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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to support my friend and her children.

32 replies

Offensiveapprently · 26/02/2023 16:04

Friend has just left an abusive relationship has three girls the youngest is just turning in two weeks. Friend still has good relationship with her inlaws and siblings of her ex who all have children too. Her inlaws are relatively wealthy very nice family.
She is living with her mum in a really small house. She has recently been to a couple of the kids cousins parties in nice pubs with entertainment, lovely food. I went with her to support her as she was worried ex would turn up but he didn't. They were absolutely lovely, warm friendly and welcoming.
It's her youngest child's 3rd birthday in two weeks, she is skint, trying to get a high interest loan as she has told her in laws and the family that she is having a birthday party and entertainment for the children. She's invited and has replies from upwards of 30 attendees. She booked to venue but can't afford food or entertainment, she is really struggling and is feeling like she has got to make up for everything that her ex put her through with her daughters.
I can't afford to pay for it so is not an options but how do I kindly help her to realise that all he daughters need is their lovely mum, no-one will care if she doesn't have he party or does something smaller. I obviously can't stop her getting the high interest loan but would love to help her to see that it's not necessarily the best choice right now. She doesn't want to ask hr in laws. I know she is an adult but she is acting a little bit impulsively in general at the moment. I don't want her to regret it later.

OP posts:

Oohhhh · 26/02/2023 16:09

Id say you need to leave her to it. She's surely a big girl making her own decisions.

itwasntmetho · 26/02/2023 16:14

I agree, especially if she’s left an abusive relationship she will have likely been steered and had her behaviour managed if he was controlling. I know your heart is in the right place.

cestlavielife · 26/02/2023 16:18

A 3 year old does not need a large party
She can ask in laws to pay or just
have a basic small cake close family
A three year old does not need a parent to take a loan for a party
Do not encoyrage her
Do say that 3 yr old will be happywith a cake snd balloons and siblings around
Take her to poundland

cestlavielife · 26/02/2023 16:19

She needs to cancel

Veryverycalmnow · 26/02/2023 16:37

For entertainment party games like pass the parcel is usually fine for kids party. Is it the kind of group that would be understanding if she suggested bring and share type buffet? Like one person brings jam sandwiches, one provides sausage rolls. If a good friend of mine was having trouble I'd be happy to bring some fruit crisps or whatever to help out. Absolutely no problem.
If she can't rely on kindness and wants to get a loan, then let her...

mathanxiety · 26/02/2023 16:37

She needs a serious talking to.

This irresponsible and frankly irrational financial decision might be used by her abusive ex as evidence thst she's not responsible enough to have the children.

While the ILs are 'lovely', etc, she needs to be reminded that the man she left was brought up and formed in their home into the abuser who has hurt her. In other words, she needs to be a bit more wary than she is being around them. The fact she didn't know if her ex would show up at the party she recently attended shows they haven't excluded him from family gatherings and safeguarding her isn't top of their priority list.

Please sit her down and talk her out of the party.

She could do a picnic at a playground instead. The children could play on the equipment for an hour or so, with cupcakes and a balloon for the guests to go home with.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/02/2023 16:41

She's invited and has replies from upwards of 30 attendees. She booked to venue but can't afford food or entertainment

That’s obviously ridiculous. You can’t help her if she won’t help herself. She’s lucky to have plenty of support, just back away.

Original poster

Offensiveapprently · 26/02/2023 21:26

So so hard to just say leave her to it but I totally appreciate the fact that she is a grown woman...I'm certainly not wanting to control what she does, she is not jut in a great place.
It's not fair to blame his family for his abusive way's though. I've offered to help with making food to try an cut down costs she was talking about caterers. We have been best mates since 10 so it's tough .

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 27/02/2023 03:32

She's heading for massive and very public embarrassment.

This behaviour is completely self destructive. It will give ammunition to her abuser to use if (when) he decides to fight her for the children.

If she's honestly not listening to reason here, can you persuade her to go to her doctor to have a chat?

There's 'bad place', which would be completely understandable, and there's complete failure to engage with reality, which is what's happening here.

user1492757084 · 27/02/2023 03:55

Well, she knows she can't afford it. A high interest loan is fanciful and will come back to bite her.
Have her work out the budget for food and the budget for entertainment.
Food - keep to budget and home make sandwiches, fairy bread and cupcakes and cocktail franks with sauce. Ask if Granny/Aunt will make a birthday cake.
Ask kids to bring their own drink bottle.
Entertainment - rewrap a couple of her kids toys in layers of paper and have two pass the parcels with music. Make a pin the tail on the Donkey. Have some kids dance music to play - leave the kids to make up the rest of the games.

wildseas · 27/02/2023 05:59

Could you offer to do the entertainment for her?

If you did musical chairs, musical bumps, pass the parcel etc you could probably keep costs under £10.

Face painting or temporary tattoos always goes down really well too - would cost max a few pounds - could her mum do this through the party one child at a time?

Original poster

Offensiveapprently · 27/02/2023 06:40

Love idea of doing the entertainment. I genuinely love little ones so it's not a problem. Maybe I could sort o steer ger thoughts away from payday loans by listing all fun stuff we can do ourselves.

OP posts:

Quitelikeacatslife · 27/02/2023 07:04

Main thing is keep it to 2 hours max, then few games, bit of tea with homemade sandwiches, crisps buns, cheap cake then disco music . Provide nothing for adults , can be done cheaply and little ones will love it

Sceptre86 · 27/02/2023 07:39

She's being stupid and I'm not sure there is an excuse for that apart from she had a tough time. She will get herself into a financial mess because she doesn't want to lose face or have her children miss out. Miss out on what exactly? Most 2 year olds are not going to be bothered about a party in a hall compared to one at home or not having one at all. They could still have cake, run around etc.

If she had the sense to say she isn't doing a party as such because finances are tight they may have been more likely to pitch in but that should not be an expectation and are not responsible for his fecklessness.

Honestly I'd discourage her but if she wants to go ahead, I'd help with the playing games.

gettingolderbutcooler · 27/02/2023 07:55

You sound lovely. But honestly she may continue to be a friend that doesn't manage their finances, and where would that leave you if you feel the need to keep stepping in? Catering is not necessary, for example. Nor is a venue, nor loads of kids. A child of 3 would love 20 kids coming to the house for crisps and cake!
If she won't cancel these grand plans, do indeed offer what a good friend would- ie, going there to help out. Or even making sandwiches.
Bit do be careful that you don't get eternally roped in to her poor financial decisions.
Good luck. X

MajorCarolDanvers · 27/02/2023 08:03

A 3 yr old really doesn't need a big party. This a really unnecessary expense.

If
She's determined to go ahead then make sandwiches. Value bags of crisps. Diluting juice in jugs. A Freddo chocolate per child. Is more than enough.

No entertainer required.

Lots of balloons
Dancing
Pass the parcel
Duck duck goose
Musical bumps
A singsong

All that's needed

QuillBill · 27/02/2023 17:53

She's made a daft decision by prioritising a party for an infant when she's got so much going on.

Is she inviting people so she can prove she's fine without her ex because if she is it could be disastrous. As she isn't.

FatGirlSwim · 27/02/2023 18:00

Bloody hell. The judgement of someone who’s just left an abusive relationship is insane.

She needs to make her own decisions and build her confidence, and figure it out in her own time.

QuillBill · 27/02/2023 18:04

FatGirlSwim · 27/02/2023 18:00

Bloody hell. The judgement of someone who’s just left an abusive relationship is insane.

She needs to make her own decisions and build her confidence, and figure it out in her own time.

True. I don't think you should leap in and rescue her. Just tell her you will,see her at the party and muck in as required on the day, as friends do.

mathanxiety · 27/02/2023 18:09

I once went to a litte kid party where the entertainment was a woman dressed up in blue/ green wispy fabric (very Little Mermaid) with a bubble machine. The kids loved it. They danced and pranced around to the sound track of the movie and bopped balloons (non helium) around. They also did freeze dance, and follow the leader.

For quiet play, there was a table set up with crayons, printed Little Mermaid colouring sheets, and stickers. Also pipe cleaners and drinking straws that had been cut into inch long beads, various colours - kids strung the beads onto the pipe cleaners and made bracelets and necklaces.

All very cheap and nice for 3 - 4 year olds.

mathanxiety · 27/02/2023 18:15

@FatGirlSwim
It's not judgement. It's sensible advice.

This woman needs to be very careful when it comes to her ex. Financial irresponsibility that comes to light in a public way is not how she can do that.

If she's using this party as a way to show the ex that she wasn't destroyed by him she urgently needs help, because she's still living her life as if he were at the centre of it.

What else might she want to do in order to show she's free now, without friends suggesting she needs to pause and give a decision some thought? Move a brand new man into her children's lives? Buy a car she can't afford?

Getting a payday loan is going to impact her children in the near future. She needs to stop what she's doing and centre her life around the children.

Hankunamatata · 27/02/2023 18:30

Def show her all the things you can do for little ones at parties. I help with little ones and they all love games if pass the parcel, musical chairs, dancing games. Food can be super cheap crisps and other snacks. Tell her she can show people how she planned a great party without spending loads

Balloon and bubbles are very popular.

If she wants a theme go for traditional birthday party.

FatGirlSwim · 27/02/2023 18:46

@mathanxiety that is a very judgemental post. You’re also assuming that you know better than she does what she needs to do next.

HanSB · 27/02/2023 18:47

It sounds like she wants to 'keep up' with the cousins parties she's attended recently. It's ridiculous to go into debt over a child's party. You can do lots of low cost entertainment and games, food, no need to hire anyone. Go to Poundland and get some cheap bubble wands, balloons, crisps and sweets, fun party music playlist on a phone to dance to, some old fashioned party games. Stickers, temporary tattoos, a little face paint like a heart or rainbow on the cheek.
I would be more concerned that the ex would show up if she cannot cope with seeing him. It makes sense he would come if it's his children and all his family have been invited. Remind her that at the end of the day his family will always side with him, not her.

Hopeandglory · 27/02/2023 18:52

We have always had big parties for kids birthdays, it has become a habit that children and adults are invited, when we were super skint we would do a vat of pasta or chilli which the kids would happily eat and we would also get away with 5 bean chilli so not even requiring meat.
Pass the parcel, musical statues, sleeping lions, loads of games, homemade cake, cheap and cheerful

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