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AIBU?

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Original poster

Frustrated by DP’s lack of drive

55 replies

ItsAVibe · 21/02/2023 21:37

Been with DP for four years, both have children and do not live together for financial reasons, we cannot afford to buy a house the size we require, in the area we have to live in (schools/exes). It would be more practical and nice to live together and we both speak about it frequently.

I work long hours in a pressured job so I do struggle to find the time to see DP whilst having the responsibility of my children and home to run. I have worked very hard to move up the rungs in my career, whilst being a single parent and no further education. I didn’t like struggling for money and worrying about the future all the time. I am not at the top of my career yet but I am working towards it and I want a decent pension.

DP quit his high pressure job after his divorce and took a more family friendly role with less more flexible hours. He has a qualified skill/degree (unlike me) and the relevant equipment which he could use to freelance and bring in lots of money, which he has done in the past. He is now on a low income with universal credit top up, like I used to get. He can’t pay for so many things, we have never been on holiday as he won’t accept me paying his half. I missed out on holidays when I was skint so I end up going without him nowadays.

He has talked a lot about getting back into his career or freelancing. But he never actually seems to do any of the things he says he will. He just plods on, same job, same income, looking at ridiculous mansions on right move and playing the lottery every week. He works part time hours so has so much more time on his hands than I do but never seems to do much with his time. I even found him some extra work but he appeared to think it was a bit beneath him so he hasn’t taken up the offer.

We have a decent house deposit (saved separately no joint finances) but we still can’t get a mortgage with our combined salaries, his is half of mine. When we met he was full of ideas and motivation, then COVID hit and caused a delay but it’s not lockdown anymore.

I’m not going nag him, I’m not his mum but it’s frustrating. He doesn’t really seem happier having quit his well paid high pressure job because now he has a low income. I have just accepted we aren’t moving in together but I am starting to resent hauling all my clothes a few times a week in my car boot.

what’s the best approach here?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 21/02/2023 21:59

Dump the loser

Astrak · 21/02/2023 22:02

As previously stated. Dump him.

nutbrownhare15 · 21/02/2023 22:04

Do you want this to be your life for the next 20+ years. I'd move on.

TomatoSandwiches · 21/02/2023 22:06

Leave him to it and find someone more compatible.

89ghud · 21/02/2023 22:07

A bit suspicious he opted to reduce his income (dramatically by the sounds of it) after divorce, not providing as much for his children, I'd struggle with that first and foremost.

Dotcheck · 21/02/2023 22:08

Is there any chance he’s slowing down with work while his kids are young? Is he prioritising time with his children?

validnumber · 21/02/2023 22:09

Does he have full custody of his kids or spend loads of time looking after them in his spare time?

Blablablanamechangagain · 21/02/2023 22:10

Dropped his salary to avoid paying CM

Claiming UC but has "house deposit savings"

My arse

Original poster
ItsAVibe · 21/02/2023 22:41

Ok I will clear up the assumption, CM is absolutely not the issue he has 50/50 split so dropped hours to make sure he sees his children. Neither of them pay maintenance to each other and it’s all completely amicable in that respect and he doesn’t owe his ex wife any money. He could work more, when he doesn’t have the children

OP posts:
Original poster
ItsAVibe · 21/02/2023 22:43

Blablablanamechangagain · 21/02/2023 22:10

Dropped his salary to avoid paying CM

Claiming UC but has "house deposit savings"

My arse

He has equity, that would be a deposit. He has a small mortgage

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 21/02/2023 22:47

You've got yourself a plodder, at best.

Original poster
ItsAVibe · 21/02/2023 22:48

Dotcheck · 21/02/2023 22:08

Is there any chance he’s slowing down with work while his kids are young? Is he prioritising time with his children?

Yes and I appreciate that, but he often has set days in a week where has no children with him and he has no sought work on those days and neither does he seem to do an awful lot of anything productive tbh

OP posts:
Danneigh · 22/02/2023 00:20

This would get on my nerves. Simply that he can't afford things when you can and want to holiday etc. That would be a deal breaker for me, the fact that he's not bothered about sorting it out either.

Ihadenough22 · 22/02/2023 03:24

You have been with this man for 4 years. He has a degree or higher education that lead him to a good job. A few years ago he left this job to go PT because of his kids. So now he working PT and getting universal credit.

Meanwhile you have worked hard to get to where you are. You got off universal credit and are moving up the ladder work wise. You saved up money to buy a house with him.
Due to his lower income you can't buy a house together that would suit both of you and the kids you have.

You tried to get him extra work but he felt it was beneath him. You have made suggestions re work to him that would suit him minding his kids. Has he not realised that unless he up's his income your not going to be able as a couple to buy a bigger house?
Along with this working PT means he has very little spare money so you can't go on holidays or go on expensive dates.
I think that after 4 years he should be working towards improving his income so you can go on holidays as a couple and so say in the next say 2 years you can buy a house to suit you all.

In your situation I would be consider telling him that your not happy with the way things are at the moment. Ask him when is he planning to do more work to bring up his income?
Just say then that until he brings up his income you not going to be able to afford a house suitable for you all.
To be honest he seems to be happy to plod along but he has no long term plan. Not only that but as his kids get older it gets more expensive to bring them up.
Does he think that your in a position to carry him, his family and a bigger house for you all?

After you have this conversation with him I would give him till X date to have more work. Unless he gets more work l would end things with him because long term he is not willing to change things to keep you in his life.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 22/02/2023 03:27

Ge sounds like a boring dud, sorry.

There's a whole wide world out there!! Why are you limiting yourself to him?

Hidegard · 22/02/2023 03:40

It's absolutely ok for you to want a partner who prioritises a higher income so you can live together, over having lots of free time to do not a lot.

It's absolutely ok for him to want to prioritise having lots of free time to do not a lot, and consequently living separately, over earning enough to get a shared house/mortgage.

Both those desires are valid. But they may not be compatible. That's ok too. People get together and stay together happily because either they are naturally compatible, or they are both willing to make shared compromises to prioritise the relationship- and each other - and on that basis reach compatibility.

If neither of those apply, then there's very little chance of a happy, equal relationship. That's ok too - it's likely to be sad and disruptive if you realise that and need to make changes or end things. But it's not a personal failure or anything, just an awareness of whether you're compatible long term.

DanceMonkey19 · 22/02/2023 03:42

89ghud · 21/02/2023 22:07

A bit suspicious he opted to reduce his income (dramatically by the sounds of it) after divorce, not providing as much for his children, I'd struggle with that first and foremost.

^^ This.
It doesn't speak well of his character. OP has said he doesn't even work on the days he doesn't have the children. Ugh. I'd throw him back for that alone.

Itsallok · 22/02/2023 04:29

Looking at mansions and playing the lottery but too lazy to work more. Nope. Would be a bin for me

rwalker · 22/02/2023 04:59

You both want and are happy with different things nether of you are wrong

he works has his kids 50% get by ok not sure I’d describe him as a loser like some posters

MarshaMelrose · 22/02/2023 05:08

Some people aren't ambitious and are happy to get a lower wage to be out of the rat race and have a better quality of life. I think that's a valid choice. But he's gone further than that and has chosen to live off benefits rather than put in a full weeks work. I find that to be very unattractive. If he worked hard and still needed benefits, I'd be ok with that. But he's actually made a conscious decision to get benefits to support his lifestyle.
Is this the sort of man you want to share your life with? You working ever harder to get a good standard of living and he's sitting round the house half the week, choosing to not go away for holidays and breaks, to not to do anything because he can't afford it, to not have money. That's sound a very boring and tedious life for you and all the children.
You can surely do better than him.

StarsSand · 22/02/2023 05:09

Dump him.

It sounds like he's trying to avoid CM. What a prince.

SnowAndFrostOutside · 22/02/2023 05:50

I would not call him a loser for wanting a better work life balance and more time with kids. It is very sexist and many women chose that.

However you aren’t compatible in your life goals. What if it’s reversed and a women’s partner wants her to find a better job, longer hours even if the PT suits her mental health and her kids?

There is nothing wrong with either of you. You just want different things in life.

rothbury · 22/02/2023 05:57

Sounds like this one has run its course?

Besttobe8001 · 22/02/2023 06:07

There's nothing wrong with him. He's just not for you.

You'll be an idiot to stick around and try and change him.

Time to move on.

Ladybug14 · 22/02/2023 06:14

He wants more time with his children and less work stress. That's very reasonable

It's not making you happy, so get rid and move on

Btw doesn't he have equity in his current house? To put down as a deposit which would mean it'd be easier to get the required mortgage?

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