Feeling awful about DS being teased because I’m fat.

[Mum1976Mum]

I’m fat. Very fat. A size 24. I’ve always been overweight but I had to go through fertility treatment for years. I also lost 10 babies before managing to have my 2. All the drugs and miscarriages and losses took their toll on me. I have terrible joint pain which I have just started a course at the gym to help and am trying to lose weight but finding it tough.

I’ve always had low self esteem but have been happier and more confident since having the children. I’m a good mum and that validated me somewhat. I have had terrible mental health in the past but have been on an even keel since having the children.

Today my 8 year old son told me that another boy said that your mum can’t have a baby because she’s too fat. The boy knows nothing about my previous struggles so it was just a random comment after seeing me drop my son off but my son was really upset and cried as all the other boys where laughing.

Honestly, my mental health has come crashing down. I feel so useless being an embarrassment to my children. I knew all my struggles were natures way of telling me I didn’t deserve to me a mum. And I don’t. I know I’m being ridiculous over a comment of a 7 year old child but it’s cut me to the bone.

You are not being unreasonable at all. While this (clueless, rude) 7-year-old said something silly, it hit you where it hurt. You’ve experienced real trauma, and by unfortunate bad luck, this kid has stumbled upon it. You have every right to feel how you feel about this. (Although I Hope that you know, somewhere deep down, that being overweight does not disqualify you from being a good mother).

Are you able to access any support for your mental health?

Honestly I think you nailed it in your last sentence- kids are cruel and it was a comment from a 7 year old to a 7 year old, completely out of context as you rightly acknowledge.
Take the time you need, cry it out and then crucially, rather than letting it knock you, use it as fuel. Fuel to carry on with your gym programme, fuel to eat well, fuel to walk rather than take the car, fuel to take your son swimming and not care what you think anyone else is looking at (not you- they’re all too absorbed in their own thing). You get the idea; flip it from a negative to a positive.

Kids will always say horrible things unfortunately. If they weren't making fun of your weight, it would be something else to hurt your DS's feelings.

Pay it no mind. Of course address your weight / health issues if you so wish, but don't let remarks by insignificant kids affect your mental health.

He’s seven. Ignore it, or use it as a motivation to lose weight. Either talk to the people supporting you wirh your self esteem or access some support to help

Actually if some kid said that to my ds and it upset him, I'd make the school aware. Our school has a very strong anti bullying and be kind message. I think kids need to be told that saying things like that isn't ok. My ds is 7 and frankly I wouldn't tolerate him coming out with something so hurtful.

The most I have ever weighed (outside of pregnancy) is 64kg. I have been called “fat” dozens of times. I’ve had it shouted at me in the street, I’ve had it said by my siblings, I’ve had it said to me by countless children at work (I used to be a teacher). I’ve had comments on social media calling me a “tank”. I’ve even seen messages where my partner has complained about my weight. Using “fat” as an insult has no real bearing on your actual weight. It’s like how someone might use the insult “whore” regardless of whether the person is actually selling sex. Or how people use the insult “stupid” even in arguments that have no bearing on intelligence or comprehension. There’s a decent chance the comment would’ve been made even if you were a size 6, still feels rubbish though.

Fertility issues can happen to anyone. I was a 6-8 and my ttc journey was non stop miscarriages with one lucky live birth in that time.

But it does take a toll on the mental health. You feel broken and guilty and all sorts of sadness. And that's what's triggered you today.

Be kind to yourself. The kid is a bully - they find anything to be cruel. If it wasn't your weight it would be that you have glasses or an old car or wear green. You could have been a supermodel and the kid would find something to bully your child over. So remember that.

My childhood bullies all got in touch independently of each other at various times in my life to apologise. Turns out their home lives weren't all that great and they envied me. So that 7yo might be a little cruel shit and hurting your child but it could be that he's jealous that your son has a wonderful loving mum for example. I'm not saying you should give him a pass - not at all - reporting it to the school might help set that kid on a kinder path.

Thank you everyone for being so kind. I’ll let it spur me on with my healthy regime and just be glad that my children wouldn’t just say something randomly mean to someone.

Kids are mean, and if they want to be mean they will find something, I was teased at school for having freckles, another girl was teased because she was ginger, my sister was teased for her name, my daughter got teased because of her choice of a lunchbox. They will literally find anything to tease about, unfortunately this time they chose your weight, but if you wasn't 'fat' they would just find something else, so the problem is with the children, not you.

Definitely make the school aware, nip any bullying in the bud before it properly starts. And remember there's more to you then your size and your body, I'm sure your a wonderful mum and have many other great attributes, focus on those and not the one thing that makes you feel bad about yourself.

When ds told his mate my name he sneered and said it can't obviously be that! Dc can be little tactless buggars op.

My name is probably rare in England but not ridiculous!

Sorry you are going through this OP.

I had one of DH’s friends son’s saying he hated me and called me fat at a similar age. It was absolutely cutting. I can still remember how I felt and it was over 10 years ago now.

He did it as he was annoyed as we were leaving a camping holiday early due to my DH’s work commitments. It was in front of both of his parents, another family and my family. No one said anything to him, it was an awkward silence and we just left. I was close to tears most of the way home and for a goodly awhile afterwards. I was also fat but it still really hurt.

In this boys instance I think his misogynistic dad (we are no longer friends with them) will have said similar about me at home as he was annoyed DH didn’t always drop everything to go out for a pint in a ‘tit for tat’ night out based on his wifes busy work social life. As we often did things as a family, also saw DH’s family who would visit for a weekend or we visited them for a weekend (as they lived away).

OP I wonder if you have maybe confided anything to any school mums and they have repeated this in front of a gobby nasty 7 year old? Either way try and put this horrible bots comments behind you and stay strong.

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I work with kids and they always go through cycles at various ages where fat is the insult of choice(probably because it's not specifically a bad/swear word and they see it in books,use in writing etc) especially when younger. While sometimes it can absolutely be "accurate " I've also seen it aimed at kids/parents that are a perfectly normal weight or even skinny.

Can your DS hold his own and was this a random one off comment or does the teacher need to get involved ?

I’m so sorry for your losses. That must have been so horrific to go through.

You know yourself you want to be a healthy weight and are doing something about it. That’s fantastic. You’re doing what so many can’t do - taking control of your life and getting fitter. You should be proud of yourself.

Kids talk nonsense all the time. They are hurtful. They don’t know what they are saying. Ignore and continue with your weight loss plan. Plenty of advice on here, which I too am taking as I’m doing the same as you!

Soon you will see the results of your efforts and know that no more children will be saying that stuff any more as you will be dropping dress sizes and looking your best and won’t be overweight.

Seven year olds don't say things like this without hearing it from somewhere else.

I'd be speaking to his mother and telling her that whomever told him this needs to mind their own business, and perhaps consider keeping their AWFUL opinions to themselves considering you have had to run a gauntlet to be the amazing mother you are.

Kids are cruel because they don't know any better.

Adults are cruel because they want to be shitbags.

Kids say what they see. They will pick on something visual. If it has cut you to the bone let it spur you on to do something about it. Whatever that may be, going it alone to lose weight or seeking help to do so, continuing at the gym, taking control of your diet or any food addictions you may or may not have. You can change this.

Yes they do. Kids can see fat, they know if someone is fat, they don't need to learn what fat is at home. They have eyes. Same if they say someone bald, someone with dwarfism etc. They SEE someone different and they say it.

What they need to learn at home is that they should not comment.

OP, if one carries internal shame it will always find something to attach to. I wasn't fat but I was old (I had DD at 43) and I felt embarrassed about that. Another friend minded not being well off. Another that she didn't have a degree. I came to realise it was nothing to do with being fat or old or poor. It's how we feel about ourselves. That silly, mean comment from a 7-year old would just glance off you if you felt better about yourself. Don't give it more power if you than it needs to have.

This is quite a weird thing for a child to say - if he said “your mum is fat” well that is understandable but “your mum can’t have a baby because she’s too fat” does sound like something he has repeated. Maybe not specific to you but maybe he’s heard an adult say similar about someone else who is overweight. At any rate, he needs to know it isn’t on to say things like that to your son so I’d mention it to the school so they can remind the dc about being kind etc

It’s not about him saying “fat” it’s more about the specific phrase the child used doesn’t sound like something a child would come up with on their own.

I knew all my struggles were natures way of telling me I didn’t deserve to me a mum. And I don’t.

That's nonsense. You DO deserve to be a mum. Don't let a random comment by some kid upset you so much. You could use it as motivation to lose weight, or you can decide you're happy as you are and develop a thicker skin.

He has no idea of the struggles you have had; it was a throwaway comment by him.

Please re-read what the op said the seven year old repeated.

Kids saying someone is is fat, is one thing. A seven year old would not say anything about a mother not being able to get pregnant because she was too fat. They would not know this unless they heard it from someone else's mouth.

Don't be so naive.

Please don't let this comment undo all the confidence you've gained since becoming a mum. I can totally relate to that btw! I'm so sorry for your losses, I bet you're an amazing mum.

You need to demonstrate resilience to your DS (no matter how hurtful and upsetting the situation is) and teach him how to interpret and handle situations like this. You're a brilliant mum, that is all that matters and helping him to navigate this is a really useful skill for him to learn about as there will always be mean people out there.

Tell him that sometimes people say mean things and it can be upsetting, but that kind and happy people don't need to say mean things about other people. The ones that do are either not nice people or unhappy people. And the best thing to do for people like that is just to feel sorry and pity them and know that you are loved and nothing they can say changes that. Tell him it's fantastic that he was able to tell you about it and really encourage him to talk to a teacher if it happens at school. If it's not taken seriously then go in yourself and let them know how upsetting he is finding it - I'm sure they could do some PSE work around it.

You don't need to change for this child if you don't want to, if you had a disability or a skin condition would you feel you needed to change because they were rude about it? You being a brilliant mum has absolutely nothing to do with your size, just help him deal with this in a positive, proactive way and hold your head up high knowing you're a flipping brilliant mum.

Totally agree.

In my case DH’s best friend blamed me as DH was less available (as prior to meeting me he was more available). His dad and the son were both annoyed we were leaving early and blamed it on me even though we had been clear we were having to leave early due to DH’s job. Hence his sons comments.

In OP’s case if the boy had just said she was fat its not nice and not appropriate but the rest sounds like he is repeating what he’s heard another adult say.

Yes I agree, but it wasn't necessarily something said about the OP.
I'm sure we've all had conversations in front/with a child where what we said and what the child took in weren't the same. eg I remember saying that "I hadn't got money to buy" something at the shop, and was politely taken aside at school and asked if all was okay because dd had told them we had no money for food. What I'd actually meant was I hadn't got any money on me at that moment.

He may have heard a conversation where someone said they were losing weight because they wanted to try for a baby. I've heard someone say that and I can imagine a child thinking that meant you couldn't/weren't allowed to have a baby unless you were under a certain weight.

Yes, he shouldn't have said it. But 7yos don't necessarily think about what they're saying. To the child concerned it may have been a factual statement. They'll hopefully learn about making personal comments.
Suggesting to the OP that other parents have been talking about her and making that sort of comment is not helpful to her.