NC as potentially outing. Sorry, this is long but I could really use some advice.
My husband is not from the UK and was in the army in his country for over 10 years. His contract came to an end last summer and he decided not to renew it but to look for a civilian job instead. This was partly because if he had renewed he would have had to sign up for another 10 years, by which point he would be too old to start a new career, and partly because I moved to his country to be with him because his career wasn't at all flexible, and so him doing something else in the long term was part of the deal in case I ever want to move back to the UK.
Anyway. It's been over 6 months and he has made almost no progress in finding a job. A year ago I wanted him to start taking steps to find something for September, even just update his CV, talk to recruiters etc. But our one year old was going through a big sleep regression, we were both working full time and exhausted, and he said he just didn't have the time or the energy and would look properly after he left the army. He gets severance pay from the army for 8 months so he said there was no rush.
In August he took care of our son full time while I worked. In September he got our son settled into nursery and was still basically looking after him most of the time. In October he had an unexpected job opportunity for something he hadn't really considered, had four interviews but ended up not closing the deal. I think his salary expectations were too high. But he wasted a month and didn't pursue anything else in the mean time.
During this time, I was pregnant, due in January. Once we got close to Christmas, it became obvious that he would just be at home when I had the baby, and would need to look for a job to start a few months after that.
In January I had the baby, and he had another couple of interviews for a job. This was one he would have loved, but it would have had a very long security clearance process, and in the mean time he wouldn't have been able to commit to anything else. I had misgivings about this but gave him my blessing because he clearly wanted to do it, and a job to start in 6 months is better than no job at all. In the end, that job didn't materialise either.
I'm starting to get frustrated. His severance pay runs out next month and he is just getting round to polishing his CV and writing covering letters. Even then, I'm having to kick him up the arse to get him to do it. I feel like he expected a job to fall into his lap and didn't know what was expected of him. At the same time, I also feel like I should have seen this coming and forced him to sort himself out three or four months ago, instead of letting him spend his time on (admittedly useful) distraction activities like food shopping and DIY. But I was pregnant and working full time and I didn't have the energy.
Now I'm on maternity leave and I want to enjoy my baby but I can't because my husband is hanging around all day not making enough progress, I'm worrying about our financial future if he doesn't find a job (we have plenty of savings so are OK in the short term, but it's really not ideal), and I'm starting to get resentful. He doesn't just laze around all day, he does plenty of housework and childcare and always has done. It's the current inability to find a job that is the issue.
He is also very grumpy at the moment and sometimes not very nice to me and our son. It makes me want to yell at him and tell him to get over himself, get a job, accept that toddlers throw food and babies keep you awake at night and we knew this when we decided to have another one, basically grow the fuck up.
But I can't do that because someone has to be the grown up. So here I am, 6 weeks postpartum, pacing around at 5am with the baby in the carrier, asking for advice on Mumsnet because I have to be the loving wife and the gentle parent and the sole breadwinner because no one else is doing those things right now so it has to be me.
Any advice?