Depressed husband keeps saying he wants to leave

[Lostwifehelp]

My husband is depressed and keeps talking about ending our relationship but then won’t move out because he’s “not sure”. We have two very young children. He wants to talk to me, but he’s always so negative about our relationship (which is not how I see things. I mean sure we have had our shares off ups and downs) and the conversations are not doing anything as far as I can see other than pulling me down. I’m not sure what to do any more.

That's kind of where my head is at.. he needs to go and figure life out without me and then we deal with the outcome. But this has been bubbling on too long now and I'm done. I doubt he could go to his family but possibly a friends house for a short while. If he decides thats it it will be a huge financial upheaval, selling the house etc but so be it. He would have to figure out his own living situation. I think one of the reasons I've wanted to keep him here is to keep him safe and not harm himself but I can't bubble wrap him any longer . It's wearing me down too much

Tata

Tell him you've waited patiently for him to decide, but you are not prepared to wait any longer for someone who is "not sure" about your relationship. It's quite insulting, actually, and sorry to say, I suspect it's because he can't actually bring himself to say the truth, that he doesn't want to be in the relationship any more, because he knows leaving your wife and 2 small children is the action of a cad.
Time for you to start being pro-active, you can't hang around indefinitely. If he can't give you the assurances you have every right to expect, he'll have to go. What happens to him after that is not your problem, but it may well be that the depression will get better when he's not living a half-lie.

"Should be champing at the bit"

WTH. Pretty much by definition, depressed people are not enthusiastic or motivated to do the things they need or wish to do.

It would be terrible advice to expect this, or read anything bad into a loved one's lack of motivation/action when they are depressed.

I was thinking about leaving at one point when depressed, and saying/doing things to make it easy for them to move on/discourage them looking for me, and it wasn't because I didn't love my family. In fact in a very twisted up way due to the illness, it was quite the opposite of not loving them. I wanted them to assume I had just done a bunk. For some people it is even a way to say "help" when they cannot ask explicitly

@OP see if you can suggest, signpost support and do what you can to help as we would all hope a loved one would do
and whatever you do don't see the symptoms of the illness as your fault or his fault. It is not necessarily up to either of you what happens.

Some people who get very little out of talking therapy of the "get it off your chest" kind (or even find it makes things worse) see more benefits from behavioral or trauma centred therapies.

He really needs to investigate the possible options with an accredited therapist. You are not just done if one thing doesn't work, even though it may seem that way.

I think he's being very cruel towards you. Ask him to move out. Depression is one thing, but this is just someone also being an arsehole. No doubt life with 2 small kids is boring and pointless and he's having some mid life crisis. He's dragging you down, preventing you from living a happy life and enjoying your children. I would seriously end it, for your sake and the kids.

Hi, I just wondered what the outcome was for you? I’m in a very similar position and would love to hear things went well for you both?

I would tell him to leave if he isn't happy. That you are not prepared to live in some kind of fucking limbo to suit him.

Tell him to contact you when he is "sure", and that at that point you will considerer whether or not you want him back. And that in the meantime you will move on with your life as suits you and that there may or may not be a place in it for him.