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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be sad about bday gift from mum

67 replies

Volumous · 21/02/2023 11:31

It's my 36th birthday and my mum (62) has sent me a tacky sparkly Happy Birthday candle. It was delivered directly from Etsy. I do like candles but it has no scent, looks unsafe, and no thought has gone into it at all. I wouldn't care if it was anyone else, but it's my mum and I'm find the lack of thought a bit sad. Aibu?

She's always been a bit disinterested in my birthday, hasn't made any effort for years now. Last year she gave me some standard shampoo and conditioner. Useful but not really a gift? To note, my parents are not struggling with money, although the cost doesnt matter to me, I'd be happy with something small and cheap that I'd actually like. But she never asks what I'd like and never listens to me if I ask. For her birthday I get her something nice that she wants and take her for a day out, lunch or afternoon tea or something. She has anxiety and doesn't get out much.

DP's parents and grandparents have clubbed together and given me a voucher for a sports massage because I'm currently training for the marathon. Really thoughtful of them and makes me sad.

OP posts:

54isanopendoor · 21/02/2023 11:38

@Volumous I'm sorry your Mum's gift made you sad. Happy Birthday!
(it does sound like more thought could have gone into it yes x)

Morechocmorechoc · 21/02/2023 11:40

Have you ever told her how it makes you feel? Nothing to lose! Sorry it is a bit rubbish

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 21/02/2023 11:40

It sounds like she's been doing this for a while so I'm not sure why you had expectations that this year would be any different. It's a shame but stop putting the effort in for her birthday and if she asks why, you can tell her exactly how you feel.

Happy birthday

Pinkfart · 21/02/2023 11:41

Happy birthday! I can relate my own DM hasn't bothered to even send me a card for many years, now. She has other children she happily buys for, though.

You're not wrong to expect more thought from your own parent/s. I learnt to lower my expectations, so I wasn't constantly disappointed...

Cococomellonn · 21/02/2023 11:41

I think birthdays and gifts mean different things to different people.

Cococomellonn · 21/02/2023 11:42

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 21/02/2023 11:40

Happy birthday

I also agree with this!

lazycats · 21/02/2023 11:44

Mileages will vary but I think at 36 you kind of need to get over the idea of getting great gifts from parents, especially if you know what they're like already.

WishIWasACavewoman · 21/02/2023 11:44

If she has anxiety, is she anxious about getting the right present? My DM suffered from anxiety, and tends to panic and buy crap. I have a sequence of such gifts! Taking care to buy a thoughtful, personal gift requires a level of confidence that you're reading the person and occasion right, and will choose well. I know in my DMs case she wants to, and when she does have the right mindset is very loving and generous, but anxiety drives her into not knowing what to get, thinking she'll get it all wrong, and just getting something to show willing.

AFluster · 21/02/2023 11:46

It sounds like a mismatch of expectations. If she has anxiety and doesn’t go out much, isn’t there a decent chance that she doesn’t enjoy you getting her a day out or afternoon tea every year for her birthday? But also, you like candles but you don’t like this one? She’s not psychic… And some people don’t enjoy being told exactly what to buy - it feels impersonal and thoughtless.

I’m sorry you’re disappointed but I think you need to change your mindset and the amount of energy you allocate to this rather than trying to change her or what she buys you. Happy birthday!

Eatentoomanyroses · 21/02/2023 11:46

dh has the most loving parents who bend over backwards for him. They barely acknowledge birthdays. Just put some notes in a card. It’s not everything

ReformedWaywardTeen · 21/02/2023 11:47

I'm no contact with my parents now, but I get you on birthday disappointment and it's not about the spend it's about the thought isn't it?

For my sister's 18th, my parents bought her a car. Secondhand I grant you but a car.

For my 18th 3 years before? An Argos, gold, 18 key necklace, on a cheap chain. I don't wear gold jewellery and never have.
To be polite I wore it to their house, it made me itch, and I put it in the pocket of my bag. Got home, it was gone. Thought I best replace it, it was £9.99. Felt even worse and then of course they spent £450 on the car for my sister.

At 21, I got a set of Matalan towels. Hadn't asked for them. Didn't need them, price tag was still on them and it was £15. Didn't even match my bathroom colour scheme. And very impersonal.

Sister got the deposit for her first house, and they paid off her wedding. Around £30k all in.

I think that was the final moment for me that I really didn't count for them. I was already mostly n/c with them. I pulled my mum on it and she called me ungrateful, and denied favouritism.

Original poster

Volumous · 21/02/2023 11:50

I don't expect anything from her at all, but I can't help feel a bit shit when people who aren't even related to me make lovely gestures. And my mum just cba. I'm just fascinated by what her thought process was when she picked that out for me!

OP posts:

RealBecca · 21/02/2023 11:55

People tend to buy the gifts they want. Does she ever buy herself afternoon tea or does she buy herself stuff you would consider to be tat?

If she loves you just accept her for who she is, you know what being a mum is like, she peobablynisnt trying to get you shite.

picklemewalnuts · 21/02/2023 11:55

It's about equity. Either bdays matter and you make an effort, or they don't and you don't expect much yourself.

All you can do is change what you do- ie stop trying so hard for her.

Chickenly · 21/02/2023 11:59

Volumous · 21/02/2023 11:50

Have you considered that her thought process might have been “she likes candles, I know she likes candles, I’ll get her a candle”. Or “she’s training for a marathon so she’s probably in need of a few warm, relaxing baths, a candle will help there”.

I don’t believe for a second that you don’t expect a gift from her - you very clearly do. For starters, people who don’t expect a gift don’t tell people to buy them a gift.

It’s also really rude to say she “just cba” when someone buys you a gift that you just happen not to like. It takes just as much time and effort to book a sports massage as to buy a candle on Etsy so there was no less “cba” involved in the gift you liked.

You’re 36. You’re entitled to be a little bit disappointed when you don’t get what you want and your birthday is a bit of a letdown but you’re pushing into rude, petty and entitled now. Birthday presents aren’t equivalent to love or affection or care.

Original poster

Volumous · 21/02/2023 12:02

@ReformedWaywardTeen Yes there's an element of this in my family too.

I was a geeky and responsible kid, adored animals and desperately wanted pets, but wasn't allowed. Fair enough. But as soon as I went to uni, my younger brother got a puppy for his birthday! He didn't look after it and it ended up being rehomed. I was devastated about the whole situation, it still upsets me. I know my mum still goes to more effort for my brother's birthday now, and also his girlfriend's.

OP posts:

Original poster

Volumous · 21/02/2023 12:04

@Chickenly Sorry that was poorly worded. It should gave said along the lines of I don't expect much, as in material value, rather than not expecting anything at all. In fact, to be honest maybe nothing at all would be preferable.

OP posts:

Isheabastard · 21/02/2023 12:06

I used to get upset about my mums birthday gifts to me. One time many years ago she sent me a mini cafetière for one cup. It wasn’t a bad gift until I realised she had got it practically free by collecting coupons.

I knew I equated her love by the amount of care she took in selecting my gifts. I had never felt much love from her as I was growing up and this became more of an issue the older I got and especially so after I had a child.

As I’ve got older I care less about the presents I get. In truth present buying has become more of a chore than fun, but I make an effort for my DDs birthday because I know it’s important to her.

Some people are just rubbish present givers (eg my husband). We started emailing links to things we liked to save the bother.

If you can rationalise your mother loves you but for various reasons is just rubbish at presents, I think that’s liveable with.

But if it’s for other reasons then, as suggested lower your expectations, or cut back on your presents to her so it feels more equal, or have a word with her or your dad.

Happy Birthday OP!

@ReformedWaywardTeen that is so rubbish and unfair.

Original poster

Volumous · 21/02/2023 12:07

RealBecca · 21/02/2023 11:55

People tend to buy the gifts they want. Does she ever buy herself afternoon tea or does she buy herself stuff you would consider to be tat?

If she loves you just accept her for who she is, you know what being a mum is like, she peobablynisnt trying to get you shite.

Yes true, she buys herself stuff I consider total tat. Her house is stuffed full of useless tat. I did have to ask her a while ago to stop buying me random house tat for Xmas and birthdays (like cushions and awful live laugh love signs) because I hate it and don't have the space.

OP posts:

KindlyKanga · 21/02/2023 12:08

Volumous · 21/02/2023 12:07

Show quote history

Then she possibly genuinely thinks the candle is a lovely gift.

ClaireEclair · 21/02/2023 12:10

My mother in law always buy me rubbish and alcohol that I hate. The genuinely think it’s good stuff though so I never say anything. They would be so upset if they knew I hated it.

Grizzledstrawberry · 21/02/2023 12:13

Wrap it back up and give her it for her birthday, or get her something equally as crappy. Happy Birthday, Hope you have a lovely day.

MatildaTheCat · 21/02/2023 12:19

Actually your last comment does show that she has listened to you- a candle will burn away and not fill your house with clutter.

It does sound as if she chooses gifts anxiously and without thought for what you actually want or need. It may be beyond her capacity to do this which is surprisingly common. Consider how many times a card is sent which is totally not ‘you’ but totally ‘is’ the sender?

Try not to be sad about this. Maybe next time you have a gift giving event you should ask for something specific? ‘Mum, I know I’m a pain to buy for but I’m desperate for these running socks in case you’re wondering what to get?’ Include helpful link. Or specify no gifts please but can we spend the day together/ go for lunch/ see a film?

I understand the concept of thoughtless gifts and it’s very sad as it makes me feel as if that person doesn’t know me at all but the main thing to remember is that they did want to give something even if it wasn’t what you want.

Cordeliathecat · 21/02/2023 12:22

I know how you feel. It’s the complete lack of thought into what might put a smile on your face on your birthday.

I received a £20 Argos gift voucher in a card. The ones you see at the supermarket check out. I have never shopped in Argos. Never mentioned the shop to her. I would have preferred her to not get me anything and just write something thoughtful in the card and not simply “To Cordelia, from mum”.

afinishedkiss · 21/02/2023 12:23

You are 36. Honestly grow up. She has specifically gone onto Etsy and found you a candle she thought you would like. If he house is full of tat she probably thought this was a nice pressie. This took more effort than fucking money into a card.

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