Did I make this about me?

[Sundaybadvibes]

Sorry, long one.
Today has been stressful. DS5 likely needs a tooth extracted (before getting hounded for that, it’s a condition I can’t remember the name of - the rest of his teeth are well looked after according to the dentist).
I went to the priority dentist with DS for a consultation about the extraction and haven’t had a chance to speak to DH about what happened (not that he asked / messaged to check in), and then didn’t want to talk about it infront of DS.
DS finally goes to sleep and I go down to the kitchen and bring it up with DH.
I’ve barely been talking 10 seconds when he interrupts me to tell me I didn’t buy enough soup for dinner (I did and same amount I always get but anyways), so I’m a bit taken aback and continue. Then he interrupts again and asks me to get the butter from the fridge. Also makes some comment to disagree with what dentist had told me about children not liking needles, dh says it’s fine if they’re not looking…
Anyway, i haven’t been talking for ages or anything and haven’t even got to the point that I’m worried about. So I get annoyed and make the comment that my parents have been checking in about today and asking how it went as they’ve been worried and DH can’t even listen for a minute.
at which point it gets heated for a minute but we then got to the point that he wants to listen.
im about to get to the bit I’m concerned about (comments dentist made about the tugging / long roots / noises etc) and he interrupts me again. Then when I get frustrated he says - what, can’t I have a conversation about it?? But I hadn’t even told him the horrid bit that I’m concerned about and the whole point of what I was telling him.
he relents, I tell him. Then he says I’m being dramatic and over the top. When I simply relayed the words that the dentist told me. He then said in an aggressive way, so you don’t want him to get it extracted then. Which isn’t what I was saying. It was that I want both of us to be at the extraction as I was trying to highlight that it won’t be easy for DS.
at which point I’ve had enough.
he goes off so I thought I was on my own, and was crying to myself as I’ve been so worried and it’s an example of how I feel there’s no back up, I’ve been made to feel the bad guy.
at which point he comes back in the kitchen as he forgot something and makes comments about me making this all about myself and how I always have to be right.
im tired and upset, so want to check I’m not missing something. How did I make this about myself? I’m genuinely worried about DS5.

Without knowing what your dh is normally like it's hard to tell how unreasonable he is being. For example if he hadn't checked in etc all day and seemed distracted when you were trying to bring something up it sounds like he wasn't in the headspace himself to listen to you the way you needed him to. I think maybe you could have started out asking how he was or just asking him if you could have a chat for a few minutes because you're really worried about how ds's appointment is going to go and you want to talk it through. I'm saying that because if I come home and I'm stressed and thinking about what needs done next etc and my dh starts talking to me I can get overwhelmed quickly and I don't listen to him properly so now we make a point of asking to stop and talk if something is important and either of us want the others full attention and equally we'll each say can we talk about it later at x time because I need to focus on such and such or I'm not in the headspace and need to decompress a bit.

It does indeed sound like you're projecting your fears onto ds. I had 4 teeth extracted as a kid and it was totally fine I barely even remember it now. Do you think your dh would be better bringing your ds to the appointment without you so you're not tempted to react/ get anxious and have your ds pick up on that? Then you can spoil him rotten for being brave when he gets home?

All that being said, if your dh is always dismissive and talks over you all the time then that's very disrespectful and you maybe need to have a very straight conversation about how that makes you feel and try to agree a better way of doing things going forward and see if he steps up.

That’s a low blow!
you can tell the op is distressed.
where’s the support for her here?
not necessary.

Oh please don’t bother responding to people like @SpanishGirly , they take out the frustrations of their daily lives on anonymous forums.

Next time Mr Bossy can buy the soup ffs. And why can't he get the butter himself?

thank you - posts have made me smile.
to be fair, I think I do have a tendency to jump in and dump on dh.
hes not good at opening up. He says he’s an emotional person but he keeps it hidden and carries on.
i think I have so much going on in my head at any one time that I just need to offload a bit and hed probably be quite happy if I just sucked it all up and didn’t bother him with it. I think i also want him to know I’m not coping sometimes as I don’t feel he gets it.
But that’s another thread, ha.
so much for my intentions re rest and an early night.
thanks all. Needed some perspective :)

It will be unpleasant for him but hopefully not sore. I agree it would be best if hubby took him this time I think he will pick up on your stress

Kindly, OP, I can see your DH’s point; you’ve made your son’s tooth extraction about you and your anxiety a little bit, I don’t think you actually mentioned in your post how your DS felt?

I think wanting both you and DH to be there at the extraction is a bit OTT as all you’d be doing is showing your DS that going to the dentist must be such a scary thing that both mummy and daddy need to be there with him, and I say that as someone who sobs their way through even a routine checkup because I’m so terrified of the dentist.

Your DS will be fine, I think you might be better off letting him go to the appointment with his dad though, as your anxiety is likely to rub off on him.

I don’t think you’ve made it about you, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to expect DS5’s dad to be caring and empathetic to both you and DS about the extraction (or about anything else). Is he always so unfeeling? I wonder how much of your stress is being caused by your understandable worry about your DS (obviously not helped by your own aversion to dental procedures), and how much is connected to a fear that this is (yet another?) thing you’ll have to tackle alone….

I don’t have a good sense of whether your DH is usually kinder to DS than would be indicated by your post, or whether he is very much “put up and shut up” and likely to get cross with DS if he gets upset at the dentist…? It does sound as though the stress of managing your husband’s behaviour/attitude and a sense of being unsupported in general is a part of your fear and worry here though - if that’s the case I’m really sorry.

I had several extractions as a child (but I was not that little when I had them) and it was seriously unpleasant but I was ok. When my DD needed teeth out age 10 she totally freaked in the chair, dentist couldn’t get beyond anesthetic and she wouldn’t go back. I ended up taking her to a “gentle” kids dentist. Cost an arm and a leg but it was essential and she got through it. I know that’s not reassuring and I’m really not saying wanting to freak you out - your son may well be fine. But I did want to reassure you that your concern is valid (and if you have the resource it’s worth looking at private options, even if only as a back up, as that made a big difference for us).

Maybe extractions are easier with milk teeth though? Plus also they will come out by themselves eventually anyway, so unless he’s in a lot of pain perhaps it’s not a vital procedure right now?

Are you ok?

Does he often change the subject, ignore you or minimise your feelings in conversation?

It sounds like you cried because of his behaviour… not because of what’s going on with your son.

My ex husband has a habit of doing all of the above. It’s why I’m leaving him. Only you know if this was a one off or if it’s a regular occurrence OP. It’s not okay in my book. I found that it chipped away massively at my self esteem and I didn’t even notice it happening. He was different at the beginning. 💐 for you.

Extraction on a child is not the same as for an adult tooth. Milk teeth come out much easier because they are meant to drop out.
I've watched 2 being taken out of my DD and it was nothing.
You need to relax so you don't worry your DS.

Tbh my ex demanded to come to ds tooth extraction it wasn't unpleasant but it was drawn out as they couldn't get a grip on the ruddy tooth he was useless pointless and never demands to come to medical appointments again

One parent should be enough send him

It sounds like DH could have been more supportive.

However ( I find this with speaking to doctors etc as well) unless there's a good reason not to, it's better to begin with the point and fill in the back story later as needed.

Otherwise the other person may not realize there is a point to be got to!

So something like 'DH, today was really stressful at the dentist. DS has to have an extraction on x date and I'm hoping you can be there.'

Then discuss.