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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Splitting household jobs

44 replies

Mumof3premies · 20/02/2023 08:24

So bit of a long winded one sorry about this!

i live at home with my partner and 3 children
he goes to work and I look after the children, before our 1 year old son was born we both worked full time. Albeit mine was less physical as I have brittle asthma and struggle to physically do much due to pain and shortness of breath
However our son was born and he has been really poorly, constantly in and out of hospital so it was automatically deemed I would give up my job and look after him full time along with our other 2 children and his daughter from a previous relationship.
along with all of this I’m now expected to cook, clean do all the washing make lunches, keep on top of everything in the house, make sure the kids have everything, pick up SD (who treats me like absolute dirt, breaks everything in the house but that’s another post) do all the shopping but then have to ask him for money for this because I have zero income. He had never got up in the night, he’s changed four nappys in 19 months he can’t get him to sleep because he will only settle with me now and he wont watch the kids so I can do anything unless it’s a hospital visit for our son!
im honestly drained. up Until a week ago I’ve been getting up every morning to make his lunch and take him to work, drive him to different jobs etc until he got his licence back

on top of all of this due to my breathing I can snore quite badly, he’s known this for 10 years, he just has to nudge me onto my side but recently he has been waking me up giving me all sorts of abuse, shouting at me slamming around then he’s vile in the morning and says I shouldn’t be sleeping when he has to work, if he can’t sleep o should go down stairs with our little boy because out of the two of us he deserves sleep more than me.
this morning he’s called me a lazy bitch because after 25 minutes of shit I refused to get up and do his lunch because I had been up 3 times in the night with our son, he had woke me up twice then he’s woke me up shouting at me I’m exhausted and the last day of the holidays so I’ll have to be up as usual tomorrow!!!

sorry for the rant I didn’t know where else to post it!

OP posts:

MrsBunnyEars · 20/02/2023 08:35

You have agency in this.

He doesn’t get to ‘automatically deem that you give up work’. He can ‘expect’ you to cook and clean as much as he likes, but what can he do if you don’t?

You can’t live like this. First because it sounds shit, second because as an unpaid an u married skivvy, you’re very vulnerable.

You can decide - do you want to stay like this, so you want to stand up to him (which I know won’t be easy and might not work), or do you want to separate?

PuttingDownRoots · 20/02/2023 08:39

Suggest he (and step daughter) stay somewhere for a few days so he can catch up on sleep

(I.e. you get a break from his nonsense)
Then talk rationally.

Original poster

Mumof3premies · 20/02/2023 08:57

There is no talking to him at all, it’s his way or no way and we either have a screaming match or I shut up and do what he wants and he’s still not happy 😂

OP posts:

Blanca87 · 20/02/2023 08:59

that Is abusive and no laughing matter . Give your head a wobble , love.

Original poster

Mumof3premies · 20/02/2023 09:00

Who’s laughing? I put a crying face 🙄
give my head a wobble? Oh right came on her to get grief to then. Brilliant

OP posts:

TheJugs · 20/02/2023 09:03

It's a laughing face, crying laughing. But besides the post, can you leave him? He's is a cunt.

TheJugs · 20/02/2023 09:03

*besides the point

Original poster

Mumof3premies · 20/02/2023 09:05

I’ve just realised I’ve put the wrong emoji,

I don’t want to leave him as he isn’t bad just extremely set in his ways and thinks he goes to work so I should do everything else, this post does make him sound bad and he is very set in his ways but we’ve been together a long time and tbh I’ve just done it all to have an easier life.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 20/02/2023 09:07

He IS bad. He is an abusive vile horror of a man. That's the bare bones of it. If you don't want to believe that, there's really nothing any of us can help you with.

Original poster

Mumof3premies · 20/02/2023 09:07

Trying to find ways where I can talk to him and get him to understand that I’m not a live in nanny and cleaner and I have feelings to!

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 20/02/2023 09:09

He isn’t good is he? If this is your standard of how you want to be treated then you need to raise it. Why do you want to stay with someone who treats you like an unpaid housekeeper? He should be looking after you with your health condition, not the other way round. Take some steps to think about leaving

Blanca87 · 20/02/2023 09:09

He doesn’t want to understand because it’s within his interests for you to have no access to money and do everything for him.

arethereanyleftatall · 20/02/2023 09:10

You can't, sorry. He's grown up believing he's entitled to a slave, that women are inferior, and you can't change this. You have two choices - leave or stay. One definite thing though - double up your contraception

Original poster

Mumof3premies · 20/02/2023 09:11

What do you mean by double up on contraception? Our 3 children were planned?

OP posts:

UdoU · 20/02/2023 09:11

He won't understand because he will lose out if he changes.

He is an abusive cunt and you need to tell him to take care of his own daughter and then look for a plan to get out.

arethereanyleftatall · 20/02/2023 09:12

Don't plan any more. Your life will just get even harder.

Whattheladybird · 20/02/2023 09:12

if you’re unmarried you’re particularly vulnerable. You do not need to put up with this behaviour and, if you can’t do this for you, then you should not be modelling this type of behaviour to your children.

Runnerduck34 · 20/02/2023 09:13

He sounds vile, you are are in an abusive relationship.
No wonder you are exhausted and upset.
You need to take steps to leave him,I hope someone will come along soon with some really good advice.
Look at the freedom programme and phone women's aid for advice.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 20/02/2023 09:16

If he was a good man he’d know you are his wife, partner and co parent, not his slave to be abused.

Good men do not call their wives a lazy bitch, ignore their children, or slam around the house.

The only way he’ll realise how bad things have got for you is if you tell him you’re planning on leaving. In which case he might decide he’d rather pull his finger out than lose you and the small kids (or lose the free care he gets for his older daughter). But then again he might leave.

Original poster

Mumof3premies · 20/02/2023 09:17

I did the freedom programme last year but they did it while he was there so I didn’t really get much out of it, things changed for a long time until I’d say the last 6 months and he is just miserable 24/7 and it’s all my fault. When I say I’m not doing anything wrong he gets more annoyed at me because I’m acting like a victim.
he is amazing with the children, they absolutely adore him and he’s the fun one who takes us nice places and pays for everything but I’m the miserable one to them who’s snappy and tired

OP posts:

MrsRR1 · 20/02/2023 09:17

You have said there is no talking to him; it's his way or no way. Not sure what anyone here can suggest for you? If he won't change, your choices are to stay and put up with it or leave him.
Are you scared of him? Just trying to understand how it got like this without you setting boundaries

Lockedinforwinter · 20/02/2023 09:17

He has you right where he wants you. Financially dependent, and doing as you are told, to keep him happy so he doesn't shout at you. This is not going to get better and will almost certainly get worse if you stay. He does not care about your feelings. Can you imagine treating him like that, and not noticing it was unfair? Of course you wouldn't, so why put up with it from him?

Original poster

Mumof3premies · 20/02/2023 09:18

He says that he’s not bothered if I left I’d have nowhere to go and nothing to take with me which is true nothing is mine it’s all his, the house, the car, all the things in the house

OP posts:

Original poster

Mumof3premies · 20/02/2023 09:19

I have been scared of him in the past, he broke my rib a long time ago and he’s kicked me but nothing recently he just looks at me and I drop the argument

OP posts:

BreviloquentBastard · 20/02/2023 09:20

My god why is the bar so fucking low for men?

Sorry to break it to you but he IS bad, he's an abusive twat.

My husband and I have been together since we were 17 and in all that time and many disagreements we've had, he's never once screamed at me or called me a bitch. You have normalised abusive behaviour but good men don't treat their partner's like this.

My husband treats our dog better than your husband treats you.

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