdamRyan · 26/02/2023 17:51

I votedYABU for expecting DS and the kitten to bond straight away, not for getting the kitten
Just leave them to bond in their own time

GracePooleslaugh · 26/02/2023 17:53

Two hours? Give him a chance!

DrManhattan · 26/02/2023 17:54

I have a son with ASD and getting a pet is the last thing I would do. I have enough on.

Original poster
worriedabouttoddler · 26/02/2023 17:54

Thank you @AdamRyan i do know deep down that I am being silly and expecting too much. I think I’m just so desperate to make sure DS is happy that I’m dwelling on it too much and need to give it time.

OP posts:
ipswichwitch · 26/02/2023 17:54

It’s very early days, and both will be getting used to the change. I’d stop encouraging anything, just leave them to do their thing. Fwiw, we got a kitten when our autistic son was 3- at first he didn’t really interact with her, she liked to sit in his toy castle while he played! Now, he’s 9 and happily sits on arching tv with the cat on his knee or cuddled up next to him, and they have a lovely friendship going. Nothing forced, just time needed to get used to one another.

Original poster
worriedabouttoddler · 26/02/2023 17:55

@ipswichwitch thank you for sharing this with me this is really reassuring! Can I ask whether the cat has helped your son at all regarding calmness or anxiety? Completely understand if you don’t want to answer x

OP posts:
RoseslnTheHospital · 26/02/2023 17:55

It's different meeting the cat away from home compared to realising that the cat is now in his home and apparently staying. So I would expect it to take a while for that to become the status quo and maybe longer for him to approach the cat to interact with it.

I wouldn't despair though, I think patience is key.

Original poster
worriedabouttoddler · 26/02/2023 17:57

That’s a very good point @RoseslnTheHospital, thank you!

OP posts:
JMSA · 26/02/2023 17:58

You will need to watch them both like a hawk. I hope it works out.

cadburyegg · 26/02/2023 17:59

I think your expectations of this situation are far too high. Kittens take weeks to settle in. Lots spend the first few days hiding under furniture. And yes pets can help children and adults hugely but your mistake was getting a cat purely for that purpose. YABU to expect them to bond so soon. It might be that the cat is a huge help to your son, or they might just exist in the same house together.

MerryMarigold · 26/02/2023 18:06

I think he may be feeling a bit sensitive to the pressure (subconsciously). I know you don't been to put pressure on him but he will sense it. Relax. Let the kitten do its thing. Model behavior for your DS, gentle stroking and maybe some playing with cat toys. My DS often comes to our dog for cuddles, especially if he's stressed/ needs a break - but he doesn't constantly play with her. We've had her 4 years and it took a while (maybe more than a year) but this is his routine now. You've fine the right thing I think and when he is 8 and cuddling the cat helps calm him, or he is affectionate and loving with the cat, you will realise it was a good decision.

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 26/02/2023 18:08

DrManhattan · 26/02/2023 17:54

I have a son with ASD and getting a pet is the last thing I would do. I have enough on.

We think DS would possibly benefit from us having a dog, but also know we couldn't manage one at the moment.

We do have a cat, and had three when DS was born, one of whom he really adored and called his best friend. Unfortunately that cat died at a sadly young age. DS is definitely happier with an animal around.

JizzlordTheCat · 26/02/2023 18:10

It’s very early days.

But please keep them separated unless completely supervised until you’re confident that your son is ok with the kitten. I would say that with any small child, but adding an autism diagnosis adds an extra level of considerations.

I’m really questioning why you went for a Ragdoll. I have two and love them, but they have pretty much no defense mechanisms and won’t be able to tell you as well as another type of cat if they’re very unhappy with how they’re being touched.

SnarkyBag · 26/02/2023 18:14

Perfectly common for children with ASD to struggle with change in their environment and routine so I think actually he’s doing quite well.

Snaketime · 26/02/2023 18:15

It's only been a couple of hours OP, you need to give your DS time to adjust, the majority of people with ASD dont like change. Dont force him to interact with the kitten, just let him and the kitten be, let him get used to the kittens presence.

OctaviaOwl · 26/02/2023 18:18

Give it time but please never turn your back on him with the kitten

Ragdolls are very sweet and placid (my daughter has three of them) and they're also very trusting so don't ever leave the kitten alone with him until its presence becomes the norm

dontgobaconmyheart · 26/02/2023 18:19

I think you've put unrealistic expectations on it OP, which you probably know.

Kindly, the kitten needs time to settle in - weeks or months, not days or hours. Whether it's already exploring or not it needs a sheltered and quiet area away from family life it can go and hide in and come out on it's own terms.

They most likely aren't going to immediately bond in any immediately apparent 'happy ever after' way, I think anyone that says this has happened has likely over romanticised the reality considerably or have been extremely fortunate. Absolutely over time might they form a lovely bond and the kitten becomes a comfort and a support for DS, and that would be absolutely fantastic. There is also every possibility that that might not happen. All pets have very different personalities and levels of affection that they want, and as you know not all children are the same or struggle with the same things. Having a cat in his space might just take DS some time to come to terms with.

As has been suggested, after it's settled in. Model gentle behaviour and curiosity about the kitten and let DS watch you interacting with it. As with any child the welfare needs of the kitten are a priority and only gentle supervised handling and appropriate play should be happening when it's so young.

I imagine it would not be an issue to rehome a young ragdoll should that need arise (albeit that is very obviously not ideal) but give it all some time and assess carefully.

kitsuneghost · 26/02/2023 18:23

Pets won't cure your child. Pets need looking after which wil take time and attention away from your son.

Wolfiefan · 26/02/2023 18:27

Kittens and toddlers are generally not a good idea. Young cats can scratch.
@kitsuneghost don’t be daft. OP isn’t looking for a “cure”. FFS. But animals can be a comfort and a companion for lots of people.

Spanglemum · 26/02/2023 18:28

I echo what other people have said. Give it time and don't ever leave your son and the kitten unsupervised.

I also think there's a danger of reading accounts online and thinking the situation will be the same for your son. The person who wrote the account may have been one in a million or may have been exaggerating.

Enjoy having the kitten and don't expect it to cause any breakthroughs or anything with your son.

Original poster
worriedabouttoddler · 26/02/2023 18:28

I am definitely not looking for a ‘cure’ for my child that is an awful thing to say, my child is my child. I am simply trying to do a good thing!

OP posts:
Craftyrose · 26/02/2023 18:43

We foster support dogs for autistic children. They are well trained and it still takes a great deal of time for the child and dog to get used to each other. There have been such lovely stories about the difference the dog makes to the family but it takes time. I suspect it will be the same here. Hopefully, given time they will be good friends but leave them to get used to each other in their own time and I am sure they will be the best of friends in no time! Good luck!

PennyRa · 26/02/2023 18:55

It's a BIG change. That takes time

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