AIBU to think a just 15 year old should not be watching You on Netflix alone?

[BaffledOnceAgain]

I am asking this to see your general thoughts. I'm happy to be put right, but we genuinely need some third party views here.

My partner and I disagree heavily on this issue. He says his daughter has already watched a lot of thrillers, will understand the comedy in You, not take it as real and it's too late to moderate what she watches now anyway. I think it is way too gory and there is too much sex and violence. She watches it alone in her room with no discussion about the content. She talks about sex/sexual activities at the dinner table in front of younger teens with no filter.

Any thoughts gratefully received.

She talks about sex/sexual activities at the dinner table in front of younger teens with no filter

Why are you allowing that? Tell her it's not appropriate.

I do. I have also reduced the amount of time we spend together. I've asked DP to speak to his daughter about it again and tell her it is not appropriate.

How old is she

Well for most just turned 15 year olds I'd say it was fine but this one seems immature with no filter so probably not

15 last week.

Oh sorry just seen 15 wow wouldn't be happening in our house of 4 kids and especially the talk at dinner table so so inappropriate your other half should have put a stop to that a long long time ago. No wonder kids end up with weird ideas etc. Our teens aren't allowed to watch certain things alone and if me and dad deem the film inappropriate when we try it as a family then off it goes for something else. And we always present a unanimous front to the kids in whatever decision is taken about a game or film etc. Tbh if she's allowed to watch and talk about things like that I hate to think what she views on her phone. Good luck hope you get sorted 🙂

That's a good point about her phone. That had never been moderated or restricted in any way as DP feels she is, and always was, entitled to privacy. I don't check DS' phone now he is 15, but I did until last year.

You is heavy on stalker male behaviour, even if it does dilute throughout to become "protective" it's still all in the male lead's twisted perspective. It's not extensively gory, there's worse out there watched by kids that age who shouldn't.
I enjoyed all series, as an adult, fully aware of the plot lines. It's not for a 15 year old, who can watch and not be able to comprehend the way it's deliberately portrayed.

How do you know the sex references are from that film and not through porn or any other type of exposure to sexual content or online grooming? It sounds like there is no parental control over her screen use and she is still a child. A 15 year old doesn't need privacy, she needs parenting and protecting.

I totally agree. That's why I'm concerned. My own children (of the same age) are not allowed in the room when I watch anything like it. I listen to what my children are saying and watching, although my 15 year old now had more trust from me than he did a year ago.

I guess I wanted to see if I was overreacting because I'm trying to understand his perspective and at least check that IANBU. I was brought up in quite a protected environment and my own children have friends whose families have similar boundaries to mine, but I'm aware that it isn't uniform for all teens and families.

I don’t let my DD of 14 watch if. The first series is particularly awful imo.

Allowing her to talk about the content no filter at the dinner table is cancelling out any safeguarding that you're doing to the younger teens.

How do you stop teenagers watching content that's above their age in a time where they have their own devices? Even if their Netflix profile doesn't allow them to watch, don't they just look up the gory stuff on YouTube or social media because they may have heard about a specific scene in say Squid Games.

The problem is that your h is too lazy to parent. I'm assuming that he thinks that gory stuff didn't do him any harm so it's easier to turn a blind eye to it. I have teens and I'd rather not watch content with sex scenes too. When my dd was younger and watched Love island, I watched so that I knew what it was about and we occasionally discussed an episode afterwards but we watched it separately. Watching it together doesn't really make a difference to me or her.

It’s all down to the kid, IMO.

I don’t bat an eyelid at the sex stuff, the only bit I can think of that would give me pause is the scene in season 2 or 3 where they are having group sex and using drugs. However, I wouldn’t ban it on that count - by 15, most teens are aware these things happen; and it could be a good springboard for a conversation about risky sex behaviours.

The gore doesn’t bother me either, for a 15 year old. Most 15 year olds would realise it’s fake and it’s not excessive given the content.

The most concerning part for me is the violence. However, I again think it could be a springboard for conversations about risky relationships and domestic abuse, and also about how easy it is to gather information about someone from tiny breadcrumbs of info (the openings to season one) - it could lead into discussions about how abuse can start subtlety and can be hard to spot, and so on.

I don’t think watching it at 15 is inherently bad, but I don’t think it’s universally okay either.

I don't think it's a problem for her to watch it but her father should ensure she is understands the themes and contrast to health relationships which it sounds like he is confident he has done.

The sexual content at the dinner table is... Odd. Most teens won't want to discuss that at all with parents around. However, depending on what she's saying I wonder if you are being a bit prude or OTT. You can easily turn the discussion into something healthy and actually discussing sex is a good thing for all the teens involved

I agree. I wouldn’t let a child watch it.

I agree - I think it’s great that a 15 year old is able to discuss sex openly with family.

It definitely depends what is meant by “discussing sex” though. And how old the younger kids are.

My 7 year old has an understanding of the biology of sex but has no understanding of sex outwith for reproduction. She also knows about same sex relationships and she knows about appropriate vs inappropriate relationships.

What does she raise at the table that concerns you? You do need to be aware that kids know far more than we think or we did at that age. So you are being naive if thou think your older child doesn’t know what she is talking about.

I can't reply individually.

I teach sex ed and I'm all for openness. It is useful to correct her misconceptions and what she has learnt from TikTok etc.. However, announcing that her friend 'took 4 fingers' at the table is not appropriate in my opinion. I think she has no filter and is showing off to the others.

I've asked DP to speak to her about what she says in front of the younger ones. They all know a lot and I'm happy to discuss/correct etc.. (and he isn't - he says they get sex ed from school). He hasn't spoken to her about the content of You. He just let's her watch anything.

As for my own teens, I know they know and have seen stuff, as I'm not naive, but we do discuss it and they ask me questions when they feel the need. Their friends are all quite naive and not allowed to watch stuff beyond their age bracket either. I want to protect them from stiff until they are mature enough to deal with it, but am always open and happy to answer questions. I've recently chatted to my son about wet dreams.

DP's daughter hasn't given the detail of You to my boys - has just said she is watching it, it's amazing, lots of sex and gore. That in itself doesn't put my two at risk, but I want to make sure they aren't led to believe she's super cool and want to watch it themselves. Mine also get teased by his for not being allowed to watch stuff they have seen. All very tricky.

Stuff..!!

I would allow my 15 yos to watch You however I wouldn't allow inappropriate talk as you have described, they understand what is appropriate and when. I would say it shows immaturity so maybe she should be monitored more on what she watches.

I was really shocked at one scene that popped up and had to check my dd wasn’t about to randomly see it on my screen because it would have stuck in her mind and upset her. Not sexual just gory and shocking. I would definitely not let her watch it.

Okay I wouldn’t be okay with the “took four fingers” chat at the dinner table either. And I get it’s tricky trying to manage two different sets of household values who are merged together on a part time basis.

I do think that your husband needs to pull his weight with the sex conversations since they are his kids - no, school sex ed is not enough - as I’m sure you know.

What you can do is teach your two the resilience to deal with differing opinions; because I’m sure you are aware it’s going to raise its head in other ways as they continue to age.

My 14 year old's favourite film is Goodfellas but he doesn't talk about sex, murder and cocaine at the dinner table. The two issues are not related in my opinion and she needs to be spoken to about what is appropriate social behaviour/topics for discussion and what isn't. I've never been strict about films and TV, I tend to watch them with them but if they were saying stuff like that then I would say they're maybe not mature enough.

My 15 year old watches most things. The sex talk is really odd thought and definitely bot something a 15 year old sold be coming out with.

Didn’t think it was that bad, the stalking is shown as bad, it’s possible to discuss the themes after watching it.