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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To complain about the lunch lady?

75 replies

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 25/02/2023 19:01

Twice this week DD has had her lunch swapped. The first time she said that's not what she normally has, and the lunch lady told her "well that's what your mum ordered". DD is very shy and quiet at school,especially around adults and left it at that . Didn't eat much as she didn't like the other option.

It wasn't what I ordered(and I never would have ordered it because I know she wouldn't eat it) and I have the proof on the app. While I was really annoyed she blamed me , it was mostly an oh well,mistakes happen situations, plus I know all too well how chaotic meal times at a school are.

Two days later it happened again, only this time she got the right order but then it was swapped with another child's and what they were having. Again an option that she doesn't like. DD says it's because the other child didn't like the other option either but they were happy to eat what DD was having so the lunch lady picked her to swap. DD didn't say much(if anything at all) , and I know this Is something I need to work on with her.

I don't know if it's pure coincidence or if she's being "targeted " because she'd never cause a fuss so she's the easy option when issues like these arise. Regardless I'm definitely not happy now, the meals are expensive enough, she barely ate on those days and felt uncomfortable and upset.

I want to complain to the school/teacher, OH says to drop it in case the lunch lady will start being to DD and it's not a big deal. I think it is, not just because I was blamed the first time and it's not fair for DD to have lunches swapped randomly, but the specific choices could be due to allergies,intolerances, interactions with meds or religious reasons. As it is, it's just because she's fussy but the lunch lady wouldn't know that on the spot.

By complain I don't mean go in guns blazing, just give an account of what happened,say I'm not happy with it and could please they just stick to the lunches I pick (and pay for) for DD.

I'm on the app so can't enable voting, but for ease:

YABU - it's not a big deal ,let it go.

YANBU - it is risky or at best not good practice, do conplain.

OP posts:

Trainham · 26/02/2023 10:09

You need to raise it with the school. What isf she was allergic to something on the other plate or didn't like it and not eat anything all day. It is a safety issue. And teach and practise with your daughter it is ok to say no to dinner lady

FeinCuroxiVooz · 26/02/2023 10:12

yanbu

include in your email
"This happening once could be shrugged off as a mistake in a busy environment. Twice in a week suggests that DD may be being deliberately selected to have a swap forced on her as she is too shy to complain. She is being unreasonably disadvantaged by this, and her afternoon learning will be suffering from not having eaten an adequate lunch"

millymollymoomoo · 26/02/2023 10:13

Raise it
set out expectations that you won’t be paying for those
that you expect your dd to get what was ordered
that you don’t expect it to happen again
if it does then you’ll take it further

Also, agree with others, teach your daughter to stick up for herself ( in a firm but polite manner)

GoldilockMom · 26/02/2023 10:17

Children here are given a red or yellow band to wear in the lunch hall and return as they leave so no mistakes

Katsucurrysauce · 26/02/2023 10:18

It’s not just allergies either, as a mum of a child with type 1 diabetes, they have to have exactly what you’ve carb counted and given insulin for. Meals cannot be swapped or changed. We’ve had issues with this which is why we’ve now swapped to a packed lunch.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 26/02/2023 10:19

The first incident does sound like a mistake, the 2nd incident was she told or asked? I know some children will just say yes if they are asked rather than risk upset or think they will get told off for saying no. I would still go in and explain that to the teacher though.

Rosebel · 26/02/2023 10:19

So when your DD doesn't like what she's given it's tough luck (even though it wasn't what you ordered) but when another child doesn't like what they get it gets swapped.
I'd be absolutely fuming in your place because it sounds like she is targeting your DD and be prepared to be strong because in my experience schools tend to close ranks when you complain about a, staff member.

PinkiOcelot · 26/02/2023 10:23

Definitely not being unreasonable. I would definitely mention it.

icountallthebeans · 26/02/2023 10:31

Could you ask for a refund for all the meals the lunch lady gets wrong? State which days she got the meals wrong and how much you require credited as a refund, and advise you will be notifying them of all future meals she gets wrong too.

I can imagine them not taking a parent of a fussy child seriously, but if you want a refund for services not actually provided... that might prompt them to sort this out. I'd go for the money angle otherwise they might try to fob you off with, well, DD got a meal and she couldn't have been that hungry if she didn't eat it.

NCembarassed · 26/02/2023 11:34

Don't drop it.

My DD has sensory issues and there are multiple things she can’t/won't eat. Sometimes lunch options have changed on the day, but only if something major has happened eg broken ovens. Her school are now working with the catering company to see if they can sort an adapted menu for her.

Your daughter's silence/niceness is being taken advantage of. First, you need to fight her corner, because she can't yet. Second, build her confidence and those skills. Don't worry about being 'that' parent - you're being the parent your child needs.

Feel free to point out that quiet children like mine would rather go hungry (and not complain if an 'authority' figure tells/asks them to swap in front of others). If my DD is told to eat, she will, but then vomits/feels ill.

In the primary school I work in, children check their lunch order during registration and change it if they want to. At the front of the lunch queue there is a screen, they tap their name, and the order comes up - visible to them and the servers. Our servers do not permit swaps, until after everyone in that sitting has been served. If there is anything spare, they can ask then and have something else.

In our school TAs also do lunch duty in the hall, along with lunch supervisors, and we work with teachers and parents to help resolve issues eg patterns of not eating/specific meals. Some children need help expressing this, even some who appear very confident on the outside.

jumperoozles · 26/02/2023 12:14

FeinCuroxiVooz · 26/02/2023 10:12

yanbu

Please don’t write this to them it sounds so pompous and making all sorts of assumptions that might not be true. Just talk to the office about it.

Lolreally · 26/02/2023 12:33

All the people saying dont complain it could be an honest mistake, if you were in a restaurant and the server swapped your meal with another diner you wouldn't complain really you would assume it was down to how busy it was.
When they clearly state the other diner doesn't like their food so im swapping it.

Rycbar · 26/02/2023 12:50

I would definitely raise it with the school but it isn’t really the teacher - more the office staff. We don’t really have anything to do with the admin around lunchtime so we would just be passing the message onto the office staff ourselves to get it resolved!

strawberry2017 · 26/02/2023 12:53

I wouldn't be complaining yet, I would be speaking to school to see if there is reason it's happened. I wouldn't just assume the worst.

whowhatwerewhy · 26/02/2023 13:00

How old is DD ?

Iyjd · 26/02/2023 13:18

I would 100% go in and say something. But could you also make a note for DD to take in with her so if it does happen then she can show what she has ordered as a back up?

Original poster

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 26/02/2023 13:46

whowhatwerewhy · 26/02/2023 13:00

How old is DD ?

More than old enough to manage ,which is why I didn't mention her age. I didn't want posters to focus on the fact that she should be able to speak up and should've done so instead.

OP posts:

whowhatwerewhy · 26/02/2023 14:32

I was thinking she was old enough to be able to advocate for herself, but as you say she's not overly confident.
I know once children reach a certain age lunch staff do expect them to take some responsibility ( without being rude ) . This does sound out of your DD comfort zone but it does become expected for them to say " oh sorry I have an allergy or sorry mom ordered this , sorry I can't swop I don't like that option.

Your quite right to question why your DD had the wrong lunch and why was she told to swop . Just because she's not outspoken doesn't mean she can be picked on

Prescottdanni123 · 26/02/2023 14:33

YANBU. Is she checking allergies before she swaps kids meals around? I highly doubt it. She could put a child in the hospital or worse.

You are paying for that food. Your poor DD should not be going hungry. The lunch lady is not solving a problem here, she is passing a problem onto another child.

Original poster

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 26/02/2023 16:39

whowhatwerewhy · 26/02/2023 14:32

Your quite right to question why your DD had the wrong lunch and why was she told to swop . Just because she's not outspoken doesn't mean she can be picked on

The first time she did say , I'm not yellow, I’m red. I'm always red. But she was told "well this is what your mum ordered so this is what you're having". Which made her shut down slightly as she saw it as a telling off and being wrong, plus everyone at the table was looking at her (this might just be in her head though) . Then she was cross with me at home because I ordered the wrong thing. I hadn't and I showed her that. The second time i assume she said yes or ok or whatever made it all go away as quickly as possible.

OP posts:

whowhatwerewhy · 26/02/2023 17:16

She's obviously very shy and sensitive, and it seems the lunch staff have picked up on this . So she's the easy " target " to swop the lunch's with.

I would go to the school and ask if there is a problem with the system , why was she yellow when it clearly showed on your app she's red , and why did she have to change lunch ? To me the lunch lady was able to tell your DD "no your yellow " therefore the other child should have been told "no your mom ordered yellow " she never offered your DD a swop so why did the other student get to swop 🤷‍♀️. It seems like double standards.
I do appreciate your DD is at an age she should advocate for her self but is to shy to , totally sympathise on that ( been there too )

Original poster

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 26/02/2023 17:35

whowhatwerewhy · 26/02/2023 17:16

She's obviously very shy and sensitive, and it seems the lunch staff have picked up on this . So she's the easy " target " to swop the lunch's with.

I know it's not the topic of the thread, but if you don't mind me asking did your child improve? Anything in particular you did to help, or did it just get better with age? DD seems to get worse sometimes as she gets older.

OP posts:

whowhatwerewhy · 26/02/2023 18:24

Hi op , sorry to de tail your thread.
Yes it did improve with age . It was actually DS very shy and introverted . He still is to some extent, wants to get through life " under the radar " .
He never said boo to a goose 🤣.
Unfortunately there was an incident at school involving DS and he was subjected to bullying. He was very lucky that one of the older pupils took him under his wing. He also had very good friends who stood up for him . I think this gave him some confidence that it was ok to be him , but also ok to stand up for himself .
Unfortunately it was / still is a case of pushing him out of his comfort zone.
Some people, possibly the lunch lady , take peoples quietness for weakness. DS is still quite and introverted, that will never change, but with age he has learnt to stand up for himself.
He would of been your DD , sure take my lunch ,please make the attention on me go away, now he would say sorry but I'm red please can you check.
He's not rude or pushy just very " would you mind checking for me I think you made a mistake "

It's so hard when it's not in there nature to want a fuss or stand out .
Keep encouraging your DD to be a little be more assertive, small steps, hopefully her confidence will grow .

whowhatwerewhy · 26/02/2023 18:26

De rail not tail 🙈

Viviennemary · 26/02/2023 18:29

Complain.

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