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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How would you approach this situation? Re childcare

35 replies

majormumma · 26/02/2023 14:06

DH works full time, covers all bills, self employed in manual type job, very physically demanding - no wfh
I work PT, 23 hours, my pay covers childcare / bits for kids - wfh/ office split
this is not working.
DH believes that when DC are sick it is 100% my job to provide childcare, his argument… he can’t pay mortgage if he takes time off. I don’t feel I can argue with that despite me offering to make up difference.
My job is seen as extra income but not “necessary” as doesn’t pay for bills etc
Many arguments, much disagreement not really any further in this. I have no friends with kids, mum is no longer with us, my dad is in agreement with DH. I read multiple threads about this type of thing on MN but as everyone situation differs I wanted to talk to mums/ dads in similar position. How do you work it out?
we’ve spoken about me getting an evening job, I’m not willing to do this and my reasons are that I would be exhausted. DH wasn’t thrilled by this.
envious of all the women who’s husband is around in the week.
im not happy, countless conversations not moving forward. DC 5&2. To think this is enough to split? DH is helpful when home, present, does necessary jobs. Lacks initiative though. All mental load is on me.

OP posts:

DuplicateUserName · 26/02/2023 14:10

If your job isn't really necessary then it makes sense for you to take care of the kids when they're sick.

But the most important thing here is your employer and how they might feel if it happens too often.

PennyForearm · 26/02/2023 14:14

his argument… he can’t pay mortgage if he takes time off. I don’t feel I can argue with that despite me offering to make up difference

How do you propose to make up the difference? Are you able to contrive your the bills?

PennyForearm · 26/02/2023 14:14

*contribute to

Hesma · 26/02/2023 14:16

I agree with him I’m afraid … unless you get a full time job

Mindymomo · 26/02/2023 14:21

My DH was self employed and worked to deadlines, so he had to keep to them, otherwise he would get behind and wouldn’t get paid. I was fortunate that I hob shared with a single mum, when my DC were ill and I had to go to work I could change my work days or have my MIL round to look after DC. If I could be at home then it would fall to me to look after children.

soboredoflooking · 26/02/2023 14:25

I think it's more who's employer and type of work is more flexible.

I wfh 3 days a week and I do all pick ups and drop offs (same with eldest for school). My employer is flexible and any sickness etc all falls to me. My husband works at different locations and often isn't nearby. He couldn't just stop what he's doing in the middle of a job to come and get the kids. He also wouldn't be paid whereas I have Flexi Time. So I cld catch up a bit later etc ok if they aren't too I'll I could work with them next to me.

Namechange13101 · 26/02/2023 14:29

Is your job flexible in the sense that you can make up lost hours in the evenings and at weekends? I'm in a similar situation (although I work 32 hours a week) and DH is fulltime, however my job is much more flexible as in I can make up hours in the morning before DH leaves for work and in the evenings/weekends. They will even let me occasionally pick up a a couple of hours if it is my 5yr old at home as they will often sit and watch a film with little input. Because of that it makes much more sense for me to cover childcare. Having said that if DH is having a slow day work wise he'll always offer to look after a sick child so i can go into work.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 26/02/2023 14:37

It sounds like the real problem is that your DH - supported by your dad - has quite an old-fashioned, sexist view of childcare being the woman's role. I don't agree with that, but then again, I think that you are perpetuating these views by allowing your DH to be responsible for all of your household bills.

Personally, I would be pushing towards a more equal split where both of you are contributing to household bills and both of you share responsibility for the children.

Geranium1984 · 26/02/2023 14:37

We are in a similar situation where I'm part time and will usually be the one lumped with caring when toddler is sick. DH runs his own business, still fairly new and his income is all dependent on his workload each month. His business, once well established, has the potential to be quite high earning.

I'm part time, very large company, been there 10 years, boss has 2 kids, as do many others in the team so although I feel awful taking days off at late notice it doesn't affect my income nor my job security.

A couple of times, particularly when he was still napping twice a day, DH and I would tag team around our sons naps and essential work meetings so I wouldn't have to take the day off. I would attend ant important meetings then catch up in emails/work during naps and after bed time.

The juggle is real.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/02/2023 14:37

Does your husband have any flex in his job? As in if he had to cancel a job on a friday, would he have time to make up work on the Saturday? Or would it go down as a black mark and he would lose repeat custom? Is weekend work a possibility for him? There are some jobs that are more flexible than others and it's hard to say who is being unreasonable without knowing what the consequences of him missing the odd day would be.

I guess it also depends on what you agreed before you had kids. And how he would manage if you were in hospital or something- what would he do? Would you actually be any better off if you left? Self employed people often refuse to pay maintenance and hide their earnings.

Lastly I think in general even if he can't take time off, he should be helping somehow. He is a parent, and its shit being a parent when your kids are shit - it's not fair if one of you is on their knees and one of you carries on completely unaffected. So he could help you look into nannies or emergency babysitters for when your kids are ill. He could offer to do all the housework and admin when you've been off looking after kids so you can catch up on some work in the evening. He could take the kids all weekend so you could catch up on work then. He could wfh doing some admin for half a day to share the load. Just saying 'it's your problem' is not a healthy or respectful partnership

mybunniesandme · 26/02/2023 14:44

I agree with your husband

And to be honest when you say you'd be too tired to get an evening job don't you think He is exhausted working a full time manual job and also carrying the financial responsibility for the family?

Whataretheodds · 26/02/2023 14:48

my pay covers childcare/ bits for the kids

This mindset is part of the problem. Why are you not both paying a share of childcare and bits for the kids.
Can you go FT?

londonrach · 26/02/2023 14:50

I agree with your husband......the one who pays the mortgage and bills works whilst the one who's job is flexible looks after I'll DC. Makes financial sense to do it that way! In my sil and bil case he looks after DC as sil is the higher earner...

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 26/02/2023 14:53

Whataretheodds · 26/02/2023 14:48

my pay covers childcare/ bits for the kids

This mindset is part of the problem. Why are you not both paying a share of childcare and bits for the kids.
Can you go FT?

Well, yes, I agree, but equally, why aren't they both paying a share of the bills?

DorotheaHomeAlone · 26/02/2023 14:54

I’m really surprised that capo many people agree that your DH has no responsibility to care for his own DC when they are sick. We’re not dissimilar to you in that i work pt and DH significantly outearns me. But we split any illness days when both of us are working 50:50.

I think the way that you’re presenting this might play into perceptions here and at home. Why does your wage cover childcare but his covers bills? Those are both big spends that you’re both responsible for. What if you covered bills and your contribution to childcare was your non work days? What if he covered childcare costs because he can’t look after them himself those days? Would that make your contribution to the family more obvious?

He is a parent. Childcare is not just your responsibility. He should be picking up his share of emergency cover when needed. It’s not fair to you or your employer that it all falls on you.

cadburyegg · 26/02/2023 14:55

I agree that your setup is part of the problem - he pays for mortgage while you pay for kid related stuff.

A more reasonable split would look like -
When you're wfh then you look after sick kids.
When you're office based you take it in turns. So if you're in the office 2 days a week then you take one day each.
If you're ill or you have something important like an interview etc he needs to step up also.
In theory, then he would really only be needed on a few occasions.

Original poster

majormumma · 26/02/2023 14:56

Thanks all v helpful
agree that we should utilise joint account better, the way the money is split isn’t right.
My employer is losing patience with me, they are relatively flexible but the way my hours are means I can pick up hours in the evening from when kids are in bed 8-10 but as my role involves lots of collaboration it doesn’t always work. DH wants me to quit, I enjoy working.

OP posts:

DistantSkye · 26/02/2023 14:58

I think the problem goes deeper than childcare by the sounds of it - the idea that your 23 hours a week doesn't count seems really dismissive. Why doesn't it count? Is it super low paid? Because surely it's all household income so it counts just as much towards mortgage/bills as your husbands salary?
Also you taking on the mental load and being isolated. Does your husband make you feel valued/happy?

All that aside, what we do is the one with more flexibility takes the time off.
For instance my husband is the higher earner but can WFH where as I cant, as school staff. I am PT and do have a non teaching remit for some of my week so I can use those days/hours if the kids are sick, and on my teaching days DH takes annual leave or WFH. But the crucial difference is I don't bear the whole mental load and he doesn't think the kids are just my job. We're a team.

cadburyegg · 26/02/2023 15:00

If your employer is getting fed up then your dh definitely needs to step up. Your job matters too. Your dh wants you to quit because then he won't have to shoulder any responsibility for the children at all

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 26/02/2023 15:01

majormumma · 26/02/2023 14:56

Please don't quit if you don't want to, OP. It isn't your DH's decision.

I don't blame your employer for being annoyed either. I have been the employer in that situation and it's very frustrating to employ someone who has decided that their partner's job is more important than their own.

NumberTheory · 26/02/2023 15:01

You do have to balance the books now. You talk about what your incomes pay for rather than how much they are. What percentage of the family pot do you bring in working 23 hours a week? And what percentage does DH bring in? (And how many hours a week is he working to do that?)

If he worked less so that you can work more, what would that really look like in terms of income? Could you make it up? Would you need to downgrade your lifestyle? Would that downgrade be temporary until your career took off more and/or the kids are back in school. And would you be okay with that, or do you really want the lifestyle DH’s company allows?

I think you need to be clear in your own mind what you’re really asking for from him and what you’re proposing to do. If he’s worked hard to develop a business that makes good money and you’ve been in minimum wage jobs without any plan for improving your prospects, but have enjoyed a better lifestyle because of his wage, I can see why jeopardizing that so you can go into work might seem unreasonable.

But if you’re earning lower than him because you’re just at the beginning of your career and he’s expecting you to jeopardize your earning potential so he can keep his earning potential, he’s being very unreasonable.

But you both need to sit down and talk about what sort of life you want, how to share the income generation and childcare fairly, with an eye on the future not just the now.

monomatapea · 26/02/2023 15:03

I understand his point of view but no you shouldn't give up your job if you like it and no you shouldn't be the only one covering sickness. I am not surprised your employer is getting fed up. You already work less so the time you aren't working is spent looking after the children.

If anything I would argue he needs to be doing the same or more childcare than you when they are off sick. If I were your employer that is what I'd expect now I had let you know it was becoming interfering with your position.

Bleese · 26/02/2023 15:03

I agree it's bit reasonable for your employer. I worked in retail and there were a lot of women who'd take loads of unpaid time off when their children were sick because their husbands had the big jobs. That wasn't really the retailers' problem though - it needed those workers in just as much as the husbands' employers needed them in.

RE the evening job, you'd be working 23 hours + presumably the rest of the 9-5 week doing childcare but have to work again in the evening? How is that fair?

kitsuneghost · 26/02/2023 15:04

What did you agree when you planned for kids? Did he say he would do 50:50 sick days? Has his job changed since then?

budgiegirl · 26/02/2023 15:12

I think it's more who's employer and type of work is more flexible

This. What does it matter who pays what? Between you, you cover bills/mortgage/childcare. It's not just your responsibility to cover the childcare costs just because you're a woman/part time.

Looking after the kids when sick is a joint responsibility too. So you should take it in turns, or arrange this according to the parent who's job is most flexible. It shouldn't fall to you by default, just because you work less hours.

DH wants me to quit, I enjoy working

Don't quit to please him - by the sounds of it, he just wants you to quit to make his life easier.

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