Private School, Grammar School, State School…AIBU

[Peanutbab]

I am in the midst of getting my DC enrolled in 11+ tutoring and have just came to a sad conclusion regarding my parents management of my own education.

My sister who is 4 years my senior went to private school from 11-16.
I have vidid memories of my brother who is 2 years my senior having in-home tutoring and attending 11+ tutoring classes, along with my parents sitting down and helping him with homework frequently - pre 11+ and in the run up to the exam (he did not achieve the needed grades and ultimately went to a state school).

Then I think of myself and it’s all blank… I honestly can not remember my parents even sitting me down to work through my homework, no talk of 11+ despite me being more than able. I just ended up going to the same school as my brother despite there probably being better schools much closer to home.

My parents divorced around the time my brother started secondary education so there would have been that stress but my mother was extremely involved and dedicated to my brother’s 11+ prep.

AIBU to think they felt obligated to educate their 1st born to a high standard, along with their 1st born son and then could not be bothered with me?

(FYI my mother is patriarchal maybe a little misogynistic, everything she has done and upheld in our- her children’s lives - has proven this.
The sad/funny thing is I have surpassed both my siblings and parents career wise with very little to no help from my parents. I feel so saddened by this.)

I think you are proof private education means nothing these days as such. I know many people who went through state secondary school who have very successful careers including Dr’s and so on.
I understand it might be hurtful to think back like this but evidently you didn’t need the tutoring. You’ve got this, successfully too :-)

@Fifops your right, I think it’s just because it is another thing to add to a very long list.

*you’re

Isn’t the most likely answer that they divorced and ran out of money?

No my dad took his savings and moved abroad and my mother went on to buy 2 houses.

Pretty sure divorced parents / single parents still take an interest in their children’s education and help with homework.

I think it's more that you're the third child and they were getting divorced. A lot of third children the parents are just tired and realize this stuff doesn't really matter

They probably realised the hothousing wasn't worth it, learnt from their mistakes, and let you be a child.

Perhaps there was a valid reason? Are you able to ask? Did your parents pay for the private school? I went to a private school but only because there were government assisted places back then. My parents would not have been able to afford to send me. The following year the government abolished assisted places, mine was secure until I left the school but there were no more after that year group and it has never been reintroduced. Doesn't really explain the grammar school unless it's to do with primary school's automatically putting children in the catchment area in for the exam. They stopped doing this and parents had to opt for it. Either that or maybe your brother suffered because of the exam process, maybe the disappointment of not passing affected him and they didn't want that to happen to you. They were clearly happy with the education provided at your brother's school and rightly so it would seem if you have been successful.

my first thought would be family finances, change in dynamics and possibly a review of the perceived advantage.
and yes maybe a bit exhausted and tired of the “work”.

The way I parented my first and my third are worlds apart. I was such a twat lol.
First had every educational toy going, swimming from 3 months, gymboree, every class going, educational magazines etc. 11 years between them and the third one bangs empty plastic bottles together and stacks the empty amazon boxes
Eldest started schooling off in the local infant school, we lived in a TINY cottage and camped for holidays. Third will start pre-prep and we live in our forever home and she has much nicer surroundings. This is purely because our financial circumstances have changed a lot, not because I loved him less.

As a prev poster said, maybe your mum just knew better by the time you came along?

It could be after all the effort of your brother then not passing they didn’t want to bother you? Your brother and parents could have found it quite stressful to do the 11+….or realised they couldn’t run around anbd have you in different schools…. And they might not have liked your sisters school.
Maybe ask why if you really want to know?
otherwise doesn’t sound like it did you any harm!

Or perhaps they had not seen a return for their efforts and their money.

All schools, state and otherwise go through good patches and bad patches. It doesn't matter how a school is financed, more important is if the teaching is good, and does the school fit the child's personality and abilities? Were you happy at school? You clearly achieved your potential.

You don't say how long ago this was, but I think there used to be a lot more effort put into schooling for boys than for girls. I'm retirement age and remember my df pushing my db to go to university but positively discouraging his daughters to do the same.

I think nobody can say for sure. What is likely, however, is that you came to this conclusion that you're less loved/cared for (at least in some ways) than the other two, because of a good build up of other things.

If you had felt really loved, valued and cherished, I am not sure you'd have come to the conclusion you did. As you can see, people have suggested quite a few other options, so there must be a reason why you came to yours.

I can’t ask unfortunately as I am NC with my family.

@Housefullofcatsandkids my sister would have been in private school roughly 20 years ago. I remember the fee at the time was approximately £10k per year, there could have been assistance but I do know my parents paid quite a bit. I didn’t actually know there was government support previously. When was it phased out?

Yes maybe my parents were tired and came to think it was not worthwhile. However I wanted to go to a local girls school and remember be so headstrong about it. I remember screaming and crying when I got placed into my brother’s school and being distraught for a very long time. I enjoyed the first year of that school until some issues with a boys and I ended up moving (really I was forced out by the HT) to the same girls school I initially wanted to go to.

@MintJulia you are the only who has picked up on what I thought. I think they felt obligated with my sister as she was the first born and my brother because he was a boy.

I did not try hard in secondary education at all but managed to get ok grades. In sixth form it was the same thing until my very last exams when I tried extremely hard (only really because I fell pregnant and didn’t want to be a failure). My ability was only realised in further education at university which my parents had no involvement in. I always felt they did not care and can’t get over that. With my mother she seemed annoyed I did well, almost envious. My farther I was NC with many years ago and when we spoke a few years back, he sounded shocked I had done well based on what my brother had told him.

20 years ago women worked and completed further education so why would daughters be discouraged ? Maybe many years ago that would be fair but I can’t see that as the case in the 2000’s.

The thing is, when you were treated badly and felt unloved,ignored,not cared for a lot of things will be seen through that lens ,because every incident adds up and just compounds those feelings. However, those same thing will not seem like a big deal or easily explainable /excused by people that had normal,healthy , loving relationships with their parents.

If I posted I'm still upset now (at nearly 40) over a shit Christmas present, I'd have my arse handed to me . But it was just one thing in a string of neglect,abuse and being made to feel like fifth best ,despite being an only child , my whole life.

@Peanutbab

20 years ago women worked and completed further education so why would daughters be discouraged ? Maybe many years ago that would be fair but I can’t see that as the case in the 2000’s.

Yes, true, but OP didn't say how old she is. I'm late 50s, I studied in the early 80s and at the time, the majority of students were still male. Certainly it was levelling up but still had some way to go.

And if OP's father was an older dad, he may have held quite dated views, as mine did.

@Peanutbab ah I see, that does seem so strange that they would only pay for private education for one of their children. If you can't afford to send all three then don't send any surely?! It also seems like your wishes were completely ignored which is sad.
The government assisted place scheme ended in 1997. I started high school in September 1996. Private schools offered a varying number of places. I think in my school it was 20% of places that were assisted places which was quite high. The pass mark for the assisted places was higher. Some schools had less places than others, I think another school I looked around only offered 5 places. Doesn't sound like this was the case with your sister though as there would have been 0 fees to pay while she was there. Some schools offer bursaries where you may have to pay part fees but it's still expensive and again surely you would do that for them all!

@JustAnotherManicNameChange very much so and well put, everything they could have done / could have done better is tainted, I am sorry you were mistreated. When I last spoke to my dad I asked if he thought he did a good job parenting me and my siblings as I thought poorly of many aspects of our up bringing (especially emotional support and actually getting to know me) and he sad ‘Yes, don’t you remember me bouncing you on my knee and taking you to swimming and school’ that summed it up for me.

@MintJulia I am OP, I think as I have mentioned above because I am looking through a tainted lense I probably have not considered some other factors, such as my dad being older and having dated views. However my sister was not subjected to those dated views as they put her through private school, my sister and brother are only 2 years apart. If the above was the case they would have put the funds towards private education for my brother. Despite this I think the dated views my dad had did play a part.

@Housefullofcatsandkids I am just about to turn 30. My parents definitely did not benefit from government support based on it being phased out years earlier, as my sister wound have started in private education in 2003/4. And I agree if they could not send us all down that route why select just one to go.

I think for each extra child it would be less time, less money. I know a couple of families like that. The first child gets a lot of attention and any spare money, the second a little less and by the third it’s even less. Could it be something like that? By the time it was ‘your turn’ there was nothing left.

I was privately educated, my brother wasn't. He's 8 years younger and in the 1990s (when he would have been off to school) farming incomes had dropped dramatically and parents couldn't afford it.

There are no hard feelings. Personally I don't think private education is all it's cracked up to be.

OP you can get all bitter and analyse forever more, or you can just get on and live your life. My family are all a bit selfish at times, but I just smile and nod, and keep my distance, rather than have it out with them all. It means we are not non communicative but not in each others pockets either. Much happier this way.

@Peanutbab are you a parent?
because treating kids equally is not treating them the same. Different children different times different circumstances means a different approach each time.
I can see why you’d follow and go to your brothers school makes sense really especially if you couldn’t go to the same school as your sister.

Did you sister go to a state school at 16? Did you start secondary after this time ? If so isn't it possible that they moved her because they couldn't afford for you and her to go private?

Also is it a selective school? Sometimes people pick private for pastoral reasons like smaller classes.

There's obviously more going on here for you but if this was just the literal facts...

I think they probably learnt that all the stressing and extra tutoring and depressing the hell out of their kid for the sake of prestige at school is not worth it. Clever kids do well anywhere.

The 11 plus should just be sat with no prep, otherwise it's unfair, swayed towards those with better finances and seems pointless...kids are trained like monkeys to sit exams. I just want my kid to be happy and a kid!

I asked my parents one day why they had so many pictures of my sister as a baby and hardly any of me. Apparently it was because it all got a bit boring after the first one.

Looking back on it there were a fair few advantages and disadvantages to being the youngest.

I don't lose any sleep over it.