can't let go of the past, am I an abuser?

[CCb85]

Over the years I'm struggling to put aside stupid events/scenarios that may now (when upset/feeling uncared for/taken seriously etc) harber my feelings in my marriage. It's cases an impact and I can't let go. I think back to these moments and they make the small things big. One in particular.....

Rewind 10 years ago.... Newly married, young, we went out for a few drinks with my husbands old friend. They went off to the toilet and I found a table. Soon as I sat down a group of girls came over (hen doo) and insisted I took there table. It was a barrel table and a few stools, wouldn't be any good to them and no it wasn't there table. It was clear/empty. Anyway my husband and friend arrive back and sit down with me/us.... My tipsy bolshy husband can see there's an issue. I'm being stubborn and not giving up the small table. One particular girl is looking me up and down provoking me and laughing as she tells my husband "this girl has taken our table" he replies with she's my wife.... She laughs and frowns (yes me in the frumpy top and Jeans I'm his wife) my husband doesn't see an issue and continues to watch her chops off at me. Next minute he starts chanting fight fight fight fight..... She smirks and giggles. At this point I'm feeling humiliated, heart broken and very intimidated. I loose my head and walk out throwing a jug of drink over my shoulder. One girl filled me out and pushed to to the ground and threatened me. Mum husband told her to leave.

We argue and sometimes these moments surface. My husband reminds me it was in the past, why bring it up. I can't let it go because I feel part of the reason I am so hot headed and fairy in my marriage is because these red flags I ignored in my youth are like red flags haunting me. I don't feel the support or care i feel I deserve.

What I did (storming out/jug) wasn't acceptable but to this day the focus of that event is what I did. Everything before and after is disregarded.

Why can't I just let it go?? Why do I dwell on past events and let them fuel my feelings, I don't want them too.
Everyone has experience there partner calling everyone a boring c**t to a bunch of people at the table they don't know at a wedding right?? 🙄 Is that normal, drunk banter?? And being 8months pregnant at the time... I should be able to laugh at that right?? Shame they were my friends not his mind.

So when I'm cross or angry or feeling burnt out often I feel overwhelmed with these memories.

Does he care, did he ever care??

But when I scream, go crazy because I'm burnt out etc I'm a monster, I'm aggressive I'm an abusive. I'm picking on him for no reason. It can start with pants on the floor and I can irrupt and go crazy and I'm not sure why.

Screaming and shouting is never ok, OP. You can't be escalating minor arguments into these kinds of rows. You need to find out how to control your feelings.

Feeling humiliated and bottom of the pile is something else. That's him being disrespectful.

There’s clearly a lot going on with you from anger issues, to not being able to let go to having an odd chip on your shoulder about being “frumpy”. No internet stranger can unpack and fix all that. You might benefit from actively tackling this with a professional. I don’t say this to insult or wound you, it’s just clear this is a long running and complex issue for you.

But when I scream, go crazy because I'm burnt out etc I'm a monster, I'm aggressive I'm an abusive.

Yes this is abusive, being aggressive in your marriage is abusive. Maybe he’s abusive too it’s hard to tell. Your marriage is a waste of time though you are clearly miserable.

The inability to let go of old grudges is not a sign of mental wellness. Dredging them up years later to throw at your husband is grim. Agree with the pp - it sound like you need some professional help to disentangle all this because, whatever is going on, its not good for you.

I think you might need to talk to a professional for your own sanity and self worth. Not saying that his behaviour in the past hasn’t affected you, but you need the self confidence not to blow up and to feel able to hold your head high instead of flipping out. It’s just not a healthy way to live. Maybe you’re bad for one another?

Why can't I just let it go?? Why do I dwell on past events and let them fuel my feelings, I don't want them too.

It’s impossible to let feelings go unless you first let them in fully. You’ve got to feel it to heal it. Letting go is a bit of a poor description in my opinion! The way to freedom is more about “letting in”. The more you push your feelings away, the louder they’ll get because they need your attention. The more you welcome them and allow yourself to feel them, the more freedom you’ll feel.

Its okay to feel angry, furious, full of rage. These feelings teach you where your preferences lie, where your boundaries are.

I think the work for you (for all of us) is to learn to tolerate your feelings and allow yourself to feel them. Then you put some space between you and your feelings, enough space to start making conscious choices about how you act.

There’s a a couple of ways to do that:

Number 1 that applies to all options, is to practice self-compassion. REALLY important. Ignore the judgemental replies on MN. Be kind to yourself about where you’ve ended up. Be kind to yourself about your feelings - you feel them for a reason. Be kind to yourself about the actions you regret - you’ve done the best you can with the knowledge and resources you’ve had so far.

so ideas…

Expensive - Work with a therapist - we first learn regulate our feelings through relationship, so if you never got that from your parents in childhood a therapist is a really, really good option. It’s expensive, but worth foregoing holidays/smoking/alcohol/new clothes for a year or two. Invest in yourself and you’ll reap massive rewards.

Free - mindfulness meditation - this practice teaches us how to sit with our feelings and observe them. Practising 15 minutes a day can help build the neural pathways in your brain that allow you to pause from taking any action and simply observe or ‘be’ with your feelings. (you don’t have to use Headspace - just set a timer and focus on your breath. You can use free videos on YouTube to guide you at first)

Free - start journalling - “Journalspeak” by Nicole Sachs is the best description of how to journal for emotional release that I’ve come across. Again a free practice, just set a timer and write. www.thecureforchronicpain.com/journalspeak

Wonderful advice from @Starseeed . This is what you need.

I've had to deal with a lot of his selfish ways in the past. Possibly moments many people would walk away from. I didn't.

As I've got older I've sat and suddenly wondered how can someone do these things if they 'love you'

I think my 'rage' has stemmed from these moments. I want a compassionate husband, I just want his care and attention. I don't throw things I don't make personal remarks, my outbursts when I feel completely broke and burnt out as a busy mum of 3 is just upset and white noise. But he reacts so sensitively.

Could anyone live day to day marriage with no passion, care, conversation (other that bills/kids/school) and not do anything with one another and not every 6months and not flip out? I feel lonely in my marriage. Since our youngest came along sex is practically off the cards. I care about it. It doesn't seem to phase him nothing does.
We have no time for each. We hide behind the kids and the chaos of family life.

But now, every few months I'm left broken and looking at past events wondering did he ever actually love me. My rage and upset is set off by the smallest of things and I believe it's because I'm done in.
Our kids are fantastic and a joy to be with, we're very blessed.

But I go to work I cook, clean.... My name is Mum.

OP...this sounds like lots of different issues and I think you'd massively benefit from talking to a professional. A good therapist will help you get to the root of your feelings.

@Starseeed has good advice.

You can spend time analysing your marriage and place run your household, but everything goes back to your relationship with yourself.

if you want compassionate, caring people in your life, you first have to get to know how to be compassionate and caring towards yourself.

There will be reasons that you’ve made the choices you’ve made so far in life, reasons you’ve said yes to setting up house with this particular man and raising your children in this particular way.

All of it goes back to how you treat yourself, how much you value your feelings and preferences, how much attention you give yourself.

Its very painful to go inwards and feel your pain and recognise how you’ve abused yourself and others and allowed others to abuse you, but it’s the only way to a more contented, peaceful life.

You know you don’t have to be in that marriage, right? If it isn’t working for you then you leave. You can live a life where your husband don’t provoke you or ignore you. You are not happy, but you are also being a martyr. Just remove yourself from him and rest will be easier to tackle. If you don’t make any drastic changes, then this is unfortunately your life now for the rest of your days. You know you can do better.

Thank you so much @Starseeed sound advice!

OK we in light of your second post there does sound like there are significant issues in your marriage. I still think you should find someone to work things through with though. To work out what you want.

@Snoken it’s not always so easy to make choices that might be obvious to others.
I imagine at some point in the past, @CCb85 had to choose attachment - survival - (probably with parents) over authenticity (being true to her feelings) which set up a pattern for life. What’s obvious to you might not be to others who had different experiences.

@CCb85 if you want to know more about that read Dr Gabor Maté’s books or look up his interviews (plenty on YouTube).

I wouldn't forget it if my partner called me a boring cunt, or the embarrassment if he said this to a bunch of my friends. (Unless we regularly insulted each other affectionately! It happens, but this clearly wasn't your case.) I don't understand your story about the pub table / hens / jug. I do understand what you mean about no conversation, date nights or sex. A marriage like that is a kind of living hell. Where's he getting his social interactions, does he have lots of mates at work?

I think you've got problems in your marriage, and I think you've got reasons to feel angry, resentful even. For some reason you seem to bottling all this up, stewing over past incidents, and avoiding the real issue day to day. It's inevitable that you'd explode every now and again, one way or another.

Well done for starting this thread - it's a beginning. Where next? @Starseeed's advice is good for anyone, what do you think?

True, but I think it’s good for her to know that from an outside perspective the relationship is doomed and that she deserves more/better. Life is too bloody short to live like that, and especially with a man who encourages others to fight his wife.

Life is never black and white. You need to work on being a person that you are proud of. Your DH sounds toxic and if I were you I would leave.

Thank you. I think I do need to speak to someone. I guess I just needed to start with options from those on the outside looking in, am I crazy, horrible. Is it me... Did I let this happen??

The hen doo (group of girls) was a big blow. I mean he still says I was out of order for upsetting the girls. He provoked me chanting 'fight fight fight' when he could see me struggling with 6/8 girls over a table. I could have backed down and gave them the table, but out of principal for whatever reason I couldn't. I lost it (I have never in my life lashed out like that it's not in me) I threw my jug drink as I left the bar. I felt terrible, but I couldn't comprehend how your partner would do that, humiliated and not stick up for you in one swift move. It's hard to explain without setting the scene. There was no way I was gonna come first out of a bunch of girls in white body con dresses dressed as angles. I was in the wrong.

If I'm in a supermarket and a woman needs something off the shelf I'm at he'll tell me 'babe this woman needs to pass or grab something' it's because a joke. He calls me road block and we do laugh. But I also joke and say.... But I'm hear too shop too!!

I think I'm worn out. Mentally.

But if I'm rocking the baby to sleep and come down to him watch TV and dishes from the dinner I've cooked still undone after a 3 hour bed rock session with baby and I lash out and say you don't help you're bloody useless, piss off etc.... I'm aggressive and horrible. I only had to ask for help 🥴😩

You sound wiped put OP, just by the way you write (not the typos or spelling mistakes which are normal, but streams of consciousness sometimes hard to follow).

I think all the advice about taking time for yourself, caring for yourself, being OK with yourself is key. You aren't in a good place and your relationship is possibly worse.

You need professional help.

I'm so slow. I miss how it feels to be connected to someone. I can feel myself growing bitter and jealous at the thought of others being happily married. This isn't me.

The new issue I face is my husband calling me fake and that I go to work happy and come home happy and that people don't know the real me. I grew up in my community where we live they all know me very well. I've never hidden my firey passion. But I'm not nasty. I work hard in the community and help with events and help out with school. I like to be hands on. My DH isn't a people person. He doesn't have a lot of friends and makes no effort since I've known him and his jobs to make any. He says they're colleagues that how I like to keep it. He had a dreadful time in school, bullying etc. It's awful I feel it's harboured his want for meeting people. Hes totally laid back which is a great quality but lack drive or ambition. I often have to push the family out the door to get stuff done. But as usual, I'm the hot headed one he reminds me often. And today he's told me we don't argue it's not an argument because you're the only one upset. You're the one with the problem. I'm exhausted.

Sounds like you could do with some information about narcissism

Is that what I am? 🥺

He called me a gaslighter once. I think I'm just emotionally empty, I'm giving my all to the family and not getting much back from the physical side of our relationship. I miss it.
I took my baby to bed and fell asleep with her the other night. I came downstairs at 11pm (dishes, toys everywhere) and he assumed I had gone to bed 😩 I was sad coz I'd slept away 'our time' In my daughters bed. He didn't notice.

I don't want to be a monster. I want to be the best I can.

Impossible to say who is what,but consider the option that theres toxicity in tour marriage and listen to dr ramanis advice tp clear your head a bit. ( to me he sounds like a gaslighter,btw)