To be sad about bday gift from mum

As pp have said, at 36, it’s time to accept that your mum won’t change, but you can change your mindset on how you react to the gifts.

Knowing it’s going to be silly and not your taste, just do an eye roll and laugh about it. It doesn’t represent anything of the level you think it does.

the fact that she remembers and sends any form of gift is pretty nice I think! Just learn to put it to one side after you’ve had a giggle, then gift it on or give to charity

Im 38 Tbh I would be grateful for a hug on my birthday because anything from my parents means love doesn't matter small gift large or none at all im happy whatever, im happy whatever my siblings do ir don't get because a large number of my friends now no longer have parents and they always miss them. And it doesn't matter birthday or not how many times I take my mum out thats for my pleasure mostly so no point doing it if it becomes a begrudging thing.

It seems that you are BU to expect her to be anything other than what she has made clear she is.

The candle will burn and not fill up your house with tat (as requested). She went to the effort of looking for something 'birthday' themed. You are comparing it to the particularly thoughtful gift you received from your in-laws which makes it seem worse than it is. Sometimes I get lovely gifts from my Mum, other times not so much (e.g. longlife orange juice and a punnet of grapes delivered in a tesco bag!). Your mum might have thought the tacky sparkly candle would give you a bit of a laugh and is a small token to mark the occasion! It's a crap gift, it doesn't mean she thinks YOU are crap! Happy birthday and good luck with the marathon! By the way, this reminded me, when I took up running, my mum got me the thoughtful gift of a rape alarm!!! I live in a rural north Scotland and run in the forest :)

I get why you are disappointed. It's not about being supposedly old enough to not care, or about the kind of present or its value. It's about the thought that someone who should know you well, be interested in who you really are, and be thoughtful enough to try to make your birthday special (as you do to her), doesn't have the ability to do so.

It may be that she just lacks the insight or imagination. (Narcissists are really bad at choosing and giving gifts, because they can't see beyond themselves.)

My mother is like this and just doesn't seem to be able to know or care who I am. The year that my brother got a really expensive gift related to his hobby and I got a cushion cover with a £5 cheque to buy the stuffing myself was a low point. Part of what has helped me, as well as having other people who know, love, and care about me, is grieving what I might have hoped for from her and letting that go. She can't provide that. But others can.

And now I also just save up and buy myself a birthday treat so I can enjoy that too!

This clearly isn't about the candle at all, there's obvioysly a long history with you feel second best to your brother and being treated as such by your Mum.

This.

also if she bought it from Etsy it’s likely she didn’t know the quality of the item before purchasing so may have thought it was a nice gift.

Some people are just not good gift givers or don’t place the same value in gifts as others do and that’s ok. Maybe make your peace with that and accept her as she is. I understand it can be upsetting especially when you put effort in but sometimes some people will not return it.

I also know of situations where some people try really hard with gifts to get little in return of thanks so quit bothering. Maybe that is the case? It honestly just sounds like she’s less bothered about that than you.

I get it, it isn't about the present (it is never about the present!) it's about how it brings up other stuff and reinforces things for you. Even though you know it won't get better you just hope it will, it won't though- people just don't have an epiphany unfortunately and think oh I must be more thoughtful.

All you can work on is what you can control ie your reaction to this and what you do in terms of gifts back. So if you are thoughtful and it's winding you up she isn't then do more to be on a par - but that may not sit right with you so you may want to continue being thoughtful. And then work on not reacting - not easy but doable.

But don't do what I have done ie be overly thoughtful on the basis she will suddenly think oh I must do better - that way disappointment/resentment lies!

I feel your pain OP. Mine is exactly the same, always has been. She will get grotty...and I do mean grotty charity shop items. No problem with charity shops btw. 1 year I got a clothes peg bag...I lived in a flat at the time. Worst one was a grey, used to be white, t-shirt. I'd sooner having nothing at all or a £1 bar of chocolate tbh. It makes me feel as if she thinks so little of me and my siblings.

What did your dad buy you?

I get you OP. My heart breaks each year w my uncle and aunt buy thoughtless crap for my dear gran at Christmas, yet shower each other and my cousins with luxuries. She deserves better.

I think this too.

Etsy is a marketplace that deals mainly with handmade items. It's not as if she wandered down to the pound store and picked something up. She's obviously browsed all the different items on offer and spotted this. I think it's genuinely possible that she really likes this candle and believes that it's a thoughtful gift that you'd like.

In fairness I know quite a few people who might like a sparkly birthday candle from Etsy! I think this is a case of beauty is in the eye of the beholder - and your DM genuinely thought this was beautiful...

I get the disappointment but some people are rubbish gift buyers.

My mum's gifts to me are extremely variable.

I've received a jumper that was a duplicate of one my dad had - he's 7 inches taller than me and man shaped. Only he has worn it.

I had about 15 years of brown or grey clothes from Next in a size 12 i.e. perfect for my sister who loved the shop, suits those colours and is a size 12. No good for me and they go straight to charity shops.

On the other hand, one birthday, not even a special birthday, I received a cheque for £5,000!

No rhyme or reason to it at all.


On the other hand I have a friend who insists on us continuing to gift and she gives us half used toiletries, a used diary, out of date calendar etc. To be honest I fluctuate between cheesed off and amused by it.

So at least your DM made an effort even if it wasn’t well received.

Firstly, happy birthday!

I get the impression that there's quite a back story here, especially as you mention your brother but on face value, you've told your mum you don't like mindless tat, so she's actually taken the time to go into Etsy and found a candle that she thought you might like, as opposed to a cheap one from Poundland or whatever.

You know she isn't great at buying gifts for you, so maybe don't set your expectations too high?

My dad used to just put money in an envelope and whilst I was very appreciative of the money, I was quite disappointed that he didn't make any effort at all, especially as I always did. It's shit but it is what it is.

The gift is also from my dad, but he plays no part. He's currently on a golf holiday and doubt I'll get a message from him until he suddenly remembers at 11pm, or in a few days time.

Well at least she bothered then!!!

I detest buying gifts, especially for adults. The choosing is so stressful.Why

can't everyone be happy with chocolates or flowers!

For her birthday I get her something nice that she wants and take her for a day out, lunch or afternoon tea or something.

I would stop this and just gift her back the candle or something equally lame. See her reaction.

This is very telling. Your mother clearly can’t win.

1. She buys ugly tat for herself so she clearly thinks it’s nice stuff.
2. You said you don’t want her to get things that clutter your house so she got you something that gets used up.
3. You like candles so she got you a candle.

I come from a family where, culturally, we're just not big on birthday. I turned 37 this year and didn't get anything from anyone apart from my husband and a friend...
Maybe adjust your expectations, what really matters is how she is as a mum all the other days!

I'd be more upset with your dad, why are you having a go at your mum when at least she's made an effort? Gift giving is always something that women always have to take the blame for.

How is she with you in general? My mum is awful at buying gifts, its a real chore for her, but she's a great mum in other ways so I'm not bothered. She just gives me money now.

Wow what a back story.

Your mum is just a bit of a twat really.

I wouldn't read any more into it than that. There's no twat test to take before becoming a parent y'know.

Go live your life and reduce the amount of space all this takes up in your head. The past doesn't define you, and the way you're treated by family of original also doesn't define you.

Happy birthday.

Is it a loose candle or is in a container? It seems a bit strange unless it happened to look better on the website (which is very possible) and your mum would be disappointed that what she thought she was buying wasn't what actually got delivered to you. You know the way that some people think they are buying furniture for their use only to get dolls house sized furniture to be delivered to them? Maybe she thought it would be delivered packaged nicely and would look nice but when you got it, it was in a plastic bag and not anything like what she saw on the website?