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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is unreasonable?

67 replies

AuntySandrasDauphinois · 21/02/2023 22:01

Spouse A does not drive. They would like to take a job (not their dream job by any means) which requires Spouse B to drive them there and pick them up. It would be about 20 minutes one way. Additionally it is in an area which gets traffic disruption frequently. Should spouse b support them by doing this?

This is a big ask surely? Obviously I am spouse b but I can't be doing with rewriting it 😂 IABU for this but surely not for the driving thing?

OP posts:

C4ou56 · 22/02/2023 07:05

I have cPTSD. It doesn’t effect my driving but it does effect what jobs I can apply for. As an adult I am doing what I can to minimise the impact on my family, including attending counselling.What is your OH doing to overcome his PTSD and the significant impact it has on his driving ability?Another key issue is the fact he hasn’t involved you in the decision making process or sought your permission in relation to applying for a job that would have a significant impact on your life.

It sounds like it’s time for him to start managing his cPTSD more effectively and for you to both work on the lack respect he has for you.As others have said if he gets the job he need to look at independent transport, such as a scooter

Bayleaf25 · 22/02/2023 07:48

YANBU. It’s too much on a regular basis.

He needs to take responsibility and do any of the previous suggestions:

learn to drive
public transport
electric bike or scooter
public transport + folding bike
or find a different job

Daleksatemyshed · 22/02/2023 09:12

I don't drive, I've only applied for jobs I could reach by public transport and he needs to do the same. Bugger being unsupportive Op, he thinks he's entitled to your time and you'll be completely tied down every week day by his work hours. If you go back to work full time it won't be practical either.
I'd tell him if he takes the job then it's down to him how he gets there but you driving isn't an option.

Soontobe60 · 22/02/2023 09:12

Is he registered as disabled? If so, then I’m sure theres some kind of financial support that would help him with this. But if not, then he needs to be the one making the journey by whatever means he can - independently!
Maybe suggest you’ll take him once a week? And get an electric bike, its a game changer.

Original poster

AuntySandrasDauphinois · 22/02/2023 11:15

Thanks everyone. He's absolutely raging at me today about it so it's useful to have the thread. Hopefully he won't get the job and then it can't be an issue!

OP posts:

GoodChat · 22/02/2023 11:17

He's raging at you because you don't want to drag your kids out of bed ridiculously early to take him to work?

You say you study but he doesn't fund you - how does that work?

Daleksatemyshed · 22/02/2023 11:28

How dare he rage at you, his sense of entitlement is ridiculous. Time to be less of a pushover @AuntySandrasDauphinois , if you don't stand up to him there will always be something he expects you to do for him.
I imagine he thinks he's the important man going out to work and you are his ever grateful support human. 😤

Guis · 22/02/2023 11:56

If he has PSTD he may think he wouldn't get a driving licence granted. Which may well be true. I don't know what happened to him but it is a terrible condition to have. And you have to have gone through something awful to have it.
He wants to earn a living of some sort.
Help for disabled people ( which is what he is presently ) is called Access to Work. I don't know the details but look under Gov. uk and find /phone ask. Grants are available and he might be able to get help with travel to work. It might not be so, but unless you ask you don't know.

PaigeMatthews · 22/02/2023 12:05

No. He needs an electric bike or moped. Or a wfh job.

Ndhdiwntbsivnwg · 22/02/2023 21:34

Get a bike Spouse A

TheFretfulPorpentine · 23/02/2023 11:17

AuntySandrasDauphinois · 22/02/2023 11:15

Thanks everyone. He's absolutely raging at me today about it so it's useful to have the thread. Hopefully he won't get the job and then it can't be an issue!

Whether or not he gets the job, you still have a bigger issue i.e. your husband thinks he owns you 24/7.

OnGoldenPond · 23/02/2023 19:39

My work journey on public transport takes an hour and a half and involves 20 mins of walking. I'm no spring chicken either.

Tell your DH to just get on with it. The walk will get him fitter as well.

Everydayimhuffling · 23/02/2023 19:49

OP I don't drive (i know, Mumsnet sin) and I wouldn't ask this of DP. I walk, take the bus, take taxis or don't go to things. DP gives lifts when he can, and I am grateful. I would never take a job i couldn't get to myself. Your DH is being unreasonable.

soboredtonight · 23/02/2023 20:09

Unless this job is going to be life changing for you both, ie you'll never need to work again then no he needs to learn to drive or learn about how to get there without you taking him.

SinnerBoy · 23/02/2023 20:19

If he uses the bike, it will help cure his Self-Entitled Lazyfatbastardis.

OnaBegonia · 23/02/2023 21:10

I already drive him once a week (at 5.30am with both kids)
would I fuck drag my kids out of bed to ferry a grown adult about.

dammit88 · 25/02/2023 06:20

Is the job more money? Would it give you as a family a better standard of living overall? Life better for the children? Is it mentally a better role for him? Or a good stepping stone for the future? There are so many things to consider. There are circumstances I would willingly do this for my husband, and there are circumstances I wouldn't. What is good about the job?

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