Is this an abusive marriage or am I overthinking things?

[CatTrees]

Hi all.

Been married 10 years and have mostly been happily married. About 2 years ago DH started getting quite mopey, around the time I joined a unisex sports group and started going to the gym. He started getting jealous that other men are looking at me (they werent) and saying I was moving on and flirting with them (which I wasnt).

He then started telling me I can't wear leggings because it shows off my bum. I put him straight about that one very quick, but every now and then he tells me I shouldn't wear something because it's too showy which is ridiculous because I'm usually wearing shorts and a t shirt.

I feel like I have to lie when I bump into my male friends because otherwise he will stonewall me for days. He also gets insecure about his weight and says I'm not doing enough in the marriage to stay connected with him, despite organising date nights!

When he is good we are very good but lately I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him.
He buys me chocolates, dresses up for our date nights and cuddles me but if I show some independence he thinks I don't need him.

I've never cheated on him or anyone so not sure what to do. I've suggested counselling but he doesn't want to go

I think he imagines having a partner as being a bit like having a dolly. She’s not a real person with feelings, needs or preferences, she’s an item that exists for his benefit alone.
He doesn’t want his dolly doing her own thing.

That dolly analogy makes sense. Sakes why do some people have to be so shit!

The other thing my younger self is that:
'You don't love him, you love who you think he is.'

He's showing you who he is, but you see who you think he is.

Thanks Duchess, you've been very helpful as has everyone else here xx. I think we have to have a big talk

I don’t think it’s an abusive marriage, but I do think you could do better. If someone isn’t comfortable enough with themself to support positive life changes, do they love you or want to control you?

I think you should move on.

I think this could be one of those sliding door moments when in ten years you either look back from a new happy place and think thank god I changed things or you look back and think why didn’t I listen to myself and trust myself to deserve better back then because now look how stuck I am.

I would never advocate staying in an unhappy unbalanced relationship however, it is not easy to confront whatever issues your husband seems to have. It sounds like he has some deep seated stuff going on (the lack of motivation, insecure childish reactions, controlling tenancies etc) Not everyone has a personality disorder, so many people walking around with wounds from childhood, undiagnosed depression etc..

That being said I think a serious talk is essential, he will need to see someone professional (with or without you) You seem to have pulled yourself out of a funk (which is bloody awesome by the way!) Maybe one last serious ultimatum to wake him up and if no action happens its time to move on with your life. As the cliché says its very short and you deserve a partner that builds you up, not one that drags you down and compromises your happiness. Good luck OP ❤

I am quite surprised that nobody has mentioned your husband is clearly depressed. You describe the relationship as having been married for 10 year and him being ‘mopey that last two’.

aside from many of the delusions and negative thinking that come with depression it also takes a massive hit at one’s self esteem.

you mentioned your DH felt uncomfortable with his weight and he’s now insecure in your relationship with you doing something about it etc. he feels worthless and bad about himself and is projecting that onto you, while also fearing for your marriage.

it sounds very much like he’s struggling mentally especially if this behaviour is out of character for the majority of your relationship; he needs to get therapy ASAP and possibly medication.

is it abusive? Slightly yes, but it’s also a symptom of his mental health and I do think it’s not a permanent issue if treated xxxx

I don’t think it really matters why he is being abusive, no matter his ‘reasons’, the effects of that abuse on the op are the same.

Do not have children with this man! You can walk away and rebuild your life. He is not supportive of your (perfectly normal) choices about exercise and clothing, he is suspicious of you and insecure. The stonewalling is abusive. He doesn't not consider how you must be feeling having left your home country to be with him. He should be trying to help you to adjust to life in a new place, not creating barriers for you. If he isn't depressed you need to walk away. If he is depressed you need to keep your eyes open and make decisions consciously.

I’m sorry I disagree. If you’ve been married to a person for a decade, of which the overwhelming majority have been OK and this starts to occur, you both owe it to the relationship to see what can be done to fix it rather than just walking away.

Obviously in the case of extreme abuse or physical abuse this does not stand, but I would argue these are absolutely symptomatic of depression.

I went through a terrible depression a few years ago and my personality was absolutely dreadful including severe paranoia which also included my poor DH and various other things. Within a couple of months of medication I was back to normal and have coping mechanisms in place that I’ve not experienced it again.

you don’t leave someone based on something like depression UNLESS they don’t do anything to fix it. Depression can happen to anyone, including you and likewise it can be impossible to control it if you’re in a very severe state of it.

But the op does not have to put up with the effects of that abuse. No matter why someone is abusive it can have extremely damaging, life-long effects on the victim. Why should she risk permanent damage to her own mental health because for two years her partner has potentially had mental health issues which he knows are affecting her but hasn’t tried to resolve.

Propabaly because we’re not mental health experts capable of diagnosing depression from one line of a post on a forum. Where did you get your degree?

*probably

I’m sorry I disagree. If you’ve been married to a person for a decade, of which the overwhelming majority have been OK and this starts to occur, you both owe it to the relationship to see what can be done to fix it rather than just walking away.

It sounds to me more as though the recent grumpiness and controlling attitude is more to do with the fact that the OP has been feeling better about herself and doing exercise etc and he is threatened by that. I don't think the OP owes it to him to educate him about the fact that she has the right to have some time to herself, to do things which make her feel healthy and confident, to have friends without being accused of flirting, and to wear what she wants. If he doesn't already understand that, then he's a misogynist arse.

Does he have any hobbies outside the home ?

Do not stop going to the gym, it is good mentally & physically

Wear exactly what you want (you are not his child)

Are there any more clubs that you wish to join ?

This is clearly all about him and he’s projecting onto you. I had a partner like this and in retrospect, I wish I’d been way tougher on him when he got jealous over me talking to another guy or tried to dictate what I could wear. If I could go back I would be really sharp and tell him he’s being insecure each time he said something shitty to me.
point his behaviour out and insist on therapy and don’t back down. It will damage your relationship and self confidence if you don’t.