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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell social services about child running away?

30 replies

ctp97 · 21/02/2023 18:05

DP was in a relationship with a woman from when her child was a few months old until he was 9. They got on well and DP was his father figure, he came here a few times then his mum stopped it and told SS (I'll be referring to him as that for the purpose of this thread) that DP didn't want to see him, I think he was about 12. He then started living with a family member and he started visiting once a month. Until about 18 months ago, he messaged DP and told him he wanted to live with him, DP didn't do anything as he didn't think he'd be allowed custody of him as they aren't related and he lives about 2 hours away so he wouldn't have known anyone around here and it’d mean a new school etc.

He came here about an hour ago and said he wants to speak to DP, said he's in foster care which he hates so he's come here without them knowing. I told him social services/his foster carers need to know where he is (he said they think he's with his friends) and I was going to call social services, but he got upset and said he isn't going back so he'll run away again etc. So I haven't called them yet but I'm not sure the right thing to do.

DP won't be back until 8:30 and by then his foster carers will be wondering where he is etc but if I do now he's potentially going to run away again (as he's said he will) and go somewhere unsafe, he doesn't know anyone else in this area.

Just to add, he's 15.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Gingerbreadcandle · 21/02/2023 18:09

You need to let his foster carers know as otherwise they will report him missing to the police.

DaisyDays123 · 21/02/2023 18:09

Do you want to take this boy in and look after him? Could you tell him that by contacting SS they will arrange for him to stay at yours for bit?

Mumof2amazingasdkiddos · 21/02/2023 18:10

Explain to him that you won't at this point give his Foster parents your address but you do need to tell them that he's safe. I'd then get DP home as soon as possible to speak to SS as I assume they have a closer bond than you and SS (with no offence meant, clearly you have a bond too as he's come to you both for help) if he wont agree to notifying his foster parents of safety and not location then I think you need to do it discreetly behind his back. Best wishes OP it's a tricky situation x

Letstaketotheskies · 21/02/2023 18:13

Sit him down. Give him a mug of hot chocolate and some dinner. Tell him his stepdad is coming at x time.
Ask him how he’s doing with his foster home. Let him talk if he wants to talk.
When your husband comes home, have a chat and see if he’s up for having him stay the night, if foster parents give permission.
Suggest this to SS - we are happy for you to stay here tonight IF you let us call foster family and they are ok with it too.
Let him talk.
I’m not saying you should volunteer to house him etc. But he’s clearly struggling and he’s just turned up far from home because he’s desperate. Don’t force any decisions of any kind tonight. Feed him. Let him talk. Let people know he’s safe.

Letstaketotheskies · 21/02/2023 18:18

And if he doesn’t want to tell his foster family then is there anyone else he would tell - his social worker? The local police from his area?

bellac11 · 21/02/2023 18:18

As long as no one knows where he is, he is considered a missing child. Even if you speak to the foster carers/SSD and say hes with you but wont give your address he will be 'missing'

You are also at risk of harbouring a missing looked after child. Its not a good look for you

Im surprised this child came into care without a family group conference, which would have called on all the significant adults in the child's life to look at making plans for the child, either to keep them safe at home or to provide alternative carers for him rather than him coming into care. Was your partner not invited to a meeting?

Danneigh · 21/02/2023 18:25

What an awful situation for him, I wouldn't want to break his trust but I know that's not the right thing to do. I'd maybe wait until DP comes home and let them speak. He was basically his Dad for 9 years so it can't be easy to forget about that.

Letstaketotheskies · 21/02/2023 18:31

Don’t make any promises you can’t keep, but make him feel welcome and safe. He says ´You can’t tell my foster carers I’m here’ you say ´sit down, have a toasted cheese sandwich.´
Your position is : he’s welcome at yours and he is safe at yours, but you will need to let someone know tonight where he is and that he’s safe - you’re not able to hide runaway youngsters from social services or Police. If you end up with him fairly happy and settled at yours for the evening and you need to give his local Police station a call to let them know where he is, then that’s a pretty great outcome for the evening. They might well do a welfare checkup.

bellac11 · 21/02/2023 18:34

Just to add that he may misunderstand the missing process. At his age no one is going to force him physically to go anywhere. A lot of children who go missing and turn up at friends or family think that they are going to be forced to go that evening back to placement

Unless OP is running a crack den (and she doesnt mention this in her OP), then the police wont be in a position to say he isnt safe in OPs home, he wouldnt be police protected and as I say, at his age he wouldnt be forced out of a house anyway.

He might not know this. He isnt in trouble, but his carers and social services (it would be the OOH workers now) need to know where he physically is.

WentForAWalk · 21/02/2023 18:36

You need to call the police in his area, and speak to EDT (out of hours social workers) in the area he lives in.

Your local police might come for a welfare check, but at 15 they will just check he is okay. He can refuse to go with them, and you can say you will have him over night.

His social work team can pick it up in the morning. Do you know of he is sec 20 or on a full care order?

Favouritefruits · 21/02/2023 18:40

Poor lad, it sounds like he needs someone in his corner, why not be straight up with him and show him you care by saying ‘I’m going to ring the local police to TELL them you ARE staying here tonight’ at 15 the police won’t care and his social team can help in the morning, show him you’ll fight for his needs and you want him, he must feel so unwanted.

MuggleMe · 21/02/2023 18:52

Look into private fostering if you think you could look after the boy instead of traditional foster carers.

Redglitter · 21/02/2023 18:54

You need to contact the Police. His foster parents may already have reported him missing. Please let them know where he is. As pp said they'll probably be fine with him staying with you

Original poster
ctp97 · 21/02/2023 19:10

He was taken into care as the relative he was living with was constantly in and out of hospital and it was decided that he couldn't look after SS. He did tell DP but as I said in my OP, DP didn't think he'd be given custody as he's not his bio dad so he didn't do anything which SS was very angry about and told DP not to message him again and to leave him alone which he has.

I don't know if we could house him as I am pregnant and due in a couple of weeks so we wouldn't be able to give him our full attention, but ill have to speak to DP later.

I will call the police for his area, he has said he doesn't want to talk to me but he does seem okayish now, he did get upset and he was going to leave as he was saying DP will tell him to leave etc, I reassured him that he won't and he's currently eating he's dinner

OP posts:
IsItBedtimeYetNope · 21/02/2023 19:17

He has come to you because he trusts DP. That's huge. I know you're due soon but if you can wrangle it so he can stay it could help him heal. I knew someone who was all sorts of problems while she was in and out of children's homes and foster care who turned around completely once she was living with people she considered family (family friends took her in the end). I know your DP doesn't have any custody/contact rights but fostering is totally different rules and he could apply if he wanted to.

The thing is you do need to talk to someone like SS's social worker and let them know where he is, because if you don't, then you definitely won't be allowed to have him later down the line. If they can find an easy placement with someone who knows the boy I don't see why they wouldn't grab at that, providing you both pass the necessary checks, as that frees up the other foster parents for another child.

WentForAWalk · 21/02/2023 19:17

Feel sorry for the poor lad. So much change and rejection from his family (not you or your DP).

You will need to have a chat with your DP about what you do going forward. You would be able to have him full time if that's what you all wanted (subject to checks).

Don't be forced into this. It's a huge decision to make. Maybe you could offer weekends and holidays ? Maybe you will not be able to offer anything at all. That's okay too.

Do contact EDT. Call his local children's service and it will put you through.

Dacadactyl · 21/02/2023 19:24

I'm not sure he will be allowed to stay with you tonight because you won't have been checked out (DBS check etc) Hopefully a social worker will be along soon to clarify.

GoodChat · 21/02/2023 19:27

Ask him for his foster parents number. Tell him you just need to let them know he's safe.

bellac11 · 21/02/2023 19:29

Dacadactyl · 21/02/2023 19:24

I'm not sure he will be allowed to stay with you tonight because you won't have been checked out (DBS check etc) Hopefully a social worker will be along soon to clarify.

No, DBS checks arent needed anymore when children want to stay with friends or family

But OP and her partner would be checked in order to take part in any assessment of course.

Original poster
ctp97 · 21/02/2023 21:54

Thanks all

SS is staying here tonight although I'm not sure what's going to happen tomorrow. Me and DP have agreed that he can stay for a few days if we are allowed and there's no other option - mainly if he refuses to go back - but we haven't told him as we don't want to get his hopes up.

DP spoke to him and he got very upset and said if he's made to go back, he'll attempt suicide and I feel awful writing this but I'm not sure if he meant it or if it was just a threat but as I said he was very upset so he most probably meant it Sad but he is refusing to talk about it anymore so DP has decided to leave it

OP posts:
WentForAWalk · 21/02/2023 22:12

Have you let someone know OP ?

Hope551 · 21/02/2023 22:57

You have to tell them else you will all be in trouble and it will effect them letting you see him in future :( maybe if he is in foster care and he wants to be with you, social can look at contact?

Blablablablablablab · 21/02/2023 23:25

Well done OP, you and DH are the calm in his storm. If you haven’t already contacted foster parents, let them know he is with you and threatened suicide if removed. Explain you’re happy to have him for a few days. Could you foster him longer term?

CupidCantAimStraight · 22/02/2023 00:10

Well done OP; you seem to have handled the situation well.

If he does come to live with you, I would be wary of disrupting his education at this stage (is he in Y10 or Y11?) as switching schools would be very difficult - he'll never find a school running the exact same combination of options and exam boards.

I would be more prone to making a deal with him that if he finishes his GCSEs while living with foster carers then he can come and live with you and attend sixth form / college in your local area, if social services agree.

Social services are generally very keen to make use of "kinship care" as an alternative to foster care, but you should give careful consideration to the level of support you'll receive as kinship carers (not much as it turns out, nowhere near what his foster carers are currently receiving). frg.org.uk/ is a specialist charity for kinship carers.

Wasywasydoodah · 22/02/2023 00:24

If you can’t have him full time, think about offering regular visits/respite care. That can help a young person stay in their education and foster placement, while giving them a break.

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