Parents tracking their children

[intrestedvic]

I am always reading on threads how people know where their children are due to apple air tags or, apps, or location sharing on a phone.

Not just on mumsnet but in my circle I know lots of parents who use maps or share location with children.

I am a parent to small children currently but I was wondering opinions on this situation. If you track your children and why and if not why not?

The argument that because you can do something and people do do it then you should do it is a heck of a slippery slope.

I'm not a fan of it at all – I understand why it's a handy tool for not having to communicate, but the general social narrative of having the right to know where people are and what they're doing at all times feels unhealthy to me.

And frankly, I think teaching and encouraging communication in any and all forms is really important, especially with teens – even when it's not 'the most convenient' option. I'm glad I learned (through plenty of trial and error!) to think about how my parents might be feeling and send them a text when I arrived somewhere, or consider the impact of ignoring a message about my plans for the day.

I don't think people who use it are wrong or bad for doing so, but it's not something I'd do.

We're all on Life 360. My young adult sons are happy to be included because I asked them if they wanted to be. They can see where I am when I give them lifts.

everyone in my family has the “find my” app. Me, dh, 2 teens, my mum. It’s used when needed. If I’m picking kids up from somewhere they can track where I am. If i want to know how far away dh is, then I’ll track him. If I want to find my kids I’ll track them. We use the app on a daily basis to ping someone’s phone that they perhaps let slide down a sofa cushion etc. There is no lack of trust. It’s practical. I can see that in the hands of a controlling or abusive person, that this would be terrifying.

to avoid being tracked, all you need to do is put the phone in air plane mode quickly - just one toggle.

My DD doesn't even take her phone to school.. doesnt see the point as they have to be turned off.

I wonder if this is setting up our kids to accept coercive control by an abusive partner.. making being tracked normal. I hate when DH calls me a few minutes after I got home as he's seen me arrive on the security camera, the main use of which is to protect his motorbike!

My 3 DC are all in their 20s now but no wouldn't and didn't track them, nor did I check their phones as I didn't give them one until they were old enough to be trusted.
Did they fib where they were at some points im 100% sure they did. They knew they could always call me if they needed me.
I think its a huge invasion of their privacy. I survived without my parents knowing where I was 24/7 and so have they.

10yo has an apple phone & watch we track. We also have a couple of air tags but don’t really use those atm. We’ve just started to let her go places on her own/with friends so it’s for us to know she’s where she’s supposed to be. She knows and feels safe we can track her. We will keep it up as long necessary.

I suppose it comes down to being open and trust. Our DD knows we track her and also check her phone, it’s all very new to her. We’ve told her we will continue to do these things for as long as we feel we need to. When the point comes for her to push back we will reassess the situation based on the facts at the time. I’m guessing my compromise would be we only track her if she’s not home on time, but we will see.

i think it also comes down to individual children. My DD is nowhere as “street smart” as I was at her age like many kids these days she’s had a far more sheltered life and dosnt necessarily have the right instincts if she was to find herself in a dangerous situation. My friends DD was given some freedom in Yr6 like my DD, she was allowed to walk home from school, another girl joined her and convinced her to take a detour, when my friend checked where she was her dd wasn’t walking home so drove to find her, she found her and her friend chatting to some men on a building site, my friends dd was stood back all awkward not knowing what to do, she didn’t feel confident enough to tell the other girl they needed to go and was intimidated by the men. Needless to say my friend knew exactly what to say to perverts chatting up 10yo girls.

“My DD is nowhere as “street smart” as I was at her age”

But don’t you see this is a self-fulfilling prophecy? If kids are constantly given the message that they’re too helpless to cope with situations on their own, mum and dad need to track them so they can swoop in and save them from all these (honestly largely imaginary) lurking dangers, they’ll never be street smart. Surely it’s better to teach them the tools they need to go about the world safely themselves?

Please can you tell me what your brother uses. This could be very useful for my dd. This would be far better for her than the agreement we have so far. She needs something she can activate fast, before she has a seizure. Hers are cardiological so I haven’t heard of this.

I have mixed feelings. My hope is that I'd be able to trust my kids to be where they tell me they were going to be. I know there's a "crime" element but I think if they were going to be kidnapped, the kidnapper would chuck the phone/AirTag/watch away anyway in which case what's the use?!
On one hand, some of my friends say "they're under 18, therefore they're my responsibility to make sure they're safe" which I can appreciate.
On the other, I see some people use it as a way to control their kids further and it sits very badly with me. There's also issues of consent - my friend is a 6th form teacher and often has girls coming to her crying because their dads have hidden an AirTag in their cars without telling them (unbeknownst to the dads that the girls get a notification on their phones!) It's really dark imho.

Just to say as well, a lot of my colleagues follow their ageing parents on these apps. I can understand it if they're suffering from early dementia, but in most cases it's just controlling.

I have my DC 12 on find my iPhone but likewise I also share my location with him. I often just text or ring to see where he is but it’s good if he forgets to text or doesn’t pick up. He knows I have this facility and the reasons why. It’s not to check up on him, it’s for peace of mind and also if anything happened. He doesn’t have a problem with it because I only know his location and not what he’s up to. As he gets older and he tells me he doesn’t want me to know then that’s fine I won’t.

I have the 'find my' on my iPhone but it's linked to my dd. She's yr7 and does the walk to and from school (45min) I checked in on her in the first week.

Now I only bother to look when she rings me asking for me to wait for her when I'm on school run "I'm only round the corner from the junior school" I check to see if she is where she said she is or if she's just walking out the school gate.

I have a tracker for my dd. It’s extremely useful to know when to get in the car and pick her up from the school bus. It was also useful to check where she was when out and about when younger as tweens don’t always have the best decision making skills.

Now dd is 14, I occasionally glance at it but nothing more as she’s pretty responsible. As she gets older, she will have the option to remove me but with having a medical condition, it’s good to know where she is, so I’d rather she chooses not to. I also think it’s useful if she gets in a sticky situation or in trouble with a boy.

Dh is also on the app. I track him at the end of the day so that food is ready or to ensure he’s going to be home in time to take dd to an activity or if he’s stuck in traffic. Saves phone calls and interrupting him. If used respectfully, I don’t think it’s a big deal.

I run and like the idea of DP being able to track me if something happens. If I’m not back by the time I say I will be he checks it or if I am doing a race he checks it and sends encouragement but otherwise doesn’t. I wouldn’t care if he did though. I once went out and in the taxi home text him saying I felt uncomfortable and he tracked me home too, sometimes if I’m walking home alone I let him know and he has it there too

You're going to have a yes and no camp and everyone has their own reasons that suit their own circumstances. No one should be judging others. If those concerned are fine with the situation it shouldn't bother anyone else. It's when it's not fine it can be an issue.

As an apple family we have find your iPhone app and can see each others locations. These are the main circumstances we use it:

• to see how far away one is from being picked up
• to navigate to pick one up
• to judge time on how far away one is to have dinner ready
• to see youngest who is exploring independence has arrived safely without calling/texting them
• eldest to see if on way home or gone on elsewhere (I don't care either way) and judge if I can take longer myself.
• when on a day out and we've split up for a bit and navigate getting back together
• kids use it a lot to track where I am to get lifts!

My kids have freedoms and know that I encourage that. Not come across any serious issues ...as yet!

I have family link on my youngest's phone. I rarely use it. I don't see a need to. If he's out with friends then he can go where he pleases.

The only time I've used it is the odd time he's coming home from college to see if he's nearly home to get dinner ready in time for him to then go to one of his evening clubs. (He gets a bus as his college is quite a way, and he's usually too busy chatting to friends to look at my messages)

There’s an air tag in my youngest son’s coat. He is autistic, and in the event of a crisis between home and school (an eight minute walk) I’d like to be able to figure out where he’s got to. I’ve not had cause to use it yet - as I’ve not had calls from school with a no-show and he is always home in good time, but it’s there as a precaution. He knows it’s there, and is fine with it.

The other two children don’t have tags. One is at uni and working, living her life as best she can. The other is not independent at all, and is either at school or at home so doesn’t warrant that sort of safety net at the moment.

I don’t track family or partner , seem to be in a minority on MN! 14 year old has a phone and texts ne to say he’ll be late or needs picking up or whatever . I think the tracking is invasive and when does it stop? I would be appalled if I was being tracked by my partner. I know we all leave a digital footprint. But not direct tracking no way. I value my privacy more than than the unlikely chance of attack

Mine all had a tracking app on their phones because they rode horses. It was non negotiable. Two of them have now left home for uni and still have the app and still belong to the family group! They are at liberty to delete it but they have kept it - it's quite useful to see where they are / where I am when coming to visit or picking up for anything. I barely look at it these days tbf just for the two left at home who ride. The students are more likely to look at it and text the group chat to ask what I'm doing in London etc 😅

I am on 2 different tracking apps. One is with my Dh and Ds (adult). The other is with my Dh Dd (adult) and Gc. It is not about control but convenience for all of us. Very useful when people work odd hours and don’t have to worry about phoning all the time to say if they are going to be late etc. it helps me knowing roughly what time to have meals ready

My Dd is often driving a Horsebox or hacking out on her own so again timings are easier. I pick my Gc up from school or her friends a few times a week and it helps that we can both see each others location

It depends how and why the tracking is used

I use family link so can see where my older two are (12 and 15). I don't see it as tracking for snooping purposes more for safety to check they have got somewhere ok. They get the bus to school so I check that they are moving so I can relax that the bus has turned up (has a habit of not) or sometimes, particularly my older daughter who has adhd and can get panicky if she is going somewhere new, I can see where she is and give her directions back to her nearest bus stop or something. Not sure how long I will keep doing it for, they feel comfort in me being able to see where they are too so I guess I will leave it up to them to decide when they no longer want me knowing

I totally agree. It has its place for school ages children. In my opinion it certainly doesn’t for adults

I have a tracker on my 13 year olds phone, but not my 16 year olds. They are at school in the next big town which is a 35 minute car journey away. The tracker puts my mind at ease, and lets me know if the youngest is on the train. It would help to know where my eldest is too, but he said no he doesn't want to be tracked, and I respect that.

It's like any technology, if its used properly and with consent its a mutually useful tool. If its in the hands of a jealous or controlling partner, a controlling or over anxious parent, then its a weapon. For the majority of us its a useful tool used with consent, and I would go as far as to say its a vital lifeline if you have a rural lifestyle.

We have Find My Phone on, so I think I can check where everyone is if I want to, but it would never occur to me to do that unless one of them went missing. We just use it to literally find our phones, when they're somewhere in the house but we can't locate them.

I don't like the idea of tracking my DC; they're too young to go anywhere alone anyway, but even when they're older I just don't like the idea (unless there was a medical issue, like epilepsy as someone mentioned above, where they might be prone to collapse or something - even then I'd rather just make sure there was always someone around them).

Are we stopping kids having some of those fun exciting experiences we had as teenagers? Being somewhere you probably shouldn't be is part of growing up. I do understand the safety element but how do they learn to be independent?