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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How would you approach this situation? Re childcare

35 replies

majormumma · 26/02/2023 14:06

DH works full time, covers all bills, self employed in manual type job, very physically demanding - no wfh
I work PT, 23 hours, my pay covers childcare / bits for kids - wfh/ office split
this is not working.
DH believes that when DC are sick it is 100% my job to provide childcare, his argument… he can’t pay mortgage if he takes time off. I don’t feel I can argue with that despite me offering to make up difference.
My job is seen as extra income but not “necessary” as doesn’t pay for bills etc
Many arguments, much disagreement not really any further in this. I have no friends with kids, mum is no longer with us, my dad is in agreement with DH. I read multiple threads about this type of thing on MN but as everyone situation differs I wanted to talk to mums/ dads in similar position. How do you work it out?
we’ve spoken about me getting an evening job, I’m not willing to do this and my reasons are that I would be exhausted. DH wasn’t thrilled by this.
envious of all the women who’s husband is around in the week.
im not happy, countless conversations not moving forward. DC 5&2. To think this is enough to split? DH is helpful when home, present, does necessary jobs. Lacks initiative though. All mental load is on me.

OP posts:
aloris · 26/02/2023 15:21

I think what matters is the underlying approach to power and control and how you fare in that negotiation. In most employment situations, the worker taking unscheduled time off (to care for sick kids) will eventually cause problems, whether the worker is part-time or full-time. The employer of a part-time person presumably needs that person present during their scheduled hours, even if the total weekly hours are not full time. Just because your husband earns more money does not mean that you taking off unscheduled time for sick kids won't impact your employment.

So what he is really saying is that: it is acceptable if you lose your job because of taking so many sick days to look after the kids.

So is it? It may be acceptable to him, but is it acceptable to you?

It sounds like you are already in a situation where your time and effort are not valued because your on-the-books income is lower than his. Is your "in kind" contribution of childcare valued? Or is it just treated as "Oh well you're home you'd have to look after them anyway." Is the care of your children treated as a nice hobby that is just yours, rather than a moral obligation that is half the responsibility of each of you? The fact that your salary "pays for childcare" and "bits" suggests the former. Try thinking of it differently. How much would it cost to buy your services on the open market? The best comparator for your services isn't a babysitter or a childminder. It's a nanny. And actually a mum does more than a nanny because a nanny probably won't deep clean the toilet while also watching a child. Your work is valuable and would cost a lot to replace!

If you lose your job due to taking too many sick days, you will become completely financially dependent on him. How do you think that would go? Would he be respectful? Would the earned money be just as much yours as hiis? Remember, if you quit, it would be SPECIFICALLY because he wants to keep his earning power and does not want to compromise that for sick days. So even if you never earn another penny, it would be YOUR childcare that allows him to maintain and increase his earning power, and it would be HIS refusal to participate in his half of the childcare that prevented you earning your own income. Would he recognise that? Or would he just come to see you as a bon-bon-eating deadweight? Will he be willing to equally share any disposable income on your needs and wants as much as his own? Or will you be watching him go on nights out with his buddies while you can't afford to get a haircut or a new coat? Will he even recognise that you have needs? Or will he dismiss your claims that you need him to babysit so you can see a doctor as "Oh you're not that sick, you'll be fine."

Remember that this can change slowly over time. The man who initially seems to divide things fairly may come to see you as a deadweight when you are both older and he has increased his income to a high and stable level, whereas if you've been out of work for a decade and can only get a minimum wage job, he may think of you as only being "worth" minimum wage in the relationship. Even though that change in your earning potential was a direct result of, again, leaving the job market not out of laziness but because he wanted to grow HIS career and didn't care about yours.

Only you can make the best estimate as to the answers to those questions. But I think him wanting you to quit is not a good sign. Just my opinion.

Lolacat1234 · 26/02/2023 15:32

Usually I agree it should be a team work deal in situations like this, but he's self employed, you can take an emergency day if you're employed, I take it if he doesn't work for a day he doesn't get paid? It's shit but if that's the case I see his point. My OH used to be self employed and it always came down to me to pick up the slack with that sort of thing, now he's employed its probably more 70/30, still majority is me but he sometimes comes home early so I can cover some extra hours I've lost in the afternoon early evening.

Kickmeupthearse · 26/02/2023 15:40

Dont quit because if your DH is sick or injured - he won't be able to work and you'll have to go FT.

He's being an asshole. He'll be begging for you to work if he broke his leg!

thaisweetchill · 26/02/2023 15:48

My situation is practically the same although we are 70/30 on bills.

My partner works self employed so if he doesn't work = doesn't get paid. If my DS is sick childcare will fall to me as really I can't expect him to take a day off unpaid when I can take a day off paid?

Not saying your unreasonable I understand your frustration as I do feel I am the 'default' parent from a practical view I am the person who has to take the hit.

budgiegirl · 26/02/2023 16:04

I agree with your husband......the one who pays the mortgage and bills works whilst the one who's job is flexible looks after I'll DC. Makes financial sense to do it that way! In my sil and bil case he looks after DC as sil is the higher earner...

You are falling in to the trap of assuming that the lower paid/part time job is more flexible. It may not be. In my first office job, the entry level/part time workers had set hours, but the higher paid, managerial jobs had much more flexible working hours. It would have been much easier for my boss to take time off to look after sick kids than it would have been for me.

Either way, it's only fair for each parent to pick up their share of childcare, or for the one with the more flexible job to do so, regardless of hours/pay. It's not fair of the DH to say that the OP should do it, just because he 'pays the mortgage'. They both contribute to the household income, so that's immaterial.

CatOnTheChair · 26/02/2023 16:10

Totally, completely and utterly unfair on your employer to shoulder 100% of sick leave.
Assuming your hours arent 5 days a week, your DHs employer already has it good as you only work PT. You need to split any sickness on your days evenly - and you cover 100% on days you are off.

The way your household works for money shouldn't affect how much childhood sickness your employer has to deal with.
I know this is idealistic when not working means no pay, but it is another reason young females are not prioritized at work - because they phone up for days off at minimal notice for ill kids.

RegardingMary · 26/02/2023 16:24

We split it 50/50 here.

cadburyegg · 26/02/2023 16:26

So as you work 23 hours a week - is that over 3 days? You can do something like this if child is off sick for a whole week.
Day 1 you're not working so you look after sick child.
Day 2 you're wfh so you look after sick child.
Day 3 you're in the office so your DH looks after sick child.
Day 4 you're back wfh so you look after sick child.
Day 5 you're not working so you look after sick child.

That's still only 1 day out of 5 that your DH has to take off

Headabovetheparakeet · 26/02/2023 16:32

We base it on three things:

  1. Who has the most flexibility with work that day?
  2. Can we avoid losing a day's pay? (One if us is employed and one is SE)
  3. Has one of us already had to take a day recently?
Needanewnamebeingwatched · 26/02/2023 16:33

Your married, I really don't understand this whole I pay for xy and z husband pays for j t and f

All the money should go in one pop, bills, food, kids needs including childcare come out of that and you each get an equal portion to spend.

I would go back to work full time and he can do 50/50 housework and mental load. Plus 50/50 children's needs.

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