can't let go of the past, am I an abuser?

[CCb85]

Over the years I'm struggling to put aside stupid events/scenarios that may now (when upset/feeling uncared for/taken seriously etc) harber my feelings in my marriage. It's cases an impact and I can't let go. I think back to these moments and they make the small things big. One in particular.....

Rewind 10 years ago.... Newly married, young, we went out for a few drinks with my husbands old friend. They went off to the toilet and I found a table. Soon as I sat down a group of girls came over (hen doo) and insisted I took there table. It was a barrel table and a few stools, wouldn't be any good to them and no it wasn't there table. It was clear/empty. Anyway my husband and friend arrive back and sit down with me/us.... My tipsy bolshy husband can see there's an issue. I'm being stubborn and not giving up the small table. One particular girl is looking me up and down provoking me and laughing as she tells my husband "this girl has taken our table" he replies with she's my wife.... She laughs and frowns (yes me in the frumpy top and Jeans I'm his wife) my husband doesn't see an issue and continues to watch her chops off at me. Next minute he starts chanting fight fight fight fight..... She smirks and giggles. At this point I'm feeling humiliated, heart broken and very intimidated. I loose my head and walk out throwing a jug of drink over my shoulder. One girl filled me out and pushed to to the ground and threatened me. Mum husband told her to leave.

We argue and sometimes these moments surface. My husband reminds me it was in the past, why bring it up. I can't let it go because I feel part of the reason I am so hot headed and fairy in my marriage is because these red flags I ignored in my youth are like red flags haunting me. I don't feel the support or care i feel I deserve.

What I did (storming out/jug) wasn't acceptable but to this day the focus of that event is what I did. Everything before and after is disregarded.

Why can't I just let it go?? Why do I dwell on past events and let them fuel my feelings, I don't want them too.
Everyone has experience there partner calling everyone a boring c**t to a bunch of people at the table they don't know at a wedding right?? 🙄 Is that normal, drunk banter?? And being 8months pregnant at the time... I should be able to laugh at that right?? Shame they were my friends not his mind.

So when I'm cross or angry or feeling burnt out often I feel overwhelmed with these memories.

Does he care, did he ever care??

But when I scream, go crazy because I'm burnt out etc I'm a monster, I'm aggressive I'm an abusive. I'm picking on him for no reason. It can start with pants on the floor and I can irrupt and go crazy and I'm not sure why.

You said "rewind 10 years ago" to you going out for a drink with him

10 years ago!!!

What on earth are you still doing with him and what a waste of your life
Do not waste another 10 minutes let alone 10 years

I think you know what you need to do

This is toxic all round and trying to figure out exactly who is to blame for what is pointless. all you can do is take yourself away from this dysfunction and work on yourself.

What you describe as fiery passion I would consider emotional dysregulation, you say the people you grew up with are aware of it so it's not just as a result of your relationship by the sounds of it. It seems quite extreme though and beyond the realms of 'normal' reactions to me.
I would wonder if you're having (high functioning) autistic meltdowns or if you're so affected by things because you have BPD. I'd really read up on both and see if you recognise yourself at all in them. I definitely think you need to talk to someone though and also leave your OH who one way or another is triggering you.

I don't think the pp was saying you're a narcissist by the way but suggesting your OH may be.

OP, I really feel for you. Do you have a good support network, family, best friends? Anyone close by?

How was the relationship with your family growing up? Often this can hold the secrets to why you feel as you do now.

I think your DH sounds like an immature arsehole and just really lazy. I can see how that is triggering. Does he work hard in his job? Is he helpful with the kids? Doesn't sound like it.

You are a mum of three, they also sound quite young. And you have a job, and help in your community. You sound like a super woman. And a very good mum. It's such a hard time, you need more support and care from your partner.

Definitely seek out a therapist to unpack why you feel as you do. Your partner sounds like he needs to do the same.

And really start to consider whether you want to be with him. I think you'd be happier without him from what you've told us about him.

Sending a hug x

Oh OP you just sound like broken and worn out you may have some issues that you need to work on with a good therapist but I think a lot of those problems stem from the useless twat you married there are 2 of you in the marriage it’s not all you it’s mostly him as well. I’m sending you an unmumsnetty hug things will get better you have made taken the first step by recognising that there is a problem and making this post now you need to figure out what your going to do and work on leaving your DH you and your kids would be happier without him round.

Your posts all seem to be justifying your bad behaviour due to him making you feel hurt or upset.
I was with a friend once when she said to her toddler who was having a screaming fit over something minor "You are allowed your feelings, I understand your feelings, but your behaviour is not allowed". That was a brilliant parenting moment I've always admired.

Its the same for you OP. You're not unreasonable for feeling hurt about these situations, but you are unreasonable for letting those feelings manifest as shouting/screaming/throwing a fit/throwing glass jugs in crowded pubs. That's the bit you need help and support with.

I hope you find the headspace and support to change aspects of your life which are making you feel so wound up.

(That's not ignoring the fact that he's a knob for making you feel hurt and upset in the first place!)

I think you should see a therapist, sometimes your subconscious gives you a poke to look at something that needs dealing with.
It sounds like your husband uses your emotions to humiliate and goad you, and then accuses you of being abusive. You need to sit down with someone and unpick all of it. For now, write it out, all of it. Everything you can remember. Don't let him know you are doing that.