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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is unreasonable?

67 replies

AuntySandrasDauphinois · 21/02/2023 22:01

Spouse A does not drive. They would like to take a job (not their dream job by any means) which requires Spouse B to drive them there and pick them up. It would be about 20 minutes one way. Additionally it is in an area which gets traffic disruption frequently. Should spouse b support them by doing this?

This is a big ask surely? Obviously I am spouse b but I can't be doing with rewriting it 😂 IABU for this but surely not for the driving thing?

OP posts:
Undermyumberellaellaella · 21/02/2023 22:24

He needs to grow up and find a way of getting there himself if he actually wants/gets the job.

What's he going to do if you're stupid enough to do this and the car is in the garage for whatever reason? Or when your Ill and don't want to drive 80 minutes+?

He sounds like a knob. But you shouldn't do this for him.

Emmamoo89 · 21/02/2023 22:25

Yanbu

Merryoldgoat · 21/02/2023 22:40

I think the fact he doesn’t see how unreasonable a request it is the most bizarre part. How can anyone think this is a reasonable long-term solution?

I’m guessing he sees you as a factotum.

Why on earth are you driving at 5.30am with kids as well? Fuck that.

Cherrysoup · 21/02/2023 22:42

He needs a moped and his CBT.

Original poster
AuntySandrasDauphinois · 21/02/2023 22:44

Merryoldgoat · 21/02/2023 22:40

I think the fact he doesn’t see how unreasonable a request it is the most bizarre part. How can anyone think this is a reasonable long-term solution?

I’m guessing he sees you as a factotum.

Why on earth are you driving at 5.30am with kids as well? Fuck that.

That's the thing that made me post I was really doubting myself. He is so convinced that if I was a supportive spouse I would do it. So often recently tho he has been calling me unsupportive and I just feel like everything I do goes unnoticed so why do this as well! Thankfully he asked me via text, if he had said about it face to face I would probably have said yes.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/02/2023 22:47

Good god, that’s so unreasonable of him!

I’m assuming these are preschool kids? He’s not expecting two school age children to be got up at 5.30 and dragged to and from his work every day? They’d have trouble concentrating at school woken up that early. Poor things at any age though!

Do you work too? Or is he saying “oh you’re a SAHM, I bring in all the money, you have to facilitate me”? It’s unreasonable either way but just trying to understand the depths of it.

Youraccountisnolongervalid · 21/02/2023 22:55

I’m a non driver (which found out over the years that is one of the most frowned upon things on MN) I would never expect anyone to take me anywhere especially not everyday.

junebirthdaygirl · 21/02/2023 22:58

If he was the sole worker in the family l would do it. If you have to get to work yourself and drop dc to creche then the answer is no!

Before l went to work every day I dropped my dc to school 20 mins away..all through Primary and Secondary and back again in the evening maybe twice if one had evening study.
Is this job going to open up opportunities for your family?

Pinkypurplecloud · 21/02/2023 23:00

It’s completely unreasonable to expect you to do that, especially with kids in tow. But it wouldn’t necessarily be unreasonable to want to move somewhere where he had easy access to public transport/job opportunities.

Is he currently employed? How does he commute now?

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 21/02/2023 23:05

Why has he applied for a job which he can’t get to? Seems a bit….silly? He needs to look nearer home, or get some sort of motorised transport ( by which I do not mean an unpaid chauffeur)

XanaduKira · 21/02/2023 23:07

BillyMack · 21/02/2023 22:02

Not a chance. At least 80 minutes drive a day. Fuck that.

I agree with this.

Original poster
AuntySandrasDauphinois · 21/02/2023 23:10

I am studying. He doesn't financially support me. So like, I could do it, I just don't want to. It would waste a lot of the time the kids are at childcare and I can get studying done.

And I feel like it sets a bad precededent. I want him to apply for something he could get to himself. What if I want to go to my mums or something.

Previously when I have said no to lifts (all of about twice) he has been outraged and then brought it up later in arguments so he clearly does feel i should be driving him about without question.

OP posts:
XanaduKira · 21/02/2023 23:11

Fuck that Op, you're not his personal chauffeur.

WineIsMyMainVice · 21/02/2023 23:14

F**k that!!!
no way!!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/02/2023 23:14

Would be a big fat no from me

Ponderingwindow · 21/02/2023 23:14

I think the situation is more nuanced than others are making it out to be. What are the alternatives for employment? How will the pay at this job compare to the pay at a job that doesn’t require this commitment from the driving partner?

Will the household be significantly better off with this arrangement even though it requires participation from two people instead of just one?

Tinkerbyebye · 21/02/2023 23:39

A gets the bus, or sorts his rusty bike out. And learns to drive

WentForAWalk · 22/02/2023 00:00

I lost my licence and had to get public transport to work. I'd never have asked my DP !

He's taking the piss.

WombatsAndGumTrees · 22/02/2023 00:41

Generally speaking, that would be a no from me. However, the wider context does matter. If spouse A has been unemployed for a while and the family is desperate for income, I might suck it up for a bit, until a better arrangement can be made, or a different job found. It depends on so many additional factors but, in general, it's a no from me since it's expected to be longer term.

Aria999 · 22/02/2023 01:20

Tell him it is unsupportive to expect you to take 45 minutes out of your very busy day to act as his chaffeuse.

He is being a grade A dickhead.

TheFretfulPorpentine · 22/02/2023 01:52

Spouse A can get on his bike, use public transport, have an account with a reliable taxi firm....the point is he needs to get himself to work without relying on other people, because that's what grown-ups do.

Rainbowshit · 22/02/2023 02:00

Would be a no from me unless there was absolutely no alternative.

Emptycrackedcup · 22/02/2023 02:02

A needs to learn to drive

Canuck48 · 22/02/2023 02:29

Nope! Not happening on this end either. The occasional lift, sure but every day, nope! If he doesn’t drive he needs to figure it out.

I have c-ptsd. Driving is affected. I deal as I need to get from point a-b. No one else will take me so I have to. Transit where I am sucks monkeys balls so it’s a no go and my mental health is even worse on it so, I drive. I deal as I am an adult and have to deal with adult shit including my mental health.

Is he taking meds and counseling for it? If not, he needs to, if so, he needs to address his driving triggers and get in with life. As a family with children you can not expect the other half to be your full time chauffeur. It’s not feasible with young children and adult activities blended in.

ukholidayseeker · 22/02/2023 02:32

Correction. Spouse 'a' CAN'T drive...!

Spouse A needs to go for jobs they can get themselves to.

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