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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dss 14 - what is normal and whats not?

31 replies

loopylou855 · 20/02/2023 13:38

DSS is 14, he comes over, stays in his room the whole weekend other than for food or loo.

DH lets him stay home when we go out, which i hate!

He lets him stay up all night gaming.

DH has dad guilt as we have had a baby so he doesn't want him to feel pushed out.

I get that but imo having boundaries and rules etc in place is in dss's best interests other than letting him rule the roost.

AIBU? I dont have a teen boy so I dont know.

OP posts:
Authorisatingarchibald · 20/02/2023 13:38

Apart from the all night gaming, it's completely normal.

underneaththeash · 20/02/2023 13:41

I wouldn't let my teens stay in their room all weekend, it's not healthy. Teenagers still need to be parented by their parents.

Lilliflip · 20/02/2023 13:42

How exactly is he ruling the roost? Sounds like a typical teenage lad to me. I wouldn’t let him stay up all night though.

Wheredothesocksgo · 20/02/2023 13:43

In what ways does he rule the roost?

aSofaNearYou · 20/02/2023 13:43

If he's in his room all the time, in what way is he ruling the roost? Is he rude or demanding when he comes out?

I'm not sure I'd like it for my own kids, but I wouldn't worry about it with DSS unless it was having a wider impact.

Outnumbered99 · 20/02/2023 13:44

Not normal for my 14YO other than he sometimes stays home alone. Does your SS have local friends though or do you live away from his mum

Scarlettpixie · 20/02/2023 13:45

Well he shouldn’t be staying up all night but otherwise sounds fine. You eat together which is good. Why do you hate it when he stays at home? It is his home too. Does he get any 1:1 time with his Dad?

Allthegoodusernamesareused · 20/02/2023 13:48

Well, it does sound like pretty normal teenage behaviour.
We have boundaries around how late devices can be used (at 14, they stop having WiFi access at midnight at the weekends) and a strict no hot food upstairs rule, so everyone eats at the dinner table. This means I actually SEE my teen at least a couple of times a day 🙃
At this age, teens just don't generally want to spend much time with their parents 🙄

Original poster
loopylou855 · 20/02/2023 13:57

Im not entirely sure why i hate him being home alone when we go out but it has something to do with worrying he might do something silly. Not only that, I know his dad is in charge but i feel responsible when he is with us for the weekend and i wouldn't want my son left at home.

OP posts:
AngelsWithSilverWings · 20/02/2023 14:01

Very normal other than the all night gaming which we would not allow.

We have to try to find activities to take DD to otherwise she would just stay in bed all day. We do leave her home alone for a few hours so we can go out otherwise we'd be trapped in the house all weekend.

Beamur · 20/02/2023 14:01

Leaving a 14 year old home alone while you go out is entirely normal. Supervising them all the time would be weird and controlling.
Why doesn't he actually do anything with his Dad when he visits? That's kind of the point of contact.

IneedanewTV · 20/02/2023 14:05

Can the dad take him out for lunch. Perfectly normal for 14 year old not to want to go out with baby. Also teens do stay in their rooms 99% of the time. I never believed it until I had two! I think I had more outside hobbies when I was their age and we would hang around shopping centres or visit friends. Now they just text and game.

ijustneedanamefgs · 20/02/2023 14:05

A 14yr old should be perfectly fine at home for a while. I hated leaving my dss at home at this age though because I knew he was poking around the house and stealing things. Do you have any such concerns? What does being silly mean?
Never had an issues leaving our other sons at home.
Spending lots of time in their room is perfectly normal, and my boys would spend all night gaming if they were allowed-difference is they have never been allowed though. Same with leaving the house. I have no concerns with them staying alone, but if they haven’t been out in a while, or I feel I haven’t had time with them I will give them a gentle shove if needed.
Teenagers like to think they are grown up, but they still want to be parented imo

PeekAtYou · 20/02/2023 14:07

14 year olds being home alone is very normal. Most secondary school aged kids (age 11+) come home from school before their parents get home from work and are home alone during the school holidays as there's 13 weeks of school holidays a year. I have a 16 year old son and I've not taken him on errands like the food shop since he was about 10.

The all night gaming is a dad guilt issue. It's important to go to bed at a reasonable time so they can get up for school in the morning

Hartlebury · 20/02/2023 14:07

I will generally give my daughter the choice to come out with us or not. Mostly she will choose to come (probably because she knows there will be some kind of good snack or coffee involved), but if she does stay at home I don't have any worry about it.

I don't see where the concern about 'doing something silly', unless he has form for it? His Dad is probably slacking off a bit though, he needs coaxing out occasionally, he'll get rickets otherwise 😂

NumberTheory · 20/02/2023 14:08

My 14 year olds stay home if our trips out don’t pique their interest. And I could see lots of 14 year olds not really being interested in trips out with a baby.

Is it the same every weekend? Does DH not spend any 1:! Time with DSS?

All night gaming would bother me, but my kids would be thrown out of kilter for most of the week if they stayed up all night. If they can cope with is and catch up easily, I don’t necessarily see the harm.

LucyLeave · 20/02/2023 14:09

He's 14. Perfectly old enough to be left home alone. Why do you think he would want to go out with you and a baby? Also if he's staying at your house maybe it's difficult for him to see his mates.

If you want him to go out perhaps his dad could take him to places a 14 year old might want to go.

FawnFrenchieMum · 20/02/2023 14:09

Very normal IMO, DS is now 16 but has been like that a few years.
We don’t really police bedtimes on Fri / Sat night anymore.
School nights, we like quiet and games off by 10pm.
Neither of our teen or preteen come out on generic weekend outings to the shops etc. They are asked if they want to visit grandparents with us, some times they do, others they don’t.
Does you DH not ever organise anything for the two of them to do together alone or do you go out to dinner as a family etc?
Leaving a 14 year old at home is very very normal.

PreparationPreparationPrep · 20/02/2023 14:11

loopylou855 · 20/02/2023 13:57

Im not entirely sure why i hate him being home alone when we go out but it has something to do with worrying he might do something silly. Not only that, I know his dad is in charge but i feel responsible when he is with us for the weekend and i wouldn't want my son left at home.

What do you mean something silly - like what? Do you think he is depressed?

radiatorflush · 20/02/2023 14:15

I don't see anything wrong with leaving him at home alone at 14?

Soakitup37 · 20/02/2023 14:16

All sounds normal to me.

Whatsshecalled · 20/02/2023 14:16

Being alone in room all weekend is not great for mental health. I make mine come out for dog walks at least if we're not doing anything else as a family so that they get out, get moving, fresh air etc, they complain (obviously) but its so ingrained that this is what we do that they dont try to resist and always enjoy it once we're out. I think would be quite hard to force a teenager out if they were already accustomed to staying in, so not easy to change but I dont think staying in all weekend is beauty (although maybe normal for some).

Seaweed42 · 20/02/2023 14:16

He might really enjoy the freedom he has over at your house.
Freedom from a nagging mother telling him to go to bed all the time.
Maybe you are focusing on how a kid 'should be' rather than how it is for the kid?

The important thing is the relationship with his Dad though...
Do you think his Dad gives him enough time?
I would suggest to your DH that he takes his son out for a pizza just the two of them. That'd be really really important.

Have you thought about how his son feels about everything, including the new baby?
Could it be 'oh Dad has a new family now he doesn't really give a shit about me. Just because I don't want to go on their stupid walks in the park doesn't mean I don't love my Dad and would like if he could make time for me, just the two of us'.

NumberTheory · 20/02/2023 14:17

His Dad is probably slacking off a bit though

^^
Also this.

Sounds significantly more like dad not wanting to put in the effort of maintaining a healthy relationship with his DS than dad guilt.

Authorisatingarchibald · 20/02/2023 14:18

loopylou855 · 20/02/2023 13:57

Im not entirely sure why i hate him being home alone when we go out but it has something to do with worrying he might do something silly. Not only that, I know his dad is in charge but i feel responsible when he is with us for the weekend and i wouldn't want my son left at home.

trust me you won't be making your 14 year old come out with you every time you go out when your kids get to 14, won't happen

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