To ask if you can beat this Seventh Circle of Hell day out (lighthearted)

[TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl]

We decided this weekend we’d take the kids (6&9) to a water park in a tourist area. It has a limitation on spaces and sessions lasts for 3 hours. So we thought “Oh good it won’t be too busy”. Foolish, naive idiots that we are.

If you’ve ever seen that Diary of a Wimpy Kid scene where they go to a busy pool - think that x 1000. And with beer bellies. And plasters floating around.

It was SO busy, we could barely move. There was one of those lazy rivers that push you along. During which, we had several children smash into to us, vice versa, I also got several smacks in the face by pairs of feet in rubber rings and, at one point, it was so busy a strange man’s dirty toe nail got momentarily stuck in my arsehole.

The wave machine would have been great if it didn’t involve far too many people bobbing around in far too close proximity, like turds in a blocked toilet.

A wait for rides were 30 minutes. We went on a few, after which DS (6) would laugh As I unlocked wedgies from my bum. We then saw an unusual amount of women in thong bikinis at which one point DS said in his foghorn voice “that lady needs to pick her costume out her bum like you did mummy” 🙄

Families thinking their splash fights were just SO much fun the 75 people bobbing around them didn’t mind getting splashed in the face.

DH and I looked at each other and said “WTF are we doing here” and left an hour early, lying to the kids that the 3 hours were up 😂

Now skin is burning from too much chlorine, we have various bumps and bruises between us and we are £100 down. £100, all to be sodomised by a filthy toe.

And yea I know it was always gonna be busy on a weekend but I didn’t expect total human carnage.

Can you share with me your Family Day out from Hell stories to make me feel better please.

Many many years ago, train companies used to offer “£1 returns anywhere in the network at the weekend specials”.

Lovely, I thought. And off I went on a day trip to Brighton. I visited the art museum and the Pavilion and then sauntered back to the station only to met by an unholy queue. Two hours later I was on train. Of course almost everyone else on the train had been drinking and a fight broke out in my carriage. As the train was rounding a corner at 45 degrees someone pulled the emergency cord and the train stopped. We sat at this angle for 45 mins until the police could get to the station and the train then pulled in. It wasn’t my stop but I decided at that point I should find another way home.

I thought splashdown as well from reading it.

But no OP you win.

Just the way you wrote wins

Indeed!

Surely it’s The Sandcastle in Blackpool? That description of the Lazy River is on the nose

Just read your update. Thought so.

You win , but I'll give it a go.

Some stupid ride similar to a rollercoaster but you pedalled to move the cart around. Despite being the end of a busy day and I was barely functioning I decided it would be nice for DD to go on it. OH was "nope, nope,no way no how". I thought he was being a party pooper and decided to be the hero. DD weighed quite a bit ,but too short to reach enough to be any help. I'm the love child of a potato and a wardrobe. It was ok enough at first, DD happy and giggling, we were waving down and I was a very smug bastard for being the one to do it. Until everything gave up. Lungs,legs, brain. Red faced, feeling dizzy and sick and could.not.pedal.any.more. Then the terror of being stuck and needing rescue struck so added a nice little bout of hyperventilating to my already dying lungs. Luckily there were some teenagers behind us that gave us a bump every now and then when they got bored of waiting. The last leg took about 20 minutes of excruciating humiliation. We got out and DD was jumping up and down because she wanted to go again, OH was laughing his (smart) bastard head off and my mum kept fussing worried I'll die on the spot. I just wanted the ground to swallow me up and be anywhere,but there. We never went back.

God, is that dump still open? I recall taking our two there when it first opened, can't recall when but they were about 6 and 8 and they're in their mid 40s now, and it wasn't a pleasant experience even then!

I knew you were going to say it was the Sandcastle. Once spent £100 for a similar experience which ended with the most horrific bout of diarrhoea after eating a chicken burger in the cafe there. Actually the worst day of my life.

Thanks for taking one for the team, OP. Yours is a word to the wise, to stop the rest of us from experiencing the same grim day.

Yeah - we had a similar experience at S.L. last year. No toe up the arse but beer bellies aplenty - and being wedged into a solid mass of bodies going round the lazy river was no fun at all.

Our ultimate nightmare day out was at Trentham Monkey Forest on an August Bank Holiday. We'd had fab days out there before and foolishly thought it would be nice on a sunny bank holiday because of the shade in the forest.

Four million other people had the same thought.

We parked miles away and arrived to find huge queues to get into the monkey enclosure, the cafe and the toilets. There were extra portaloos laid on because of the anticipated demand, all of which had mile-long queues and stank like Satan's cess-pool.

We found a tiny patch of grass to sit on, ate our picnic and left. Took DD ten-pin bowling instead.

Ha ha I knew this was going to be the sandcastle in Blackpool. As a local we know to go to the first slot and get on all the slides first then get out of there before you can’t move for other people (even though all the slots are supposed to have the same capacity 🤷🏼‍♀️). We only eat the pizza in there (which is actually delicious but on par with the price of a small second hand car) I keep thinking I will get a cabana one of these times with your own private area but I think I may need a lottery win first!

I bloody knew it would be Sandcastle in BP. DD was desperate to go there for her 8th birthday in 1994. It was quite new back then so we thought it would be lovely....

The solid mass of bodies like bobbing turds and the plasters made me think of CP.

I was in the wave pool at CP when a kid almost tactically chundered 5 seconds before the wave machine flicked on. I was dragging chunky baby DS through the water, just ahead of the crest of a vom-encrusted wave. I’m also a sympathy gagger so I was making loud puking/burping noises that I couldn’t control.

I relive the scene in my nightmares and wake up to the weird sensation of dragging myself through the water and the stench of Tango flavor puke.

I fucking hate CP with a passion.

Brilliant an experience you'll never repeat. But Brilliant story telling 👏

‘Sodomised by a toenail’ had me 😂😂

This was my plan 🤣🤣