To consider educating one DC differently (private)

[BeethovenNinth]

We have three DDs. Live in a small place with a good enough secondary but post pandemic there are lots more issues. All are/were happy at local primary, thrived, including my eldest. My eldest does have a learning difficulty in one area, however.

our eldest hasn’t settled at secondary. When I say hasn’t settled, she developed anorexia in her first year at secondary that we managed to nip in the bud (as much as you can). She still had disordered eating and is highly anxious. She has been self harming. Incredibly withdrawn after school. She doesn’t like the chaos of it, has been upset by some alarming behaviour from other kids (who have major issues. It’s hard to unpick fully. Her friendship group seems complex. I believe much of her issues stem from school (possibly also trauma when younger due to a medical issue). Home life is pretty good.

she now can no longer attend the school. She can’t go near it and we are fumbling along trying to home school as we work. She is on a wait list to see the school counsellor who has seen her briefly a couple of times but she cannot even get into the school building now. She is seeing a private counsellor.

now she isn’t at school she is much happier - eating, no self harm, smiling, managing to see family again etc. It has been a horrific two years for the family so I will do anything at this stage to make this right.

we have been exploring other schools and have found a very tiny college in a nearby city. It’s the same price as private school. She thinks it is right for her and a friend’s child is doing well there.

but we are struggling, financially, to send our other DC privately. DH and I are now arguing. My view is our eldest has been seriously ill and is now not receiving an education at all. DH thinks she should “sort herself out”, whatever that means. We are well off financially at present but his pension is tiny and we are playing catch up. My DH is older and I share his concern - he will or should be retired by the time my youngest is in secondary. I work part time and could at that point shift to full but I’m not sure it is enough.

So we are left with the potential conundrum. is it awful only to send one DC to what is effectively a private school? If the others really struggled at our state school we would somehow manage with them too but it would similarly be a last resort.

has anyone else done this? Have the other children been ok as they have aged? I would hate this to split the siblings apart as they are close. My middle child is eleven, very smart and astute and can see the hell that’s it been. FWIW I think my other children would likely be okay as I believe my eldest’s issues are largely around post pandemic anxiety, her leaning issue and possible other factors.

thanks so so much for any experiences

That's such a silly comment, It's not giving that message at all. Her daughter is not getting an education, she needs to find a way for her to get an education and to get the support she needs. The only message she's giving to her other children is that we are right behind you and we'll do everything in our power to help you regardless of what it takes. To say to her daughter, there's a great school for you but we'll let you carry on struggling because it costs money is far more damaging than sending her to the right place for her. It is not disadvantaging her siblings in any way at all, it's reassuring them that their parents will do the best for them. Nobody is going to develop an eating disorder and severe anxiety to punish their parent and the OP has said that if her other children need something else they'll look at the needs of that child

Do you have a child with anorexia @Authorisatingarchibald ? I do (medical not nervosa). I know how much our household revolves round him when his weight is dropping, how much of our time is spent trying to keep him stable. I also know what it's like to be the "easy" child, the one that's "no problem" when a sibling needs more, and more, and more - that was my childhoodfrom 12-18. So you may not agree with me but my advice comes from bitter experience.

Not anorexia but ASD / ADHD, school phobia and other conditions. Our lives have been hugely improved by ensuring that said child is in the environment which works for them and that has meant paying for education for many years and having them in an environment where they thrive and can be the best version of themselves in a way that is not damaging to their mental health.

And the knock on effect is that the other children get what they need at home as I'm not dealing constantly with an unhappy, depressed child having meltdowns and unable to get to school in the morning. They're living in a calmer house with me having time for them which is otherwise spent on their sibling.

My DDs both went to state secondary, a really fantastic girls school.

DS started at the local mixed state secondary. It was an awful experience for him and really damaged his mental health.
We moved him to an independent specialist school. We discussed funding it ourselves as we were so desperate but the LA agreed to fund.

There’s no resentment from my DDs.

I’d send your eldest to this private college if you’re sure it’s the right one for her, but start working full time again myself from now rather than waiting until your DH is retired, so that there might be potential for your younger DC to have money spent on their schooling too, if that’s best for them.

It's worth exploring ASD in girls - it can present really quite differently in girls and women - they often mask it very cleverly. We had no idea that dd was autistic, despite our eldest ds having a diagnosis since age 7 - she gave every impression of thriving until it all fell apart. My sister and I are both very anxious people and I suspect we are both on the spectrum (we both have dc with an ASD diagnosis) - it often surfaces as mental health difficulties in women and anorexia is a common comorbidity.

In your circumstances I would send one private and hope she gets the additional help and support she needs.

Yes, I would do this. I think your eldest is in dire need of help so I'd put her whenever you think she can get that.

It's impossible to say how the other siblings will react. I'd like to think that they wouldn't feel resentful. If my sibling had been put in private school I'd have been happy that they are getting the help they need but we've always had a good relationship and I never felt that our parents had a favourite. In fact my parents do try to help us as much as they can (including financially) and I think neither me nor my sibling keeps score. However if the family relationship has got issues then putting one child in private school and not the others then it might breed resentment. And I'm not sure if that is something you can completely control (how they will feel about it).

We are in a slightly similar situation in that we changed our eldest school to private in year 3 as she wasn't happy in her old school and we thought she would do better with smaller class sizes and more individual attention. I really want to our younger one to go to the local comprehensive (which we were actually very happy with) and I think he's got the right personality to thrive there or maybe even do better. I worry though that he will resent it later or think we are unfair.

Plenty of people from state school (including me and DH) have high flying high paid jobs, your friend didn’t end up in her low paid job because she went to state school. She sounds like a jealous and bitter person.

Anyway OP I’d send her to the private if you can and also look into whether you can get any job there that could give a fee reduction. So staff get 5% (or nothing) off, others get 50-100% off fees. Worth looking into.

Good luck!

Thanks again all.

robin it’s a fair point but DH is the main earner and his job is full on so with two younger DC I couldn’t yet go full time without it being very tough. (We have no nearby family). In a few years it might be different.

bigmad it’s an interesting point. I developed anxiety during uni. I don’t think I’m autistic although like many people I have one or two autistic traits. It must be very hard to differentiate anxiety and autism at this age? But I will explore again with my DD if things settle.

In normal circumstances I’m anti-private education and would certainly never send one child private and another state. However, these are very special circumstances and I think you’d be entirely justified in sending here there. It’s either that or no education for her, which is unthinkable.

I just wanted to add another voice not to dismiss ASD. My DD is almost 14 and just diagnosed. No issues until year 8.

Our world at home, and also hers at school, collapsed. Fortunately it is now hard but manageable as we adapt home and school to remove as many anxiety inducing triggers as possible.

Ironically her ASD was missed by two Ed psychs previously - it's so hard to pinpoint in girls.

My kids get what they each need. Equality isn't each having the same. It's having what they need.

Do check the school actually suits with a trial session if possible. Two of my brothers went to a very local private school for not dissimilar reasons for a few years, although one moved to grammar and the other to a small more rural comprehensive once the money ran out. The rest of us that stayed in state didn't begrudge it at all in fact we were pleased not to have to go (parents couldn't have afforded all and there was no equivalent mixed sex or girls locally anyway). The main reasons we preferred to have been in state school were firstly no Saturday morning school, secondly a shorter school day with less sport, and thirdly a bit less homework.

Thanks again. My issue is now DH who doesn’t “get” MH issues. I have spoken to a counsellor myself to understand the anorexia and anxiety. I need him to do the same.

if anyone has any more experiences then I would hugely welcome them

to anyone who has gone through similar, I send love and best wishes as it’s v tough

I’m one of 4 and we all went to different schools - one state comp, one grammar, one expensive private school, one much cheaper private school.

Our parents chose the best option for each of us based on what we needed and what was best for each of us and manageable for the family: to the best of my knowledge there has never been any drama or resentment between siblings about it.

So I’d support you sending your daughter where she needs to be.

FWIW it does sound like autism to me: anorexia, self-harm and anxiety are very common co-morbidities in girls. I have an autistic anorexic sister and what you wrote felt very familiar.

The waiting lists for assessment is very long (could be a couple of years) so honestly I would put her on the list regardless of what she thinks right now, at least then you’ve got the clock running. In a couple of years if she doesn’t need it you just don’t take the appointment.

It does sound like your DH is not “getting it” - is there any kind of support group in your area where he could discuss with other adults? Maybe hearing about how long term and devastating these issues can be would help him see you have to do whatever it takes right now to help your daughter.

i don’t want to upset you, but I will say that my sister is in her 30s. She lives with our parents as she can’t cope alone, is hospitalised roughly once a year when her weight becomes dangerously low (she’s been sectioned many many times for emergency treatment) and then spends a few months at a time in eating disorder units. She has made multiple suicide attempts. She has never done a degree, had a job, or a relationship, is now unable to have children, and I fully expect to take on care for her once our parents are too old.

Your husband needs to understand that this is not some kind of childish confusion or stubbornness - this is potentially something that could destroy her life and would have a massive impact on the whole family.

If we could go back in time we would absolutely send her wherever we thought might help.

I have one DC at state and one at independent private, never intended to do that but was gut feeling that was right place for them. And was right they are thriving , other DC at state doing very well too and would not like the pressure of selective independent.
One DC has anxiety, school were good for them , best thing worked was right medication through GP and getting done 1:1 counseling through GP too

my sons autistic and was mute in his class of 35 (!)

we sent him to an independent school and he’s thriving….he loves order routine discipline and peace and he gets that.

Your children are not starting from a level position, she needs support.

If it’s more of a college than a school, why even tell your kids you are paying for it? They don’t need to know the ins and outs of the family finances, just send her to the collage and if they ever ask why she went somewhere different just say it was to help her get better.

Your husband not ‘getting’ mental health issues and claiming she should ‘sort herself out’ is a problem. A big one.

My lovely friend with an autistic son and other children who are ND has tried pretty much every school in town state and private. It’s a very different scenario when one is so obviously struggling I wouldn’t even raise it as an issue with the others. If they grow up to be even half decent adults they will appreciate your situation and not whine.