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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying off mortgage after cancer treatment

57 replies

Boxhike · 21/02/2023 07:03

I had cervical cancer a few years ago and claimed my critical illness insurance which means we are in the position of paying off our mortgage.
The way our mortgage works is that you can only pay 10% annually for 2 years and then pay the balance so we’ve done that over the past 2 years.
Now that we are in a position to pay the balance my husband has dropped the bombshell that he has £50k in savings! I can’t believe he has not told me this. I told him last night that I would be paying the balance of the mortgage off less £50k which I would be using for my own savings pot.
His response was ‘why would you do that if we’re in a position to pay it all off, my savings are for us both’. But after him not declaring those savings to me I’m not convinced I told him to put himself in my place I needed to look after myself and have my own pot. He’s been quiet all evening. We have 2 kids.
Any perspective appreciated!

OP posts:
DarkedOn2219 · 21/02/2023 07:06

Suggest he puts in 25,000 and leave you both with no mortgage and 25K in savings. If it was for both of you why did you not even know about it let alone have access to it. It's not ok he hid that from you.

Danneigh · 21/02/2023 07:08

£50k is a large secret! I'd be really pissed off if DH had that and had never mentioned it. But we pool everything and share all monies, both with access to all accounts and both earn the same so this wouldn't happen here.

If you keep separate finances, pay it off and both keep £25k each? Or if you wanna go to that level, also get him to put in his share of what you've already paid off.

LucyWhipple · 21/02/2023 07:08

Get him to put the 50k in a joint account / investment?

For me this wouldn’t be an issue as all our finances are completely shared so one person having anything means we both have it.

If you keep separate finances I can understand why you feel you want some savings too. And if that is the case, maybe you need to re look at how you are sharing expenses if he’s managed to build savings and you haven’t eg do you pay for everything for the dc?

Badbudgeter · 21/02/2023 07:08

I think you should both have equal savings at this point. So whatever is left from illness cover plus his savings minus mortgage divided in two. He should of told you before I’m sure there have been money stresses whilst you’ve been I’ll.

MooBaby · 21/02/2023 07:10

DarkedOn2219 · 21/02/2023 07:06

Suggest he puts in 25,000 and leave you both with no mortgage and 25K in savings. If it was for both of you why did you not even know about it let alone have access to it. It's not ok he hid that from you.

Yes this.

He's trying to profit off you being ill. What a sick twisted thing to do.

Nimbostratus100 · 21/02/2023 07:10

whats the balance of the mortgage?

How can his savings be for the benefit of the family if he had the means to pay of the mortgage, but didn't? How does that benefit the family?

MooBaby · 21/02/2023 07:12

Why is his money more important than yours.

Are you in a position to divorce him? If so don't pay off the balance.

whoknows1230 · 21/02/2023 07:13

I agree with the others. What a horrible thing to do. He’s happy to “take” your money that you received when you were so poorly but didn’t think to mention he’s got £50k sat there. I’d be wondering if he has more than £50k but he just doesn’t want to tell you about the rest.

Stick to your guns and keep £50k back for yourself.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 21/02/2023 07:15

Can you take it from the point of view that if anything were to happen to one of you, it makes sense for the other one to have access to their own money until the other person's is released? I find death is harder to argue against than divorce.

RachelSq · 21/02/2023 07:18

Absolutely don’t do it - secret savings are a no-no (he obviously doesn’t see this as joint otherwise you’d have know about it).

Has he offered any explanation as to why he didn’t tell you?

Binfluencer · 21/02/2023 07:23

He's profiting off you having cancer!

Has he always been this selfish?

gogohmm · 21/02/2023 07:34

I'm in two minds, it's the critical illness insurance payment essentially that's paying off the mortgage not savings, but why didn't you know there were savings? That said my exh had no idea how much we had in savings, everything was in my name for tax reasons

SaltnPeppaPig · 21/02/2023 07:38

Why didn't he tell you about the savings before and why has he just told you? Both aspects are bizarre.

SNWannabe · 21/02/2023 07:40

Maybe his “savings” take the form of an investment policy that will
nature etc rather than him siphoning off money into his own account. If he’s said about it now, he’s not hiding it or trying to profit from Critical Illness money.

Sit down and talk about it- why you’re hurt, what you can do next. Like a pp suggested, how about you each have £25k pot if that is reassuring to you. But then why are you automatically wanting to “look after yourself”? What’s going on there?

Summerfun54321 · 21/02/2023 07:51

Is it really a secret or is it just that you never had a sit down chat to talk about your savings? I have no idea how much my DH has in savings, but I wouldn't call that a secret, I just haven't asked in a while.

He's said it's for both of you so why not carve out some time to sit down and discuss investment ideas.

Dyrne · 21/02/2023 07:57

I cannot believe that he kept this a secret from you; no doubt when you were going through treatment you were worrying about family finances; how could he let you take on that burden while was happily sitting on £50K!

If he’s so insistent that it’s family savings then he shouldn’t have a problem paying off the mortgage with it, as that’s for the family.

Agree that you should do it as ([Insurance]+[DH savings]-[Mortgage])/2 and that’s what you each have left as savings in your own names.

I would find it difficult to trust him after this to be honest. It’s true that I don’t know all the ins and outs of DP’s accounts and he doesn’t know mine; but you can bet your arse that if one of us developed an illness we’d be sat down combing through the accounts so we could make financial decisions together as a couple. How dare he let you take on that burden alone when you’ve been through enough - it’s not as though you’ve had a nice little lottery win!!

DrManhattan · 21/02/2023 07:59

What is he saving it for?

Blessedwithsunshine · 21/02/2023 08:11

What other secrets does he have?

I would be blindsided by this in your position and would struggle to trust him again.

It is not £50 - but £50,000!!

WTF. How did he even manage it without you knowing?

Ourlittletalks · 21/02/2023 08:17

YANBU

Your kids are your priority and you should absolutely have savings too but I think it’s unfair of you to expect your DH to put all of his savings in while you’ll have 50k left for yourself. A way to split it fairly would be to pay 25k each from your 50k and each have 25k left in savings.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 21/02/2023 08:19

What would happen if you didn’t pay off the mortgage and left the money in various savings schemes to accrue some interest?

I’d be suggesting that to him and see what he says.

silverclock222 · 21/02/2023 08:21

I'm obviously missing something - you claimed off your insurance which is fine that's what it's there for, you're limited as to the amount you can pay which is what you've done and now you can pay in full there are savings to do so? I don't understand

KentishMama · 21/02/2023 08:21

Slightly off topic, but banks usually waive the early repayment charge if you have a critical illness payout that you're using to pay off the mortgage. Mine did that.

Two options: move savings into a joint account you can both access, or have £25k in savings each.

Danneigh · 21/02/2023 08:25

silverclock222 · 21/02/2023 08:21

I'm obviously missing something - you claimed off your insurance which is fine that's what it's there for, you're limited as to the amount you can pay which is what you've done and now you can pay in full there are savings to do so? I don't understand

Her DH has been sat on £50k that he never mentioned, quite a big piece of information. Why should OP wipe out all of her money while he stays sat on £50k. If money is separate, surely she's entitled to a pot too. So she should just empty her bank while he stays sat on £50k that he never thought to mention before?

SleepingStandingUp · 21/02/2023 08:25

How did it done out and how did he text to your knowing?

I think it's reasonable that you keep 50k, in your name, for you "both" or he chicks in 25k and you keep 25k in savings

Hont1986 · 21/02/2023 08:29

YABU to keep £50k back for yourself and make him use up all his £50k on the mortgage. YWNBU to keep back £25k and have him use his £25k, so you have equal savings afterwards.

You don't mention your ages but assuming he is in his 50s or 60s and working full time, it's not really a 'bombshell' that he might have five figure savings.