MIL won't stop trying to help!

[SliceOfCakeCupOfTea]

So I know how petty and ungrateful I sound but I need some advice/perspective.

So DH is away this week (comes back tomorrow) and DS(5) has the chickenpox. He's totally fine, no illness, couple of spots, doesn't really seem to be bothering him.
I've got plenty of food in the house, loads of crafty type things that we like to do together and we have a massive garden that has a gate directly into some woods. We've been out for walks (keeping away from everyone obviously), doing crafts, riding bikes in the garden, baking/cooking, reading etc. It's actually been nice to have some proper time together as I usually work full time and he's at school etc.

So anyways, MIL was very disappointed as she and FIL were supposed to have DS for a day over the half term but I cancelled due to him having chickenpox and wanting to stay home. Ever since, she has text me hundreds of times every day, massive long messages giving me advice she has read on google (same stuff I've been reading too but I still say thank you), asking me how on earth I'm coping, offering to have DS so I can have a break, sending me general news articles, asking why I didn't insist DH comes home, texting him herself telling him he should be at home because I need a break etc.
TBH I don't feel like I need a break at all. We're managing just fine but the way she is acting is as if she's found me sobbing behind the bins or something. I'm spending more time reading and responding to her messages than I'm actually getting to enjoy this time with DS. If I don't answer a text after so long she rings me in case there's been an emergency.

Just today I've had 15 messages from her. I've tried politely telling her that we're fine but she doesn't stop and won't accept what I'm telling her.

AIBU to get DH involved? Or even SIL? I need someone else to tell her to rein it in because she isn't listening to me.

After a week of hundreds of messages a day, no.

Thank you all. Some really good ideas.

She is very sweet and kind and I know it all comes from a good place. She is very sensitive too so being too blunt would be hurtful which is why I'm trying to thread carefully first. Love the idea of telling her I'm leaving the phone behind and going out. Will probably actually do that.
She is disabled so can't get here on her own and FIL honestly has better things to do (he does everything. Works from home full time, looks after MIL, cooks, cleans, gardens etc).
I've tried face timing her but DS is a bit embarrassed about the spots so doesn't want anyone to see him so wouldn't step into frame.

DH is away at the moment so trying to get him involved will just make him worry and he needs this trip tbh. Won't go into detail about him but there are very good reasons.

SIL and I are quite close and I think if she knew I was being bombarded she would step in, but I don't want MIL to feel like I'm going behind her back iyswim.

Sounds like she is projecting because she is gutted to have lost out on her day with her little grandson. Id be kind and try not to let ot bother me too much

This is kind of endearing, she does sound sweet. My own mum is really paranoid about being a good MIL and I think my MIL is too (me and all my sisters in law are all v independent women with strong boundaries). This sounds like something mine would do because she'd want me to be taking care of myself too - like others have said she could be reading MN and seeing how run down so many mums are because their husbands leave them to it all. Mine would he mortified if she thought she raised a man like that.

If if was me, I'd tell her something like "thank you so much for checking in with me this week and all your offers of support. It means a lot knowing you are there when I need you 😀

Honestly I am really enjoying getting this 1:1 time with him without worrying about work and juggling life stuff! Sorry him getting sick meant he couldn't visit you but we can reschedule some fun grandma/Jimmy time once he is better."

This is definitely it! I'm her only DIL and she has worked very hard to include me and basically now treats me as a daughter.
But.
I have my own mother as well whom I am very, very close to.

I sometimes feel bad, like she is villainising DH when it's unjustified.

Mine does this! Like she wants me to know she's not one of those women who baby their adult sons and think the sun shines out his arse but it goes too far the other way. I think she does see me as a daughter and wants me to feel safe to go to her if he did anything bad. Fairly sire if he ever cheated she would beat him up!

He's a really good one though (if I do say so myself) so I big him up as much as I can and it seems to have reassured her enough to calm the slagging him off.

Just check her messages at bedtime
. Tell her you are having some tech free time.

15 messages a day is batshit. Just don’t respond. She needs to be weaned off the insanity of constant messages, it’s not normal.

Would she feel more involved if you sent her some photos of your day? If DS doesn't want to be photographed let him take the photos.

Honestly you could be talking about the same woman!
Even though DH was/is her baby and they've always been close, she makes a huge deal about the fact that she wouldn't accept any shit behaviour from him.
It's really nice but this week has been a killer from her.

"Honestly MIL I am ENJOYING the time with my son and all is fine. I'm going to have a digital detox as I'm on my phone more than I want to be, so I'll be switching my phone off for most of the day - don't worry, if I need you I'll be in touch! xx"

She is disabled so can't get here on her own and FIL honestly has better things to do (he does everything.

I think you might be missing something here - she cannot help, so feels helpless, and wants to stop you feeling that way. And her own DH does a lot a lot, as standard, so perhaps a regular amount of a lot seems like not much.

She sounds lovely, as do you.

@NoSquirrels yours is the most insightful compassionate response on the whole thread.

God there are some unempathetic people out there.

Give her a project.

Can she knit? If so, DS can do with a bigger jumper for next winter and yarn should be coming on sale soon if you are in the uk (and hopefully coming out of winter).

how about cooking a few meals for your freezer?

does she like to garden? Does she have a garden. DS really likes peas and carrots… and after watching diddly squat, is keen for home grown produce etc etc..

sew? DS could really do with new curtains and I like this fabric.. link to fabric.

she needs something to do and DS is her grandbaby (at any age). It’s hard to feel valued, loved and appreciated when your kids leave home, and it sounds like you have a decent MIL there.

just got to harness that excess energy and time into something that works for both of you….

good luck.

Thank you.

It helps to put things in perspective because it's easy to lose the details in the madness.

I've told her we're starting a big craft project today so won't be able to text her as will be papier-mache-ing (sp?) and painting, so will send an update at lunch time. Now I need to think of something to make!

Wow that’s far too much, it would drive me crazy! You need to stop replying to messages and then ignore the phone if she rings. Do this more and more so she gets used to it. She’s obviously got massive anxiety issues and is a worrier but it isn’t your problem to deal with!

Your MIL is concerned and disappointed. If DC is well enough to do crafts etc why couldn’t he go to Granny’s for a while? That I think that was your first mistake. However why not ignore her texts and calls each day until a set time in the afternoon. Then ring her and tell her or better still let your DC tell her what you have been doing all day. You could send her pictures of things you have made. But please let her be involved. Just imagine the outrage on MN if someone posted that they were struggling with an ill child and PIL hadn’t offered any help or support.

@GrannyRose15 this thread is from a year ago!

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