Feeling a bit shit after comment, do I need to get a grip?

[AzzaazzA]

Friend asked me to go for dinner and when I met her she said she wanted to go for dinner and thought who would be free and so asked me.

Just been feeling a bit low after that. I met up with a different friend this week and also I’m visiting a friend this weekend and was asked to go out for a different friends birthday on Friday so I do go out. It just hurt this assumption of me.

She might have wanted to go to dinner but she wouldn't have asked you if she didn't also want to spend time with you.

I think it would have bothered me too.

That seems ok? Depends on life stages of friends. Those with younger kids would hardly be available at the times you want to go out for example

i know if wanted to find someone to hang out with without planning for ages, I’d go out with my mates who have less household dependencies

If you’re free, she wasn’t wrong. But then she’s clearly free too? So you’re both in exactly the same situation. So if it was a snide comment at your availability, it was a bit stupid cause it’s also commenting on hers.

It was a bit clumsy and insensitive of her but she was wrong, wasn't she? She was lucky to catch you as you have an active social life by the sound of it.

Is it a case of who does she know who isn't at the gym/ working late/going to french class? Or who has someone to watch their dc?

I wouldn't read anything into that at all. I would think who's on holiday? Who works nights? Who just had a baby? Then narrow it down to who could be available. Obviously she only asked as she likes you and wanted your company. I think you shouldn't worry about that at all. Sending you a virtual hug and cup of hot tea!

I think she's worded it clumsily.

1. she obviously likes you a lot or she wouldn't invite you.

2. I'm always available. I'm just not an overly sociable person so if and when my close friends ask, I'm nearly always available. Nothing wrong with that!

Don't overthink it. I say some stupid crap sometimes, it's usually due to anxiety or over-excitement, or just my brain going into overdrive. I'm sure you do too. I hope you had a nice time!

I've got friends who I know are up for spontaneous last minute plans and others I know are not and it's not connected to how full their lives are. They just have different lifestyles and attitudes to going out. I don't see this as a comment, positive or negative, on your life.

Thanks everyone, it’s just a tough time right now and I’m just feeling shit in general.

Awww, yes when you're feeling raw comments can strike home even when they're just throw away nothings.
If this person is a good friend (and you don't think they meant anything by it). I'd even be tempted to share your emotions and the fact you're all emotionally tender so she can reassure and laugh with you. That would be quite healing of you think it would go ok

Anything that can be done about what's bringing you down?

What assumption? That you might be free? Well, you were, so what could possibly be the problem?

I can see why you’ve taken that to mean she thinks you’re a saddo with nothing better to do but also she could have meant she rang you because she knows you enjoy socialising and are likely to want to go - so many people are hermits these days and don’t want to socialise, or they say yes but closer to the date they start making excuses and cancelling (I’ve had two friends cancel on a pre booked birthday meal tomorrow!!)

I would choose to believe she knew you’d be reliable and enjoy a night out and that’s why she asked you.

I think it’s just because I’m in my early 30s and single and also no children. I don’t date because I think I look like a troll. And I enjoy my overall career sector but the job I’m in is draining and can at times seem toxic.

I think it’s just the assessing life and feeling like I’m not happy even 50% of the time.

Sorry to just throw out all this nonsense. I think that’s why the comment hit harder because it was maybe an assumption based I’m single so I must be free (but thanks everyone for being perspective)

Is it not more of a case that you go out a fair bit, so more likely to say yes? I've been out to dinner once this year and maybe 3 times last year. Its not that im free or not, I just often say no. You sound very sociable and easy to engage with. Unlike me.

I highly doubt you look like a troll.

But even if you do, why does that mean you don't deserve love? There are plenty of men who look like trolls too, you don't have to find a brad pitt.

But equally, I bet there are lots of people who would love your lifestyle. Just because you aren't following the typical path, doesn't mean you're living life any less well.

Sounds like you're low OP, have you considered counselling? Even just a few sessions can boost you.

I think you're reading too much into it. It could be who she knows is likely to say yes.

Yes thats what i thought too.

I think it’s just because I’m in my early 30s and single and also no children

Yes, you're likely to be free more than someone who has a partner and several children. Obviously.
Still not seeing the issue here

Yes this, she was free in the first place, I might have had a giggle then happily got on with it

whats the context? Is she a friend who is normally snidey and makes back handed comments. Or is she generally nice and likely to have meant no harm?

DH and I always joke that we were attracted to each other because we’re both generally available. All our friends know this about us too. If we’re free, we want to be invited. Isn’t that the same with you- she knew she’d enjoy your company and that you’d say yes because you enjoy her company too?!

I'd think she was just saying that she can rely on you being happy to go out which is great because a lot of her friends are in relationships and don't want to any more.
I'm in a relationship and can hardly ever be bothered to go out now, that tends to be how people get.
You sound unhappy though, I think you need to look at what you can do to try to change that if you can - or if you can't plan something for a specific point in the future so you have something to work towards.

@AzzaazzA I think you need to get a grip tbh... yes it was slightly clumsy but your friend might be one of those people who talks straight and doesn't mean to offend, did you laugh it off or could she tell you were upset by that comment? - do you think she'd be offended if you said the same thing to her? For your own sake you need to lighten up and not replay things in your mind as it doesn't do anyone any good... also, just accept that we all slip up and say stupid things sometimes and 9 times out 10 there is no offence intended!

Btw you said "I don’t date because I think I look like a troll"... why would you think that of yourself? You are a young person with a very negative attitude which needs to change now... don't waste your life being miserable when you can be happy! It's not all about having a BF and children as not everybody wants that... change your attitude to being more upbeat and you'll invite positivity and opportunities into your life and see where it leads...

I want to go out for dinner, who can I go with.

'x' always makes excuses
'y' oh yeah - I know what her partner would say
'z' yeah, probably but do I really want to
hmm

Oh I know! EWB, she's great fun, we get on well and she's always up for a good night out. I'll call her now. Oh, wait a minute, she might not want to. .... No, she's a good friend and will make time. If she can't make x date, we can organise something that's good for both of us.