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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask about your midlife crises?

53 replies

MidlifeWhatNow · 22/02/2023 15:39

Should be counting my blessings - I have a happy marriage (even though he drives me insane at times), a home, my health, a loving family. A (little) bit of rainy-day money in the bank. A 'worthwhile' job that challenges me with a team I (mostly) like. Literally nothing to complain about, really.

And yet, I keep thinking, is this it now? Is this life? I feel so bored and unmotivated and just generally disconnected. I feel as if life is just one endless round of repetitive, mildly unfulfilling activities - work, shop, clean, eat, sleep. Worry a bit about the mortgage, worry a bit about the state of the world, a bit about dc's future, a bit about my weight. The usual. And that's basically it. Just...meh. Nothing is awful, and yet nothing is fantastic anymore, either.

And yes, I am on HRT and no, I'm not depressed. I'm just not sure how to get out of this rut I seem to have found myself in.

Surely I can't be the only one who dreams of packing it all in and, I dunno, selling the house and fucking off round the world? I just want some excitement and anticipation back in my life. Can anyone re!ate?

OP posts:
neverendinglauaundry · 22/02/2023 19:39

JoonT · 22/02/2023 18:17

I got into ‘deep reading’, and it has changed my life. Basically, you treat literature seriously, and read through the classics slowly and carefully, allowing them to work on you at a subconscious level. It isn’t easy - at times it’s boring. But it really is transformative.

I have a list of the classics, based mostly on the recommendations of Harold Bloom, and I am working my way through. I’ve always enjoyed reading, but this is different. I now treat reading as a kind of spiritual exercise. It’s something I prioritise, along with exercise and meditation. In fact, I combine all three: I will go for a run, then do some yoga and meditation, and then settle down to read, making notes in the margins as I do. I generally pick one great writer and fully immerse myself. I read all of Jane Austen’s novels, for example, in chronological order, and plan to do the same with Thomas Hardy, Virginia Woolf, the Brontes, Wordsworth, Kurt Vonnegut, John Donne, Nabokov, and numerous others. Right now, I am working my way through the complete works of Dickens, which I hope to complete by Christmas.

I no longer read a newspaper, or watch the news or go on social media. And I very rarely watch TV.

I also practice what the philosopher Bryan Magee called ‘deep immersion,’ where you take a single great work, and read it slowly, doing nothing else for three or four days - just reading a single work and going for long walks to meditate on what you’ve read. I’ve done it with Hamlet, King Lear, Paradise Lost, Hawking’s Brief History of Time (though I only understood about 20% of the flippin thing), Carlo Rovelli’s Lectures on Physics (ditto), Sagan’s Cosmos, Dawkins’ Selfish Gene, The Bhagavad Gita, Alan Watts’ Way of Zen, etc.

I know this all sounds pretentious, but I have no interest in impressing other people (I barely know anyone anyway!). I want answers. And I want great writers to transform my consciousness.

I like the sound of this.

OP, I get you! I think I've been a bit like this my whole life and have done loads of stuff to alleviate it over the years (travelled the world on a shoestring in my 20s, taken on challenging jobs, lived on different continents with my young kids, done a masters degree in my late 30s and had a career change etc.) I'm now mid 40s and 5 years into a newish career, I've been living in the same place for 8 years and I just feel very meh and directionless and soo tired. I'm not even sure if I want to do anything at all.

ThatshallotBaby · 22/02/2023 19:40

Could I suggest Tolstoy for next year maybe?0

AceofPentacles · 22/02/2023 19:43

Maybe view some good Buddhism talks on YouTube and learn to live in the moment as much as possible

SunnyDaysAheadGang · 22/02/2023 19:44

MidlifeWhatNow · 22/02/2023 15:39

Should be counting my blessings - I have a happy marriage (even though he drives me insane at times), a home, my health, a loving family. A (little) bit of rainy-day money in the bank. A 'worthwhile' job that challenges me with a team I (mostly) like. Literally nothing to complain about, really.

And yet, I keep thinking, is this it now? Is this life? I feel so bored and unmotivated and just generally disconnected. I feel as if life is just one endless round of repetitive, mildly unfulfilling activities - work, shop, clean, eat, sleep. Worry a bit about the mortgage, worry a bit about the state of the world, a bit about dc's future, a bit about my weight. The usual. And that's basically it. Just...meh. Nothing is awful, and yet nothing is fantastic anymore, either.

And yes, I am on HRT and no, I'm not depressed. I'm just not sure how to get out of this rut I seem to have found myself in.

Surely I can't be the only one who dreams of packing it all in and, I dunno, selling the house and fucking off round the world? I just want some excitement and anticipation back in my life. Can anyone re!ate?

Yes hard relate here OP!

SunnyDaysAheadGang · 22/02/2023 19:45

MidlifeWhatNow · 22/02/2023 15:54

I do yoga and swim. I sing in a choir. i potter in the garden. All fine as far as they go.

It feels a bit more fundamental than 'get a new hobby' though, tbh.

Omg are you actually me?!

Chevyimpala67 · 22/02/2023 19:48

MidlifeWhatNow · 22/02/2023 15:39

Should be counting my blessings - I have a happy marriage (even though he drives me insane at times), a home, my health, a loving family. A (little) bit of rainy-day money in the bank. A 'worthwhile' job that challenges me with a team I (mostly) like. Literally nothing to complain about, really.

And yet, I keep thinking, is this it now? Is this life? I feel so bored and unmotivated and just generally disconnected. I feel as if life is just one endless round of repetitive, mildly unfulfilling activities - work, shop, clean, eat, sleep. Worry a bit about the mortgage, worry a bit about the state of the world, a bit about dc's future, a bit about my weight. The usual. And that's basically it. Just...meh. Nothing is awful, and yet nothing is fantastic anymore, either.

And yes, I am on HRT and no, I'm not depressed. I'm just not sure how to get out of this rut I seem to have found myself in.

Surely I can't be the only one who dreams of packing it all in and, I dunno, selling the house and fucking off round the world? I just want some excitement and anticipation back in my life. Can anyone re!ate?

Ditto
Wish I knew what to do!

neverendinglauaundry · 22/02/2023 19:50

Maybe we need to start a club?

LadyWithLapdog · 22/02/2023 19:57

I felt like this a few years ago. I have new goals for now: bring my pension forward. Aiming for 60.

Shudacudawuda · 22/02/2023 19:59

I'm 45 and feeling a bit like I'm at the beginning of a mid life crisis ☹.
Very similar feelings as you describe OP, along with a gradual realisation that some of the hopes and dreams I had when I was younger are never going to happen. Little things like, I always assumed that one day I would go skiing. My parents could never afford it but I planned to take my kids one day and we would all learn together. I've always wanted to see the alps in the snow.
But now I'm 45 with a couple of new health issues, don't really have the money either, and it's suddenly dawned on me that it's not something I'm ever going to be able to do. I'm not getting any younger.

Sorry, this sounds like pathetic self absorbed drivel 🤣, but it's one small dream out of many that I feel like I need to wave goodbye to, that I've missed my chance. I need to find something new, something achievable, a new goal, to pick me up.

So I'm with you OP, reading the suggestions with interest.

Chevyimpala67 · 22/02/2023 20:00

Like many people my age I still have dc at school and an elderly frail mother.
Sandwich generation I guess.
It's a bit shit tbh

TheMildManneredMilitant · 22/02/2023 20:01

Very much relate. My kids are younger and I know I'm very lucky but...but...I just want some adventure. Or to follow my dream of living in the countryside. Or to climb mountains every weekend. When I was younger I didn't have anyone to do this with so I didn't. Now I would quite happily go off on my own but, kids.

And if I did just say fuck it and move us all to the other end of the country I'd replace generic malaise with anxiety about everyone else being miserable.

I do believe in goals though. My main one now is just to sort my physical health out in the hope it improves my mental outlook. Diet and exercise does make a huge difference in how positive I feel.

Reading proper literature also helps me reconnect to my old self too but I have to make myself do it. Love your approach to this @JoonT

15feb · 22/02/2023 20:05

A bit tangential rather than real advice but I was a drifting uni dropout working part time jobs, genuinely struggled badly with my mental health, and having a home and parental emotional/practical/etc support to return to was so important at first... But when my parents eventually started taking themselves off on merry holidays abroad literally every other month (midlife crisis/last hurrah after a lifetime of working to support the family), I think that was when I realised they were their own people and I was my own person and I sort of felt both freer and more obligated (in a good way) to move on with my life!

2crossedout1 · 22/02/2023 20:06

OP, I recommend reading Happy by Derren Brown. Some interesting stuff about how it's better to aim for contentment rather than anything more.

Chevyimpala67 · 22/02/2023 20:07

2crossedout1 · 22/02/2023 20:06

OP, I recommend reading Happy by Derren Brown. Some interesting stuff about how it's better to aim for contentment rather than anything more.

Read it. It's very good.

Original poster
MidlifeWhatNow · 22/02/2023 20:10

Yes @Chevyimpala67 I also have dad who I worry about and who is getting frailer. The round-the-world trip or big re-location will never happen because I would spend all my time worrying about him if I wasn't close by.

Physical goals (health / wellness) are important, definitely. I do look after myself pretty well on that score but could always do more I suppose. Might as well leave a beautiful corpse, eh? 😂

OP posts:
SunnyDaysAheadGang · 22/02/2023 20:12

LobsterPotts · 22/02/2023 18:52

Coming up to 40 and feeling similar so Ive put the house on the market and plan to go crazy and buy a big ole wreck of a mansion and become a hippy.

Like this idea! By the sea?

NevieSticks · 22/02/2023 20:13

MidlifeWhatNow · 22/02/2023 20:10

Yes @Chevyimpala67 I also have dad who I worry about and who is getting frailer. The round-the-world trip or big re-location will never happen because I would spend all my time worrying about him if I wasn't close by.

Physical goals (health / wellness) are important, definitely. I do look after myself pretty well on that score but could always do more I suppose. Might as well leave a beautiful corpse, eh? 😂

Do you travel?

Chevyimpala67 · 22/02/2023 20:14

MidlifeWhatNow · 22/02/2023 20:10

Yes @Chevyimpala67 I also have dad who I worry about and who is getting frailer. The round-the-world trip or big re-location will never happen because I would spend all my time worrying about him if I wasn't close by.

Physical goals (health / wellness) are important, definitely. I do look after myself pretty well on that score but could always do more I suppose. Might as well leave a beautiful corpse, eh? 😂

Ds2 has 3 years left in secondary.

Mum is really not doing so well.

I seem to be constantly looking after other people. It's I've done for 20 years.
I'm tired.

RoseBucket · 22/02/2023 20:17

I quit my well paying corporate job and went self employed, now broke but found a happy medium. I’m considering changing careers completely. Late 40s.

Original poster
MidlifeWhatNow · 22/02/2023 20:17

NevieSticks · 22/02/2023 20:13

Do you travel?

Show quote history

Not sure what you mean @NevieSticks - like most people I go on holiday when I can but I've not 'travelled' for 20+ years (in the sense of being away for weeks / months if that's what you mean?)

OP posts:
Doyouthinktheyknow · 22/02/2023 20:18

This resonates with me, maybe I am having a midlife crisis! I just blame my job and general life demands but maybe it is more than that.

I’m a nurse, sick of the stress and feeling of being overworked, definitely have the sense that there must be more to life!

Have 2 kids at Uni, one retired and loving life DH and me who just feels like I’m on a treadmill I can’t get off. I’m only 48 so no retirement looming for me. I want to sell up, move and work bank shifts somewhere. Don’t feel it is the right time or at all practical at the moment but I think I need it. But then I wonder if it’s me and I’m just going to take my problems with me🤷‍♀️

I’m too boring and risk averse to do it yet. Need to get the dc through university first and then I might do it.

Arrrrrrragghhh · 22/02/2023 20:19

Absolutely with you Op.
I think at 50 you have probably had a go at most things you’d thought you liked and if you haven’t it’s unlikely you can be bothered now.

I did watch “Brits in the Sun ( where are they now) “ today and it’s inspiring and depressing in equal measure. Lots of middle edge couples doing amazing things in France and Spain. Lots of hard work but they all seem to come up with new ideas for their businesses every few months. I’d love that.

Original poster
MidlifeWhatNow · 22/02/2023 20:19

RoseBucket · 22/02/2023 20:17

I quit my well paying corporate job and went self employed, now broke but found a happy medium. I’m considering changing careers completely. Late 40s.

What does your self-employment involve? I have considered it but it's hard to give up the security of a good salary etc.

OP posts:
NevieSticks · 22/02/2023 20:26

MidlifeWhatNow · 22/02/2023 20:17

Not sure what you mean @NevieSticks - like most people I go on holiday when I can but I've not 'travelled' for 20+ years (in the sense of being away for weeks / months if that's what you mean?)

Show quote history

I mean 2 or 3 holidays a year to different places which just gives you a break from the everyday and to experience other things.

Mrsdragonfly · 22/02/2023 20:27

Similar here (early 40s) and just feeling meh. Two kids with special needs and looking at a lifetime of caring. About to start a new job so hopefully that will provide some change but can’t shake the general feel of being bone tired.