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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Depressed husband keeps saying he wants to leave

33 replies

Lostwifehelp · 25/02/2023 17:09

My husband is depressed and keeps talking about ending our relationship but then won’t move out because he’s “not sure”. We have two very young children. He wants to talk to me, but he’s always so negative about our relationship (which is not how I see things. I mean sure we have had our shares off ups and downs) and the conversations are not doing anything as far as I can see other than pulling me down. I’m not sure what to do any more.

OP posts:

OnAPostItNote · 25/02/2023 17:15

You are not unreasonable to be upset with this setup. Sorry to hear you are going through this.
He needs to be open and frank and if he feels he needs to go, then he must go. It’s unfair to make these threats. And they only seem to be threats. It emotionally draining and horrible for you. Have you any idea why he is depressed? Could he move out, sort out his mental health and then work on your relationship? Does he even want to try and save it? What are his plans for rearing his children?

Badger1970 · 25/02/2023 17:17

Is he using leaving as some sort of threat? Because depressed or not, that's pretty cruel behaviour and very manipulative....

Original poster

Lostwifehelp · 25/02/2023 17:18

I don’t think he’s the type to use threats. He keeps saying “I just don’t know”. He says there is a part of him screaming at himself saying “how can you do this?” And another part that says “yeah and so what?”

OP posts:

CleaningOutMyCloset · 25/02/2023 17:19

I agree with a pp, constantly telling you he wants to separate and won't leave 'just in case' is just cruel. Depressed or not, he's not being fair on you. You'll eventually get fed up with his constant threats and when he says he wants to leave, you may take the decision out iof his hands and agree with him, and leave him.

Original poster

Lostwifehelp · 25/02/2023 17:40

@OnAPostItNote

Have you any idea why he is depressed?
There are some childhood/parent issues but I don’t think he sees his negative thinking stemming from those as effecting his views about our relationship. I think he just sees our relationship as crap. Maybe I’m mad for not seeing it that way?!?

Could he move out, sort out his mental health and then work on your relationship?
He keeps talking about moving but won’t move

Does he even want to try and save it?
I get no sense that he does from the conversations we have… except for the fact that he keeps talking to me about it. If you’ve decided to leave then just stop talking and do it?

What are his plans for rearing his children? He keeps discussing Co-parenting, living close by, wanting to be involved etc.

OP posts:

pointythings · 25/02/2023 17:47

Is he addressing his depression through medication/therapy? Because that should be his first port of call, and he should be champing at the bit to start on it if he's serious about wanting to save the relationship.

If he's refusing to seek help and putting it all on you, that's manipulative.

Original poster

Lostwifehelp · 25/02/2023 17:52

@pointythings No he started therapy but said it’s makes things worse and doesn’t want to take medication.

OP posts:

ThinWomansBrain · 25/02/2023 17:57

What is he doing to get help for his depression?
If it was a physical problem - say a broken leg, you'd expect him to do something about it, not sit on the sofa for six months and see if it improved.
Unless he is actively taking steps to get assistance for his poor mental health, it's not unreasonable for you to say you're not putting up with the constant prevarication, leave. If he does change his mind six moths down the line, you can discuss whether or not you want him back.

BCBird · 25/02/2023 18:04

I know this might sound harsh,but u cannot be his counsellor. He must take sime responsibility and get some support. I know you said he doesn't want to take medication and thst the counselling did not work well then he needs to explore other avenues. It is not fair. Depression can sometimes make previously loving and caring people selfish. Hand hold.

Oblomov23 · 25/02/2023 18:08

His repeated threats are actually abusive, excusing it because of depression is not fair because being depressed and being abusive are very different things.

Most people know that counselling gets worse before it gets better. And his refusal to even try all the different medications, many different AD's, shows he's not on board.

greenspaces4peace · 25/02/2023 18:13

i'd make it easy for him and facilitate his move out.
maybe he's just really unhappy with the relationship and feels the need to stay out of guilt.
it's not healthy for you or the children to live under this cloud.

PrinceHaz · 25/02/2023 18:15

It’s abusive to make threats and it’s abusive to keep saying you want to leave then remaining.
I would stop thinking bout what he’s likely to do next and start ring proactive myself. If there’s a way for you to split then. Are your own plans to do it as soon as possible. He’s counting on you being the constant one while he messes you about. Time to reverse the roles, but assertively.

35965a · 25/02/2023 18:15

He sounds manipulative. Many people have depression and manage to treat their partners with respect. This ‘not sure’ bollocks would have me deciding for him. I’d leave because he’s being cruel to you.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/02/2023 18:18

Stop being a doormat and take control of this manipulative bullshit. He's saying this to keep you quiet and walking on eggshells. Show him where the door is and say you hope it doesn't hit his arse on the way out. Do not tolerate this nonsense. He either grows up, gets help with his issues and is a present father and partner, or he can leave.

Original poster

Lostwifehelp · 25/02/2023 18:31

Thank you everyone. I think when you love someone it colours how you see things. I need to think about the things that have been said here.

OP posts:

pointythings · 25/02/2023 18:49

Lostwifehelp · 25/02/2023 17:52

@pointythings No he started therapy but said it’s makes things worse and doesn’t want to take medication.

It is normal for therapy to make things worse at first, because it is bringing up things which are difficult to face. He will have been told that.

The fact that he is choosing not to continue and choosing not to take medication says that you and your family wellbeing are not a priority for him. He wants to carry on being his miserable, manipulative self and making you all miserable too. That isn't acceptable. Tell him this and give him consequences. Living with a depressed parent who will not help himself will have a massive negative impact on your children - save them from this.

pointythings · 25/02/2023 18:51

Many people have depression and manage to treat their partners with respect.

Also absolutely this. My DC2 has depression (alongside a hell of a lot of other health conditions. They manage to be a thoroughly decent, loving human being to their partner, keep up with doing a STEM degree, develop as a performing young poet and living a full life. Difference is taking medication, waiting for therapy waiting list to move, doing everything possible to be as well as they can be. Your husband has no valid excuse.

Greenfairydust · 25/02/2023 19:00

''@Lostwifehelp · Today 17:52
@pointythings No he started therapy but said it’s makes things worse and doesn’t want to take medication.''

So basically he is doing nothing to help himself and is making your life miserable instead.

As someone who has had depression, I can tell you that it no excuse to treat everyone in your life poorly.

There is help out there but that means the person being willing to admit they have an issues and asking for help from professionals.

To me it sounds like your partner is being manipulative and cruel and is using ''depression'' as a justification.

You can't be his psychiatrist and his emotional punching bag and you can't help someone who won't help himself.

Rather than listening to his threats to leave, take back control and tell him you want him to leave and focus on getting support and that you will no longer enable him.

KickAssAngel · 25/02/2023 19:02

It sounds like he wants you to make the decision so that he doesn't have to feel guilty. Also, constantly talking to you sounds like he's trying to make you as miserable as he is. Misery loves company.

He's not thinking of you or the kids at all. Depression can make people very selfish, but it doesn't have to.

Try to step away from engaging. Build a safe little world for you and the kids, and he gets to interact if he can be positive and supportive. If he's sitting there spreading gloom, he can go to his room.

NorthernNut · 06/07/2023 13:07

Hi just wondered how you were doing? What has happened since you posted? I'm finding myself in the same situation and feeling very lost right now..

spagettinoodlebrain · 06/07/2023 13:56

NorthernNut · 06/07/2023 13:07

Hi just wondered how you were doing? What has happened since you posted? I'm finding myself in the same situation and feeling very lost right now..

Hi I've posted similar a few weeks ago - going through exactly this in fact I've just shown my DH this thread to show him other people are going through similar and he's not alone! How are you doing?

Original poster

Lostwifehelp · 06/07/2023 16:44

@NorthernNut @spagettinoodlebrain I’m ok thanks. Things still much the same here. He hasn’t moved out. Is clearly still very depressed. Doesn’t talk about our relationship anymore but does talk about depressing things like how life is pointless, death etc.

OP posts:

ManateeFair · 06/07/2023 17:17

Lostwifehelp · 06/07/2023 16:44

I've suffered serious depression and during those times, I've certainly felt very much like life was pointless and that I wanted to die. Here's the thing though: I didn't keep talking about those things to my DP because clearly that would have been really bloody selfish of me.

Depression can certainly make a lot of things hard, and can certainly have a negative impact on the people around you in ways that are beyond your control. But most depressed people feel incredibly guilty about that, rather than actively trying to make their partner miserable too.

In my experience, if someone is an arsehole when they are depressed, the arseholery stems from them being an arsehole, not from them being depressed.

NorthernNut · 06/07/2023 17:21

Hi both sorry you are both in the same situation :( I'm so fed up I'm reaching the limits of what I can put up with .. DH is on medication and has been like this for a few years and it's just not improving. And his last solution to his problems is leaving me to see if the grass is greener. And whilst the logical part of me knows that it's the depression talking and not "him" and of I can stick with him long enough he will get better.. but I don't know how many more times I can take the beating (emotional torture not physical!) He's goen through these waves several times in the last 6/9 months and he brought it up again yesterday. But this time I jsut got mad and told him to go and his response is "forget I said anything".. how can you forget your partner keeps telling u that they want to leave? Don't I deserve to be wanted :( we've barely spoken since apart from the necessary to get through the day with the kids. I've got to the point where I think I want him to go and I've mentally started planning what single parenting will look like .. its heart breaking.
Sorry to vent. I don't want to tell anyone because I don't want people to judge

Snowpaw · 06/07/2023 17:24

I would facilitate him leaving, or at least facilitate a trial separation. It's not fair to you to live like this. It's hard enough raising small children without having a mopey adult around. Does he have family he can go to for a while?

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