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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Consent and nakedness

33 replies

coombsy83 · 24/02/2023 10:36

Hi

My baby's father and I have been through an awful time the last year. Finally I've stood up to him (we don't live together) and went through CMS for payments as he wasn't paying and I thought the narcissist in him would leave but instead, me showing he couldn't control me broke him down a little. He's been having CBT for the past 6 weeks and continuing.

While I haven't put a label on whatever it is that's going on, I do still love him and I told him I'll support him in ways I can while he's receiving CBT, as I need him to be a handy good Dad for our baby. We've been spending time together, we've kissed and it feels quite coupley.

However, I'm very aware that this is a man that has left me after receiving a letter about payments, he's used personal information about me that I've told him in the past, and brought them up in arguments against me.

So I'm feeling very protected and I'm not comfortable having sex with him yet. I'm just happy spending time with him. I'm also a couple of sizes bigger than I was pre pregnancy so I'm feeling like the only person I'd want to see me naked right now is someone I trust fully.

I've returned to education as a mature student so because I have the baby i also have Universal credit - this is something he's thrown at me in an argument as a negative about me. Now it sounds silly but I don't feel safe (I don't mean physically - he's not someone that would ever raise a hand) but I mean that I'm safe to be naked around him as he uses the things he knows are my insecurities (eg being in UC bugs me) and throws those insecurities at me in an argument so I'm worried that he'll see I look different still and throw that at me too.

So I told him that right now I'm happy being in my little bubble under my clothes and that nobody can see me naked right now, not to mention I don't want to sleep with anyone that is unpredictable and I think may leave the next second if there's something he's not happy with.

His response is to say that how can we rebuild anything without sleeping together? I feel he has a point in some way as it builds intimacy.

AIBU to expect him to wait while we rebuild some trust?

I mean I don't even know if we will be able to get back together fully and rebuild what we had, but while we try, right now I'm just not ready to have sex with him. Am I being unfair?

OP posts:
DowntonCrabby · 24/02/2023 10:38

You deserve better than this OP. Flowers

Springintoabetterlife · 24/02/2023 10:40

People break up because their relationship is broken. Do you want a broken relationship?

Eastereggsboxedupready · 24/02/2023 10:41

He wants sex. He didn't want to provide for his dc did he? He won't respect your choice to not sleep with him. He needs dumped op. When you meet someone worthy of you then being naked will feel right. Claiming benefits is nothing to be ashamed of. They help people like you stay away from men like him.
Surely that's good?

Whataretheodds · 24/02/2023 11:00

His behaviour is deeply unattractive. Why would you want to rebuild a relationship with him?

You can coparent amicably without having a physical relationship with each other. Possibly better!

Imagine your child had written this about their relationship. What would you tell them?

TabooOfNoSex · 24/02/2023 11:06

YANBU.

I often have found that men use the ’intimacy’ as an excuse to get laid.
They don’t actually give a shit about any intimacy. It’s just a manipulation tactic.
Kind of like there are men who say their love language is touch, and by that they mean sex🙄
Even though the author said it has nothi g to do with sex.

picklemewalnuts · 24/02/2023 11:07

What kind of man wants to have sex with someone who has said they don't want to?

Think about it.

Rumplestrumpet · 24/02/2023 11:10

It's not up to you to let your guards down in the hope it will build intimacy. Its up to him to behave in a way that shows you can trust him. He is not doing this - quite the opposite, so I would suggest you should be putting more guards up, not letting them down.

Original poster
coombsy83 · 24/02/2023 11:12

@Rumplestrumpet I've said this too. His response is there's no compromise from me? That it's all my way?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 24/02/2023 11:16

coombsy83 · 24/02/2023 11:12

@Rumplestrumpet I've said this too. His response is there's no compromise from me? That it's all my way?

And I’d say ‘Yes, for now it is all my way. It’s up to you if you want to stay and try to change that, so that I feel like I trust you enough to move forward. If you don’t, that’s your choice.’

And mean it.

Saffronpotatoes67 · 24/02/2023 11:16

I think many men do equate sex with intimacy as it happens BUT your boundary is your boundary op. I think it’s a very sensible one too - only to have sex with someone you trust - so what he thinks about that is up to him. He can take it or leave it. Sex involves vulnerability and you you are sensible to protect yourself. A boundary is something that’s about you alone.

Original poster
coombsy83 · 24/02/2023 11:19

@NoSquirrels thank you. I said to him yesterday it sounds like he's got some decisions to make. I guess I just thought I'd check if I was going to lose a relationship for something I could be preventing somehow.

OP posts:
SalviaOfficinalis · 24/02/2023 11:19

He‘d be happy to have sex with you, knowing that you don’t really want to and aren’t comfortable. That’s really awful OP.

You deserve so much better.

You know yourself that he’s controlling, CBT isn’t going to change that.

Being alone is much better than being in a bad relationship. Don’t let your child grow up seeing you being treated like this.

Saffronpotatoes67 · 24/02/2023 11:19

He doesn’t sound like a kind person though so if he doesn’t accept your boundary I don’t think he would be a great loss tbh! You and your dc deserve better!

Original poster
coombsy83 · 24/02/2023 11:22

Saffronpotatoes67 · 24/02/2023 11:16

I think many men do equate sex with intimacy as it happens BUT your boundary is your boundary op. I think it’s a very sensible one too - only to have sex with someone you trust - so what he thinks about that is up to him. He can take it or leave it. Sex involves vulnerability and you you are sensible to protect yourself. A boundary is something that’s about you alone.

This.

I've also worked with a counsellor through college because of the stress he was putting me under, and she helped me identify my need for better boundaries. So I guess I'm checking myself if I should be proud to implement this boundary as it does make me feel calm and safe, or if I was just being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Ofcourseshecan · 24/02/2023 11:23

He just wants sex. He isn’t kind, loving, committed or even capable of treating you with normal courtesy. When you trust him, he uses this against you. He doesn’t want to support his child.

Why the hell should you ‘compromise’ with that? You and DC deserve better, and he will never change so radically.

Original poster
coombsy83 · 24/02/2023 11:23

He claims that he can't rebuild this relationship being so unhappy and our lack of sex contributes massively to this.

OP posts:
Whatatimetobealivetoday · 24/02/2023 11:24

If you are smart enough to return to education as a mature student, you are smart enough to drop this guy like a hot potato.

You wouldn’t need to question what you’re questioning in a normal, healthy relationship.

Women need to learn it’s better to be alone than with this shit level of disrespect.

Think of your child and what you’d want to them from a partner in the future??? Or a role model?

Emmamoo89 · 24/02/2023 11:24

You deserve better ❤️

Saffronpotatoes67 · 24/02/2023 11:24

YANBU op. Stay strong!

Aquamarine1029 · 24/02/2023 11:24

You need therapy to figure out why you'd even consider being with this shitbag of a man.

Soapnotshowergel · 24/02/2023 11:24

The problem here is not your body, it's your standards. Why would you want to have sex with someone who treats you so poorly?!

He can be a good dad but that involves paying his share, modeling positive behaviour and respecting the mother of his child. He is currently doing none of those things.

NoSquirrels · 24/02/2023 11:25

coombsy83 · 24/02/2023 11:19

@NoSquirrels thank you. I said to him yesterday it sounds like he's got some decisions to make. I guess I just thought I'd check if I was going to lose a relationship for something I could be preventing somehow.

It doesn’t sound like a mutually supportive relationship. So you wouldn’t be losing anything as it stands at present. Perhaps he can change (though I’d be extremely doubtful and from the outside looking in I’d advise you to waste no more of your precious life on him). If he changes is up to him. You’re doing the right thing.

NoSquirrels · 24/02/2023 11:26

coombsy83 · 24/02/2023 11:23

He claims that he can't rebuild this relationship being so unhappy and our lack of sex contributes massively to this.

That’s his choice, then. It’s not your responsibility to have sex to make I’m happy. It’s so obvious written down, isn’t it?

Merlott · 24/02/2023 11:27

I'm so confused as to why you would want a relationship with this person.

Can you look into counselling for yourself, to unpack why you seem to think an abuser is a good choice of partner?

Original poster
coombsy83 · 24/02/2023 11:36

@NoSquirrels you're right.

I think I'm just trying to find my feet with these new found boundaries of mine and I'm checking myself.

Thank you

OP posts:
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