Has your life ever been a mess for ages following a bereavement?

[fourikeachairs]

Really trying to stop this happening to me again. I lost a parent in my mid twenties and honestly my life was really messy and chaotic for about 4 years. I was still at uni when it happened as due to my own difficult and overwhelming health issues, I was very part time. The bereavement set me back more, my shaky mental health really tanked on top of physical serious issues.

I keep looking back with a degree of shame but at the same time I'm not very clear how I could have been more successful and productive during those following years.

It seems like mostly, deeply bereaved people I read about get their shit together after a month or so being signed off, and are able to concentrate on their career (for example) and it spurs them on to excel. Like the polar opposite of me.

I honestly feel my grief derailed me massively.

My second parent has now died and it is like walking in treacle. I have no energy and am having panic attacks over the silliest of things - for example, I seem to get overwhelmed by having to think of multiple things at once, and feel panicky in the car (as a passenger!) even though I have zero fear of cars and just want to stay curled up on my sofa.

However I really cannot afford to let my life be derailed for years this time in my 30s or I will never make anything of my career?

I'm trying to focus on all the major advantages I have this time around - a much more stable life with a great partner, much more stable health even though it is still challenging, a decade of life experience and the maturity that comes with that.

Am I particularly pathetic to have been so thrown or is this part of the 'normal' spectrum of bereavement, whatever normal is?

We're all different. Took me a good four years after second parent dying to feel a bit more normal.
It's still hard 💐

No advice I’m afraid but watching with interest as I struggle for years too. Others I know seem to get in with things while I fall to pieces.

You're not pathetic and there is no wrong or right way to grief.

Be very kind to yourself OP.
Very sorry for the loss you've suffered.

I’m sorry for your loss 💐

I don’t think it’s an unusual reaction at all. I think we all handle grief differently but I know that I’m struggling (my dad died a couple of months ago) so you’re definitely not alone. I think a lot of people put on a brave face to the world but often feel bereft following a loss xx I hope you’re ok

It seems like mostly, deeply bereaved people I read about get their shit together after a month or so being signed off, and are able to concentrate on their career (for example) and it spurs them on to excel. Like the polar opposite of me.

Some people concentrate on work to distract themselves. My dad did this when my mum died as his job kept him going. The routine, the stability, the distraction. He went back to work full time after 3 weeks and didn't really process her death until he retired and then really struggled. Just because someone looks like they are doing well at work doesn't mean that they are doing okay.

Go easy on yourself OP, you've had significant bereavements younger than most people will. You were simply surviving for those 4 years, and you did it.

Did you get any help at the time of your first bereavement? I lost a parent in my 20s and it led me into making a series of poor decisions I wouldn’t have otherwise have made and those threatened to really derail my life and I only really got it turned around 3 years later. I don’t truly know how I would cope losing my remaining parent but I know what I would do differently and it wouldn’t be what I did first time around where I just tried to continue on with life and repress what I was feeling.

Totally sounds like me. My stepdad passed in June last year and honestly it’s affected a lot of things.
only now I’m feeling normal ish, and I only knew him for 12 years.
dread to think what I’d be like losing my mum and dad

You are NOT pathetic x

I’m so sorry for your loss. Grief affects everyone differently. There is no normal way of coping.

Rather than focusing on the bigger picture, why not set yourself small goals each day, even if it’s just “make the bed”, “go out for a short walk”. Then as you achieve those, you can set bigger targets.

Also maybe to the outside world I looked like I had my shit together and was doing well but I wasn’t at all and I was very vulnerable hence making some poor decisions

You're not pathetic. I lost my dad a couple of years ago and was bedridden for weeks. Couldn't life my head off the pillow. It consumes you in a way no one else can describe unless they've been there

You've got through it before, and you'll get through it again. Grief isn't linear, it affects people in different ways. There's no pain like it and and it's a struggle to adapt

I will also say that I was in some sort of shock for years after my mum's sudden death and didn't properly process her death grieve until a few years later.

There's no right or wrong way to grieve.

Took me around 4 years to realise and feel a bit more like myself, but about 8/9 years to kind of regain myself fully. This was after my mum died who I adored. But within the 1st 4 years I also lost a sister a friend an aunt and my dad (though we weren't close). I felt wrecked for ages. 10 years on and I feel more like me now. X

I took 4 months off sick after my mum died. It had been a hard couple of years and I just couldn’t have gone to work. While I was off my mental health wasn’t great. I have health anxiety and a healthy worry took over everything. I still functioned, looked after my kids, kept my house nice. But I couldn’t do much more than that tbh. Taking time off was the best thing I did. I had counselling too.

It is almost 2 years on but I still miss her desperately but it isn’t as raw now.

So sorry for your loss OP. If you need to take some time out then do. Just don’t take too long as sometimes it can make things worse.

There is no blueprint for grieving and we don't know how it will affect us until it hits.

I lost a parent in my mid twenties too. It was awful, but the circumstances meant we knew it was going to happen, had time to take them on holiday and spend quality time with them. Everything was said and done and they had a good death. That allowed me to grieve without it feeling complicated.

I had a period of about 6 months where I was wobbly. Exhausted, burnout, strange ideas like retraining to a completely new career - one my parent would have lived me to do, but I would be awful at! I had counselling which helped me properly process the grief.

I ended up going to work abroad for 6 months. It was the making of me and kick started the next phase of my life.

Today would have been a big birthday for my late parent and I'm remembering them, thankful for the time I had with them and also appreciating how their death shaped my life and I did grow from it.

There are many circumstances that complicate the grieving process - sudden, unexpected death, unfinished business etc. Please look into counselling to help.

My sibling died very unexpectedly last year and although at the time I handled it quite well and was able to carry on with work etc (didn’t really have a choice as have kids to support and I’d only just started a new job the week before it happened). Since then my life has been a mess although it doesn’t seem like the problem is directly caused by grief. Like it’s not that I can’t get anything done because I’m sitting around crying and ruminating all day. I just can’t focus or commit to anything, it’s more like a background general depression and anxiety that was triggered by the loss but not directly focused on it. It’s quite hard to put into words properly!

in the last few months I’ve dropped out of my degree in the final year, given up a career with prospects to work in a less demanding role with zero prospects, stopped seeing any of my friends, really been poor at keeping in touch with my family, my house is an absolute crap hole. I’ve just given up in everything really.

Sorry for the not very positive answer but I think it must be normal to feel like this to some extent.

I’m so sorry OP. It’s really tough becoming an ‘orphan’ no matter what age you are. And I don’t think many people get that.

My situation was a bit different because I was a child when my Mum died but I didn’t process her or Dad’s (died when I was early 20s) deaths properly, in fact I never have. I continued to do very well at school after Mum and at work after Dad and honestly nobody would have known, and only DH and my very closest friend knows now, what a mess it has fundamentally left me in deep down.

So please don’t feel pathetic. It gets people differently.

OP don’t underestimate losing your second parent. Even people much older than you can be surprised how much that derails them.

Not sure what to advise, as I’m in a similar situation, but just wanted you to know you’re not alone. I had a significant bereavement 9 years ago and I’m struggling after my mother died a few months which is normal at this stage but I really worry about it lasting a long time too

@fourikeachairs
‘seems like mostly, deeply bereaved people I read about get their shit together after a month or so being signed off, and are able to concentrate on their career (for example) and it spurs them on to excel. Like the polar opposite of me.’

I don’t think this is true - it might just feel that way currently. I only know one person like this and she seems to be trying to fill gaps with work and achievements. She’s never happy.

I’ve not excelled at anything in the 18 months since my mum died and I gave birth within four weeks. I’m still taking antidepressants and stagnating in my career 👍 contemplating spending a chunk on therapy every month and rarely see friends.

Take little steps to look after yourself for now (quiet time, drink enough water, fresh air and some sort of exercise each day) ❤️

There's no normal, no timescale, we are all different and most of us hide how we feel, which is probably no help to anyone. 2 years since I lost my mum to Covid. I'm still a mess on the inside.
Take care of yourself Op xxx

You are experiencing the classic symptoms of grief and the new bereavement will have triggered the feelings from the older loss. However, you are an older adult in a much more stable place now so I think you are unlikely
to experience the same downward spiral. Get some therapy when you are ready and not too exhausted to face it.

Every bereavement is different, OP. And my experience is we never get to choose how we feel, we just have to sort of ride it out.

When my mum died it took me a month or so to return to work and around 6 months to feel 'able' again.

However my son died just over a year ago and I already know there's no healing from this one. A part of me is gone and I fully expect that.

Lean on others where you can, I say.

Oh OP, I sympathise, really I do.

Mother died in my late teens, my father thirteen years later. I'm now in my mid-forties and am still struggling with pretty much everything - I have no grounding, no stability, and very few people around me truly understand how I feel. That's not to say that I don't have supportive friends, and therapy has been helpful, but there's no real foundations or cornerstones to my life, and I think I have always struggled (particularly with forming healthy functional relationships with men and finding my feet/niche career-wise) because of this.

If you haven't done any bereavement therapy, I strongly recommend it, or even some straightforward counselling which will give you a space to talk about all this with someone who is there to support you.

So sorry OP for your loss x