AIBU to need your help to survive MIL visit

[ellapanda88]

Okay it's not really an AIBU because I know I am I just need some tips to stay calm & respond within my boundaries when MIL visits this afternoon.

Okay so MIL (ish - DH step mum) is visiting this afternoon to see the kids / us. It's a last min arrangement so I feel like I'm not mentally prepared.

MIL is a nice person & generally good with the kids but she's very intense with the baby stage and I found it pretty difficult with my first, it's easier with my second but I just went along with it with number 1 to avoid friction and this time I've been more assertive but I also need to be kind because it comes from a good place / interest and it causes friction with DH if I'm 'difficult'

MIL is constantly asking, oh so how does DC sleep' 'Does he sleep through' 'is he in his own room yet' 'can he self soothe' 'when will you sleep train him.... I'm sure you get the idea.

The truth is, DC #2 sleeps great! He only wakes 1/2 times in the night which at 6 months I think is great. He co-sleeps with me, is held, cuddles and rocked to sleep, of course he doesn't self soothe because he's a baby and I certainly will never sleep train because it's not for me, I'll meet the kids needs day and night for as long as they need me to.
I know all parenting styles differ but it works for me/ us.

It always seems to create this weird dynamic when she asks me these things and I say 'we co-sleep' or ' I won't ever sleep train him, he'll sleep without me when he's ready' and so on. It's like just awkward and then DH feels like I'm being difficult. I expect I'll hear all about weaning this visit and how she cooked from scratch and her DC ate it all and never made a mess and blah blah blah

How can I hold firm on my boundaries but not cause any tension from our differences. This wears off, my eldest is now 3 and I can't remember the last time we ever had these conversations and they get in great and she's lovely with them.

I just need to survive the baby bit.

Suggestions?

Why are the children seeing her if she is nasty and distresses them?

Had a relative like this, the temptation was strong to have cards written up with the usual replies and to just hold them up as we worked through the script. We had to replay it at every visit. Or to start answering with something ridiculous and when I got the 'what?' response, to then shrug and say "well you know the real answer, don't you?"

Mostly I smiled, brief "yes, same as last time" and fast subject change. And kicked a few skirting boards quietly.

@Snugglemonkey - they're not now

Don't get into a discussion about it. Just say he's sleeping fine thanks and change the subject. Your relatives don't need to know this level of detail unless you really want them to.

I would leave every answer on these topics to DH to answer and see if he finds himself "difficult". Why is he sitting there listening in like a Goldfish?

I would just lie and change the subject. My otherwise lovely stepmother does this whenever we visit – “and did he wake up last night?” After 800 variations of “Of course he fucking did, Mabel, he’s three weeks old” run through my head I generally just go “Oh, he was fine – I’m just going [literally anywhere and anything else so I don’t wallop you for this line of conversation]”.

On further digging I’ve figured out that she had a night nanny for her kids and also raised them prior to the “in your room for six months, put them on their back so they’re uncomfortable and wake up all the time” advice, so is coming from a place of complete bafflement and poor memory of what she did 40 years ago.

I also find hiding away with the baby and whispering to him, “Crazy old Mabel, she’s WRONG and I am CORRECT and it’s important I tell someone that for my sanity” works wonders for helping me bite my tongue and not care.

Is she just making conversation? Do you have much in common ? Maybe the children are the only topic of conversation.

I've fallen a little bit in love with you Bus 😂😍

Just say, I'm doing the same as I did with DC1 as that worked out well for us.

Try "why are you asking these questions?" "MIL we know what we're doing... you don't need to grill us"

"Yes MIL he's still a baby.. he was last time you asked same questions and still will be in a few weeks time ... "

"... How about we tell you what has changed... he gurgles/ recognised xyz, turned over (whatever he has done)..."

Just keep smiling. And say to her suggestions ‘oh that’s interesting to know … we shall see how we get on …’ or similar non-committal responses

I can totally relate 🙈 I always think unless you’re really struggling and begging people for advice, people shouldn’t give advice! If people are happy doing what they’re doing, even if it’s not the way you did it, just leave them to it! I read a thing on here when trying to find what to say to a similar MIL I have and someone commented saying just keep smiling and keep replying ‘is that right’ until they stop

I'd just say it's all going really well thanks and move the chat on to other things

How does your husband think its awkward?

Mil - are they not sleeping through yet? When will you put them in their own room?

You - no but they dont wake up too much, they are still in with me but we are all happy with it

Unless you're getting defensive/ snappy (which would be understandable). How does your husband want you to respond?

You need to take it with a pinch of salt.

Her questions are just questions not a personal attack. Just either say oh yes or make umm noises and chnage subject

Thanks for all the good advice.

Think my fav was @bussteward with the book suggestion!

Hilarious!

I did the 'keep it breezy' tactic as that seemed to be what most people suggested. She was a bit baffled but it did generally work. Luckily the baby was awake & happy for the visit which was thankfully short so there was less time for chit chat as she wanted to play with the baby / toddler so that was actually nice.

I only had to employ the 'oh did we mention we got new outdoor lights' subject change once and proceeded to tell them all about why they were great lights.

I think it is true that we don't have much in common. She's nice enough and she's always been pleasant / positive about me too but we're not especially close or anything .