9 year old daughter’s behaviour

Childbeingreallybold · 2023-02-21T11:01:03+00:00

I don’t know what to do with my 9 year old daughter. She behaves perfectly outside of the home. At home her behaviour is unmanageable. She punches and kicks her sister, me and my husband. Screams. Tells us to shut up. Calls her sister names. We take TV time away but it seems to make no difference. This is going on a long time. I have a family party this weekend and I intended to travel with her and her sister. My husband can’t come because he’ll have to work. I have said she isn’t coming after a bad outburst last night. I feel like she needs a real consequence. Is it the right thing to do? she’ll be very sad about not coming. When she’s not misbehaving she’s a fantastic loving little girl. But we need to deal with this.

AFluster · 21/02/2023 11:05

Clearly taking away TV time isn’t having an impact so I think you need to try something else. Personally, I wouldn’t have said she’s not coming to a family event but now you’ve said it, you must stick to that. She clearly needs consistency and boundaries so saying she can’t go and then changing your mind would be awful.

I think she needs a much firmer hand from your OP. What would make a difference to her for discipline? Is there sufficient praise when she does things well? Does she have enough control over her life in areas where she’s mature enough to do so?

Original poster

Childbeingreallybold · 21/02/2023 11:08

Thanks AFluster. I feel like we were doing well. She does chores, she gets loads of praise.
The issue is that her temper is explosive. And she just loses it and hits and calls names But then afterwards she’ll want to hug and she’ll say she’s sorry.
It happens so frequently now it’s a real issue.
I know she will expect us to relent on this. It’s a big party. But I feel that maybe it’ll waken her up to consequences
On the other hand I feel like it’s also very harsh.

OP posts:

Ohdearnotagain76 · 21/02/2023 11:09

What's her anger like at school? I personally wouldn't punish herby not taking her but I would sit her down and explain why her actions are inappropriate and then explain what future consequences will be sticking to them ridged. I believe that at 9 even if she's masking other things she should be held responsible for her actions. If you think she's masking something I'd make a appointment with the senco at school and the doctors, even if it doesn't go anywhere its atleast logged. Also do you spend any 1.2.1 time with her and does your DH, do you spend time as a family?

Original poster

Childbeingreallybold · 21/02/2023 11:15

Whenever I’ve met any teachers in school it’s as if they’re describing a different child. She’s quiet, compliant.
At home she has massive energy. She’s much more dominant that her older sister.
we probably don’t spend enough time as a family - both have crazy jobs - but it’s not too bad. She gets lots of time with us.
I just think that maybe it’s important I stick to this consequence. I’ve said things like this before and never followed through

OP posts:

Original poster

Childbeingreallybold · 21/02/2023 11:16

Ohdearnotagain76 · 21/02/2023 11:09

What's her anger like at school? I personally wouldn't punish herby not taking her but I would sit her down and explain why her actions are inappropriate and then explain what future consequences will be sticking to them ridged. I believe that at 9 even if she's masking other things she should be held responsible for her actions. If you think she's masking something I'd make a appointment with the senco at school and the doctors, even if it doesn't go anywhere its atleast logged. Also do you spend any 1.2.1 time with her and does your DH, do you spend time as a family?

See I think I have done this. Loads of time. I feel like now I have to go with the big consequence.

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Martinisarebetterdirty · 21/02/2023 11:17

Girls have a hormone surge between 8 and 9, my 9 year old is very very hot headed, she can’t help it, she’s 9 and hasn’t learnt how to manage her emotions properly. She doesn’t hit though but she will shout and create havock. We’ve talked about it and she knows she isn’t in full control. Agree with firm boundaries. Have you tried weighted blankets?

Original poster

Childbeingreallybold · 21/02/2023 11:23

Martinisarebetterdirty · 21/02/2023 11:17

Girls have a hormone surge between 8 and 9, my 9 year old is very very hot headed, she can’t help it, she’s 9 and hasn’t learnt how to manage her emotions properly. She doesn’t hit though but she will shout and create havock. We’ve talked about it and she knows she isn’t in full control. Agree with firm boundaries. Have you tried weighted blankets?

Yes. Tried weighted blankets. Didn’t work for her. She didn’t like it.

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Ohdearnotagain76 · 21/02/2023 11:23

If you think not taking her is the right way then go for it. Who would look after her? Do the extended family know how bad she is? Just thinking maybe the shame would help.

Original poster

Childbeingreallybold · 21/02/2023 11:37

Ohdearnotagain76 · 21/02/2023 11:23

If you think not taking her is the right way then go for it. Who would look after her? Do the extended family know how bad she is? Just thinking maybe the shame would help.

She’d stay with her Dad. He can work from home.

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danni0509 · 21/02/2023 11:42

Maybe hormones.

My ds is 9 and a nightmare with his mouth at the minute. He literally argues with himself. He has autism and adhd too so we are very used to a lot of poor behaviour but it’s kicked up a gear especially with the cheek and upon speaking to his adhd nurse he said they do get hormonal around this time and mood swings go up a notch etc.

Half term was horrendous without the respite of him going to school.

Original poster

Childbeingreallybold · 21/02/2023 11:45

It’s getting me down. She scared me last night hitting me

OP posts:

takealettermsjones · 21/02/2023 11:47

Does she have enough exercise/a physical outlet?

Do you talk to her (in calm periods) about healthy ways to handle anger in the moment?

CharlotteOwlFace · 21/02/2023 11:48

Does she have any potential additional needs? So she masking at school and then it all comes out at home?

I wouldn't cancel a family party for her, no.

bellac11 · 21/02/2023 11:59

I feel differently to others, I think the consequence of not going to the family is no bad thing, unless of course it wont bother her. Although even then at least you'll have the respite from her for a bit

You need to start trying to work out what the sanctions and rewards are that are the most effective. Has she engaged with you on a behaviour plan for example, she clearly knows its wrong to be violent as she is remorseful afterwards and it cant feel that great for her to be out of control when she is. So what would she say needs to happen when she is in the midst of it, what does she want you to do, what strategies does she want to try

Whats her diet like, this can also mix with hormonal changes and lead to poor emotional management. She needs every tool she can get.

AffIt · 21/02/2023 12:03

Does she have enough exercise/a physical outlet?

This, as suggested by @takealettermsjones

My cousin's eldest daughter was highly explosive at that age too, then took up karate, which really helped - she was able to learn to control her 'big feelings' through the discipline and respect demanded by martial arts.

She's now in her mid-teens, at a very high level in the sport (she's on the selection pathway for the national squad!) and an absolutely brilliant young woman. We're all very proud of her.

Original poster

Childbeingreallybold · 21/02/2023 12:04

takealettermsjones · 21/02/2023 11:47

Does she have enough exercise/a physical outlet?

Do you talk to her (in calm periods) about healthy ways to handle anger in the moment?

Plays one sport competitively so practices 3 times a week.

OP posts:

Original poster

Childbeingreallybold · 21/02/2023 12:04

CharlotteOwlFace · 21/02/2023 11:48

Does she have any potential additional needs? So she masking at school and then it all comes out at home?

I wouldn't cancel a family party for her, no.

I don’t think she has any additional needs. Appears to be quite academic

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CorinationStreeter97 · 21/02/2023 12:05

maybe get her into some sports so she has less energy to be explosive at home, even though teenage girls have hormone surges around this age they still need to be taught consequences, don't go back on what you said. personally wouldn't tolerate the hitting under my roof let alone my children hitting.

Original poster

Childbeingreallybold · 21/02/2023 12:06

bellac11 · 21/02/2023 11:59

I feel differently to others, I think the consequence of not going to the family is no bad thing, unless of course it wont bother her. Although even then at least you'll have the respite from her for a bit

You need to start trying to work out what the sanctions and rewards are that are the most effective. Has she engaged with you on a behaviour plan for example, she clearly knows its wrong to be violent as she is remorseful afterwards and it cant feel that great for her to be out of control when she is. So what would she say needs to happen when she is in the midst of it, what does she want you to do, what strategies does she want to try

Whats her diet like, this can also mix with hormonal changes and lead to poor emotional management. She needs every tool she can get.

She would be really upset about not going. We’re staying in a hotel for the night. It’s a long way away.
I feel like she’d know we were serious

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Nap1983 · 21/02/2023 12:06

If you’re sure that her behaviour is just behaviour and she doesn’t have any additional needs… then I would 100% leave her at home. The behaviour and hitting are completely unacceptable and there needs to be boundaries and consequences!

Original poster

Childbeingreallybold · 21/02/2023 12:06

AffIt · 21/02/2023 12:03

Does she have enough exercise/a physical outlet?

This, as suggested by @takealettermsjones

My cousin's eldest daughter was highly explosive at that age too, then took up karate, which really helped - she was able to learn to control her 'big feelings' through the discipline and respect demanded by martial arts.

She's now in her mid-teens, at a very high level in the sport (she's on the selection pathway for the national squad!) and an absolutely brilliant young woman. We're all very proud of her.

Ok. That could be an idea. Thank you

OP posts:

Guis · 21/02/2023 12:07

When did it start ? Did anything happen at that time ?

Do you treat her sister differently. Do you compare her to her sister at all.

Original poster

Childbeingreallybold · 21/02/2023 12:07

@Nap1983 @CorinationStreeter97
yes. I think I need to follow through

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UniversalTruth · 21/02/2023 12:08

Do you want a book recommendation? The Explosive Child helped me.

QueenCamilla · 21/02/2023 12:08

Unless I'd suspect there's more going on than bad behaviour...
I'd crack down hard on this. NO ONE in my home would disrespect me and others to the point I'm scared.

I have a nine year old (boy) myself . He sometimes says something ill-thought out and unkind. He has slammed a door and has thrown his Lego about. Sometimes cries when he doesn't get his way.
But regular hitting?? Hell no! I'd give a warning that I'll hit back the very next time it happens AND ban from the party.

Or it's time to see the GP but only you know what's right at this moment OP.