Page 2 | Frustrated by DP’s lack of drive

ItsAVibe · 2023-02-21T21:37:41+00:00

Been with DP for four years, both have children and do not live together for financial reasons, we cannot afford to buy a house the size we require, in the area we have to live in (schools/exes). It would be more practical and nice to live together and we both speak about it frequently. I work long hours in a pressured job so I do struggle to find the time to see DP whilst having the responsibility of my children and home to run. I have worked very hard to move up the rungs in my career, whilst being a single parent and no further education. I didn’t like struggling for money and worrying about the future all the time. I am not at the top of my career yet but I am working towards it and I want a decent pension. DP quit his high pressure job after his divorce and took a more family friendly role with less more flexible hours. He has a qualified skill/degree (unlike me) and the relevant equipment which he could use to freelance and bring in lots of money, which he has done in the past. He is now on a low income with universal credit top up, like I used to get. He can’t pay for so many things, we have never been on holiday as he won’t accept me paying his half. I missed out on holidays when I was skint so I end up going without him nowadays. He has talked a lot about getting back into his career or freelancing. But he never actually seems to do any of the things he says he will. He just plods on, same job, same income, looking at ridiculous mansions on right move and playing the lottery every week. He works part time hours so has so much more time on his hands than I do but never seems to do much with his time. I even found him some extra work but he appeared to think it was a bit beneath him so he hasn’t taken up the offer. We have a decent house deposit (saved separately no joint finances) but we still can’t get a mortgage with our combined salaries, his is half of mine. When we met he was full of ideas and motivation, then COVID hit and caused a delay but it’s not lockdown anymore. I’m not going nag him, I’m not his mum but it’s frustrating. He doesn’t really seem happier having quit his well paid high pressure job because now he has a low income. I have just accepted we aren’t moving in together but I am starting to resent hauling all my clothes a few times a week in my car boot. what’s the best approach here?

StarsSand · 22/02/2023 06:21

I don't buy the time with children thing. She said he has days off work without the children and does nothing with that time.

Paq · 22/02/2023 06:47

I just don't think you are compatible. How old is he?

Original poster

ItsAVibe · 22/02/2023 07:36

He’s in his 30’s and he has a great skill, he’s talented. He says he wants to do all of these things but then never does them. He is like this about everything. He has had a bad back for over a year and has never done anything about it. I am starting to think he believes things just happen to you, like you wake up and your back pain is gone, or you suddenly find some money, not that you have to do the work. It’s like his drive has completely gone - he wasn’t like this before. I’ve asked him if he might be depressed and he doesn’t think he is.

Whenever I see him he’s super tired because he tends to stay up late watching TV or playing games and I’m up from 6.30am working a long day (and I keep my house fairly clean and tidy) and he’s still fast asleep when I leave, with a very messy house. For this reason I am not even rushing and pushing to move in as I don’t think I could live with him like this, I would be so resentful to come home every day to a mess.

I know I sound unreasonable in that he wants to be with his kids and I don’t expect him to put them in childcare and suddenly start working 60 hours a week but he is not proactively doing anything to change the situation. I don’t think he wants to move in with me tbh but doesn’t want to tell me!

OP posts:

89ghud · 22/02/2023 08:11

Dropping his income to the extent he needs a UC top is not great parenting in my opinion when he was earning much more, and yes I would absolutely say the same to a woman.

FloydPepper · 22/02/2023 08:24

SnowAndFrostOutside · 22/02/2023 05:50

I would not call him a loser for wanting a better work life balance and more time with kids. It is very sexist and many women chose that.

However you aren’t compatible in your life goals. What if it’s reversed and a women’s partner wants her to find a better job, longer hours even if the PT suits her mental health and her kids?

There is nothing wrong with either of you. You just want different things in life.

I think this

do you think he stepped back due to stress and is now happier with a better balance? Many people change their priorities after a divorce (and not to avoid maintenance as many poster’s immediately assumed).

however if you want a partner who is career driven, and he now prioritises balance, you may not be suited.

FloydPepper · 22/02/2023 08:26

ItsAVibe · 22/02/2023 07:36

He’s in his 30’s and he has a great skill, he’s talented. He says he wants to do all of these things but then never does them. He is like this about everything. He has had a bad back for over a year and has never done anything about it. I am starting to think he believes things just happen to you, like you wake up and your back pain is gone, or you suddenly find some money, not that you have to do the work. It’s like his drive has completely gone - he wasn’t like this before. I’ve asked him if he might be depressed and he doesn’t think he is.

Whenever I see him he’s super tired because he tends to stay up late watching TV or playing games and I’m up from 6.30am working a long day (and I keep my house fairly clean and tidy) and he’s still fast asleep when I leave, with a very messy house. For this reason I am not even rushing and pushing to move in as I don’t think I could live with him like this, I would be so resentful to come home every day to a mess.

I know I sound unreasonable in that he wants to be with his kids and I don’t expect him to put them in childcare and suddenly start working 60 hours a week but he is not proactively doing anything to change the situation. I don’t think he wants to move in with me tbh but doesn’t want to tell me!

Although reading this it does sound a bit like depression…

positivethoughts1 · 22/02/2023 08:31

Have you communicated any of this to him? Posts on MN always baffle me when the other party hasn't been asked about the situation.... I've been guilty of that too. Talk to him, tell him what's on your mind.

lazycats · 22/02/2023 08:35

Shoxfordian · 21/02/2023 21:59

Dump the loser

Good ol' Mumsnet, where no relationship issue is solveable and divorce is the instant answer.

daisychain01 · 22/02/2023 08:45

He has a qualified skill/degree (unlike me)

I'd have to judge someone who has been to university, has a trade or a skill, has all the advantage (along with being a man) that many others don't have and has chosen to resort to UC, that's a disgrace. Can he really do no better than that? You must feel really let down.

Original poster

ItsAVibe · 22/02/2023 08:56

I have been giving him leeway in that I am not sure if he’s depressed. I also try not to nag him about his own life. His house and money is his problem not mine. I am just carrying on working and saving for my own sake, my life is the same as it would be without him. I don’t want more kids but I thought we would have made some progress on from ‘dating’ by now! I do feel disappointed and I have communicated it to him and he got very upset and broke up with me saying I deserved better. We are a good team in some ways so we gave it another go. I am frustrated as we have the potential to have the things we say we want.. we just have to work to get them and he can’t seem to be bothered to

OP posts:

StarsSand · 22/02/2023 09:21

I judge anyone, man or woman, who is university educated and capable of working but decides to sit at home playing video games claiming UC.

That's not what UC is for. What an example for his children.

If he has depression he should get diagnosed and treated. If he's not willing to do that I don't think he deserves any sympathy or leeway.

Nooyoiknooyoik · 22/02/2023 09:24

SnowAndFrostOutside · 22/02/2023 05:50

I would not call him a loser for wanting a better work life balance and more time with kids. It is very sexist and many women chose that.

However you aren’t compatible in your life goals. What if it’s reversed and a women’s partner wants her to find a better job, longer hours even if the PT suits her mental health and her kids?

There is nothing wrong with either of you. You just want different things in life.

Exactly.

But if you’re irritated by him now, imagine how you’d feel if you were living together. So prob best not to do it.

OverTheRubicon · 22/02/2023 09:35

I disagree with @rwalker @Ladybug14 and@SnowAndFrostOutside - there is something wrong with taking a step back and working part time while kids are away if you're taking benefits to do it.

Totally different if he was content with the lower income and didn't need topping up, or if there were health, caring or skill/capability reasons that meant he couldn't earn enough to live properly on without support. But it isn't fair for him to dream of mansions while he chills out and gets OP and the rest of our tax money to keep him on his (seemingly not even that happy) chilled out path.

Daleksatemyshed · 22/02/2023 09:35

It sounds like you're the one making all the effort to see him even though you work more and that is now wearing thin with you.
He's got used to having little money but lots of time, and didn't change when you broke up so I can't see him suddenly wanting to change his life for you.
It's been four years Op so I'd move on and find someone who wants the same things that you do

Paq · 22/02/2023 09:39

I think you have fallen into the trap of wishing something to be true when it just isn't.

I think you will be better as friends.

Hohoholdthesherry · 22/02/2023 09:39

As is often said on here, it doesn't really matter what he says, the issue is his actions (or inaction). And that doesn't work for you.

You have to decide what you want on the basis of how he is, not expecting him to change. It doesn't sound like you're compatible, tbh.

Oblomov23 · 22/02/2023 10:45

Waster, tired, up late playing video games. FFS OP wake up and smell the ☕️ .

Itsallok · 04/03/2023 02:17

Yes it can't possibly be laziness - must be depression! Or an illness. Some people ARE JUST LAZY!

Merlott · 04/03/2023 02:56

Bin him. You two are not compatible. You want different things out of life.

Also you don't come across very well here. He dropped hours to spend more time with his kids, great for those kids. Trying to force him to work more and see his own children less is not a great look. Have a think about that being reversed.

Oblomov23 · 04/03/2023 05:45

Just a freeloader. Get rid. Will cause future resentment.

I have the opposite problem, Dh is very driven, wakes up with the joys of spring, after a weeks work, does all food shopping, batch cooks, household tasks, ironing, fixes gates/sheds/whatever, washes his car and makes us all breakfast, whilst me and ds's are still in bed asleep. It's a good job he is though, because whilst I'm Uber organised, but I often only do what needs to be done. My medical condition can be hard to live with. Without him, his drive, his balance to carry me, I'd struggle.

GoodChat · 04/03/2023 06:52

OP don't move in with him. It's all well and good buying a bigger house (if you could find an affordable one) but it sounds like he's comfortable with the status quo. It won't get better because he's not unhappy.

Jimboscott0115 · 04/03/2023 06:53

I'm a man so a slightly different & but not all that much - perspective.

I'd have completely lost respect for anyone in his position who claims benefits through his choices. It's sponging in his situation and he's a freeloader. UC is an absolute lifeline for many people and so it should be, but people like your partner are taking the piss.

I can't stand the guy already and I've only read the OP!

Jimboscott0115 · 04/03/2023 06:59

ItsAVibe · 22/02/2023 07:36

He’s in his 30’s and he has a great skill, he’s talented. He says he wants to do all of these things but then never does them. He is like this about everything. He has had a bad back for over a year and has never done anything about it. I am starting to think he believes things just happen to you, like you wake up and your back pain is gone, or you suddenly find some money, not that you have to do the work. It’s like his drive has completely gone - he wasn’t like this before. I’ve asked him if he might be depressed and he doesn’t think he is.

Whenever I see him he’s super tired because he tends to stay up late watching TV or playing games and I’m up from 6.30am working a long day (and I keep my house fairly clean and tidy) and he’s still fast asleep when I leave, with a very messy house. For this reason I am not even rushing and pushing to move in as I don’t think I could live with him like this, I would be so resentful to come home every day to a mess.

I know I sound unreasonable in that he wants to be with his kids and I don’t expect him to put them in childcare and suddenly start working 60 hours a week but he is not proactively doing anything to change the situation. I don’t think he wants to move in with me tbh but doesn’t want to tell me!

Judge a man not by what he says, but what he does. Forget the words, they mean very little.

Right now your partner claims benefits so he can play video games rather than work properly, he sets a crap example to his kids re work ethic and I assume they get limited 'fun' activities too due to lack of funds? Is he playing video games late into the night etc when he has the kids?

He sounds like a bit of a loser. Depression or otherwise, it makes no difference - his whole moral compass is skewed and he sounds a bit of a loser tbf.

Itsallok · 04/03/2023 06:59

Jimboscott0115 · 04/03/2023 06:53

I'm a man so a slightly different & but not all that much - perspective.

I'd have completely lost respect for anyone in his position who claims benefits through his choices. It's sponging in his situation and he's a freeloader. UC is an absolute lifeline for many people and so it should be, but people like your partner are taking the piss.

I can't stand the guy already and I've only read the OP!

well said

RunTowardsTheLight · 04/03/2023 07:13

I agree with others that this is unattractive. I have absolutely no problem with people claiming benefits, but it's different when someone has the free time and skills to work and is choosing to claim benefits instead.

You say he wasn't like this before? But what was different (as it sounds like he's been in this position for a while)?