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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Complaining, agressively

60 replies

minksss · 24/02/2023 11:51

Views would be good. I have an ongoing issue to do with a building opposite my house (very boring, bins related, but it is genuinely having a real impact on me and kids).

I have been emailing back and forth with them, have got no nowhere.

I mentioned this my to my slightly difficult neighbour who is heavily involved in various neighbourhood watch type things. He immediately went crazy, sent me loads of emails about how unacceptable it was.

He then sent a very aggressive, pretty embarassing, complaint to the council. Lots of big words and grandiose statements.

To be fair to him, this has got a response. They have said they would like to talk to someone directly involved, but this means adding me and my details to his original complaint. My details can be shared with the building owners apparently.

AIBU to not want to be associated with this?! I would be moritfied to have my name added to his rant (and anyone to think I approved or wrote it!), but equally stressed at the idea of offending him and his ego by submitting a seperate, reasonable complaint.

Honestly wish I'd just complained to the council myself in the first place!

OP posts:
HarlanPepper · 24/02/2023 14:29

minksss · 24/02/2023 12:05

It's like a combination of insults, bad legalese, military talk, and a KS3 "persuasive writing" task. Written in the tone of Trump.

I really wish I could see this letter! I can imagine it though because it sounds exactly like the sort of correspondence my dad used to fire out (god rest him)

Original poster
minksss · 24/02/2023 15:05

JudgeRudy · 24/02/2023 14:00

You don't need to 'add your name' as if the email was from you. Why don't you just email the council separately with your 'statement of events'. You could even call first to ask if they're looking for further info.
If what you're saying though is you don't wish to be seen to have made a formal complaint I feel you are being unreasonable. You've spoken with the 'offenders' and it isn't resolved. If your confident your complaint/request is reasonable then take it to the next level...or acceptbitxand don't moan to busy body neighbours

I was cc-ed into correspondance by neighbour. Lady from the council asked if I could be added to his complaint as a named person, which led to this panicked thread.

This includes agreeing to the declaration (paraphrasing)
-we may need to give details of the case, including your details, to the person responsible
-if we take this forward for prosecution, we may need to share these details with the police and for you to give evidence in court

Totally happy to take my complaint to the "next level", but don't want to be associated with his rant, especially when it sounds like there is a possibility of it becoming publicly available.

OP posts:
Original poster
minksss · 24/02/2023 15:08

15feb · 24/02/2023 13:42

I agree, tell him it'll strengthen your case with 2 separate complaints.

Show quote history

Thanks to everyone who suggested this! I emailed the woman confirming I'd be happy to speak with them further but would prefer to submit an independent complaint and had done that through the website link.

Told neighbour this, and also lots of thank yous for getting the ball rolling etc

OP posts:
Original poster
minksss · 24/02/2023 15:10

I think you can do what @Americansmoothy said but also include something like "I've been told by my neighbour that he's been in touch with you, not sure how it went but here are the details you will need".

I would want to explicitly de-link myself from it, especially if it's racist, explicitly classist, etc, or it may go viral online.

@15feb Definitely!

I can just see the daily mail picking it up "local mum goes to WAR about bins".

I'm a TA for kids including those with learning disabilities and developmental delay, which makes me especially concerned about being linked with some of the terms he's used which I never would.

OP posts:
Chickenly · 24/02/2023 15:24

minksss · 24/02/2023 12:45

They’re doing something you don’t like and have no interest in stopping whilst you ask them politely and they ignore you. You spoke to someone who knows how to get things done. The reason you don’t like the way they’ve spoken is the same reason that it’ll actually work. Your way wasn’t working. Their complaint won’t be popular because it won’t be ignored, your complaint is popular because they can ignore you.

To be clear, I have been speaking to the people directly (which has been ignored).

My neighbour has not spoken to them.

He has gone directly to the council with the crazy rant. I am pretty sure they would have had the same response to me if I had submitted a normal sounded complaint!

But you didn’t.

Original poster
minksss · 24/02/2023 15:35

Chickenly · 24/02/2023 15:24

But you didn’t.

Show quote history

No I didn't, but if neighbour had mentioned this as an option (rather than doing it for me), this situation would not have happened.

I have now submitted my own report to the council, so alls well that ends well.

OP posts:
Original poster
minksss · 24/02/2023 16:16

Good grief, I've just got a response from neighbour.

"Send your reply to me"

OP posts:
Original poster
minksss · 24/02/2023 16:21

minksss · 24/02/2023 16:16

Good grief, I've just got a response from neighbour.

"Send your reply to me"

MN-ers, I am panicking because I used wording in my message basically saying I would prefer to submit a different report which he's clearly going to go mad about.

OP posts:
rothbury · 24/02/2023 16:24

Tell him you’ve already submitted it but you echoed his concerns…

tattygrl · 24/02/2023 16:25

minksss · 24/02/2023 16:21

MN-ers, I am panicking because I used wording in my message basically saying I would prefer to submit a different report which he's clearly going to go mad about.

Show quote history

Take a breath, remember: you don't have to engage with him.

For all he knows you're now preparing to cook tea, on a phone call with someone else, sorting your kids out, etc. Don't reply if you don't want to. He doesn't have any right or reason to demand you send him things, nor do anything!

He's clearly very invested in this now and considers himself part of the whole thing; well, fine. Doesn't mean you have to change your perspective and actions. Leave him to crack on.

Sparklfairy · 24/02/2023 16:28

minksss · 24/02/2023 16:21

MN-ers, I am panicking because I used wording in my message basically saying I would prefer to submit a different report which he's clearly going to go mad about.

Show quote history

Just ask him why. I'd love to draw out his entitled reasoning.

He didn't give you the courtesy of letting you look over his letter, so has no right to see yours. Can you just politely bat him away all the time? 'Thanks for your help, it's being handled now' 'No, you're okay, it's all in hand' etc?

GoodChat · 24/02/2023 16:30

Do you want it dealt with or not?

Original poster
minksss · 24/02/2023 16:32

GoodChat · 24/02/2023 16:30

Do you want it dealt with or not?

As I've said, yes of course I want it dealt with, however I'm happy to to do this myself via the council, which is why I submitted a report!

What I don't want, is to be associated with a report using offensive language, which can provided to the building owners, shared with police, and made publicly available.

Obviously people will have different opinions on this, but I don't want to add my name to his rant and tick this declaration I mentioned previously.

OP posts:
Original poster
minksss · 24/02/2023 16:33

Sparklfairy · 24/02/2023 16:28

Just ask him why. I'd love to draw out his entitled reasoning.

He didn't give you the courtesy of letting you look over his letter, so has no right to see yours. Can you just politely bat him away all the time? 'Thanks for your help, it's being handled now' 'No, you're okay, it's all in hand' etc?

Show quote history

Thank you this is good advice! From the tone of his message he's definitely taken offence.

I'm using lots of smiley emojis and thanks!!

OP posts:
tattygrl · 24/02/2023 16:33

Just let the situation (with this awkward neighbour) fizzle out, OP. If you stop replying, or only reply with wishy washy responses, it'll fade out. You don't have to do what he says.

GoodChat · 24/02/2023 16:35

@minksss that declaration is to protect themselves - they probably won't need to share your details, and your report didn't get a response

Original poster
minksss · 24/02/2023 16:38

GoodChat · 24/02/2023 16:35

@minksss that declaration is to protect themselves - they probably won't need to share your details, and your report didn't get a response

Please read the OP again....

OP posts:
GoodChat · 24/02/2023 16:48

@minksss ok your emails didn't get a resolution. Better?

Suzi888 · 24/02/2023 16:51

minksss · 24/02/2023 12:05

It's like a combination of insults, bad legalese, military talk, and a KS3 "persuasive writing" task. Written in the tone of Trump.

🫣🤣

Thank your neighbour and write your own complaint / email. It’s done now, you can’t apologise on behalf of your neighbour.

Original poster
minksss · 24/02/2023 16:53

GoodChat · 24/02/2023 16:48

@minksss ok your emails didn't get a resolution. Better?

Well that's what happened!

My report to the council has already had a response, so as I said, alls well that ends well.

OP posts:
Original poster
minksss · 24/02/2023 16:55

Well, apart from the neighbour being incredibly stressful.

OP posts:
Luoisa · 24/02/2023 16:57

Just reply and say yeah no worries ill forward it on to you.

And then when he asks again in a few days just say thanks so much for everything it's all dealt with now, so I'm going to leave it there.
No one can force you to email it, he sounds like a tit.

Whatwaswrongwiththatusername · 24/02/2023 21:08

@minksss "Good grief, I've just got a response from neighbour.

"Send your reply to me"

Didn't you accidentally drop it in the 'bin' whilst absentmindedly meaning to move from sent folder to a separate 'correspondence' folder?? 🤔😄

Original poster
minksss · 25/02/2023 12:01

Whatwaswrongwiththatusername · 24/02/2023 21:08

@minksss "Good grief, I've just got a response from neighbour.

"Send your reply to me"

Didn't you accidentally drop it in the 'bin' whilst absentmindedly meaning to move from sent folder to a separate 'correspondence' folder?? 🤔😄

Grin

I told him I thought I had, silly me so bad with technology. Then no more replies.

He called me, which I didn't pick up as was doing tea/bedtime etc. I think he's properly aggravated.

But nothing to stop him progressing his own (ranty) complaint too!

OP posts:
pictoosh · 25/02/2023 12:34

“I told him I thought I had”

Why did you say that? It’s a lie AND I concedes some sort of obligation to him.

”No need, I’ve chosen to submit my own report…but thank you for your help. Have a great weekend.“