To ask about your midlife crises?

[MidlifeWhatNow]

Should be counting my blessings - I have a happy marriage (even though he drives me insane at times), a home, my health, a loving family. A (little) bit of rainy-day money in the bank. A 'worthwhile' job that challenges me with a team I (mostly) like. Literally nothing to complain about, really.

And yet, I keep thinking, is this it now? Is this life? I feel so bored and unmotivated and just generally disconnected. I feel as if life is just one endless round of repetitive, mildly unfulfilling activities - work, shop, clean, eat, sleep. Worry a bit about the mortgage, worry a bit about the state of the world, a bit about dc's future, a bit about my weight. The usual. And that's basically it. Just...meh. Nothing is awful, and yet nothing is fantastic anymore, either.

And yes, I am on HRT and no, I'm not depressed. I'm just not sure how to get out of this rut I seem to have found myself in.

Surely I can't be the only one who dreams of packing it all in and, I dunno, selling the house and fucking off round the world? I just want some excitement and anticipation back in my life. Can anyone re!ate?

Do you have any hobbies? I have recently got into all sorts of sport and sign up for events. I find it challenging and enjoyable.

I do yoga and swim. I sing in a choir. i potter in the garden. All fine as far as they go.

It feels a bit more fundamental than 'get a new hobby' though, tbh.

I threw in my career and got a temp job in the same field. Can't say I would recommend it, necessarily...

Do you have children and how old are they?

Maybe I'm not at the point of reflecting on my life yet, but I fully expect it to come once my kids have grown up.

Every now and again I think about jacking everything in and going off on a round the world trip in a camper van, but it's very fleeting.

Hope you find some peace with it all.

Perhaps you could do with a project in addition to your weekly hobbies? If you think about jetting off, maybe getting away every weekend or every month in a camper van would be a compromise, if for practical reasons you can't sell up and travel the world for a couple of years. Buying a van and converting it could be a project.

Or would you consider taking your children out of school for four months to travel Europe? You'd not have to sell your home, and it would still be a big adventure for you all.

Kids are at uni, although one is on the verge of dropping out, so that's a worry, and rather puts the kybosh on the idea of selling up and running away...

I'm 50, over halfway through my life. I'm just not sure what it's all for now though. It just seems like drudgery.

My mid life crisis was doing a degree just for the heck of it. Had an absolute blast. Got to engage the brain a little and even better, found who I was again. Might be a bit drastic but it was totally the best thing I've done just for myself.

Does the kid have a plan for if they drop out? Are you worried that they will be directionless if they do? If so, maybe you could discuss planning something exciting for you both to do, or start a project together. If it would be travelling, maybe you can agree with the kid that they should work and save a certain amount of money first. They'd have a focus and you'd have something to look forward to.

I know you say you're not but I do wonder if you're a little bit depressed? I certainly was when I felt the way you do and I didn't realise at the time. It passed within a few months but I was ready to walk away from my family by the end of it. I felt so bored and thought is this really it? Nothing excited me.

I don’t know what made it lift but it did and I was upset I ever felt that way. Sorry that doesn't help but maybe assess again your mental health.

I do get this. I’m 47 and really really craving excitement. I do have quite a few hobbies-I’m really creative and have lots of ideas but due to work and DC I struggle to ever really follow things through.

I got into ‘deep reading’, and it has changed my life. Basically, you treat literature seriously, and read through the classics slowly and carefully, allowing them to work on you at a subconscious level. It isn’t easy - at times it’s boring. But it really is transformative.

I have a list of the classics, based mostly on the recommendations of Harold Bloom, and I am working my way through. I’ve always enjoyed reading, but this is different. I now treat reading as a kind of spiritual exercise. It’s something I prioritise, along with exercise and meditation. In fact, I combine all three: I will go for a run, then do some yoga and meditation, and then settle down to read, making notes in the margins as I do. I generally pick one great writer and fully immerse myself. I read all of Jane Austen’s novels, for example, in chronological order, and plan to do the same with Thomas Hardy, Virginia Woolf, the Brontes, Wordsworth, Kurt Vonnegut, John Donne, Nabokov, and numerous others. Right now, I am working my way through the complete works of Dickens, which I hope to complete by Christmas.

I no longer read a newspaper, or watch the news or go on social media. And I very rarely watch TV.

I also practice what the philosopher Bryan Magee called ‘deep immersion,’ where you take a single great work, and read it slowly, doing nothing else for three or four days - just reading a single work and going for long walks to meditate on what you’ve read. I’ve done it with Hamlet, King Lear, Paradise Lost, Hawking’s Brief History of Time (though I only understood about 20% of the flippin thing), Carlo Rovelli’s Lectures on Physics (ditto), Sagan’s Cosmos, Dawkins’ Selfish Gene, The Bhagavad Gita, Alan Watts’ Way of Zen, etc.

I know this all sounds pretentious, but I have no interest in impressing other people (I barely know anyone anyway!). I want answers. And I want great writers to transform my consciousness.

This podcast is brilliant in general, but this episode is just what you need

thisjungianlife.com/episode-112-midlife-crisis-renewal-or-stagnation/

Don't be put off by the intro talking about dreams - that is for another day. This could inspire you to look at your life and mid-life crisis in a different way - are you going to stagnate or renew?

@JoonT that sounds fantastic. Life has got in the way of my reading but I’m definitely going to pick it up based on your post.

I’m also 50 and going through a bit of a phase. I really need to travel to scratch my itch but the CoL is making that impossible. So for now I’m learning Ordinance Survey navigation in the hills near me - it’s very fulfilling to get from A to B with only a map and compass.

Realistically if your children are in uni it’s not that unfeasible that you could pack it all in and travel. What if it’s not a midlife crisis but a change in direction?

How long have you got on your mortgage? Does your provider offer a mortgage holiday? How remote can your job be? Or would they offer you a sabbatical?

Do you have transferable skills which you could use for a summer holiday company or doing a ski season? Could you transfer to your company’s office in Singapore? Would Australia offer a working visa for your skills?

I reckon follow your heart!

I felt like this. I think it comes to lots of people when they achieve their life goals: career, relationship, house, kids etc. It can be hard to stop striving and just be happy and content with what you have. Do you have a spiritual element to your life? Meditation & helping others have been helpful for me.

What age is mid life though?

It's really common OP and my view is it comes from not having specific goals. Think about it.. life until your kids grow up is constant milestones of get married, get a house, have kids, get the kids to x age, kids leave home... And then? What's the next longer term goal? For many that drives a bit of a crisis in that they've 'completed' life.

Goal setting is really important at every age.

Coming up to 40 and feeling similar so Ive put the house on the market and plan to go crazy and buy a big ole wreck of a mansion and become a hippy.

The goal-setting / goal completion comments do resonate somewhat. I have spent my entire adult life working towards 'something', whether that be exams, jobs, family, home, hobbies etc. I was exhausted though, and needed to take my foot off the gas a bit. And the end result appears to be that I am now aimless, bored and frustrated!

i do need to 'renew ', so I'll listen to that podcast, thanks. I dont think it's helped that dh has recently discovered a new interest / activity which has really given him a new lease of life and focus, leaving me feeling a bit directionless in comparison!

I qualified as a nurse at 51.
One hell of a mid life crisis.

Yes, me. I spent last week frantically googling new careers including nursing and teaching which I would last five minutes in. I just feels bit directionless despite being basically happy. I can’t afford to go travelling nor is it practical with two kids or I think I would. I would like to do a degree but they are so expensive.

Seriously impressed by this, after all my extensive new career research 😂

I’m 41 and am in the middle of mine. I am working on a new career.

I heard someone on a podcast recently, who became a writer in his 40s, say “don’t waste your mid-life crisis”.

Yes, me. I spent last week frantically googling new careers including nursing and teaching which I would last five minutes in

Haha; my job involves both of those professions, and I'm fed up to the back teeth of both of them!

@JoonT
What a good idea. Mindful reading. I do alternate deep v crap books, but I’m going to sharpen my pencil. Thank you.