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AIBU?

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Original poster

Sons forgot my birthday..... again

78 replies

shellyleppard · 23/02/2023 20:58

Feeling slightly alone and need to vent..... please bear with me. Single mum to two teenage boys. They see their dad regularly, we get on better now. Very trying sometimes. My birthday today, they both forgot to get a card or present. Eldest was having an anxiety attack and youngest was panicking as he thought he had lost his savings. (He had already spent it 😳)............ Just feel taken for granted by them. It was their dads birthday yesterday so they knew mine was today. I did say how upset I was that they forgot again. Sorry for the ramble!!

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 24/02/2023 12:53

Tell them birthdays obviously aren't important to them and they won't mind if you ignore theirs, will they?

Chrimbob · 24/02/2023 12:57

I'd have stern words now. They see their father as a proper person who warrants making an effort for and they don't see you in the same way. They will grow up not considering you until they can pass on the effort to their partners.

FriedEggChocolate · 24/02/2023 12:58

Do they have pocket money to buy a card for you, or would they need to have asked their dad for the money?

TheSandgroper · 24/02/2023 12:58

@ReadersD1gest They are teenagers. They are learning. And they can learn to respect effort from their mother and they can learn to recognise that effort.

And would you like to marry a bloke (or girl) who has never been taught to see and recognise the background effort that life needs? There are plenty of threads on here about blokes “whose mothers never taught them”. But sometimes, teenagers don’t need a gentle approach. Sometimes they need to be slapped in the face with a wet fish.

GoldenCupidon · 24/02/2023 13:04

ReadersD1gest · 24/02/2023 12:29

You can't strong arm someone into celebrating your birthday! What's the point if they've had to be forced/intimidated into it?

Show quote history

It's not strongarming them any more than any other parental teaching is. You teach your children to say thank you (including, ideally, to you) and you teach them that other people's birthdays are important to them which is why we pack them up with a gift and card and send them along from nursery age onwards.

It's not a choice here between teaching and not teaching, it's a choice between teaching them that ignoring other people's life things should be respected and celebrated, and teaching them that they are free to ignore the ordinary human feelings of those closest to them if they CBA.

Brefugee · 24/02/2023 13:06

they've obviously learned to appreciate their dad's birthday though.

OP how often do they see their dad?

GoldenCupidon · 24/02/2023 13:10

typo - meant to put "it's a choice between teaching them that other people's life things should be respected and celebrated, and teaching them that they are free to ignore the ordinary human feelings of those closest to them if they CBA."

Original poster
shellyleppard · 24/02/2023 13:20

Omg that last sentence..... I'm laughing so hard!!! Thank you for making me laugh today. I think they just see me all the time, their dad not so regular. Basically they take it for granted I will always be here x going to get a very large wet fish now 😏

OP posts:
ReadersD1gest · 24/02/2023 13:20

Well, yes... But op says they're happy to fete their Dad on his birthday, so clearly they already know it's an expectation / social nicety.

GoldenCupidon · 24/02/2023 13:21

Get the biggest wettest one you can find!

(But also, give them the chance to put it right, that way next year they'll have had practice!)

TheSandgroper · 24/02/2023 13:22

@shellyleppard I am here to serve.

whatyoulookingfor · 24/02/2023 13:23

I feel for you OP... All but one of my 4 children forgot to get me a Christmas present!! It hurts but i now chlak it up to them being idiots

Mummyof287 · 24/02/2023 13:48

FirstFallopians · 24/02/2023 00:32

I’d actually be sitting them both down and telling them clearly why you are hurt and disappointed.

That it isn’t about a card or gift, it’s the acknowledgment that it’s a special day for someone they’re supposed to love and care about, to show some kind of thought has gone into choosing something that they’d like, no matter how small.

I’d be gutted if my DS grows up to be one of the “D” H/Ps you read about on here who don’t recognise their wives/partners on their birthdays/Mother’s Day/Christmas. You’ve been given an opportunity to address this before it’s an adult issue.

This!

ilovesooty · 24/02/2023 14:00

5foot5 · 23/02/2023 21:35

I bet they feel rubbish about it and would much rather have got you something.

So they should.

One would hope so. If I were the OP I'd be telling them in no uncertain terms. They're teenagers, not small children.

crossstitchingnana · 24/02/2023 14:29

My two were shit with gifts etc and every year I told them how upset I was.

Now? Now they get it, but I didn't let up every time they forgot.

One year, on my birthday, my youngest (then 18) said "what do you want on your birthday?" Said "a present and small gift ON my birthday". That worked.

Original poster
shellyleppard · 24/02/2023 14:34

They are 17 and 14.....so not little kids anymore

OP posts:
piedbeauty · 24/02/2023 14:45

Yanbu at all.

What was one Dc having a panic attack about? Is that relevant?

It's part of good parenting to teach dc to treat others kindly and in the way they'd like to be treated...

Do you remind them about their dad's birthday? Do you give them money for his gift? Do you remind them about yours in advance? Does your ex remind them?

They should not need reminding at their age. Do you want them to grow up to be men who ignore their girlfriend's or wife's bday?

Could your ex back you up on this?

Original poster
shellyleppard · 24/02/2023 15:01

Believe me I have tried to get them to think of others. But sometimes they just don't take any notice. Their dad did tell them off for not getting me anything. He does back me up with regards to parenting. But I've been doing it alone for so long i forget to ask for help sometimes

OP posts:
Wishimaywishimight · 24/02/2023 15:44

That's really shit that they care enough about their dad to celebrate his birthday but you are somehow of lesser importance? They are more than old enough to remember their mother's birthday and to do something about it. You have told them how you feel, if the same happens next year I would be inclined to 'forget' theirs too. Maybe a harsh lesson is needed in order for it to sink in.

GoldenCupidon · 24/02/2023 15:56

I can't believe how many kids don't know their own mothers' birthdays according to this thread. Do they know your name or do they think it says "mum" on your birth certificate too?

ilovesooty · 24/02/2023 16:40

Perhaps you should forget to provide them with money to run their mobile phones etc. They might then realise how unacceptably self absorbed they are.

Johnisafckface · 24/02/2023 17:16

I'm sorry, this would be hurtful especially since on the most part parents never forget their kids birthdays. My ex used to forget my birthday every once in a while, it was very hurtful so I know I'd be sad if my DD forgot. I can't imagine forgetting my DM's birthday, even when I was young my DF would make sure we had bought her something and as a teen I was always excited to give her presents so I never forgot.

dogdaydown · 24/02/2023 18:43

If they remember their dads the day before and not yours, then something is going on and they're not forgetting!

Original poster
shellyleppard · 25/02/2023 21:47

Thank you for lifting My spirit's. Eldest did make me a cuppa today..... first time ever!!!! 😂😂

OP posts:
caringcarer · 25/02/2023 22:11

You are clearly doing too much for them. Make them help out more about the house. My 8 year old niece saved up 2 weeks of her pocket money and got her Mum a card and bar of chocolate she likes, going to corner shop on her own with no one prompting her. Your son's sound selfish. How would they feel if you forgot something for them? Forget to wash their football kit or something. See what they say. They will only learn by experience.