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Original poster

Paying off mortgage after cancer treatment

57 replies

Boxhike · 21/02/2023 07:03

I had cervical cancer a few years ago and claimed my critical illness insurance which means we are in the position of paying off our mortgage.
The way our mortgage works is that you can only pay 10% annually for 2 years and then pay the balance so we’ve done that over the past 2 years.
Now that we are in a position to pay the balance my husband has dropped the bombshell that he has £50k in savings! I can’t believe he has not told me this. I told him last night that I would be paying the balance of the mortgage off less £50k which I would be using for my own savings pot.
His response was ‘why would you do that if we’re in a position to pay it all off, my savings are for us both’. But after him not declaring those savings to me I’m not convinced I told him to put himself in my place I needed to look after myself and have my own pot. He’s been quiet all evening. We have 2 kids.
Any perspective appreciated!

OP posts:
Mangledrake · 21/02/2023 08:31

I don't know

Is the critical illness policy not there specifically for the mortgage? I thought they are often linked. So have you and your husband been paying this on top of your mortgage as an insurance on that policy? Or is it "your" lump sum, like an early retirement payment?

Did you have the kind of shared finances where you both had fairly allocated spending money each month, and he's just saved his?

He may be behaving badly, or just fine. If payout isn't explicitly linked to mortgage I don't see why you shouldn't save some, though.

HotDogsJumpingFrogsILoveTurkey · 21/02/2023 08:32

Why did he keep it secret? If it's meant to be for both of you/the family, why didn't you know about it?

I'm not sure about whether you should automatically get the same. If, as in our case, we each get an allowance from the joint finances and he has chosen to save his while you've spent yours then it isn't fair that you suddenly get the same without saving it.

HotDogsJumpingFrogsILoveTurkey · 21/02/2023 08:35

Pressed too soon...

I would be annoyed that he hadn't told me he said such large savings though. Even if they are "his", it's handy to have a rough idea of each other's finances.

AllTheThingsIWantAreHere · 21/02/2023 08:40

It doesn't sound great but I think I'd need more details to Jude. It depends how you do your finances. How wealthy you are etc etc

silverclock222 · 21/02/2023 08:42

Danneigh · 21/02/2023 08:25

Her DH has been sat on £50k that he never mentioned, quite a big piece of information. Why should OP wipe out all of her money while he stays sat on £50k. If money is separate, surely she's entitled to a pot too. So she should just empty her bank while he stays sat on £50k that he never thought to mention before?

Show quote history

Still not getting it - the insurance paid not OP and now the restriction has ended the money is there to pay it. Is it that there were savings OP didn't know about? Anyway don't want to derail so will leave it there.

Littlewhitecat · 21/02/2023 08:43

Summerfun54321 · 21/02/2023 07:51

Is it really a secret or is it just that you never had a sit down chat to talk about your savings? I have no idea how much my DH has in savings, but I wouldn't call that a secret, I just haven't asked in a while.

He's said it's for both of you so why not carve out some time to sit down and discuss investment ideas.

I agree with this. Did you know your husband had savings? If you are a high income family and are not going without on a daily basis then I can see how this has happened. My DH had no idea how much I had in my savings (it's in the same ball park as your DH) until recently when we redid our wills and I had no idea how much he had in various investments, but I did know they existed. It's not a secret it's just not something we discuss on a daily basis as our living costs are more than covered. We are married so all money is family money but we choose to keep it in separate accounts which works for us (despite MNetters opinion that this is a sign of impending doom).

Dyrne · 21/02/2023 08:45

I keep coming back to this as I’m so annoyed.

Everyone just talking about the mortgage is missing the point:

Imagine you have found out you have cancer. You go through the NHS route as you can’t afford to go private. You stress about time of work so you may make the decision to keep working or rush back before you’re ready. You struggle with trying to keep on top of the housework and not let it affect the children so you need to keep a smiley face while feeling Ill from chemo.

Now imagine, 2 years down the line, your DH offhandedly mentions they’ve got £50K. Money that could have been used to ease the burden a little bit during your treatment. Maybe an alternative therapy like acupuncture which has been proven to ease sickness from chemo. Or childcare to help keep a bit of normality for the kids. Or a cleaner so you didn’t feel you had to wipe down the kitchen while feeling Ill. Or a Bupa appointment right at the beginning to stop the 2 weeks of worry around diagnosis and confirmation. It would have meant that you could have taken more of a phased return to work. It could have meant you’d have got a few more taxis rather than struggling on public transport.

Now, I’d imagine all of the above doesn’t apply to OP, but I bet some of it does.

How can he claim it’s “family money” when it didn’t even occur to him to fess up about his savings at a time when the family could have really needed it?

Eastereggsboxedupready · 21/02/2023 08:46

Has he been wistful about a rainy day that just involves himself?

Danneigh · 21/02/2023 08:58

@silverclock222 Yes the insurance paid critical illness cover, which isn't mortgage specific. It's critical illness cover so that you get a large payout to support your family if you get a diagnosis. OP was paying that off her mortgage, sensibly. Her DH then coughs up and let's her know he has been sat on a large amount of money that he wasn't contributing anything of towards the large payoff to the mortgage. Critical illness cover isn't mortgage insurance like you suggest.

NellietheElephantpackedhertrunks · 21/02/2023 09:01

Is anyone else thinking that he probably has a lot more than £50k secretly saved and just told OP about the figure needed to pay off the mortgage?

Zippidydoda · 21/02/2023 09:03

Does he have any explanation as to why he didn’t tell you about the savings? Having your own savings is fine, keeping them secret is not, especially when there are joint assets being paid off by both people.

bit shady.

I agree with your stance. I’d want to keep my own pocket of savings too if I had trust broken.

Teeturtle · 21/02/2023 09:04

Dyrne · 21/02/2023 08:45

I keep coming back to this as I’m so annoyed.

Everyone just talking about the mortgage is missing the point:

Imagine you have found out you have cancer. You go through the NHS route as you can’t afford to go private. You stress about time of work so you may make the decision to keep working or rush back before you’re ready. You struggle with trying to keep on top of the housework and not let it affect the children so you need to keep a smiley face while feeling Ill from chemo.

Now imagine, 2 years down the line, your DH offhandedly mentions they’ve got £50K. Money that could have been used to ease the burden a little bit during your treatment. Maybe an alternative therapy like acupuncture which has been proven to ease sickness from chemo. Or childcare to help keep a bit of normality for the kids. Or a cleaner so you didn’t feel you had to wipe down the kitchen while feeling Ill. Or a Bupa appointment right at the beginning to stop the 2 weeks of worry around diagnosis and confirmation. It would have meant that you could have taken more of a phased return to work. It could have meant you’d have got a few more taxis rather than struggling on public transport.

Now, I’d imagine all of the above doesn’t apply to OP, but I bet some of it does.

How can he claim it’s “family money” when it didn’t even occur to him to fess up about his savings at a time when the family could have really needed it?

I think you are sensationalising. Nobody in the UK other than perhaps the super rich would pay for their own cancer treatment, I dare say most would prefer that kind of treatment under the NHS, even if they pay for some private diagnostics to speed things up at the beginning, but that is not what we are talking about here. There is also no mention of things being a burden, indeed for two years they have known they are going to be mortgage free.

I would find it unusual that my husband would accumulate £50k without telling me, but so long as we were not going without in the meantime, I would consider it a nice surprise. In fact our savings are held in my name and he doesn’t really know how much there is, because we don’t discuss it every day or even regularly.

Whether the £50k mortgage is repaid from my account or his account would be irrelevant, because se share our money. As mentioned our savings are in fact all in my name, but we both know that they are joint, because we are married and therefore they are shared marital assets.

RealBecca · 21/02/2023 09:06

Do you normally talk about finances? Where did the 50k come from? Slow build up or a sale of something or inheritance?

If he just had it stashed away for years and was hoarding it for selfish reasons then I'd find it hard to come back from that.

But if you never talk finances and he started saving when you got poorly or was using the money to try and make sure he could support the family without you feeling pitied then I think I'd understand that.

It's all about how you normally do finances and why.

Nevermind31 · 21/02/2023 09:09

I’d tell him to put the £50k towards the mortgage and you will keep £50k for the both of you, but secretly. How does he feel about that?

Spendonsend · 21/02/2023 09:10

I agree the fair option is you both have 25k savings and pay off 25k of the mortgage.

But to be honest i would be upset that he felt it was ok to have savings whilst you paid off debts and would be very tempted to say that you will have the savings in your name for everyone and he can pay off the debt, and if he doesnt like that, why should you like it?

bikiniisland · 21/02/2023 09:14

I don't know how OP would be paying from her own savings if the money was given to her by the mortgage insurer. That money isn't savings it's just the money they were given to clear the mortgage.

BatsPigeonsRatsSquirrels · 21/02/2023 09:18

bikiniisland · 21/02/2023 09:14

I don't know how OP would be paying from her own savings if the money was given to her by the mortgage insurer. That money isn't savings it's just the money they were given to clear the mortgage.

It's just money - we have critical illness cover to the amount of our mortgage (when we took it out) but we've paid the mortgage off now and still have critical illness cover. You could spend it on a yacht if you so chose.

Danneigh · 21/02/2023 09:20

bikiniisland · 21/02/2023 09:14

I don't know how OP would be paying from her own savings if the money was given to her by the mortgage insurer. That money isn't savings it's just the money they were given to clear the mortgage.

It's nothing to do with the mortgage, it's additional money to support your family during a diagnosis if needed. Read up on it.

Hont1986 · 21/02/2023 09:25

It's nothing to do with the mortgage

Don't be disingenuous. You don't have to use the money for the mortgage, but almost everyone gets it and uses it specifically to pay off the mortgage if they get sick.

Mindymomo · 21/02/2023 09:30

I think you should seriously consider paying anymore of the mortgage off from your insurance money for the time being until he can tell you why he thinks your insurance money is joint, but his 50k is sat happily in his account.

bikiniisland · 21/02/2023 09:36

@Danneigh

It's nothing to do with the mortgage, it's additional money to support your family during a diagnosis if needed. Read up on it.

Ok fine. Doesn't change my question though, the money was not OP saving.

My critical illness cover was absolutely put in place to cover the mortgage, in fact back in those days (I don't know anything about it now) you couldn't get a mortgage without insurance.

bikiniisland · 21/02/2023 09:37

@BatsPigeonsRatsSquirrels

Yes but the point is the same, the money was given from the insurer, not OP savings.

CatJumperTwat · 21/02/2023 09:39

His response was ‘why would you do that if we’re in a position to pay it all off, my savings are for us both’.

Tell him to pay off the mortgage with his £50k and you'll keep your £50k in your own savings account, which will be for you both. He can't argue with that since he obviously thinks it's fine.

rowlandellis · 21/02/2023 09:48

Giving him the benefit of the doubt for a minute, perhaps he really does see all your money as shared, he just held back info on this as a nice surprise and was hoping you’d be happy to have an unexpected extra £50k?

Tessasanderson · 21/02/2023 10:09

Please get some clarity with your DH before paying any of your mortgage off. The money from the critical illness cover you have is supposed to make life easier for YOU. If that means him paying his entire £50k to cover mortgage then so be it, the money he has saved is just as much yours as it is his.

I would want to look at his boundaries for money going forward. This isnt normal behaviour