To consider educating one DC differently (private)

[BeethovenNinth]

We have three DDs. Live in a small place with a good enough secondary but post pandemic there are lots more issues. All are/were happy at local primary, thrived, including my eldest. My eldest does have a learning difficulty in one area, however.

our eldest hasn’t settled at secondary. When I say hasn’t settled, she developed anorexia in her first year at secondary that we managed to nip in the bud (as much as you can). She still had disordered eating and is highly anxious. She has been self harming. Incredibly withdrawn after school. She doesn’t like the chaos of it, has been upset by some alarming behaviour from other kids (who have major issues. It’s hard to unpick fully. Her friendship group seems complex. I believe much of her issues stem from school (possibly also trauma when younger due to a medical issue). Home life is pretty good.

she now can no longer attend the school. She can’t go near it and we are fumbling along trying to home school as we work. She is on a wait list to see the school counsellor who has seen her briefly a couple of times but she cannot even get into the school building now. She is seeing a private counsellor.

now she isn’t at school she is much happier - eating, no self harm, smiling, managing to see family again etc. It has been a horrific two years for the family so I will do anything at this stage to make this right.

we have been exploring other schools and have found a very tiny college in a nearby city. It’s the same price as private school. She thinks it is right for her and a friend’s child is doing well there.

but we are struggling, financially, to send our other DC privately. DH and I are now arguing. My view is our eldest has been seriously ill and is now not receiving an education at all. DH thinks she should “sort herself out”, whatever that means. We are well off financially at present but his pension is tiny and we are playing catch up. My DH is older and I share his concern - he will or should be retired by the time my youngest is in secondary. I work part time and could at that point shift to full but I’m not sure it is enough.

So we are left with the potential conundrum. is it awful only to send one DC to what is effectively a private school? If the others really struggled at our state school we would somehow manage with them too but it would similarly be a last resort.

has anyone else done this? Have the other children been ok as they have aged? I would hate this to split the siblings apart as they are close. My middle child is eleven, very smart and astute and can see the hell that’s it been. FWIW I think my other children would likely be okay as I believe my eldest’s issues are largely around post pandemic anxiety, her leaning issue and possible other factors.

thanks so so much for any experiences

You have to do the best you can for each of your children. It doesn't have to be the same. The fact she has tried the state school and is now failing to attend is justification enough in my eyes to pay just for her. Your husband sounds unsympathetic and needs to be educated about mental health.

It isn't awful, but it is something you need to discuss with your other children. Make sure they are OK with it. Ensure they understand it is because she is failing to thrive. Ask them what they think you should do.

You do the best for your children 'as a family' and if that means one of them needs something extra, that's not unfair.

I would definitely send eldest DD to that small college. It will help the whole family. The eldest sets the scene.
I have 4 DC and always chose the best school for each child at the time. Schools and circumstances change. It isn’t about the money/fees if you can afford it. Eg another child might in the future need more help with eg a phd/post grad learning, always bring out the best in each child given the circumstances. Plus you have plenty of justification.

I would focus on what's the right school for each child and be careful to avoid any suggestion that the college / private school is "better"

Why not just an alternative state school; what necessitates a private education in this context?

Absolutely not an issue, and your other children shouldn't even be a consideration at this point. All things being equal you would educate your children the same but things aren't equal and you need to do what's best for your daughter and her mental health. If it's a private education so be it.

You do not owe your other children any discussion about how they might feel about it,it's irrelevant and actually none of their business and I wouldn't even discuss that it's a private college. you just say that you've found somewhere which suits her and she'll be going there. If your other children need a different education then cross that bridge when it comes to it.

Your DH on the other hand..............well words fail me on that one

A friend has done this with the younger ones at private. I think they have managed it well and it hasn’t caused upset.

I actually totally disagree, This is not a discussion to involve the other children in and it's certainly not for them to have an opinion. She needs to let them know their sister is going to a new school which is suited to her. The fact that it's private is neither here nor there. They know, or will know, she has struggled and if at any point they play the "it's not fair" card that can be dealt with quickly and firmly at a later date. To ask them their opinions a) is wrong because it's nothing to do with them, it's up to the parent, and b) it's making something an issue which doesn't need to be.

Doing the best for your children isn't about doing the same for them

Is this “tiny college” private or not?
You say it costs money but then say it’s the same price as a private school.

If it’s not a private school but an “alternative provision” which is usually state funded via EHCP, is that a route you can take?

I think it makes a difference to explaining to other children and them not feeling jealous.
There’s a difference between a sibling in an alternative provision for kids with problems, and seeing your sister swanking off to “St Somebody’s Fancy School for Young Ladies” complete with pool, proper sports teams, a in-house theatre, its own climbing wall, etc whilst you’re stuck in a school with kids vaping in the toilets and teacher’s having to buy glue sticks themselves.

She sounds very like my friend’s DD, who was diagnosed with autism. They took her out of her (excellent) state school and put her into a much smaller, quieter independent school, and she did really well. Check first of all if the school meets her needs, is willing to accept her, and whether there are bursaries available. If she is happy at home you could also consider online school, though you would likely have to find other ways to support social opportunities.

kingsinterhigh.co.uk

Given that you’re considering this for therapeutic reasons I don’t see how the other kids would have a problem, as long as they understand why.

I did for my youngest who has ASD , the others totally understood. Indeed the middle two said that he would be bullied at the school they went too . They are all supported in different ways .
Dc 3 gets halls accommodation paid for while in London . The oldest lives at home and pays minimal board ,He has ASD , and will need more help than the others
All kids have different needs and we help where we can
It’s not the same as sending one only when there are no issues

You’ve got one other thread from last summer than sadly had no responses - Education is a quiet board I find, and mostly about competing private school offers.

From that, two questions. What happened to the possibility of the better state school in the next town? And given that some of your daughter’s issues are anxiety driven around other people’s behaviour, would travelling to another city for the college you mention in this thread be a trigger?

I definitely would be using an online school now as @ShandaLear says, and not attempting to home school anything.

We have three dc and this is what happened with them-
dc1- asd- state primary, moved to non selective tiny private school in year 3, stayed til gcses then state college for a levels

dc2- adhd- state primary and secondary then state college

dc3- state primary and secondary then all girls private for a levels

you do what’s best for each child. Education is not a one size fits all. It’s fine. Send her to the small college.

Your dd sounds a lot like my dd - she struggled horribly in year 7 (after thriving at primary school) and we have pulled her out of school. She is thriving at home and has since been diagnosed with autism. The school we pulled her out of was a 'small and nurturing' independent girl's school and I have also since had to pull her out of a seemingly friendly extracurricular activity, as she found the social side of things so difficult. So I suppose what I am saying is that private school may well not be the answer. I see someone above has linked to Kings Interhigh - a friend of a friend's dd is doing well with them. My dd has private tutors for English, maths and science and then the freedom to explore her own interests.

My DD was not dissimilar to yours and I pulled her v quickly. It's a struggle financially and was not at all in my financial long term plans but home schooling was not an option as I work and I didn't want her to not have the social side. She doesn't love school and complains about it but goes and is actually happy when there.

As others have said, you fit the school to the child. With children like yours and mine, it would be a rare state secondary that would be small enough and quiet enough for them. It's a shame the establishment can't see beyond economy of scale and keep increasing the size of secondaries. Smaller ones, of no more than say, 600, with well managed corridors and shared spaces would address a huge number of issues that cause chaos in the current setups of 1200-2000 kids.

My dcs have attended a mixture of state and private, all different, it's never been an issue.

One word of caution - in my experience, eating disorders are absolutely rife among girls in private schools - much more so than at state.

Oh gosh what a difficult situation, you have my sympathy.

Unfortunately I have a cautionary tale about differences in schooling. I have a friend who attended state school whilst sibling attended private, not for compelling medical reasons like you, but the outcome was the same. The child who attended private has a high flying professional career, my friend a very ordinary career earning much less. This has caused huge resentment and a rift in the family in adult life.

I suppose what I am saying is you must do what you think best, but please be careful.

Does DD have an EHCP? If she does it independent settings can be funded via that. If DD doesn’t have an EHCP you should apply. Not only can it fund such provision but it can provide therapies that DC wouldn’t otherwise receive.

How old is DD? If she is compulsory school age and can’t attend school you don’t have to home school. The LA must provide alternative arrangements e.g. home tuition. I know you say college rather than school, but I thought I would mention it in case it is a 14-16 programme or similar.

your 3 children are all individuals. it is treating them all equally to expect each one to do their best at the local state senior school, but to be open to moving to a paid alternative if that doesn't work out. if you would bd able to manage if DDs 2&3 also have serious problems with the state school and need private then go ahead. If you would have to ignore or deprioritise DD2s needs because you are spending everything on DD1 then yabu. otyerwise yanbu.

It’s not awful at all. Explain to the other children that oldest dd has to go to a different smaller school that will support her needs. Like a pp says it costing money is neither here nor there. That’s not why you’re choosing it- you’re choosing it as it best suits dds needs. I wouldn’t ask the other kids their opinion, it’s not their decision. Older dd is unwell and has different needs to theirs. I would frame it as a smaller school which caters for children with certain needs as opposed to framing it as a private school

We currently have one in state school and one in private for very similar reasons. My eldest (the one in state) has no issue with his sister being in private (v small, around 120 kids from age 3-17). He is old enough to understand the reasoning behind it, which helps, but I would imagine most siblings would be understanding if they can see the difficulties your child is having.

Unfortunately for us it hasn't solved the problem, we still struggle to get her to attend, but at least we have a school with is understanding about it and keen to work with us to help, whereas her previous state school was just too big (about 1800 kids) to take the time to treat her as an individual rather than a number.

Hope it works out for you, it's really hard.

We did

DC1 state primary, state secondary, RG uni
DC2 state primary, private from year 2, state secondary, private 6th form
DC3 private from reception, state secondary and we'll cross the 6th form bridge when it comes to it

I wouldn't. Your eldest is undoubtably getting most of your energy and attention with her illness, don't compound the imbalance by spending most of the family finance on her as well. Don't give your other children the message that the only way to deserve more than "good enough" is to develop and eating disorder, or self harm in some other way.

DS went to private school but years later we paid in full for DD (state school educated) to do a Masters. Neither was jealous of the other. We gave them what they needed.

Thanks so much for the responses so far. I appreciate every single one.

for added context - the only local state school remotely viable is now full. They won’t take us. We are Scotland so you have to apply out if catchment and that needs local spaces. The other local state schools aren’t great at all - I don’t mean that badly but large, with lots of issues and some kids move to our own local secondary as it’s seen as smaller

the private college is tiny, it seems to be for kids who can’t cope in large schools or perhaps who have failed exams or have learning needs. When I say tiny, I mean forty kids in total. That has downsides too and there are no clubs/sports teams/orchestras and all the benefits of a large school. But that seems academic to me now (sorry for the pun!) as DD has dropped out of all activities anyway due to her anxiety.

I am definitely not doing this for a “better” education; only so she can achieve an education. (We did view the large and highly “successful” independent girls school and decided it wasn’t right for her either).

I am worried about the transport option. She will need to take the bus. Often with DH or I but alone too. On balance I think it will be ok.

as an aside, I now wonder if she is on the autistic spectrum, but anyone who knows her tells me this is impossible. It’s just the overwhelm of a large school that has me wondering plus the food issues. She is adamant she doesn’t want an assessment and doesn’t want to be “different” and I am respecting that for now. I don’t fully understand ASD and there seems a large overlap with anxiety and anxiety is rife in my own family so I’m waiting this aspect carefully.