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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I make this about me?

38 replies

Sundaybadvibes · 20/02/2023 22:30

Sorry, long one.
Today has been stressful. DS5 likely needs a tooth extracted (before getting hounded for that, it’s a condition I can’t remember the name of - the rest of his teeth are well looked after according to the dentist).
I went to the priority dentist with DS for a consultation about the extraction and haven’t had a chance to speak to DH about what happened (not that he asked / messaged to check in), and then didn’t want to talk about it infront of DS.
DS finally goes to sleep and I go down to the kitchen and bring it up with DH.
I’ve barely been talking 10 seconds when he interrupts me to tell me I didn’t buy enough soup for dinner (I did and same amount I always get but anyways), so I’m a bit taken aback and continue. Then he interrupts again and asks me to get the butter from the fridge. Also makes some comment to disagree with what dentist had told me about children not liking needles, dh says it’s fine if they’re not looking…
Anyway, i haven’t been talking for ages or anything and haven’t even got to the point that I’m worried about. So I get annoyed and make the comment that my parents have been checking in about today and asking how it went as they’ve been worried and DH can’t even listen for a minute.
at which point it gets heated for a minute but we then got to the point that he wants to listen.
im about to get to the bit I’m concerned about (comments dentist made about the tugging / long roots / noises etc) and he interrupts me again. Then when I get frustrated he says - what, can’t I have a conversation about it?? But I hadn’t even told him the horrid bit that I’m concerned about and the whole point of what I was telling him.
he relents, I tell him. Then he says I’m being dramatic and over the top. When I simply relayed the words that the dentist told me. He then said in an aggressive way, so you don’t want him to get it extracted then. Which isn’t what I was saying. It was that I want both of us to be at the extraction as I was trying to highlight that it won’t be easy for DS.
at which point I’ve had enough.
he goes off so I thought I was on my own, and was crying to myself as I’ve been so worried and it’s an example of how I feel there’s no back up, I’ve been made to feel the bad guy.
at which point he comes back in the kitchen as he forgot something and makes comments about me making this all about myself and how I always have to be right.
im tired and upset, so want to check I’m not missing something. How did I make this about myself? I’m genuinely worried about DS5.

OP posts:
Ineedsleepandcoffee · 20/02/2023 22:51

Any medical procedure for a child is hugely stressful for parents. It's not unreasonable to expect him to want to know the details and to show concern and be there for support.

AtrociousCircumstance · 20/02/2023 22:54

He was a dick.

Fuck off and get your own soup mate. Oh and ask after your child. Be a fucking grown up.

⬆️ My message for your H.

SpanishGirly · 20/02/2023 22:57

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Puffinchops · 20/02/2023 22:59

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Has being nasty made you feel better?

OP said she couldn't remember, not that she wasn't listening. People can forget things you know.

Puffinchops · 20/02/2023 23:00

Formatting is awful on my phone, apologies for the huge gap!

Original poster
Sundaybadvibes · 20/02/2023 23:04

i knew there’d be at least one.
its hypoplasia of the tooth - I remembered the plasia at the end but it’s not a word that I’m familiar with and so didn’t remember it without looking it up. Google has reminded me. I was listening.
thanks to the others

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 20/02/2023 23:04

He sounds intensely annoying. Also selfish, uncaring and lazy. You didn’t do or say anything wrong, you’re tired and worried and the fucking least he could have done was listen to you properly. Really sorry.

Justmuddlingalong · 20/02/2023 23:07

I'm sorry you feel stressed and worried, but do you suffer from anxiety about health?

CarpetSlipper · 20/02/2023 23:14

YANBU. He can’t be arsed to listen to you talk about your child's teeth but you have to listen to him moan about soup? You are understandably upset that your small child needs a tooth removed and it’s perfectly reasonable to 1. Expect him to give a shit 2. Listen to your concerns and support you even if he’s not worried.

Hibye23289 · 20/02/2023 23:15

He was rude interrupting etc but don't you think you are making a mountain our of a mole hill, it's a tooth taken out......I banged my teeth as a child and had to have every single one out in 1 go. Do you think you weren't getting the point?

Hibye23289 · 20/02/2023 23:15

*To the point

Original poster
Sundaybadvibes · 20/02/2023 23:20

Justmuddlingalong · 20/02/2023 23:07

I'm sorry you feel stressed and worried, but do you suffer from anxiety about health?

I generally get quite anxious and have been left with this knot in my stomach.
Not usually about health as such, but I do get that way with dentists.
i think that started when my ex asked me to sit in when he was getting an infected tooth sorted. He kept flinching and, I’m not kidding, had blood shooting out of his mouth - it was like a horror show. They said after they thought there was so much blood as he was on blood thinners.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sundaybadvibes · 20/02/2023 23:22

Hibye23289 · 20/02/2023 23:15

He was rude interrupting etc but don't you think you are making a mountain our of a mole hill, it's a tooth taken out......I banged my teeth as a child and had to have every single one out in 1 go. Do you think you weren't getting the point?

If it was me it would be one thing, but knowing my DS5 is going through it I find really hard. Like I know it’s the best thing to do but I just want to make it as bearable as him as poss / don’t want him fearing the dentist (I’m trying to hide my concern obviously). Isn’t that normal though?

OP posts:
Teeturtle · 20/02/2023 23:23

Do you normally communicate the way you did in your post? Because I must admit I got frustrated waiting for you to get to the point and you could have done so in about a quarter of the words. I am just throwing an idea out there that he is tired of your unnecessarily lengthy conversations and failure to get to the point. And to be honest you do seem to be making quite a big fuss over a tooth extraction.

Justmuddlingalong · 20/02/2023 23:23

That might explain your reaction to DS's dental treatment.
Would it be possible for your DH to attend the extraction, because I'd worry your phobia of dentists might rub off on DS?

Testina · 20/02/2023 23:23

“But I hadn’t even told him the horrid bit that I’m concerned about and the whole point of what I was telling him.”

That was the second time in your post you said you hadn’t got to the point. And then once I thought the point was the mouses thing, you said you wanted him there - so that was the actual point!

I can definitely imagine a conversation with both of you getting frustrated.

I’m surprised you want 2 parents present though. Seems totally unnecessary. And I definitely would have been frustrated at you crying over it.

I think you really need to be there to judge… on the one hand, I can see that you felt he wasn’t listening. But my husband and I frequently have that sort of conversation where you say, “have we got any bread rolls?” as you prep dinner at the same time as the “main” conversation. We are listening.

Bbqchicken · 20/02/2023 23:23

Your DH sounds irritating and rude. I hate it when my older male siblings dismiss me in conversation. Now I just dont engage with them in any depth tricky to do with DH though.

Getolderbutneverwiser · 20/02/2023 23:24

YANBU as others have said dealing with these things is incredibly stressful. You are not making it about yourself, you are worried about how your child will cope with the procedure and he wouldn’t even allow you to explain the full circumstance without constantly interrupting about irrelevant things.

I find this kind of interruption very difficult when I am trying to get across information that needs relayed. It’s like can you just STFU for 5 minutes, let me get this out and then ask questions. And get the fucking butter yourself!

He came across very disinterested about something which could be quite a major experience for your child in which you are trying to manage and discuss support for.

OnlyFannys · 20/02/2023 23:26

Is it possible you just picked a bad time (e.g. he was hungry and distracted) so you were getting annoyed with him not listening and he was getting annoyed with you going into loads of.detail while he was hangry and trying to get some food.sorted. I can see that ending up with a bit of a snappy conversation. Or is he often like this?

GodSaveTheClean · 20/02/2023 23:27

It sounds like you were both tired and frustrated. The conversation could have been about any topic and you both would have annoyed one another.
A tooth extraction at 5 is not the end of the world. My DS had 3 fused teeth out in one go at age 6. It does sound like you’re projecting.
Try and smile through it for you child’s sake - they will pick up on your vibe. Don’t rely on your DH to make everyone feel good about a situation; it’s part of your job as a parent too.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/02/2023 23:29

Your DH was a dick. A really patronising one at that.

but op, and I mean this kindly as I know these things can be anxiety inducing, but you are going over the top about this. It’s s tooth out, not open heart surgery. It doesn’t need both of you there, and you need to be super careful you’re not passing on this anxiety to your DS.

I hope it all goes well.

I stand by your dh being a dick though.

Original poster
Sundaybadvibes · 20/02/2023 23:31

Thank you. I take on board the projecting comments, which id been conscious of but hadn’t seen how much it was affecting me. I do think it would be better for dh to be at the extraction but then I’m the hugger and the soft one, so feel like I should be there if that makes sense. But maybe he doesn’t need me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sundaybadvibes · 20/02/2023 23:33

Testina · 20/02/2023 23:23

“But I hadn’t even told him the horrid bit that I’m concerned about and the whole point of what I was telling him.”

That was the second time in your post you said you hadn’t got to the point. And then once I thought the point was the mouses thing, you said you wanted him there - so that was the actual point!

I can definitely imagine a conversation with both of you getting frustrated.

I’m surprised you want 2 parents present though. Seems totally unnecessary. And I definitely would have been frustrated at you crying over it.

I think you really need to be there to judge… on the one hand, I can see that you felt he wasn’t listening. But my husband and I frequently have that sort of conversation where you say, “have we got any bread rolls?” as you prep dinner at the same time as the “main” conversation. We are listening.

Ha, yes. I hope I’m usually more concise than the first post. It was a bit of a messy brain dump.
I was trying to go through the steps with him about there’s this appointment first for this and then we do that. I swear I wasn’t speaking for long, which is why I was SO frustrated

OP posts:
Original poster
Sundaybadvibes · 20/02/2023 23:35

Also good to hear others say it’s not such a big deal. I swear the dentist was ramping it up. Talking about the noises and children mistaking pressure for pain, bringing in a teddy etc. but might have been my own worried about it making it worse…

OP posts:
Cantstandbullshitanymore · 20/02/2023 23:38

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Award for idiot of the day goes to @SpanishGirly