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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with DSS being a brat

61 replies

Mavis93 · 25/02/2023 21:05

So back story I have a DS who is 10 with a January birthday so often has no ideas for presents so often wants money to put away and get things during the year. DSD has a June birthday so often has ideas for presents so while has money no where near as much as DS (they all get the same set budget). DSS also has broken one and lost a switch so wanted new ones of our his money during the years which has taken a good chunk of his money.
today DS decided he wanted to buy a PS5 with his own money- all fine that’s his money and he paid for it. DSS has stropped and moaned all day, ringing his mum who has now kicked off that we are being unfair on her child. We have explained to both we didn’t pay and he is welcome to save up but we won’t buy it- DSS has been a brat about it all day being nasty to my DSS and sat glaring at me while on the phone to his mum.
DH says to ignore but I feel his rude behaviour deserves consequences AIBU for thinking this or is DH right

OP posts:
DoughnutDreams · 26/02/2023 01:06

This is such a shame to be ruining your son's lovely experience. He deserves to be excited about something he's saved for.

HazyDragon · 26/02/2023 01:08

He's only 10. He has had a difficult up bringing with his parents separating and having to navigate life as part of a step family.

My own 10yo hasn't had to do any of that, is level headed and not 'bratty'. She would still be very jealous if her sibling managed to save up and buy an expensive, sort after PS5. And that's without adding the extra layer of step-sibling jealousy.

I'm not saying he's behaving well, but he's jealous and a child. Give him a break.

Blablablanamechangagain · 26/02/2023 01:15

jimmyjammy001 · 26/02/2023 00:41

I Couldn't agree more, you get involved with someone who allready has children, this is exactly the tyres of things you have to deal with, kids don't understand fair, so you will need to treat them the same even if one has saved up and the other hasn't

Show quote history

Eh?

Some fucked up logic there 🤣🤣

If they were siblings and one saved and the other didn't...you'd reward the one who didn't by funding them more? Course not. It's no different.

Really weird take on family set up.

WickedStepmomNOT · 26/02/2023 01:23

kids don't understand fair No, can't agree with this - in my experience most kids have a hyper sense of fairness. DSS needs to have it explained once again and then if it comes up again remind him of the discussion and shut it down. Every time.

Pubesofsoberness · 26/02/2023 01:29

HazyDragon · 26/02/2023 01:08

He's only 10. He has had a difficult up bringing with his parents separating and having to navigate life as part of a step family.

My own 10yo hasn't had to do any of that, is level headed and not 'bratty'. She would still be very jealous if her sibling managed to save up and buy an expensive, sort after PS5. And that's without adding the extra layer of step-sibling jealousy.

I'm not saying he's behaving well, but he's jealous and a child. Give him a break.

And ops ds is in the same position! He may be jealous but he's had the same opportunity to save up

Op I think half the problem is his mum by the sounds of it

sashh · 26/02/2023 03:36

Pubesofsoberness · 26/02/2023 01:29

And ops ds is in the same position! He may be jealous but he's had the same opportunity to save up

Op I think half the problem is his mum by the sounds of it

Show quote history

I agree, you have a mum problem.

If it was the other way round and your son was behaving like a brat what would the consequences be?

Thepossibility · 26/02/2023 03:46

jimmyjammy001 · 26/02/2023 00:41

I Couldn't agree more, you get involved with someone who allready has children, this is exactly the tyres of things you have to deal with, kids don't understand fair, so you will need to treat them the same even if one has saved up and the other hasn't

Show quote history

Absolutely not this.
Giving children everything they demand is terrible parenting.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 26/02/2023 03:48

so you will need to treat them the same even if one has saved up and the other hasn't

Nope.

musingsinmidlife · 26/02/2023 06:24

Sit down with him and show him how he has 850 pounds worth of possessions and DS has 850 in cash but none of the types of things that DSS owns that he bought with the cash. They are 10. Show him how he has hundreds of pounds worth of games and toys and whatever else he spent it on and DS has none of that since he saved all this money. Pre PS5 purchase, they had an 850 pound disparity in belongings and possessions. That is a lot of stuff! Ten year olds dont fully understand finances or money management. A lot of adults don’t!

You have to show in practical ways how their two styles differ.

Original poster
Mavis93 · 26/02/2023 07:36

My other son also didn’t get a PS5 as he is not a saver and he was not bought a PS5 and we do not have the money to buy 3 PS5s so they all have the same as it would also be majorly unfair to buy my other DS one and my DSS and expect my youngest DS to pay himself. It would also show them all bad behaviour gets rewarded which I am not willing to do.
I tried talking to DSS about the savings for bigger items when wanted and even showed him the paper from my sons money wallet showing how he saved to be glared at ignored so I gave up. His mim
settled on get DSS his own controller so he can play it when he wants- I told her no my DS bought this item it was not a household purchase to share so he doesn’t get to use it without DS permission.

OP posts:
DaveyJonesLocker · 26/02/2023 07:49

You're doing a bloody good job of setting boundaries and protecting your DS. Stick to your guns. You know you're right. DSS and his mum can throw all the tantrums they want. He could have bought himself a PS5 but bought other stuff instead, that was his choice. Remind him that if he looked after his stuff he wouldn't have to keep replacing them and would have been able to buy a PS5 himself.

Maybe this is the moment he needs to realise that things have value and you should be more careful with your money and property.

MsSquiz · 26/02/2023 07:49

The boys are being treated the same.
They are both given the same amount of money by the parents.
DSS spends as he gets it on smaller purchases
DS saves and spends it on larger purchases

That is not unfair.

What would be unfair is to then buy DSS the same items as DS buys with his own money

Also, if children, by the age of 10 don't have some concept of "fairness", as parents, you're doing something wrong

And, for the record, my answer would be the same if both children had the same parents or if it was the other way around

Raindancer411 · 26/02/2023 07:57

I think you need to speak to your DH to get more involved in it as it's his son. You are doing the right thing and I would be saying exactly the same.

familyissues12345 · 26/02/2023 08:04

Why the flip is his Mum getting involved?! As someone who's son had a step family etc I'm cringing

It's tough luck. My sons both have birthdays close to Christmas, so have both always had opportunity to save. DS1 has been, and still is an amazing saver. Started his teens with a good couple of grand saved up.

DS2 on the other hand... ConfusedGrin

He's getting there, and I think after watching his older brother he will get there (kind of!), but it's an important lesson to learn

bumpytrumpy · 26/02/2023 09:31

Raindancer411 · 26/02/2023 07:57

I think you need to speak to your DH to get more involved in it as it's his son. You are doing the right thing and I would be saying exactly the same.

This. Sounds like chaotic poor parenting of your step children.

This is a household which has already had a PS5, 2 PS4s and 3 switches?! Seems crazy to to arguing about yet another console purchase.

Is your son making a statement about how he wants something that's just his own, that DSS can't take/break? You need to focus on protecting that, wouldn't be suprised if it becomes "accidentally" broken

Liorae · 26/02/2023 09:39

HazyDragon · 26/02/2023 01:08

He's only 10. He has had a difficult up bringing with his parents separating and having to navigate life as part of a step family.

My own 10yo hasn't had to do any of that, is level headed and not 'bratty'. She would still be very jealous if her sibling managed to save up and buy an expensive, sort after PS5. And that's without adding the extra layer of step-sibling jealousy.

I'm not saying he's behaving well, but he's jealous and a child. Give him a break.

Let me guess - brat mom?

funinthesun19 · 26/02/2023 09:56

I Couldn't agree more, you get involved with someone who allready has children, this is exactly the tyres of things you have to deal with, kids don't understand fair, so you will need to treat them the same even if one has saved up and the other hasn't

So one spends all their money because they want something NOW. Maybe for the sake of it because of the excitement of spending it. Probably in plastic tat that they now no longer bother with months down the line.
The other now isn’t allowed to be rewarded for their saving and to get something they really want and have saved hard for? Fuck that!

In nuclear families your logic wouldn’t fly, so why should it in a stepfamily?

Let me guess… when you say “treat them the same”, you mean only when it works in the stepchild’s favour, don’t you? Because I can’t imagine someone like you saying the same thing if it was the DSS saving up their money. Just accept that stepchildren get treated like children of the family rather some special golden child who should have more than everyone.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 26/02/2023 09:57

Treat them the same = pander to DSC?

No

RudsyFarmer · 26/02/2023 10:21

You are never going to win this as your step child is not your child. It’s up to his mother and father to parent him and if they won’t set consequences there is precisely zero you can do. Just recognise this now and make peace with it.

JanusTheFirst · 26/02/2023 10:37

Make sure DH doesn't back down and ignore sulky, bratty DSS.

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/02/2023 10:40

jimmyjammy001 · 26/02/2023 00:41

I Couldn't agree more, you get involved with someone who allready has children, this is exactly the tyres of things you have to deal with, kids don't understand fair, so you will need to treat them the same even if one has saved up and the other hasn't

Show quote history

@jimmyjammy001

you wouldn’t do that with biological siblings

hryllilegur · 26/02/2023 10:55

Surely treating them the same would be letting DSS buy a console with his own savings.

Only through the stepfamily looking glass would it be buying a console for him. 🤯

Original poster
Mavis93 · 26/02/2023 11:04

Would I need to also buy my 2 DS the exact same things DSS bought with his money and then youngest DS and DSS the same as eldest DS bought to be ‘fair’ as I don’t have the money to do this- nor the inclination.

OP posts:
44PumpLane · 26/02/2023 11:08

You're doing the right thing OP, your youngest DS has done a great job saving and your DSS needs to learn that things aren't handed to you on a plate.

Please please make sure that your son's PS5 is protected though. Whether it's hidden, locked away when not in use or something else to make sure that it can't be used or taken by anyone else.

Original poster
Mavis93 · 26/02/2023 11:13

The PS5 is in a communal area so can be seen/ watched at all times as DS has ASD so want it where I can see him and make sure he is safe when on it

OP posts: