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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother living with us for free

38 replies

Aredadsallowed2 · 22/02/2023 07:48

Hi I'm not sure if this site is just for mums but I thought I'd join to ask advice I live with my wife and 2 kids I work nights and my wife works days has it's easier on childcare.... recently my wife's brother has moved in due to a really bad relationship breakup he's 37 works part time iv told my wife we should charge him board and iv kept it minimum to £20 a week or £80 a month for use of water gas etc my wife says I'm being unreasonable due to what he's going through I know alot of us are in the same boat due to the c.o.l but she's washing his clothes cooking and cleaning up after him when she's also got 2 young kids to sort....I tidy round put washing on etc to wind down before going to bed for 4 hours so I can do the afternoon reception pick up kids are 4 and 5 any advice would be great

OP posts:
Arthurflecksfacepaint · 22/02/2023 07:53

He should be paying his way and as he should be cooking and cleaning up after himself as he’s an adult and especially as he works part time.

If he’s every around in the afternoons would you trust him to pick-up the children?

I worked nights for a long time to save on childcare - I know what it’s like getting a few hours of crap daytime sleep then having to do the school run, it’s not as easy as people think so I feel for you.

Blablablablablablab · 22/02/2023 07:54

can you chat to him directly? A couple of hundred a month would be more appropriate. He also needs to pull his weight with chores.

Doingmybest12 · 22/02/2023 07:57

For me I think it depends how long he is staying and other issues he has going on but mainly length of time. Staying for a couple of weeks I wouldn't expect to have a financial contribution, would expect him to be a thoughtful guest thought. A longer period would expect £ to cover costs and some help around the place. I would want an idea of how long this is going on for and a plan to move on.

Blablablablablablab · 22/02/2023 07:59

Actually yes depends how long he is staying for. A couple of months and I wouldn’t ask anything. Longer and I would request he pulls his weight.

stairgates · 22/02/2023 08:02

Yes he should pay a bit and really he should have offered.

Dyrne · 22/02/2023 08:07

You need to all sit down and figure out how long this situation is going to last.

Short term, while he recovers from the shock of a relationship ending and needs some time to find his bearings to get back on his feet; I wouldn’t dream of charging my brother to stay with me (though he’d likely buy some food etc to chip in anyway).

Longer term, he definitely needs to contribute more formally to the household budget and have a firm plan for getting back out on his own.

I’d also mother him for a bit in the first weeks or so; but after that he’s an adult and he should be doing his own damn laundry and doing a fair amount of the cooking.

ButterCrackers · 22/02/2023 08:08

He needs to be paying for his stay at yours. Work out how much he’s costing you and ask him to pay up. If he doesn’t then he can stay somewhere else. Tell him that you are both working day and night to get by and can’t afford to be paying for him too.

LookItsMeAgain · 22/02/2023 08:24

While what he is going through is very emotional for him and a bit of an upheaval for the rest of you, he is an adult and as such, should definitely be contributing to the bills. He's availing of heat, water, electricity, broadband at the least (which he isn't paying towards at the moment) and perhaps food that he is.

You need to first have a chat with your wife to get her onside and then have a chat with your BiL and say that he is welcome to stay and if it's for a short time, then the contribution will be X amount per month, and he can do a funds transfer to a joint account. If he's going to be staying longer, it'll be Y amount.

JMSA · 22/02/2023 08:27

I wonder if his relationship failed because he wasn't pulling his weight there either ...

Eddielizzard · 22/02/2023 08:29

Of course he should be pulling his weight. I'd be anything that being a lazy, entitled twat is why his last relationship broke down, and this sort of behaviour should not be pandered to.

TrashyPanda · 22/02/2023 08:32

Of course he needs to pay his way.

AGoldenNarwhal · 22/02/2023 08:34

JMSA · 22/02/2023 08:27

I wonder if his relationship failed because he wasn't pulling his weight there either ...

I'd wonder this too. He's an adult living in a household with other people. He needs to contribute financially and practically or sling his hook. I'd start with a financial contribution, picking up the kids on non-working days and taking his turn cooking. You and your wife shouldn't be looking after and funding a third "child".

worried4698643 · 22/02/2023 08:42

Crashing for a few weeks until he finds his feet, I wouldn't charge. I would expect him to pitch in with the household though.

Original poster
Aredadsallowed2 · 22/02/2023 08:47

Sorry I forgot to add he's been living with us just over 2 month iv sat and asked him how long he thinks he'll be staying and his answer is when he gets himself back on his feet....I wouldn't mind if he offer to do the school run from time to time or sit the kids so me and the wife can have 1 of those rare date nights etc but it's not happened yet is it too soon to tell him to pay up or pack up ?? I dnt want to seem insensitive

OP posts:
MyPurpleHeart · 22/02/2023 09:19

'When he gets back on his feet' isn't much of a timescale for you to go on so I think you need to ask for some board. That could be 6 weeks or 6 months

LookItsMeAgain · 22/02/2023 09:25

@Aredadsallowed2 - when he said "when I get back on my feet" did you ask him what he is doing to get himself to that point? I mean he's probably nursing his wounds from whatever break up he had but how long will that take?

I'm going to say it - I think you have a DW problem. She probably isn't likely to insist that her brother pays or contributes to the household. She probably isn't likely to insist that he help out ('he's a guest and he's family' I'm going to suggest). So I think you have to get your ducks in a row and work out what you think would be reasonable and present it to her and then you both present it to him.

I'd also be thinking along the same lines as @MyPurpleHeart - by saying what he said, it doesn't give you any sort of timescale. You're not suggesting that you are going to be kicking him out tomorrow but if you could all, as a family, have some sort of understanding as to how long this might be going on, you can at least plan for it.

I'd be mulling over in the back of my mind what I'd be thinking of doing if he was there in 4 months time and in 8 months and still there a year later.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/02/2023 09:25

Can he not put his clothes into the washing machine and switch it on? And do some for the rest of you?

Do some shopping?

Clean the kitchen?

Wash the floors?

Now he's in, you'll have a job getting him out.

PS: Referring to 'the wife' is incredibly disrespectful. She is a woman, not an object.

Divebar2021 · 22/02/2023 09:26

He’s not a “little brother” is he because if my experience is anything to go by they are very indulged in the family.
If he’s going to stand any chance of getting back on his feet he will need a full-time job ( or a second job) so that would be my suggestion going forward. He should be job hunting now and if he isn’t I’d be worried he’s there for the long term.

StuntNun · 22/02/2023 09:28

If you don't want to ask him for "rent" you could always ask him to pay for a takeaway once a week. That would help you financially and relieve some of the pressure of the extra workload another person is putting on your household.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/02/2023 09:28

For a few weeks I wouldn’t charge but for longer you’ll have to, as you can’t afford to support him as a dependent.

Re the tidying up after himself he should absolutely do this. Plus look about for things he can do to make both of your lives easier, cooking, washing up etc

Don’t “tell” your wife what needs to happen though, discuss with her, or speak to brother yourself re tidying

Arthurflecksfacepaint · 22/02/2023 09:39

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/02/2023 09:28

For a few weeks I wouldn’t charge but for longer you’ll have to, as you can’t afford to support him as a dependent.

Re the tidying up after himself he should absolutely do this. Plus look about for things he can do to make both of your lives easier, cooking, washing up etc

Don’t “tell” your wife what needs to happen though, discuss with her, or speak to brother yourself re tidying

I disagree with this.

If this was me and dh moved his grown adult brother or sister in and she was taking the piss and he was banging her, I would absolutely be putting my foot down and telling them it was ridiculous and what I expect. It wouldn’t have got this far for me.

My 21 year old pays £250 a month rent to us and cleans up after himself.

It’s expensive to feed another adult and have one living in the house.

Arthurflecksfacepaint · 22/02/2023 09:40

Omg not banging her 🤣🤣

I meant babying her. That would be a whole other thread.

Fraaahnces · 22/02/2023 09:42

Oooooh no… he pays his way or fucks off. Wonder why his relationship broke up….? (Parasite much?)

PleasantZen · 22/02/2023 09:42

He will never want to get back on his feet if you are giving him free rent and basically a hotel service.

AGoldenNarwhal · 22/02/2023 09:49

I agree with @Arthurflecksfacepaint . 2 months! You're a saint. I flat out refuse to have another adult staying in my house for more than 2 weeks. And I really don't see how needing to 'get back on his feet' means he can't do any chores in the meantime and needs his sister to 'mummy' him.

Unless his ex was doing all this shit for him so he's used to having an unpaid live-in maid? And he thinks his sister will do as a replacement until he can source a new one?