Friend Fishing for Info?

[Rain95]

AIBU in finding it hard to converse with a female friend who rarely gives details about her own life but asks a lot of questions about what I'm doing?

It's someone I've known for a very long time. It's always been this way.

On the off-chance it was slow fading, I deleted her number and made no effort, but every day or so she'd continue to ask how I am.

Not sure if she's just not great at messaging, though conversations tend to go as below:

Her: How are you?

Me: Good, thanks. Doing xyz.

Her: Good, thanks.

There is nothing to build on. Even when I ask open questions I tend to get a very brief response.

In contrast, she asks a lot about what I'm doing. Sometimes I'll just say things I'm involved in so there's something to build on, but this makes me look self-absorbed.

If it's relevant, in person she tends to gossip a lot about other people.

YABU - Some people are very reserved
YANBU - Fishing for info

I cant see anything about where you ask how she is and what she's been up to. Does it seem like she's being nosey because she's actually asking about your day whereas you're not asking her anything?

You need to ask her ho s she's doing... How is work... Does she want to meet.

I do ask her how she's doing, how her week is going etc.

She'll respond 'ok' or 'boring'

Then I'll say "Why boring?"

Then I'll get another one - three word response.

I've stopped asking to meet since she usually says she's busy. She last asked to meet in December.

I find it a lot easier to message other friends who give a few sentences each response.

She’s your friend of many years, you must have some idea about her life. Why don’t you ask purposeful questions? “Glad to hear you’re well. How did it go with that product launch you were doing at work / have you finished landscaping your garden yet / did you and DH decide between Mallorca and Tenerife for your holiday in the end / what’s all the goss about Kate and Ted’s wedding?”

But ultimately if she’s talkative in person if just sounds like she’s not much of a texter. Some people aren’t. If you enjoy spending time together when you do both actually manage to arrange it then just keep persevering at that and stop trying with the small talk.

Oh that's my MIL! She just fires a barrage of rapid-fire questions at us, always prying, and if you ask about her she just somehow avoids answering and goes back to asking us really private intrusive questions about things we don't want spread around everyone she ever met.
I'd never have a friend who did this or choose to associate with her if I didn't have to, it's a real downer. She's an interrogator and sometimes I joke she's The Daily Mail personnified.

“Glad to hear you’re well. How did it go with that product launch you were doing at work / have you finished landscaping your garden yet / did you and DH decide between Mallorca and Tenerife for your holiday in the end / what’s all the goss about Kate and Ted’s wedding?”

I try all this and the response is always "ok" or "fine"

I have 2 friends like this. They ‘pump’ you for info about you and your life and then when ask questions back - nothing. Or they are dodged. Or plain ignored! It’s exhausting isn’t it? I sometimes feel both are living their lives through me, (don’t mean to sound arrogant there but can’t put it any other way!)

i have a friend like this, i sometimes limit what i tell her she doesnt gossip as such but has this thing about knowing stuff about other people gives her some kind of power (which is bullshit imo)

I'm so glad it's not just me who finds people like this are very hard work!

I had someone like that, she was texting as if out of duty rather than because she wanted to. So her heart wasn't really in the conversation, she just sits with a coffee or her fag and does the 'rounds' of mass texting hi how are you (she sends them in a way they get sent to each person individually, not a group chat). I know this because I saw her do it, it was very clever, one text but sent to multiple recipients, so she wants to collect everyone's news but because she was texting so many other people she only gave brief answers. Some people go for quantity over quality in friendships and for her, she thought she did her bit by asking after us regularly but really her interactions had no authenticity or genuineness about them. She was just going through the motions.

I think it's likely this. That the "Hi, how are you?" is sent to a lot of people individually.

I haven't kept in touch with anyone from school whereas she has.

Just say "fine thanks, doing this and that - the usual"

Or just don't reply

I have a friend like this too and I've kind of just stopped talking to her. The last time we met up she brushed off my questions with "oh I'm sick of talking about it" (something we hadn't spoken about but I guess she was happy to talk to everyone else about) or just non-answers. But then asked really intrusive questions to me! I got sick of it.

I've been tempted to do the same "Ok, thanks" but since it would be a change she'd probably ask if I was avoiding her.

I had an ex who when we were dating would sometimes give one word responses to be dismissive. When I mirrored his style he'd get so angry.

It's the unequal level of sharing that's uncomfortable. On one hand, it's nice that someone listens. On the other, only one person is taking a risk.

Just answer with what you're comfortable with. Forget the rest. She's not really a friend if she shares nothing at all with you.

I’m autistic and probably ask more questions than I answer because I’m trying so hard to be “normal” and I can’t imagine anyone being interested in what I have to say.

if I ask you how you are it’s because I very much DO care - not the opposite.

I think she's potentially mildly autistic. She said someone had suggested that before (though not a professional).

I was going to say the same as a poster above. Maybe she is asking questions because she genuinely cares and thinks that is being supportive to you but has low self esteem so doesn’t like to talk too much about herself.

The only thing that makes me wary is that she's previously had a few people she stayed in contact with just to 'hate read' and make fun of.

I'm probably over thinking it.

It sounds like she doesn't know how to have a conversation. Doesn't want to talk about herself, but doesn't know how to continue the conversation without asking more questions. I wouldn't say she's fishing for info. She just sounds awkward.

I’m not surprised you’re wary then. But this would put me off someone fully.

Besides the fact she’s obviously not much of a conversationalist.

Just ignore her texts? Or just send a thumbs up emoji.

She's fine in person but we only meet 2 - 3 times a year.

I don't want to fall out with her at all. Just confused by the messaging style.

Most of the time I'd ask to meet I got a response that sounded like an excuse, so assumed it was a slow fade. Except she still messages every 2 - 3 days.

I underestimated. We probably met about 6 times last year.