AIBU to enforce supervised visits?

[saymynameagain]

NC as very very identifying.

Ex hasn't seen DC's for three years due to him physically assaulting me and just diss apt from the face of the earth. Last year, a solicitor contacted me to try and arrange visits for DC's. I said I was happy for contact to resume via telephone but would like supervised contact initially for a couple of months (as DC's haven't seen dad for three years and they witnessed the abuse). This was all agreed and the solicitor signed it off.

Telephone contact was going very well and DC's were happy to be in contact with dad. However, ex (the dad) started to use the telephone contact initially to have conversations with me which shut down quickly and that stopped..for a while.

After a while, ex began to message me constantly and wanted to find out my whereabouts. Therefore, he came to DC's school unannounced. He claims that it was because he wanted to see the DC's but he only came to the school as he knows that I will be there and he wanted to see what I was doing.

After a while, DC's asked that he would like to start supervised visits. To be fair, I have taken a whole to start this as I will be the one responsible to put and money is a bit tight- so of course his angry about that as it isn't started yet.

Then recently DC's dad has been calling my phone approx 10 times a day. He wants to know what I'm doing, who I'm talking to, he told me that I cannot be in a relationship with anyone else as he would not stomach the idea of someone being "inside of me" and does not want the DC's to have a step dad. He said that he will not allow me to move on.

Now for this past week, DC's dad has been complaining that I have been taking a while to sort out supervised visits and he has now decided that he is not interested in doing supervised visits and wants to see his DC's freely. I told him no- that it is be at to do things properly for DC's sake and see how it goes. He is refusing to do this. He said only sex offenders are required to do supervised visits and that his eldest DC, 14, is too old for this. He is giving me an ultimatum, and gets irate on the phone. He keeps asking me that "am I not allowing him to see his DC's- am I stopping (him) from seeing his DC's". I tell him "no- but he has to do supervised visits" and I'm just getting all insults and threats. But bottom line he is not agreeing to this and wants un regular access to the DC's. Please let me know if IABU. I am sat here crying, as I do not know what to do- I'm trying to think of the best interests for the DC's but I want to keep myself space. Please advice and tell me what I'm doing wrong.

He doesn't care about his kids he only cares about getting to you clearly. How sad for your kids, what do they want to do? I'd just take it through court personally. Feel terrible for you.

I'd consider reporting to the police for harassment and getting a restraining order.

How long have has it been since you agreed to supervised visits to now?

i would get the wheels in motion for the supervised visits now then leave the ball in his court if he turns up.

Yanbu and also what goodchat said.

Stay strong, op.

Do not answer his calls. Block his number. Do not give him access to you.

How do the children feel about contact with him? Bear in mind that if the children are over a certain age they will be asked their views about contact if you go to court. But a court order may be the best way to keep the contact purely between him and the children. And don't pay for it unless it is court ordered that you should.

If your older child is 14 it will largely be up to them won’t it?

Yes, they are happy to see him. But I said he can see the DC's but it has to be supervised initially. Is it wrong that I am insisting to supervised contact with the DC's?

Get in touch with the service to set up the contact as you're at risk of being accused of alienation here.
14 year old may well be a little old for supervision dependent on what the risk is, good chance they'll say they don't want to do the supervised contact after a couple but get them to go just so they can make an informed decision after a couple of sessions
Block his number and stop speaking with him as he's no reason to be in contact with you, tell school he isn't to pick them up.

Ok, I will get the supervised contact in motion. I'm worried that will happen to the kids if their father knew if I was moving on, or met someone else. He occasionally asks the DC's; Where have you been? Who was mum with? In all honestly, I'm worried about them being in his care but there's nothing I can do about it.

Get some proper advice on this OP, either from someone in family law or the NSPCC

Who will be supervising the contact OP? Is it official supervision in a contact centre?

He sounds awful. My (male) dp had a similar ex who would say stuff about him not being "allowed" to move on, make hilarious "jokes" about how wasn't it funny he was trying to be in a relationship even with knowing we'd never be allowed to live together, and she is a narcissistic abuser. I genuinely don't know how you deal with it, especially in your position when the sexes are reversed and he's making comments like what he has made

The only way things got better in our situation was distance and time. You have to shut down all avenues of contact with them and not entertain them. They will try to do things when you do this though to make you react. This is so complicated in your situation though due to the supervised contact.

It's more like a third party arrangement. I'm not sure how it would look like in practice. But it probably be community base. But it's more to do with his unpredictability and don't want DC to be involved in the drama. I'm worried that he will misuse contact, gaslight them, the eldest DC is becoming more... moody in his behaviour and I'm worried about how the ex would handle it. I wanted supervised contact in place to manage this for the time being

In my situation, he makes threats to kill or hurt me if I get involved with anyone else. He wants us to be a family. I just don't know what to do.

I would be trying to discourage contact tbh. How likely are your children to be controlled by him? He’s using them to get at you.
I don’t think you should have agreed at all but as you have and the dc now want it you may need to allow it. Though his messages are reason enough to pull back the offer.
What age is the other child? Depending on ages rather than a contact centre you could take them to a busy cafe or something to meet him, if they are comfortable seeing him alone. Or have you a family member who could go with them? Don’t you go! If you do go contact centre why are you paying for it? He is the reason for this situation, let him pay and arrange it. Don’t let him control you anymore.

The 14 year old can facilitate visitation without your help OP

Supervised at 14? Is this just a few hours or a day or are we talking overnights

No more phone calls. At all. Email or text only. Tell him you will no longer be communicating by phone. After each attempted call message back to reiterate you will only be communicating by text or email.

Keep the messages - this will be evidence for inappropriate behaviour. If you agreed supervised contact this needs to be a priority. He has no right to speak to you like this or make such outrageous and threatening demands.

Speak to the police, and report it if he continues to speak to you like this.

I think you need more real life support over this.

I agree with going to the police regarding the harassment - it is worrying and it takes the justice system an age to start acting on this sort of stuff so you need to be raising it with them now and tracking everything ongoing.
Set up a separate email account just for contact with him over your DC, tell him it is the only way you will communicate with him then block him through all other avenues. If you have a friend who will do it, ask them to go through his emails before you see them and only forward the ones that actually relate to him seeing the children.

How much does your DC know about what’s happened?

Given his behaviour and your worries, I think you need a somewhat candid talk with DC if your ex is talking to them and may spend time with them. It’s hard, because obviously it needs to be age appropriate, but it sounds very much as though ex is trying to use DC to get at you and that’s something your DC needs to be aware of if he has any form of contact.

I hadn’t read your last message. He’s making threats to kill, stop all contact and contact the police. Your children are old enough to be told and understand what’s going on. You owe him nothing. Let him take you to court for contact.

OP, this is becoming a police matter. Report it. Let him take you to court for contact. It is vital that you report every single threat because court searches will bring all that up. Do not engage, do not respond. Stop trying to make this right, you can't. He's an abuser and by the sounds of it, your children will not be safe with him.

Sorry for not answering all the questions. Yes I have contacted police about this and his on an indefinite order and is not supposed to be where I am (aka DC's school). The police just tells me to contact family court but advise to let telephone contact to continue. He has been reprimanded from the police and now it's on his record- but that's about it.

There are shortages of supervised contact and we have been on a waiting list for approx 6-7 months. I have looked elsewhere but the prices are steep. I have to pay as he has not resources to public funds.

The 14 year old is vulnerable due to his learning difficulties. He is not neurotypical.

There's different types of supervised contact (i.e. third party so we arrange to bring DC's at a place and he collects them and has to bring them back to the same place for handover for 2 hours or you can have community contact). Ex cannot have the kids overnight as he is living in a hostel and children are not allowed to stay. I'm worried that DC's dad are using the kids at leverage and hence it would compromise on my safety as I mentioned below. I've already had police involved and they are aware. I'm worried that if he has the DC's freely (for now again) he will use the opportunity to try and get to me. Having supervised contact for the time being mitigates that.

@saymynameagain I'd let him take you to court personally and sort nothing, let him do it and pay. But at 14 the kids views would be taken into account too.

You don't have to pay. He wants the spending time arrangement so he pays.
If you think your children will benefit from spending time with their father, then you can help them do that but you do not have to pay for it or put yourself at risk.

Suggest he applies to the court for an order. Then leave him to it.

Report the threats to the police