For not going to a funeral as the family had covid?

[Miloo]

Hi everyone, I will try to keep this short.

A neighbour lost her father, who I have never met, to covid. Three members of the family, including said neighbour, all had covid and had been in close contact with other members of the family. I do not know any of the neighbours family apart from their two children who are also adults.

I have always gone out of my way to help said neighbour and we used to spend some time together in the early days many many years ago but that stopped around 15 years ago. However, we do still talk and I go out of my way sometimes to help if they need it. I also tried to help get them I touch with someone to help sort out the funeral.

Last time we spoke, they told me they would share the funeral details with me. This never happened. It was seen by someone in my house on a WhatsApp status late at night, the day before the service.

We decided not to go because we know they had covid and we live with an elderly, vulnerable person who has recently been diagnosed with a heart condition. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to get in touch with them to let them know before the service. I lost a parent a few years ago and I remember how I felt at the time and how lots of people were coming and going for a few days after. This is fairly normal in our culture.

I tried to call them after the funeral and they never answered. I tried again later the same day, same thing so I sent a message apologising and explaining our situation. I also mentioned that I have been and continue to pray for them all and that I am here if they need anything at all. The one thing I forgot to mention is that I had planned to go and see them and their family once they are all better.

Two days went past and no response. I put it down to grief as I know how bad it can make you feel. On top of that they were ill. I was outside a couple of nights later and saw them come home so decided to walk over and speak to them and apologise in person and explain again that we did want to go but couldn’t because of covid. I was met with a very frosty reaction and was told they need to sort their cars out. So I said okay and went back home.

I know they are grieving and I know what that feels like. However, I never gave anyone that never came the silent treatment and we weren’t in a pandemic at the time.

Was it wrong of me to not go to the funeral or to their house knowing they had covid? Is it wrong of me to think that they would understand why we couldn’t risk going and for them to acknowledge that? I thought that a reasonable person would understand and you wouldn’t have to point it out to them? I wouldn’t even open the door to the delivery drivers when we had covid as I didn’t want to spread it.

I have been feeling awful as I do not like to hurt or upset people. I have decided to leave things for now and let them grieve. Even though I had wanted to go and see them all when they are better so they know that I will support them. I honestly feel like I won’t be welcome now.

A neighbour lost her father, who I have never met, to covid.

The father of a neighbour, not a close friend's father. Who you had never met. End of story. Anyone who would expect you to attend the funeral of someone who died of Covid, who you did not know in any case, and while the rest of the funeral party also had Covid, is not someone who cares about your health, or the health of your older or more vulnerable family members.

Last time we spoke, they told me they would share the funeral details with me. This never happened. It was seen by someone in my house on a WhatsApp status late at night, the day before the service.

Plus this! They are being unreasonable, and perhaps that is from their grief.

It seems an awful lot of angst about the funeral of someone you have never met.

You call them your neighbours but that sort of reaction (from you not them) is one you would have about upsetting a friend, not a neighbour

You've done nothing wrong.

They didn't share the funeral details with you.

They have lost someone to covid and know you live with someone vulnerable. Surely they wouldn't want to jeapordise anyones health having felt first hand what can happen.

Don't beat yourself up. ♥️ Put some of that energy that you put into giving to others back into yourself. X

You're making this into something when it's not. You didn't know the man & you describe the family as a neighbour not a friend.

Maybe they weren't being frosty. Bearing in mind they're dealing with a bereavement maybe you caught them at a bad time & they didn't feel chatty

You've apologised for not going. Leave it at that. Do what you had planned & go & see them at some point

I really think you're over thinking it

You are right, I do have a tendency to overthink things especially as I suffer with anxiety.

We did have a friendship many years ago before I moved away for a short time. After I came back things were different. I have invited them over a handful of times when we have had parties. They only really contact me when they need something. I think because we had that friendship in the past I know them a little more than just neighbours. I think that is why it does bother me.

I know everyone handles grief differently. Which is why I decided that I will wait a few weeks. I genuinely feel bad for them as I know what it feels like lose a parent.

This is exactly what I was thinking!

Perhaps that’s because we had a friendship many years ago

Thank you ❤️

Good grief OP, it’s not about you or your weird aversion to Covid. Maybe I’m not catching the connections but you appear not to be close so why are you bothering them?

Maybe leave them be

Not entirely sure what the neighbour has done wrong. I wouldn’t say they are giving you the silent treatment - tbh this seems to be in your head.
Just get on with your life and stop bringing it up to them

What is weird about having an aversion to covid?

I was met with a very frosty reaction and was told they need to sort their cars out.

You think she's imagining that?

Yeah, "weird aversion" to catching a virus renowned for killing off elderly people, and frankly anyone at times, when she has expressed a desire to protect others.

You must have missed this right up the top of the OP:

A neighbour lost her father, who I have never met, to covid. Three members of the family, including said neighbour, all had covid and had been in close contact with other members of the family.

And this:

We decided not to go because we know they had covid and we live with an elderly, vulnerable person who has recently been diagnosed with a heart condition.

It's basic human decency, and common sense.

"Weird aversion to Covid" 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I have a “weird aversion” to Covid. A year of Long Covid impacting my ability to work and enjoy family life will do that. And I’m at least alive! 🙄

OP, you seem to be overthinking this and making it very much about yourself. You weren’t actually invited in the end so are you sure any weird behaviour wasn’t more about your, possibly a bit OTT, apology? Try to move on. They are grieving and unlikely to be giving this the brain space you are.

You're overthinking this.

You're not close with them.

You never met the deceased.

Leave them be.

I mean this kindly but wanted to offer another perspective - are you sure they definitely wanted you to be there and this reaction isn't because of you trying to call them multiple times on funeral day?

My reading into the message is it was all a bit vague, they never actually shared the details with you-it doesn't seem therefore reasonable of them to be annoyed about it. And it would be a bit weird anyway if you didn't know their father.

And if they didn't share the details with you then they might find calls before and after the funeral a bit intrusive. They might just want their space and the coolness may just be because they perceive you to be making this about you.

Suggest give them some space and sure things will even out.

You sound like a lovely neighbour by the way

I am a bit confused about the timeline. How long between the father dying and the funeral?

I think you need to leave them to it. They didn’t tell you about the funeral and you didn’t go.

Tbh, there’s a chance it looks like you are trying to insert yourself into their grief and get over involved. You expressed condolences, made an offer of help. That’s all you need to do. Messaging again and again, probably isn’t what they need.

Dps Nana died last night. I would find it really odd if someone he used to be friends with but isn’t really involved in our lives now, was texting and kept reminding us they were praying for us.

Probably given her perception that she thinks she should have gone to the funeral and her anxiety.
She’s apologised now she needs to leave the neighbour alone and not give this any more headspace

I don’t think you have done anything wrong but I avoid funerals. I’ve known various neighbours that have died in the 30 years I’ve lived in my home and I haven’t been to any of their funerals, even next door neighbours of 15+ years. I got on well with them all but ultimately see them as an acquaintance rather than friends so if it was the father of, that I’d never met there’s even less chance that I would attend their funeral. I intend to go to as few funerals as possible in my lifetime, if you’re not family or a close friend I won’t be there.

How long was it between the father dying and the funeral? People do recover from covid; you seem to be considering it to be a chronic plague, but the family may even have recovered from covid before he died if he was unwell for some time. Your post doesn't indicate that you actually knew anyone in the family had covid at the time of the funeral, it sounds like you just decided they did; if that's the case then I really hope you didn't inform your neighbour that you didn't attend due to fear of covid.

Next thing is all these calls on the day of the funeral. One message "I'll be thinking of you all today and sorry I cannot be there to support you." Is just about ok. Anything else at all is horribly intrusive and upsetting. Likewise, approaching them multiple times since; these people are grieving, stop hassling them!! I'd be very frosty while sorting the car out too, I'd just be wanting you to go away and stop making my father's funeral all about your own logistics. You didn't know the man well, so it doesn't matter that you didn't attend. You can control your behaviour now though to make things easier, you do that by stopping this harassment of your neighbour! If you see them, a warm "how are you?" is enough, and wait for them to talk to you to dive in again with sympathies.

Right... no-one ever in the history of mankind was every frosty, and no-one ever perceived that intentional frostiness.

To be honest, it seems like you are making this all about you. I wonder if that is how it came across to them too?

You seem to know a lot about who tested positive for Covid and when, given that you aren't close to the neighbours, hadn't seen them, and don't know any of their family.

If you are so worrie about catching Covid I suppose you are isolating and not going anywhere or seeing anyone, because, of course, absolutely every person you meet might have Covid. Or flu. Or something else.

Of course, the other option is that this might not be entirely factual.

Thank you to everyone that has responded with a sensible response. There are a lot of things I have missed out because I was trying to keep it short and failed.

We had a friendship many years ago, I moved a way for a short time and came back. My life had changed and was busier so we never really picked it up again. We have never fallen out or anything. I would say we are in between neighbours and friends if that makes sense.

They had just come back from a trip and they always ask me to take care of their house when they go away. The parents had travelled with them. They got back and were ill, the father passed away 2 days later, the funeral was 2 days after that. They had also been mixing with family members while they were ill.

Perhaps I am overthinking it. I know people do grieve in different ways. Perhaps it has just hit them now as when it first happened I don’t think it really had. They are not the type of people to hide their emotions, that is why I think this could be the case.

I hope they are able to get through this and find a way to deal with it all. I will still be here if and when they are ready.