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Original poster

Sons forgot my birthday..... again

78 replies

shellyleppard · 23/02/2023 20:58

Feeling slightly alone and need to vent..... please bear with me. Single mum to two teenage boys. They see their dad regularly, we get on better now. Very trying sometimes. My birthday today, they both forgot to get a card or present. Eldest was having an anxiety attack and youngest was panicking as he thought he had lost his savings. (He had already spent it 😳)............ Just feel taken for granted by them. It was their dads birthday yesterday so they knew mine was today. I did say how upset I was that they forgot again. Sorry for the ramble!!

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 24/02/2023 07:52

SpookyBlackCat · 24/02/2023 03:29

I just buy a cake and we eat it together. Thats good enough for me. I think different people have different expectations of birthdays. My brother has never really acknowledged my birthday. My mum likes a card, so I send her one, but I think younger people see cards as a waste of time. Maybe adjust your expectations rather than getting so upset.

@SpookyBlackCat

na why should op buy cake for everyone?!

op just buy something nice for yourself!

ClarificationNeeded · 24/02/2023 07:57

Say that as your birthday fell on a weekday you will be celebrating on the nearest week and you expect something NICE, thoughtful cards, present, dinner made / paid by them.

I would be upset but either you're going to suffer or you'll have to to subtly or not so subtly remind them next year, until they get it. They're your kids so you should have been training them.

stairgates · 24/02/2023 07:59

This is meant lighthearted but I don't see the point in adults celebrating the day of their birth, did you send you mum a thankyou card for yesterday? Treat.yourself to something nice instead 🙂

Untitledsquatboulder · 24/02/2023 08:05

And did they do anything nice for you? Bake a cake, make dinner, breakfast in bed? Or are they thoroughly lazy?

I think it's fine to tell them clearly how unacceptable their behaviour is and how hurt you are. I'd also suggest you start doing less for them and getting them to do more (housework, gardening) for you. The twen years might be a naturally self centred age but there are limits as to how much you need to indulge them.

Mythicalcreatures · 24/02/2023 08:06

Tell them that they upset you and for future years remind them your birthday is next week and you want something, I did this with my dc and now ( mid teens) they don't need reminded and appear to like getting me something small.

Bigpinktrain · 24/02/2023 08:10

Oh I’m sorry thats hurtful.

I would go out and treat myself today, may even leave the kids a note (if they are old enough) saying ‘pizza in the freezer, sort yourself out’ and then go out for tea somewhere you really like. My choice would be ramen 😌

SomePosters · 24/02/2023 08:16

i would ‘forget’ their next birthdays or as your update just text them a happy birthday.

Yes it will feel awful for you too but you should only need to do it once and if you don’t show them now that is a shitty way to behave and that their efforts will be reciprocated they’ll expect this to be ok again and to get lavished with presents on theirs… what kind of adults are you hoping to raise?

I hold a hard line about being treated decently though, I don’t want to raise a daughter who thinks being a mother means silently swallowing shit.

MichelleScarn · 24/02/2023 08:17

How old are they and what was the panic attack over? Something else or a stress reaction to the 'forgetting of the birthday'?

monomatapea · 24/02/2023 08:28

What has happened previous years?

monomatapea · 24/02/2023 08:29

monomatapea · 24/02/2023 08:28

What has happened previous years?

As in, did you or dad help them with birthday gifts when younger?

UdoU · 24/02/2023 08:57

Happy Birthday. That is shit, they are at an age where they can add a reminder to their phones, which they're glued to anyway. Did they remember their dad's or did you remind them?

I wouldn't be going all out on their birthdays.

Motnight · 24/02/2023 09:00

billthefrog · 24/02/2023 00:02

Happy Birthday op 💐 I like to think being taken for granted in the sign of a great parent.

treat yourself this weekend x

How is being taken for granted to the point that your birthday is forgotten a sign of being a great parent?

Original poster
shellyleppard · 24/02/2023 11:51

Bit difficult as she died last year.....

OP posts:
maddy68 · 24/02/2023 11:52

That's really hurtful.

Don't have a shouting match about it. Try to have a calm conversation about how hurt you are

MrsSkylerWhite · 24/02/2023 11:53

I ignore my own birthday if I can but it bothers you so, I’d buy each of them a calendar next Christmas and write your birthday clearly on it, making sure it’s turned to the correct page.

Original poster
shellyleppard · 24/02/2023 11:54

I have had birthday cards up for a week as some came very early. I told them how much I was hurt by them forgetting. There dads birthday is the day before and they always make a fuss about him. Mine....not so much 🤨

OP posts:
PreparationPreparationPrep · 24/02/2023 12:06

Aah happy birthday OP. I think children should be encouraged to think about others and it really is about the thought it brings rather than any gift or card they buy. some teens get in the habit of taking things for granted.
Your birthday should be special for you if that's how you want it. In our house it's the one day that it's all about you. Even if if it means you want to be alone in your room all day and don't want a cake (thankfully it hasn't got to that yet) .

Do you have a close sibling or family friend you can have a word with discretely who could help remind the boys about upcoming birthdays, mothers days etc and just guide them to do something?

It's good practice for children to not think it's all one way as in future they will probably have partners. and it really isn't about what they buy - it's that for those few minutes they have thought about you or someone else.

kimchifix · 24/02/2023 12:14

If it makes you feel better I asked teenage DD when my birthday was - she didn't even know the month..or the season come to that.

FourFour · 24/02/2023 12:17

kimchifix · 24/02/2023 12:14

If it makes you feel better I asked teenage DD when my birthday was - she didn't even know the month..or the season come to that.

That's shocking. My 6yo knows my birthday and already secretly making a card, it's soon.

PreparationPreparationPrep · 24/02/2023 12:19

Yes they remember at that age it's all fun! Making cards especially. By the time they reach teens some seem to forget

GoldenCupidon · 24/02/2023 12:26

shellyleppard · 24/02/2023 11:54

I have had birthday cards up for a week as some came very early. I told them how much I was hurt by them forgetting. There dads birthday is the day before and they always make a fuss about him. Mine....not so much 🤨

Happy birthday OP.

This is shit of them, none of their excuses matter as they have known about this date for the last 364 days.

Allowing your grown up or nearly grown up children to forget that you are a human being with needs and feelings is not the sign of a good parent as a PP claimed, it's getting them in the habit of thinking they themselves are the centre of the universe and allowing them to avoid practising gratitude/appreciation which is important for their own mental health as well as those around them. I know this sounds a bit wanky but neither is good for them in the long run, let alone their future friends and partners. I would draw a line this year, message them or sit them down and just tell them that having them ignore your birthday makes you feel crap and unappreciated. Ask how they would feel if you forgot their birthdays? Don't accept excuses.

GoldenCupidon · 24/02/2023 12:28

Duh sorry I see you did tell them you were hurt. The next step is, what are they going to do about it? Tell them they've got til midnight tonight to make up for it and - just this once - you'll accept celebrating a day late.

ReadersD1gest · 24/02/2023 12:29

TheSandgroper · 24/02/2023 01:03

I would go nuclear. It’s basic respect to acknowledge the effort you put in for the rest of the year.

And next year remind them forcefully about their responsibilities to show that basic respect. After that, you may never need to remind them again.

You can't strong arm someone into celebrating your birthday! What's the point if they've had to be forced/intimidated into it?

JeanRondeausMadHair · 24/02/2023 12:46

I've now lowered my expectations to zéro. You can't make someone care about something they don't, and it's been made very clear that they don't.
Can't change them, can only change my response.

Brefugee · 24/02/2023 12:49

There dads birthday is the day before and they always make a fuss about him. Mine....not so much

I'd tell them very plainly that is clearly a slap in the face to you. But is it a way of them telling you they'd rather swap the arrangement and live with their dad because you could discuss that with him if they want... (that will depend on a lot of things and you should probably ignore it.

So. Tell them. You are being disrespected and due to their father's birthday proximity you can make a direct comparison between how they regard each of you and that this will inform your actions going forwards. And then put them in charge of all housework, washing, cooking and cleaning for the weekend. And you put your feet up and enjoy cake.