AIBU to need your help to survive MIL visit

[ellapanda88]

Okay it's not really an AIBU because I know I am I just need some tips to stay calm & respond within my boundaries when MIL visits this afternoon.

Okay so MIL (ish - DH step mum) is visiting this afternoon to see the kids / us. It's a last min arrangement so I feel like I'm not mentally prepared.

MIL is a nice person & generally good with the kids but she's very intense with the baby stage and I found it pretty difficult with my first, it's easier with my second but I just went along with it with number 1 to avoid friction and this time I've been more assertive but I also need to be kind because it comes from a good place / interest and it causes friction with DH if I'm 'difficult'

MIL is constantly asking, oh so how does DC sleep' 'Does he sleep through' 'is he in his own room yet' 'can he self soothe' 'when will you sleep train him.... I'm sure you get the idea.

The truth is, DC #2 sleeps great! He only wakes 1/2 times in the night which at 6 months I think is great. He co-sleeps with me, is held, cuddles and rocked to sleep, of course he doesn't self soothe because he's a baby and I certainly will never sleep train because it's not for me, I'll meet the kids needs day and night for as long as they need me to.
I know all parenting styles differ but it works for me/ us.

It always seems to create this weird dynamic when she asks me these things and I say 'we co-sleep' or ' I won't ever sleep train him, he'll sleep without me when he's ready' and so on. It's like just awkward and then DH feels like I'm being difficult. I expect I'll hear all about weaning this visit and how she cooked from scratch and her DC ate it all and never made a mess and blah blah blah

How can I hold firm on my boundaries but not cause any tension from our differences. This wears off, my eldest is now 3 and I can't remember the last time we ever had these conversations and they get in great and she's lovely with them.

I just need to survive the baby bit.

Suggestions?

“Yes Judy, I remember you saying this with my last baby but I still did it my way and he’s turned out great!”

I would act confused where possible, make it too difficult a conversation, too confusing. Talk about the oldest instead of the youngest, yes he has his own room and sleeps through, oh he already eats well. Pretend you don't really quite know what she means, oh yes he self sooths a lot, look he is doing it now.

You never know you might enjoy it.

I’d just smile and nod and leave the room when you need to

"We'll see - I find it's best to tackle things as they come along." That way you can't get into a debate on principles.

Any topics you could question HER about? Make her tell you about her garden/job house? Maybe even ask for advice on something totally unrelated? Could be baking recipes.

Dont engage. Dont talk about cosleeping or napping or weaning.

Just keep it topline.
Her: "How is the baby sleeping? Are they in their own room? Cosleeping is stupid!"
You: "Oh you know how babies are everything is phase! Weaning /sleeping is going fine. Look! Little johnny is chewing his foot! Isnt he so smart? I think he gets it from DH. Thats a really nice blouse by the way. I love the colour! Do you want another tea?"

Your problem is you want her to know you dont agree with her. drop the rope and keep it light.

Agree with the pp-keep it light, change the subject. I’d just keep it light and positive-‘all going well with sleeping at the moment….anyway, enough about baby sleep, tell me what you’ve been up to.’

Id do two subject changes and if she carries on, I’d invent a reason to leave the room and leave her to DH for a bit. If she starts again-I’d chuckle and say, ‘let’s talk about something other than baby care!’

You mention boundaries but I can't really see any examples here of crossed boundaries. Your MIL is asking Qs about your baby. The baby can't speak, it doesn't go to work, have friends or hobbies. There's not much else you can talk about other than general development eg how's he sleep, is he on solids, he seems startled, does he like loud noises etc....add in a bit of oh he looks like X or son used to do this...

I'm unclear what the issue is. She asks you about something and you respond MIL, we're doing it this way. Are you sure it's not yourebown anxiety rather than her that'd the problem? Maybe you could encourage your OH yo chip in when MIL asks Qs. Let him feed baby eg. Continue to us words like we our us to reiterate joint decisions.
I'm sure as your confidence grows it'll be less of sn issue.

of course he doesn't self soothe because he's a baby and I certainly will never sleep train because it's not for me, I'll meet the kids needs day and night for as long as they need me to.

I think also… you feel like she’s got quite strong opinions but reading things like the above, you also do and so I’d really try and keep things neutral if possible. Sleep training doesn’t mean you don’t meet your child’s needs but by saying what you’ve said it indicates that you think that.

just try and keep it neutral and on even ground

I think you need to be more blend.

"He's sleeping great thanks"

Agree with keeping it neutral and light-hearted.

Don't engage if she tries to debate about co-sleeping or sleep training. Just change the subject or say something non-committal like "we'll see".

Are you saying she expects you to do it her way and not your way ?

My MIL is an arsehole, she never says anything nice about the kids, or her own to be honest. Everything is nasty, turns everything into a competition so if we say child is doing karate, that'll be ignore and she'll just say about her other grandchildren (DH brothers kids) are doing XYZ ... or she'll say nasty things like aren't you putting on weight (to 10 year old DS) which means he's then really upset. My children cannot stand seeing her. I'm currently low contact as I can't bear how nasty she is

Your post doesn't sound like you're both clashing on childcare choices. It just sounds like a normal conversation between family members about how a new baby's doing.

Yanbu and I hate it when people ask loaded questions where it's clear they're going to be judgy about my answer. "Ah so you're still breastfeeding? When do you think you'll stop? Do you even still have milk?!" F off!

I agree with PP that the best thing to do is give as little information as possible, so as not to create a debate.

Phrases I've used that are conversation-stoppers (use with a big fake smile and then immediately change the subject)

• isn't it lovely how every child is different
• I love how there are so many ways of doing X (feeding sleeping etc) and no right or wrong way!
• every baby develops at their own pace but I'm sure LO will get there in the end! (Conversation stopper because you're implying that's she's criticising LO rather than you)

When she asks a question, either sip your drink or touch the back of your upper teeth with your tongue.
Then either answer breezily with a wee bit of detail or, as others have said, say 'oh you know babies!' and either change to speak about something else that your children have been doing or ask her a question.
Just engage with the conversation that's not going to potentially see different opinions raised, and ask her lots of questions to keep her talking about herself and extended family.
Or could you be busy and need to go something else after about 20 mins and your other half can entertain?

but I also need to be kind because it comes from a good place / interest and it causes friction with DH if I'm 'difficult'

WTF?

Does H believe you are his Surrendered Wife or something?

You have far, far bigger problems that MiL.
She's easy to deal with, When she starts up with her interrogation - just bear in mind that it's an excuse for her to give you unwanted advice/undermine you. It's a classic status game & dominance display that SOME older women like to use against younger mothers.

So don't take it personally. Just deflect "He's doing great, I'm just a bit bored by everyone making my life ALL about motherhood, can we talk about something else? What did you do last night, what films have you enjoyed lately, have you been to that new Italian restaurant, where did you get those lovely boots, I love your hair, where do you go & who do you see to get it so shiny, are you planning any trips this year" etc etc - you get the picture.
Pepper her with even more questions than she peppers you with.
Refuse to answer any baby-related questions she taxes YOU with. No need to make it awkward, just deflect, deflect, deflect, & Grey Rock until she gets bored with asking.

e.g: "how is his sleep"
"Oh it's fine, we're lucky. Would you like tea or coffee?"

"But are you co-sleeping again?"
"As I said, he's a great little sleeper, are you having some of this cake?"

"What's that he's eating, I used to make all MY child's food from scratch"
"Aaaw, how lovely, did you know DH is planning a new car, what do you think we should get?"

www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock#what-is-it

Suggest she writes a book so everyone can benefit from her absolute wisdom. And every chance you get ask her if she has started it yet.

Tell us more about your larger problem OP - the fact that your H reckons you ought to #BeKind, or he will cause friction?

Yes indeed

Just say ''More cake?'' - I presume she is coming for tea and you have cake?

I fantasise about having the guts to say this to my MIL

If she's asking questions she already knows the answer to then she's being a bit repetitive and I would answer on that basis.

I would say "still the same, every thing is fine".

It doesn't seem an insurmountable problem, but why is your DH so bothered about it?

You could just lie ... or make non committal remarks .. 'hmm, good idea'..... you'll look back at these conversations in a few years and just laugh at the intensity of it all ... as others say, just smile and nod.

Your DH is a problem. Tell him to wind his neck in.

This. Completely different scenario this time.