Is this an abusive marriage or am I overthinking things?

[CatTrees]

Hi all.

Been married 10 years and have mostly been happily married. About 2 years ago DH started getting quite mopey, around the time I joined a unisex sports group and started going to the gym. He started getting jealous that other men are looking at me (they werent) and saying I was moving on and flirting with them (which I wasnt).

He then started telling me I can't wear leggings because it shows off my bum. I put him straight about that one very quick, but every now and then he tells me I shouldn't wear something because it's too showy which is ridiculous because I'm usually wearing shorts and a t shirt.

I feel like I have to lie when I bump into my male friends because otherwise he will stonewall me for days. He also gets insecure about his weight and says I'm not doing enough in the marriage to stay connected with him, despite organising date nights!

When he is good we are very good but lately I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him.
He buys me chocolates, dresses up for our date nights and cuddles me but if I show some independence he thinks I don't need him.

I've never cheated on him or anyone so not sure what to do. I've suggested counselling but he doesn't want to go

He sounds possessive, insecure and jealous. That you have to lie and he stonewalls sounds like it could be abusive. Stonewalling is horribly destructive to a relationship. Does he attempt to control you in other ways?

Yes he is being controlling. The fact that you are feeling anxious and not wanting to tell him normal things is a bad sign. Have you found yourself altering your behaviour to avoid a blow-up?

He makes snide remarks sometimes before I'm about to head out to the gym but hasn't actually stopped me from going anywhere. Just tries to make me feel bad and nitpicks my words.

And yes I watch what I say to avoid an argument

Trying to dictate what you wear and who you talk to by stonewalling you is controlling. It’s not normal to have to hide the fact that you talked to a man.

My next question is what do I do. I do love him but I'm not going to put up with this behaviour. No kids in the picture and I work full time but I moved overseas with him so all my family is back in the UK

No kids? Oh the answer is easy. Walk away.

What do you want to do? There are lots of choices from insist on relationship counselling to stay in the relationship, just leave, stay as things are (but I don't think you want that), stay conditionally. Having no kids makes it a lot simpler as you have the option of returning to the UK more easily.

What do you want to do?

No children, easy decision IMO.

This behaviour can probably temporarily improve, if you give him an ultimatum, or have couples therapy, but long term it’s likely to get worse, especially if you have children.

Leave him. There is so much more to life than tiptoeing round a possessive controlling dickhead!

I'm not sure. I don't want to move back as I'm really doing well here. I wish he could get over his insecurities and enjoy life with me, as it is he goes to work and then plays his xbox when he's not working. But I also don't want to change him if that's what he wants to do that's fine but I want to enjoy life with someone

He sounds very jealous and insecure. He’s clearly been worried that you joined a gym to not just improve yourself but maybe try find someone else. He might feel like you’re not putting enough energy into the relationship and whilst he’s been insecure he’s panicking about things. He’s trying to control what you wear etc as he’s afraid of losing you. (I am thinking all of this due to many other posts in which women say a man might be cheating if he suddenly starts putting effort into himself etc)
You can’t live your life in fear of him going in a bad mood. He can’t decide what you wear and you can’t just pretend you didn’t bump into friends because he might get upset.

You need to speak to him and explain all of this. Ask why his behaviour suddenly changed when you started going to the gym. Explain how unhappy this is making you . He needs to get some support and if he isn’t willing to do that then tell him you’ll need some time apart.

Did you go out much before you joined the gym? Do you go out with friends (without him)? If all he does is work and play the x-box do you do much together?

So he's insecure, controlling AND boring. He's driving you away all on his own!

@toomuchlaundry no we didn't really. I was quite depressed and anxious so was happy to sit at home. I've been feeling really good about myself lately and he automatically thinks I'm cheating or flirting with other men

@Hiddenvoice that does sounds right. We get on so well when we aren't in a bad patch, but for the last 12 months it hasn't been very good.

Would he consider coming to the gym with you?

Sounds like he’s not as fit as you and spends time on his X box. Could it be a shared activity?

Tell him the gym does wonders for your mental health and you're not giving it up. But you would like him to come with you. Every time he makes a remark, tell him to come with you. He can feel insecure but it's not on you to make him feel better, be has to work on that himself.

That's a good idea. I have asked if he wants to join but he says no not yet

An ex used to do this to me. I didn't realise it at the time, but it was a sign that he didn't really care about me.

I would tell him that you are unhappy and you want to go to joint counselling. If he says no, then you need to gently tell him that things can’t go on as they are and you are contemplating leaving him unless he his willing to work on things with you and counselling is non-negotiable, and you need him to try if he wants to save your relationship

@DuchessOfSausage I'm so sorry, it's an awful feeling. I kind of get that impression as he withholds information from home from me.

This statement is a massive red flag that you are in a bad relationship.

The quality of a relationship is not measured by how good it is when you are getting along. It’s measured by how well you both handle things when there are problems or disagreements. That is what determines if your relationship will be a successful or happy one.

Your relationship is terrible. Not only is he seeking to control you with his moods, but you have grown away from him. You now want, as you say ‘someone to enjoy life with’ , and that is not this man who has no interests outside of work and gaming.

You have no kids. It’s easy. Leave this man. Start living your new life with your new confidence.

You need to have a big talk. Really talk. He needs to know he can’t pull shit like that. You don’t cheat or flirt and his insecurities are completely in his own head, pushing them on to you isn’t acceptable. Him passing comments like that is controlling and is breeding contempt - and that does not a happy marriage make.

I saw this the other day and although I couldn’t watch it all the bit I saw reminds me of what you’re talking about and it is abusive fb.watch/iVtao2QDsj/

@Idliketobeanonymous that actually hits the nail on the head. That is scary

Next time he gets moody I'll be sitting him down and telling him we need help

@CatTrees , thanks. It's not you, it's him.
He's trying to control you and making everything 'your fault'.
You conform to his request about the gym and clothes, he'll find something else, and whatever you do won't be good enough.

If you have a gut feeling he's holding things from you, he probably is.

If I had a piece of advice to my younger self about relationships, it would be
'At the first sign of shit, get out. It won't get better'