Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

MIL won't stop trying to help!

44 replies

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 25/02/2023 17:21

So I know how petty and ungrateful I sound but I need some advice/perspective.

So DH is away this week (comes back tomorrow) and DS(5) has the chickenpox. He's totally fine, no illness, couple of spots, doesn't really seem to be bothering him.
I've got plenty of food in the house, loads of crafty type things that we like to do together and we have a massive garden that has a gate directly into some woods. We've been out for walks (keeping away from everyone obviously), doing crafts, riding bikes in the garden, baking/cooking, reading etc. It's actually been nice to have some proper time together as I usually work full time and he's at school etc.

So anyways, MIL was very disappointed as she and FIL were supposed to have DS for a day over the half term but I cancelled due to him having chickenpox and wanting to stay home. Ever since, she has text me hundreds of times every day, massive long messages giving me advice she has read on google (same stuff I've been reading too but I still say thank you), asking me how on earth I'm coping, offering to have DS so I can have a break, sending me general news articles, asking why I didn't insist DH comes home, texting him herself telling him he should be at home because I need a break etc.
TBH I don't feel like I need a break at all. We're managing just fine but the way she is acting is as if she's found me sobbing behind the bins or something. I'm spending more time reading and responding to her messages than I'm actually getting to enjoy this time with DS. If I don't answer a text after so long she rings me in case there's been an emergency.

Just today I've had 15 messages from her. I've tried politely telling her that we're fine but she doesn't stop and won't accept what I'm telling her.

AIBU to get DH involved? Or even SIL? I need someone else to tell her to rein it in because she isn't listening to me.

OP posts:

PleasantZen · 25/02/2023 17:28

You'll have plenty of people telling you to get DH to talk to her but I think that's a bit ridiculous and avoidant. I'd just call her and say something like I know you are concerned but we are honestly fine. I have been enjoying my time with DS because XYZ break it down to her and explain it just as you have here. And say if I don't reply to you straight away its because we are busy doing crafts or whatever. Basically manage her expectations for how long it will take you to reply.

Nothing beats an open honest conversation.

Original poster

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 25/02/2023 17:31

I did try that, maybe I wasn't direct enough... She started telling me that I didn't need to be a martyr and I need some "me" time and loads of other things that I would really appreciate if I was being dragged under. She thinks I'm putting on a front.

OP posts:

PleasantZen · 25/02/2023 17:47

Yes be more direct. Then if she still doesn't get it then be direct and stern.

Also show her that you are aware that it's probs because she wants to see your DS. Like oh I know you really want to see her but....

Luredbyapomegranate · 25/02/2023 17:54

Ring her and tell her you really appreciate her concern, but you are fine. If she wants to check in, once a day is grand. Tell her DS is really looking forward to seeing her but it won’t be till X when the CP has cleared.

You may have to be a little short. It appears she is bored out of her mind, and had expected to have DS to entertain her.

Don’t answer messages more than twice a day, and only properly answer once a day.

Is she normally like this?!

Original poster

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 25/02/2023 18:01

Well not so much with me. She is a big texter and her kids don't tend to respond all that much (DH does the most but even he ignores some of her messages). She's been more and more like this with me since having DS.
She doesn't like DH to go out much or leave me and DS. She seems offended almost!

OP posts:

trappedinsuburbia · 25/02/2023 18:04

I’d honestly block her for a few days if you’re sure that she won’t turn up at your door. Or be really really direct with her that the texts and calls are way too much.

queenofthebongo · 25/02/2023 18:14

Face time her! Show her your ds, get him to talk to her for a bit. She'll see you are both fine and it might help her feel like she's not missing out. Do it as you cook/make lunch though so you can end the call politely and for a reason.

SoMachoHesGottaBe · 25/02/2023 18:49

Can you have a conversation as mentioned upthread and then add you’re going to turning your phone to silent/off for a while as son is trying to rest which he needs to help recover and he is being disturbed by the phone or something like that? Some people don’t respond well to hints etc and need telling but she sounds lovely and is motivated by concern, mainly for you so I’d be reluctant to be harsh with her.

EmmaDilemma5 · 25/02/2023 19:02

Sounds like she's projecting. I'd ignore her for a while.

LookItsMeAgain · 25/02/2023 19:11

Actually mute her number for 24 hours or start the morning off by saying "Hi MiL - we're all doing well here today. Still keeping DS away from you due to the potential risk of shingles. We'll be out and about today in the park and going for lots of walks (even if you aren't) so I won't be checking my phone regularly. I'll give you a progress update when we get home later. All the very best, @SliceOfCakeCupOfTea "

I can't imagine getting 15 texts from my MiL and I know if I did, I'd have to put my mobile in the tea caddy for a few hours to get a break!

FlatCheese · 25/02/2023 19:15

Probably not a good idea to lie about the shingles thing though. If she's been reading up online she'll know that you can't catch shingles from someone who has chicken pox.

Newgirls · 25/02/2023 19:15

15 messages is not normal behaviour. Wow. Some good advice here which is kinder than I would be

Turnipworkharder · 25/02/2023 19:16

Maybe she's on MN and has read all about the awful husbands behaviour around kids sickness, and leaving it all to the wife ?

Anklespraying · 25/02/2023 19:20

You are looking after one five year old and she's acting like it's a crisis.

Just let your husband know everything is ok but she's driving you mad and block her number.

AlisonDonut · 25/02/2023 19:21

I'd probably respond 'we are having a lovely time as it happens, I'm not even taking my phone so probably won't respond to many messages. Have a lovely weekend'.

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 25/02/2023 19:29

Tell DH you're going to mute her on your phone and why, then send her one last text telling her you're turning your phone off so you and DS can watch a film and snuggle up on the sofa.

JussathoB · 25/02/2023 19:31

Some really good suggestions from queen of the bongo and others. I appreciate this is irritating for you OP, but I also think ( Ofc you know MIL better than I do) that her annoying behaviour is motivated by concern for you and her grandchild and also possibly by anxiety which is why she keeps on. she may also be lonely and frustrated. I know that’s not your problem but perhaps you can find a way to reassure her, and be kind, and also continue to enjoy your time with your DC, you are obviously coping marvellously. You have enough strength to manage this situation with your MIL kindly

JussathoB · 25/02/2023 19:32

Anklespraying · 25/02/2023 19:20

You are looking after one five year old and she's acting like it's a crisis.

Just let your husband know everything is ok but she's driving you mad and block her number.

Too harsh surely?

reallynow2 · 25/02/2023 19:34

Just get DH to deal with it. It is his mother.

NoSquirrels · 25/02/2023 19:39

Ah sounds anxious, for her own reasons. That’s obviously not your problem, nor should it be, but it’s clearly triggering something in her, perhaps about how she found early motherhood.

I actually would get your DH or SIL to have a word.

M08my · 25/02/2023 19:41

"Thank you for checking in with us MIL. Just wanted to reassure you that I'm really enjoying this 1-1 bonding time with DS. I'm trying to reduce my screen use so I won't be checking my messages often. We'll ring you to arrange a playdate once he's no longer contagious"

Then turn off the blue-tick function on WhatsApp (if you use that)

35965a · 25/02/2023 19:45

“Thanks MIL, we are having a lovely time actually, I’m going to turn my phone off today, I’ll text you soon” and block her (temporarily)

Everyonesinvited · 25/02/2023 19:48

The best way to deal with this is honestly but kindly. Explain you enjoy having the time with ds, are coping wonderfully but find it hard getting so many messages to read when you're busy with him. Assure her you will let her know if there's anything to be concerned about but otherwise you are going device free and she should try it.

FictionalCharacter · 25/02/2023 19:51

Don’t respond to all the messages, just the sensible ones.

viques · 25/02/2023 20:01

I think some of the messages about telling her what you are planning to do for the day then turning off the phone are good. But it might be nice to let the child face time her later in the day, she is obviously missing him, and he is probably missing seeing other people too if he is used to going to school.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread